Family Drama | The Parent's Huddle Session #4 - Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed

Family Drama | The Parent's Huddle Session #4

What are some of the real-life issues that are going on? It might be easy to think that we live in a bubble, that things like addictions, things like abuse, things like drugs, things like disrespect, divorce — it might be easy to think that these things don't exist in our Muslim community. The reality is that they very much do. So what we as Muslims should be doing and how we can do it, alhamdulillah, Mufti Azeem has given us several quite simple remedies.

It's just a matter of who wants to take those remedies. One of the simple things that Mufti Azeem has been asking us, suggesting for us, is to make dhikr with our families. If we have problems with our hearts, if our hearts are uneasy —

It is definitely by the remembrance of Allah that the hearts find contentment. Making du'a together as a family — sit around after a prayer at home, the little kid makes du'a, the wife makes du'a, I make du'a. Share the ability, insha'Allah. There's no hijab in the house.

Something else that we've mentioned regularly is to read from the stories of the Sahabah, radiyallahu anhum, to do some sort of ta'leem in the household. A house where the words of the Prophet ﷺ are recited, a house where the lessons from the life of the Prophet ﷺ and his companions are shared — this is a house that has barakah in it. And the last thing we've mentioned as well, over and over again, is to be careful of the unseen: the effects of the Shaytan, the effects of the jinn, the effects of things that maybe you don't physically see or interact with. This is all stuff that we have to be extremely careful of. May Allah protect our families.

The Home is the Battlefield

Alhamdulillah, I did a session on marriage last night as part of our candlelight conversation series. And I have never received this many questions — the chat maxed out, we had to archive everything and start it again. We had around 250 questions. And it was from all the young brothers and sisters, some married, many of them married as well. But most definitely marriage is just such an important topic. It's relevant to all of us — either we are married, or our parents are married, our siblings are married. Someone's married, someone's going through trouble, or someone wants to get married, which is also a problem.

The point being, this is a topic that needs to be addressed on a regular basis for all of us. And if, alhamdulillah, the home environment is good and if the marriage is good, then insha'Allah you will see the effects of that everywhere outside. And if the home environment is not healthy and happy, you will see the effects of that everywhere as well.

This is why the full body health — whatever you want to call it — is so intrinsically connected with what's happening in the home. And Batil has done such a powerful job. They didn't just attack a country. They didn't just create artificial borders within the Muslim lands. They didn't just break down the Khilafah. What they have done is they have broken down every single home. Every single home from the basis, from each unit, is broken. What is the Khilafah going to do? What is a country going to do if all your citizens are broken?

By creating divisions within mom and dad, between husband and wife, between parents and children — Batil from مِنَ الْجِنِّ وَالْإِنسِ, both from humans and from jinn, they have successfully, for most cases, made people incapable of doing anything they need to do — by making them so worried and frustrated and upset and depressed with things at home.

So when you have a war going on at home, you don't have time to vote. When you have a war going on at home, you don't have time to donate towards a cause overseas. When you have a war going on at home, you don't have time to do anything — because you are so perplexed and overwhelmed by the fighting and the arguing with people in the house that the Ummah's problems seem completely distant and far away from you.

Isn't this the case? A person is like, "Brother, I don't have time to listen to this." A hundred thousand people died in an earthquake. "I know I should feel bad, I should feel empathetic, but I can't, because my son ran away from the home. My daughter just went off with some guy and we haven't heard from her in two days. My wife is mistreating me like this, my husband is mistreating me like this." When you have things like this going on at home, I want you to realize — this is intentional.

As the house goes on fire, you are not capable — even though you are very wealthy or very religious or very eloquent or very concerned about the affairs of the Ummah, even if you are an organizer, a community leader — you can't do any of those things because of this massive issue at home. That is why this needs to be our number one priority: I need to take care of my home.

The Power of Du'a: A Story from Prison

I have to make sure — Eid is five or six days away, end of the week — I have to make sure that I am going to beg Allah to rectify my affairs and change me. Yesterday, I was in a program where a brother shared his story, and I want to quickly share with you the power of du'a.

He mentioned that he got accused of a crime that he didn't do, got arrested, went to court, and it happened to be in Ramadan. So he performed all his salah. He acknowledged the fact that he was not the best of young men — bad company, disrespect to mom and dad, all things of that sort. But the crime that he's being accused of, he said, "I didn't do." So he prayed, made lots and lots of du'a, in the odd nights, everything. The case did not go as he wanted. The charges were not dropped, and he was handed down a lifetime sentence.

