Preserving the Marriage - Shaykh Hafeezullah Khan

Opening — Khutbah al-Hajah

We praise Him, we ask His help, we ask His forgiveness, and we believe in Him and put our trust in Him. And we seek refuge in Allah from the evil of our souls and from the evil of our deeds. Whom Allah guides, there is no misguider for him, and whom He misguides, there is no guide for him.

I bear witness that there is no god but Allah, alone, no partner for Him. And I bear witness that our Master and Protector is Muhammad, His servant and Messenger.

As for what follows: the best hadith is the Book of Allah. And the best guidance is the guidance of Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. And the worst of things are its innovations. And every innovation is a newly invented matter. And every newly invented matter is a misguidance. And every misguidance is in the Fire.

The Covenant of Nikah

There are relations which are unbreakable — some blood relations, and some non-blood relations which we hold dear to us. Among these is a relation that forms between a man and a woman through a nikah — Islamic marriage. And no doubt, nikah is a great gift from Allah. And undoubtedly, there are many benefits in it for those who engage in nikah with the purpose of having chastity. Such people have saved themselves from evil and from sins. They remove evil thoughts from their minds. And by this, we see a pious society evolving.

And this is why the one who gets irritated most by this strong covenant of nikah is the Shaitan. Hence, the married couple is the Shaitan's main target to cause problems among. And what pleases him most is the separation of husband and wife.

As Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, says in a hadith from Sahih Muslim:

(Sahih Muslim, Book 39, Hadith 6755)

Indeed, Iblis places his throne over the water, then he sends out his troops. The closest to him in rank are the greatest at causing tribulations. One of them comes and says, "I have done this and this." Shaitan says, "You have done nothing." Another comes and says, "I did not leave this man until I separated him from his wife." Shaitan embraces him and says, "You have done well."

So dear brothers and sisters, doing nikah is not as difficult a task as it is to maintain the nikah — to maintain the marriage. And that is why we can see an increase in divorce cases in our society, which is not a good sign.

Therefore, whoever is preparing for nikah, or the parents that are getting their child married, should make sure that they make the covenant of nikah as strong as possible. And save themselves from things that might weaken this covenant, and as a result, the marriage ends in separation and in divorce.

Whereas it is a requirement of the holiness of the nikah — the nikah agreement — that it should be safeguarded and not be broken. Because by breaking this agreement, the nikah, we don't only break two hearts or separate two families. But rather, it breaks and tears apart many families with it. Many children end up without support and tarbiyah. And as a result, they are led astray from deen and from duniya as well. The love that once was, turns into enmity. Mental pressures and physical illnesses take the place of peace and harmony.

But it is a sad reality that the ratio of divorce among our society is increasing day by day, which is very alarming. So we should take this issue very seriously, and adopt the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah which we can follow to save the breakdown of our families and our homes.

Criteria for Choosing a Spouse

The first thing is that we need to follow the criteria given by Islam when selecting a partner for ourselves or for our children. As the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says in a hadith from Sunan al-Tirmidhi about choosing a husband:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Book 9, Hadith 1084)

"When someone comes to propose to your daughter, to your sister, and you are satisfied with his deen and with his character, then do not reject him. Otherwise there will be commotion in this world."

In this hadith the Prophet mentioned character separately to the deen, because having good manners and character between husband and wife is the most important thing of all — that which makes the covenant of nikah so strong. Otherwise we can easily see many people who pray regularly, who fast in the month of Ramadan, who do Hajj, but still they are not good with their wives. They don't fulfill their rights. They even mistreat them with violence. This is because they have limited the deen to only salah, sawm, and Hajj, and they do not see good character as a part of the deen.

And with regards to selecting a wife, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says in a famous hadith from Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5090; Sahih Muslim, Book 17, Hadith 1466)

"People choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank and status in society, for their beauty, or for their deen — their religion. Marry one who is pious, who is religious, and you will succeed."

In this hadith, Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, did not forbid marrying a rich woman or a beautiful woman. But he ordered us that we have to give priority to the pious woman who is religious. And especially if she is knowledgeable, then she will help you in obeying Allah and fulfilling your rights upon her, and she will help you to increase your iman in Allah.

So if you follow this advice from Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, then maybe your wife is not as beautiful as you expect. But a day will come when, because of her character, her dealings with you, and her manners, she will become the most beautiful woman in the sight of her husband.

The Pious Wife — A True Treasure

In another hadith, Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, says:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Book 10, Hadith 3094; also referenced in Musnad Ahmad)

"The most virtuous is a remembering tongue, a grateful heart, and a pious wife that helps you in the matter of the akhira."