SubhanAllah. I know if I were to broach this topic, we'd have a hundred questions right now: "Does Allah still love me? I made du'a for the past two years, I still haven't gotten what I asked for. How do I know? I'm getting depressed." Three days ago, a brother told me, "Give me advice — I'm having doubts in my faith." I said, "What's the issue?" He said he's been making du'a and things haven't changed in the past few years, so he thinks God doesn't exist. This happened to me the day before yesterday. So there are so many people like this — when the du'a doesn't seem to be accepted, they say, "I'm done."

This brother gets handed down a full lifetime sentence while he's making du'a in Ramadan on the odd nights. But he said — what an amazing perspective. Brothers, sisters, you can't change the world, but you can change your perspective. He said, "I have been such a bad son to my mom and dad. I guess this is my punishment. Yes, I didn't do this crime, but Allah is teaching me a lesson — that I hurt my parents. Let me just accept it for that."

He gets sent to prison. After the talk, I didn't realize it — it was 10 years. He said, "Yeah, I spent 10 years incarcerated." In Ramadan of 2023 — after his ninth or tenth year — he said, "I'm in a small cell. The cell is so small that if I extend my hands out, it touches the walls. The bed is so narrow that one arm touches the wall and the other arm is dangling over the edge. And the light is coming through the cell gate, reflecting inside. I'm looking at this, and it just dawned on me — this is my cave, this is my Ghar Hira."

It had been nine, ten years. He said, "I don't think I'm getting out. Lifetime sentence, already did ten years. It's not working. So let me stop focusing on the dunya. I have made myself agreeable to Allah's taqdeer and destiny — that I'm meant to spend my entire life in prison. It's okay. Now let's make sure the future life is not like this." So he said, "I dedicated that Ramadan to making du'a only for the akhira. Only for the akhira."

And he said in that Ramadan, in that prison cell, the sweetness of iman — it was almost uncontrollable, almost unbearable. He said, "I started beginning to think about what you hear regarding the people of Jannah — how will they have this extreme form of ecstasy and happiness from being close to Allah? Not just the blessings of Jannah and the wildan and the hur and the food, but —"

Knowing Allah's pleasure is the greatest thing. The sweetness of iman that you hear the awliya have — he said, "I started getting a taste of that." It's overwhelmingly powerful, such that no lustful desire of this dunya being fulfilled can give you a state of ecstasy the way you receive when you fall in love with Allah and Allah allows you to feel His love. And he said that's how he spent that month — unparalleled.

One month after Ramadan, he got a phone call from his relatives that his case had been overturned, the sentence removed, and he was free. And he said, "SubhanAllah — I knew that in the messed-up legal system we have, the percentage of verdicts that get overturned is a very, very minuscule amount. And for that to happen, I knew that Allah had decided for me something great — that my freedom, just like my imprisonment, was a test. In this freedom, Allah wants to see what I will do when I'm out. Am I going to waste my time just enjoying life, or am I going to do something great?"

Alhamdulillah, he has dedicated his work to Muslim life in prison, trying to help the 300,000 plus-or-minus incarcerated Muslims be able to practice their deen. SubhanAllah — the vast majority of them are reverts.

And I mentioned to him: my interaction with Muslim convicts or ex-convicts is limited, but what comes to my mind regarding the high rate of Muslims in prison — it's not because Muslims are being arrested left and right for some crimes. It's more so that, alhamdulillah, they are accepting Islam in prison. The reason they're able to do that is because they have solitude. When you don't have your phone, you don't have your distractions, you start focusing, meditating, building your relationship with a Creator — Allah will guide you. And if we were to bring that same level of focus and solitude into our lives outside of prison, we'd all change too.

The reason we are where we are today is because we have allowed ourselves to be continuously distracted by everything — by family, by social media, by our phones, by work. And even in the month of Ramadan, so many people say, "We don't feel it. I feel so guilty. It's three or four days left, I haven't cried once." And the reason we're not feeling it:

Allah has not given us two hearts. When our minds are focused in so many different directions, it is so hard for us to attain anything.

End the Family Drama — Starting with Yourself

When we see the discord in our family, I want us to realize that this is all intentional. The idea is to keep you fighting at home. Why do these countries that were once together, now with an arbitrary line created between them — why is their biggest budget a so-called "defense budget" against the brother next door? The guy looks like you, talks like you, acts like you, same skin color, same food. And you're spending 50–60% of your budget trying to fight him. In many instances, they are literally family — one brother on this side, one brother on this side. What is the point? The point is to make you sit there and fight with one another so you don't look at the big picture.

Same thing with family drama — we have to put our foot down and say, "That's it." اللهم نتوب إليك — "Ya Allah, I make tawbah from family drama." You cannot make tawbah and end everyone else's family drama. But what you can do is say: "I will not become a means of any family drama. I will not become a catalyst for family drama. I will not add mirch and masala and spices to the family drama. I'm not going to add fuel to the fire."

Controlling the Tongue

And how do you go about doing that? For one thing, it's controlling our tongue. If we control our tongue — الْبَلَاءُ مُوَكَّلٌ بِالْمَنْطِقِ — all problems and difficulties are connected with speech.

"If you believe in Allah and in the Day of Judgment, say something good or zip it up." What is going to be the main reason why people will be dragged headlong into Hellfire?

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 2616; Ibn Majah, Hadith 3973)

The effects of their tongues. My dear mother, my dear sister, my dear brother, my dear father, husband — we do not understand the potency and the extremely powerful influence that the tongue has.

Have you not gone to see someone who is depressed and sad — his son passed away, or he's going through a divorce, or his mother is very ill? You go, you sit with him, you meet him at the masjid or at home, three minutes, two minutes, you share a few words. He's crying, sobbing — and then, subhanAllah, he stops. He was looking down; now he looks up. He had a stone face; now he's able to crack a smile. What happened? That is the power of good words. That's why Nabi ﷺ even called it a sadaqah.

Just as good, kind words have a powerful effect, the opposite is also very true. One statement said at the wrong time in the wrong place can completely destroy the whole environment. This is exactly what happens when we deal with marital issues. It's always, "She said this" and "He said this." And before you get to throwing things — where does it start from? All the time, it starts off with one statement, and that just blows the fuse.

So we have to master the art of biting down on our tongue. No matter how much we want to speak up, for the sake of Allah, I am going to seal it. And this is what Abu Bakr radiyallahu anhu would do — and if you go to Madinah, your ziyarah is not complete without saying salam to the Prophet ﷺ and saying salam to Abu Bakr al-Siddiq radiyallahu anhu and of course Umar ibn al-Khattab radiyallahu anhu — he would put a pebble in his mouth, to make sure that if he wants to speak, it should only be when it is super necessary. And he has to remove the pebble, causing inconvenience to himself, in order to speak. Hence, he's not going to keep on doing it. He's only going to speak when it's necessary, and he's definitely going to think before he speaks.

This is like putting a lock on your phone. When a person begins to think that he's going to get charged for every single word he says, he thinks 10 times before speaking. This will get rid of 50% of our problems. This is my ask today: if you want to end family drama, end the free range and free usage of your tongue. Clamp down on it.

And the one who has taqwa — who has the fear of Allah, who has the realization that he's going to be facing Allah on the Day of Judgment — he'll be able to do it. If we can't do that in the last week of Ramadan, after fasting for 25–26 days and doing so much qiyam, honestly, what other time of the year are we planning to do this?

So we have to say, "That's it." Insha'Allah, I make a firm resolve that I will be controlling my tongue to the best of my ability. And when I slip and fall and misuse it, I'm going to punish myself. I don't need someone else to tell me I spoke out of line. I myself, insha'Allah, will realize it, and I will do something that hurts my nafs — give $100 in sadaqah, perform 10 raka'at of nafil salah, or do something unbelievably nice for the person I just hurt — my son, my daughter, my parent. This, my beloved brothers and sisters, is going to be a powerful way to stop adding fuel to the fire.

The Greatest Eid Gift for Your Children

My beloved friends, one Eid gift I would like all of us to give to our children. The best Eid gift is not a trip overseas, not a trip to Florida, not a trip to some island. What our children — especially our young ones — want to see, the biggest gift for them, is a loving mom and dad. Not loving towards them — that's a separate thing — but loving amongst themselves. A husband and wife that get along: that is the greatest gift you can give to any child.