The background to this hadith is that when Allah revealed this verse from Surah At-Tawbah, verse 34, in which Allah said:

"And those who hoard gold and silver and do not spend it in the way of Allah — announce to them a painful torment."

The companions got worried and thought they could not gather any wealth. They quickly approached Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, and expressed their worry, asking that if not gold and silver, then what sort of treasure can we have? Then the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, replied to them: "The best treasure for you is a tongue which always remembers Allah, a heart which is full of gratefulness to Allah, and a pious, religious wife. These are the best treasures for you."

So just as you protect your treasure of gold and silver, you should protect the treasure of a pious wife — more than that. No doubt such a wife will be the coolness of the eyes for a husband, and she will be the best companion for him in practicing the deen.

And if the husband and wife are both pious and fear Allah, then in such a household there are very little issues, and very little chances of leading to divorce. Such couples become garments for each other, as Allah says:

"They are garments for you, and you are garments for them."

And maybe you are aware of how important garments are for us. Number one, they cover us and our physical weaknesses. Number two, they make us look beautiful. And number three, they save us from the bad effects of heat and cold. In the same way, those couples who become the means to increase good image and piety for each other, who hide each other's weaknesses from others, and who save each other from forthcoming harms — such couples will live a successful married life. And if a couple is totally against these qualities, then this easily leads to divorce.

Knowing Your Responsibilities

The other thing is that it is not enough for someone to just be pious in the sense that he prays regularly and does Hajj and so forth. But it is also important for the couple to be aware of their responsibilities — especially before the nikah — so that they can easily follow the requirements and rules related to the husband and wife.

For example, Allah says about the husband:

"You should treat your wives well."

And the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Book 46, Hadith 3895; Ibn Majah, Book 9, Hadith 1977)

"The best among you is he who is best towards his wife."

Yes, it is possible that your dealings with your friends, your colleagues, your guests and customers are very pleasant and you express good manners with them for the benefit of your business and so forth. But this is not the real achievement. These are not the people whom you spend most of your time with. So no matter how ill-mannered you might be, you still present yourself nicely in front of people you meet less often.

The real achievement is that you be nice and pleasant with those who you spend the most time with — and that is your wife. With whom you spend time on every occasion, whether alone or among others, whether in happiness or in sorrow, in good times and bad, you are together at all times. So this is where you need to express your good side.

But we have the opposite. We give importance to the Sunnah of the Prophet only in our ibadah — and so we should. But we forget those aspects of his Sunnah which are related to the character of the husband and wife towards each other.

You should not be such a husband who rules over his wife, misusing quotations about the wife's responsibilities, giving her orders and expecting them to be fulfilled straight away, not allowing her to have any say, and expecting that whenever you look at her she should please you with her looks and manners — but in return, you never please her with your looks and with your manners.

The Prophet's Example at Home

Why don't we follow the Sunnah of the Prophet in these matters? Why don't we learn how the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, used to behave with his wives, while we expect from our wives that they should follow the Sunnah of the Prophet?

Once Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, entered his house and he saw the Mother of the Believers, Safiyyah bint Huyay, crying. What did the Prophet do? He sat next to her and started to wipe her tears with his own hands, asking her why she was crying.

And Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, was asked about the behavior of the Prophet with his wives in his house. What did she say? She said: "The Prophet Muhammad's attitude towards his wives was the most soft among everyone — most soft among everyone. And he was most respectful. And he was very joyful, smiling, whenever he was in the house." And whenever he entered the house, he used to repair his own shoes, sew his own clothes, and do his own things himself. And when it was time for prayer, he would go to the masjid. This was the character of Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, and this is what we need to follow.

And it is not enough to have good manners and good dealings when your wife and you are in a good mood. But one should express the same even when she is angry.

In a hadith from Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim, once Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, said to Aisha:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5228; Sahih Muslim, Book 44, Hadith 2439)

"O Aisha, I know when you are pleased with me and when you are angry with me." She asked, "How?" He replied, "That when you are happy with me, you say 'By the Lord of Muhammad.' And when you are angry with me for some reason, you do not mention my name and say 'By the Lord of Ibrahim.'" Then Aisha said, "I only leave out your name — not you."

In this hadith, we can see that Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, must have seen Aisha in anger many times. But he did not retaliate. Rather he dealt with the matter nicely and resolved it.