And Allah knows what trauma a child goes through when he sees his parents not on the same page. No amount of hugs and kisses, no amount of trips to Orlando — honestly, you can try all you want. He'll smile, he'll laugh, but inside there's nothing more he wants, nothing more she wants, than for you to stop fighting with your spouse. And that's what they quietly sob about at night. After you tuck them in and leave, the tears start. The pillow is wet. I swear by Allah, this is how it is, subhanAllah.

And they don't have counselors, they don't have therapists. One babysitter told me during Tarawih that the six- and seven-year-olds were telling her things that horrified her — all the trauma they're witnessing at home. At the age of 27, when you wonder why their marriage is falling apart, or why they don't want to get married, or why they're committing the worst types of sins even though you gave them the best tarbiyah — it started at the age of five, twenty years ago.

When you see young children being sent to the most beautiful, most expensive Islamic schools, with one-on-one tutors for basketball, math, swimming — two, three, four, five thousand dollars just in fees for the child — but there is fighting taking place at home, you are truly destroying that child's future. He's not in Gaza, he's not in Sudan, but that's what you're doing. You're acting like you're in Gaza and Sudan when you don't need to. You're living in a beautiful home. Why are you making your son and daughter grow up as though they are a refugee living in a tent? That's how damaged they're becoming.

I've had 11-, 12-, 13-year-old boys just break down in front of me, crying. And they say, "I became a Hafiz — what's the point of being Hafiz? What's the point of doing all this stuff when I had to witness how much my mom and dad argued and fought with each other?" A completely innocent kid, shaking, sobbing — "No child should ever have to witness this. No child should ever have to go through this. I could live in an apartment. I don't need all this stuff. But what I don't want is to see you all going at each other's throats."

So all those mothers and fathers thinking of the best Eid gift for their kids — nothing is more powerful than this. Your son or daughter may smile at you and give you a hug for Eid, but deep down they are extremely hurt — even though you might feel oppressed in the relationship, or feel you have a lot to deal with. Whatever it is, do it for the sake of Allah. Do it for the emotional, mental, and spiritual health of your kids.

I could say 9.5 out of 10 times — trace any major issue a youngster brings to me and it traces back to a toxic environment at home. It's not the problem of the kids; it's the problem of the parents. Any problem, 9.5 out of 10 times, is linked to a toxic environment at home. Obviously parents love their children, but in the process, they don't realize how much harm they're putting their children through because of this drama.

So for Allah's sake — you're fighting with your husband over your kids? You're fighting with your wife over your children's tarbiyah? No one is doing more harm to your kids than you — right now, by screaming, throwing things, attacking, disrespecting your spouse in front of your kids. If you want to fight it out, wait till the kids go to school. Make their lunch together, walk them to the car together, give them hugs and kisses together. Fake holding hands as you send them off to school. After that, do whatever you need to do. But in front of the children, keep a united face.

When Children Turn Away from Islam

And this is exactly what Shaytan is telling these kids. I'm dealing with this. Nine-, ten-, thirteen-year-olds say, "I don't want to be Muslim anymore." How is that? "My mom and dad both go for Tarawih. My mother wears jilbab, wears hijab. My dad grows a beard and donates. But what's the point? If this is what Islam is — I don't want to be Muslim."

I remember one fifteen-year-old who was enrolled in a program I was teaching. Three days later, he decided to de-enroll and leave. He used to sit right in front, notebook open, writing everything down, asking for transliterations of Arabic phrases. So much eagerness and desire. When I heard he was de-enrolling, I intercepted him as he was leaving. I said, "How's everything?" He said, "Actually, not so well." I said, "Everything okay?" He said, "No, I need to talk to you."

This is how you resolve issues — you don't let the person know you're there to fix something. You show up at the right time, at the right place, and let it be organic. He came into my office and said, "Things are not going well. I'm going to leave the summer program." I said, "Why do you want to leave?" He said, "I lost interest." I said, "I don't buy that. How could you lose interest when you were right in front taking notes?" He said, "Do you really want to know the reason?" I said, "Yes." He said, "I'm not a Muslim anymore." Fifteen years old.

I calmly asked, "So what are you?" He said, "I'm an agnostic — since last night." He said, "I'm not arrogant enough to say I'm an atheist. I'm an agnostic. I don't know if God exists, but I won't say He definitely doesn't."

I took out a sheet of paper and said, "Okay, let's talk about it. What are the objections you have against Islam?" And I asked Allah for help. Under the desk, I texted a few brothers and said, "I'm sitting with someone who has left Islam right now. Kindly start doing some dhikr so that Allah inspires me with the right answers." You have to have your spiritual dimensions working full gear and your material dimensions working too.

Alhamdulillah, his objections weren't too difficult. He had watched a YouTube debate of an atheist the night before — one hour — and at the end of that debate, he decided he could no longer be a Muslim. This is what the Prophet ﷺ spoke about:

(Sahih Muslim, Book 1, Hadith 186)

"A person will wake up as a believer and go to bed as a disbeliever. Go to bed as a believer and wake up as a disbeliever." The era the Prophet ﷺ prophesied is already present.

Alhamdulillah, I answered his questions. By Allah's will and barakah they were not hard. He understood them. And he looked at me after 10 minutes and said, "I'm ready to take the shahada." Alhamdulillah — Allah guided him back.

Then I said, "I understand this was the issue, but this was the tipping point. This is not the real issue. Give me the real reason." And that's when he broke down crying — crying so much I had to hand him a box of Kleenex. And he talked about family drama. "My dad and my mom, they're practicing Muslims. The community thinks of them as very good people. They're involved in the masjid, on the board, in Sunday school. But they're so horrible at home. They swear, use the worst swear words at each other and at us. They cheat in business. So much family drama. We had to call the police on each other — siblings. And I just thought, if this is what Islam is — which obviously it's not — I'd rather not be a Muslim than be a Muslim like this, leading a dual life."

This is your normal young man's story today. The drama at home is pushing them away. And you wonder, "Why are you not a good child? Why aren't you interested in coming to programs?" They are sick and tired of all of this.

And does your wrongdoing, mom and dad, legitimize their wrong? No. You think that's going to hold up in the court of law on the Day of Judgment — "I left Islam because my mom and dad fought"? No, I'm sorry. Your mom and dad, if they did all that drama, they're going to face their own consequences. But you — you're going to face your own consequences.

You cannot blame somebody else for your own sins. Each person is responsible for his own actions. No matter what trauma you experienced — no matter what — I am responsible for my own actions. I cannot constantly be blaming environmental factors, my parents, my siblings, or my ex for my doing things I know are haram. Take responsibility. We're going to work with the people causing stress to you, but at the same time, do not think you're off the hook.

The Best Gift for Your Parents

The other side of this: the best gift you can give to your mom and dad is not a fancy dinner or paying for their Umrah. The best gift you can give them is a united group of siblings — brothers and sisters who do not fight, who are loving and caring towards one another. There is nothing more that a mom and dad would like to see than this. All material things are secondary. What they want to see is: "Alhamdulillah, my children are on the same page. They do not allow their own spouses to get in between them."

One brother told me: his wife told her own brother, "You have disrespected my husband so badly — that's it, I'm never coming to your house again." The husband said, "SubhanAllah, I appreciate the love you have for me. But I would never become a means of breaking your relationship with your siblings. Whatever he said or did to me — that's two men dealing with our own problems. But I cannot allow you to break your relationship with your own brother for this reason. I appreciate your commitment to this marriage, but I do not want to become a means of breaking the relationship between siblings."

MashaAllah, alhamdulillah — that's how it should be. They both did an amazing job. That's a role model for a lot of our problems.

Think about this: the relationship between siblings is actually the longest one. Husband and wife get married, and sometimes they divorce. Mom and dad — after 30, 40, 50, 60 years, a time will come when they are gone and the children are still there. The longest lasting relationship is that of siblings. And you cannot divorce your sibling. So if we have siblings, this is a relationship that, in this day and age, is also being broken. We find ourselves so much closer to friends than to siblings.

I pray Allah brings harmony into all of our homes, allows mom and dad to give the gift their children need and want, and allows the children to give the gift their parents want — unity and muhabbat amongst themselves. Say ameen.

Q&A Session

How Do We Avoid Going Back to Old Habits After Feeling Motivated?

Whatever you're feeling motivated for — write it down now. Before you stand up and leave, write down what you feel motivated to do and why. Was it a story? A hadith? A statement? A reflection? Write that down. Number two: when you're making du'a every day, keep that list in mind. Refresh it. Make du'a that Allah allows you to keep away from those things. Will you 100% guaranteed be able to stay away from old habits all the time? No. But at least you recognize what your bad habit is. That's huge. When you fall into it, immediately repent and make tawbah.