In another hadith from Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5186; Sahih Muslim, Book 17, Hadith 1468)

"You should be kind and caring towards your wives. They have been created from the rib, and the topmost part of the rib is the most curved. If you try to straighten it, you will break it. And if you leave it as it is, then it will stay curved but will not break. So you need to accept it as it is, and benefit from whatever it is."

What the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, refers to in this hadith is that it is not necessary that husband and wife have the same mentality, the same way of thinking, and the same level of understanding. You cannot expect from your wife to think the same way as you think. So in order to keep peace in your household and avoid breakdowns, we should adjust accordingly.

A Warning to Wives — Gratitude to the Husband

And referring to the wife, it was narrated that Abdullah ibn Abbas, may Allah be pleased with him, said that the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 29; Sahih Muslim, Book 1, Hadith 132)

"I was shown Hell, and I have never seen anything more terrifying than it. And I saw that the majority of its people are women." They asked, "Why, O Messenger of Allah?" He replied, "Because of their ingratitude." It was said, "Are they ungrateful to Allah?" He said, "No. They are ungrateful to their husbands. Ungrateful for their good treatment. If you are kind to one of them for a lifetime, then she sees one undesirable thing in you, she will say, 'I have never had any good from you.'"

Likewise, if the husband is always looking for weaknesses and mistakes in the wife, and he never praises the good work she does around the house, then he too will be considered as ungrateful. We should remember, brothers, that a wife is most happy when the husband praises her. If you provide everything for her and give her a luxury life, but you do not praise her, she will not be happy with you.

Patience and Positive Thinking in Marriage

Another reason for divorce is the lack of patience and positive thinking. It is human nature to be angry. But when we use our anger in the wrong way, then its consequences get worse. How many people have given divorce to their wife just because of their anger. How many women have asked for divorce from their husband because of their anger, and then regret it all their lives. And their children are affected by all of this.

So if any such situation arises where one or both are very angry, then first thing — try to leave the room, the place, or change the topic of discussion. And more importantly, try to sacrifice for one another. Try to end the conversation where it is, even if you are right and have to give up your opinion and your ego.

The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, gave glad tidings of a mansion in the middle of Jannah for such people who give up their opinion in an argument, even though they were right. And if you adopt such thinking, then Allah will make your home like Jannah in this world too.

I say this and ask Allah for forgiveness for me and for you, and for the rest of the Muslims from every sin. So ask His forgiveness. Indeed, He is the Forgiving, the Merciful.

Second Khutbah — On Divorce and Halala

Dear brothers, having said all these reasons, there are sometimes genuine reasons for divorce, and this should be used as a last resort — and only after failure of all efforts for reconciliation.

If the wife asks the husband for a divorce, she should be aware that if her demand is without any good reason, then she will be in the wrath of Allah and will not be able to have even the fragrance of Jannah. Likewise, if the husband wants to issue a divorce, he should think it over thoroughly and should only issue one divorce.

If the husband pronounces divorce three times in one go, then be aware that this is against the Sunnah and disliked by the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him. People believe that they must pronounce the divorce three times to make it valid. But this is wrong thinking. It creates problems for yourself. Because if you have issued only one divorce, you leave yourself with the opportunity to possibly get back together. But most people rush matters and pronounce three divorces on one occasion, and then they run around seeking a solution to get back together. They are advised by so-called scholars that the only solution they have is to do Halala, and then they can stay together.

The Reality of Halala

Dear brothers and sisters, this Halala is a very dark aspect of our Muslim society which is spreading and has become like a business. Whereas the first thing to know is that according to the Quran and Sunnah, giving three divorces on one occasion only counts as one divorce — not three.

And secondly, the concept of Halala that we have in our society is totally against the Quran and Sunnah, and this has been set up for personal benefits. According to the Quranic teachings, if a husband gives divorce to his wife three times on three separate occasions, then they become haram for one another, and the wife is free to marry someone else with the intention to spend the rest of her life with him — with the second husband. But if, by chance, she is divorced from that husband, or if he passes away, only then is the first husband entitled to marry her again.

Allah says:

The method adopted nowadays of Halala is that the woman is married to someone for a few days, with the planning and intention that she will remain with him for a few days and then he will divorce her, so that she can go back to the first husband. This is totally against the Sunnah. And the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said about this type of Halala:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Book 9, Hadith 1120; Sunan al-Nasa'i, Book 26, Hadith 3416)

"Allah curses the one who does Halala and the one for whom Halala is done."

However, there are many other issues as well related to divorce. So we should be very careful in these matters and seek proper advice before taking any such actions.

May Allah guide us all and keep our families safe, secure, and united.