Some of it requires not just du'a, but intervention and therapy. Go ahead — acknowledge that I have been like this for 50, 60 years. Can habits change? Yes they can. The greatest habit is kufr and shirk — there are 70-year-olds accepting Islam. How can someone accept Islam at 70 and you say your habit can't change? It can change. That's what a successful therapist does. He goes into your brain, into your mind, and makes you rethink how you interact with certain scenarios — basically reshuffling your mental energy and the way you process things. In 10 sessions, alhamdulillah, it changes the way you think.

I Feel Dull and Dead at Home but Light and Happy Outside

Alhamdulillah, the fact that you're acknowledging this is huge. We should feel the most excited when we enter home — that's home base. Maybe there is something upsetting you. You need to sit down and do some muhasabah, meditation, talk it out. What stress do you have at home that makes you feel so heavy when you enter? If after five or ten minutes you can't think of anything, then this is from Shaytan — Shaytan wants you to become a means of toxicity within your home. No one likes a party pooper. That's not how it's supposed to be. We should all be excited to see each other. I would suggest start working on spiritual treatments — which we'll cover at the end.

My Brother Had a Panic Attack in the Masjid and Is Now Doubting Islam

If he had a panic attack in the masjid and he's doubting Islam because of that, think about it — it's so obvious. That panic attack is also connected with the same thing that's creating doubts within him. That's Shaytan. He utilized some external means to create that panic attack, and now is using it as a foundation for the brother to leave Islam. I see this all the time. Some experience happens and becomes the pretext for giving up.

A brother told me he was volunteering in a masjid and one person ignored his directions. He got so upset he said, "I'm leaving and not coming back." I asked how many times it had happened. He said six times — with the same individual, who isn't even from the area. What are the chances of this happening six times with the same person? Don't you think he's been sent by Shaytan to test you? Why are you failing this test? How does it help your akhira to throw the towel in? We need to learn how to connect these dots. I would suggest most definitely focusing on spiritual ruqya or Quranic ruqya for your brother.

How Do You Handle Persistent Spousal Problems and Unreasonable Expectations?

There are only two ways I can think of to deal with issues at home. One is therapy — and therapy could simply mean an older, experienced person in the community, an experienced grandparent, someone who loves you and cares about your family being intact, and who has experience. You do not want someone who only loves you but does not love your home. Run away from them. Sometimes it is these very own so-called close friends who ruin everything. Wallahi, sometimes it's the close friend who does you more harm than anybody else.

"Man, I love you, brother. You don't need to deal with your wife like this. There are so many other women out there." And now you divorce her — and Allah forbid, what happens next? His good old friend is sitting in the masjid doing ibadah while he's sitting somewhere he shouldn't be. Stay far away from friends who give advice like that. And for the sisters too — anyone who says, "There are so many great men out there" or "You don't need to be married in the first place — just walk out." You have to remind yourself to stay away from that person.

They may not intend to harm you, but Shaytan is using them. The advice they're giving, if you act on it, is horrible. How often do I say "get divorced"? Rarely, rarely, rarely. Because the way people address marital problems — as though walking away is always the answer — is a problem. Dads always ask me, "What line does she cross for me to kick her out of the house?" And I say you never cross that line. You can't push her out, you can't push your son out of the house — because you're not pushing him out tomorrow, you're putting him into hell right now. When you push him out, the chance of his rectification is very, very, very difficult.

You know the famous story where the Prophet ﷺ was with a young man who was dying. The Prophet ﷺ asked him to say the kalimah. The man couldn't. The Prophet ﷺ asked repeatedly. Then he asked whether the man's mother was alive. She was. He called her. While they went to get her, the Prophet ﷺ ordered firewood to be brought and a fire to be started. When she arrived, she confirmed he had hurt and upset her. The Prophet ﷺ then ordered the companions to act as though they were throwing him into the fire. She screamed. Then he said, "If you don't forgive him and he doesn't say the kalimah, the fire he will face on the Day of Judgment will be something far, far greater." When she heard this, she immediately forgave him — and he was able to say the kalimah and passed away.

A mom and dad — you genuinely do not want your kids to go to hell. No one would want that. So the last thing you want to do is kick them out of the house. Breaking away is not the solution.

How Can I Get Married If My Mother Is Against It Due to Race or Ethnicity?

You go about it by listening to your mother. If your mother is unhappy, your father is unhappy — it's so hard to stay married to someone when you already have everything going right and you still want to get divorced. So imagine you don't even have the blessings of your mom. Is marrying from another ethnicity permissible? Of course it is. But if your mom and dad are saying no, don't go in that direction. You're never going to get khair out of it when you do not have the du'a of the parents. Simple as that.

We have to change — absolutely have to — our relationship with our parents. It has to be one of genuine submission. And if your mom and dad are mushrik — if they sit there and worship idols — you still have to obey them, as long as they're not forcing you to commit shirk. Allah says:

"In the affairs of the dunya, you have to treat them well as long as they're not forcing you to commit shirk." Your mom and dad are not idol worshipers. They have communication issues, interpersonal problems — and so do you and I. Make sabr with it. Your disobedience to your parents because they have an issue is not an excuse on the Day of Judgment. "My dad was narcissistic, my mom was too harsh — hence I disobeyed them." That's not going to hold up in the court of Allah.

And the court date for those who disobey their parents is not in the akhira. The court date is in this dunya. Whoever disobeys their parents — guaranteed, they will see the punishment of it in this dunya. The disobedience to parents is one sin that Allah does not wait for the akhira to begin the punishment. So think about the problems you're currently involved in. Maybe it's because of how you've treated your mom and dad. I would suggest today — call them, apologize to them. If they've passed away, do a massive amount of sadaqa jariyah on their behalf, recite Quran for them, dedicate the reward. Through the barakah of that, insha'Allah, Allah will remove the evil effects of what we have done wrong to our parents.

My Husband Is Often Tired and Rarely Emotionally Present — How Do We Maintain Intimacy?

SubhanAllah — you cannot be a good dad and mom unless you're first a good husband and wife. You first get married, you are each other's husband and wife. Then after that, Allah gives you kids. So make this relationship rock solid. Don't ruin your relationship with your spouse in the name of your kids. Absolutely not.

The rule is: don't argue with someone next to you in the room for the sake of a person who's not in the room. Your parents are not in the room. Her parents are not in the room. Your kids are not in the room. Who's in the room? It's you and her. At all costs, do not ruin the relationship between the couple because of somebody who isn't there. Everybody else is an outsider. You'll get to them later.

This type of discussion has to happen with your spouse — couple time, without the kids. And think about our parents' generation. Majority of those in this masjid in their 30s and 40s — our parents went through arranged marriages with very little communication beforehand, without going out of their way with courses and books, without destination weddings and romantic vacations. Yet 50-plus years later, their marriages have endured immigration, hunger, lack of insurance, not knowing how to pay the bills — they endured all of that, and they are still married. And if one of them passed away, 30 years later they still don't want to get married to anybody else. Every time they think about their spouse, they start crying. Find me a young couple like this today.

All we know is wealth and lovey-dovey and $2,000 purses and luxury homes — and all we've got is fighting and toxicity and hatred. This has nothing to do with how much you spend. The reason we're getting divorced is not because we didn't go on enough dates or take enough vacations. Get rid of the nafs. Our older generation said, "You are my share and I am your share — we're done. Sort it out." Whatever happens, don't even say the D word. Life is too short. It's just a matter of a few decades and everyone's gone. Sort it out and figure it out.

But you say, "I have a tough relationship." My friend — this tough relationship is your gateway to Jannah. Did you not hear the story of Umar ibn al-Khattab radiyallahu anhu? A Sahabi came to his door, knocked once, then left. Umar radiyallahu anhu called him back and said, "Do you not know? The etiquette is to knock three times. Why did you leave after one knock?" He said, "The need I had come for got fulfilled." He said, "What do you mean?" He said, "I came to you because my wife is very tough, very rough with me at home. I came to ask you, Ameer al-Mu'mineen, for help. And then subhanAllah, I heard the way your wife was speaking to you at home. When I heard this, I said — if the Ameer al-Mu'mineen is being spoken to like this at home, then I am not Umar ibn al-Khattab. I'm not the one who has been given the glad tiding that if there would be a prophet after him, it would be Umar."

And Umar radiyallahu anhu said, "Yes — look at how much she does for us. How much khidmah, how much she does." Even the roses have thorns around them. Even the finest grade of meat — you have to clean the fat around it. Even a date, the most amazing date — it's got a pit you have to spit out. Every single thing in this dunya, it's got something you have to work around. To enjoy your wife and to spend time with her, you have to make sabr with a few things that come with it. Your wife at times will have emotional outbursts — that's just part of how Allah created them. You make sabr with it.

But on the flip side — dear wives, you can't say on the Day of Judgment, "Oh, we were allowed to have emotional outbursts." No, you're not. Every single thing you say is being recorded:

"Not even an utterance you make except that there is a watchful recorder ready." Dear wives: you can pray tahajjud, you can attend a halaqah, you can feed a hundred people — but if you cannot control your tongue in front of your husband, you will face Allah for that. And you'll have a tough day in court for that.

That's why the Prophet ﷺ said — in the hadith of Sahih al-Bukhari — that the majority of the dwellers of Jahannam will be women. The women weren't saying "Islam is anti-women." They were asking:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 304; Sahih Muslim, Book 1, Hadith 142)

"You swear a lot with your tongue, and you are ungrateful to your husbands." Both with the tongue. So the women hearing this should say — this hadith is not for husbands to quote to their wives. This hadith is for women to listen to themselves. This is another problem: we always want to hear the hadith related to our spouse. Listen to the hadith pointed towards you.

And when the husband has got problems — yes, he's not emotionally present, he comes home late. But is he paying for the food? Is he paying for the $800–$1,200 a month childcare? I know one person paying $5,000 a month for childcare. Who's paying for it? Start focusing on the positive points your husband brings to the marriage. Start focusing on the positive points of your wife.

My mother, hafidhahullah, gave me advice long ago. She said, "Whenever you have an argument with your spouse, remember — your spouse protects you from haram. And there is nothing more important for you than staying away from haram." Stay married. Because honestly, divorce seems like a nice way out — until you've been divorced for a few years and cannot imagine this type of pain exists. It's so hard for a previously married person with children to find someone again, especially approaching 40. Is it impossible? No. But try your best to stay.

What Is the Difference Between Patience and Being Oppressed?

Sabr is that you follow the deen while going through difficulty. Being oppressed is when you don't even do that — you don't wake up for tahajjud, you don't pray your salah, you don't read your Quran, you don't do dhikr. Sabr is you do everything while going through the pain. In the pain, you are doing every single ibadah and act of worship that Rasulullah ﷺ has taught for people going through difficulty. Am I fulfilling the rights of Allah in this marriage? On the Day of Judgment, will I be regarded as an oppressor? Ask a scholar — tell him what you do at home and let him tell you. As long as he says no, make the adjustments and you're good to go. Your difficulty in marriage itself, insha'Allah, will be the gateway to Jannah.

What Are Islam's Limits on Public Display of Affection?

My ustad, Mawlana Sulayman Mulla, mentioned: show your children the love you have for your spouse — not your lust. Show love. Make breakfast and take it to them. Say, "SubhanAllah, your father is working so hard — let's do something special for him." That's what we show our children. A kiss on the forehead, holding hands in front of the kids — this is actually important. But nothing beyond that. There has to be inhibition and haya. And publicly, none of that. The way you dress in the bedroom should be different from the hallway, different from the living room when receiving guests, different from when parents come to visit. This is all rooted in haya.

Take-Home Points: Removing Shaytanic Influences from the Home

Before you go into any therapy, remove the Shaytanic influences from the house. Here are the points — write them down or record them:

1. Recite Surah al-Baqarah

Nabi ﷺ said the Shaytan runs away from a house in which Surah al-Baqarah is recited.

(Sahih Muslim, Book 4, Hadith 1707)

This is not only for husband and wife — it's for mom, dad, and kids. And there's only one place in the Quran where sihr has been mentioned and why it's used — in Surah al-Baqarah:

Allah says that's what they use sihr for — to break marriages. And you don't need a human to do sihr on you. It is the shayateen themselves who do this. That's their goal. Read Surah al-Baqarah — I don't care if papers have already been filed, if a first talaq has already happened. Start working on the solution now. Blow it into water, put it in the food. Start. A boy told me his mom had left for a hotel, everything was falling apart. I told him to go home and recite Surah al-Baqarah with his siblings. Within two days he told me his mom gave up the idea, came home, and they went on their family vacation that same week.

2. Say Bismillah Upon Entering the Home

The Prophet ﷺ said: when a person says bismillah and enters the home, the shayateen say to each other, "Get out — there is no place to stay here, no place to eat, no place to spend the night."

(Sahih Muslim, Book 36, Hadith 5006)

3. Say As-Salamu Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh Out Loud

How many of us say our kids don't say salam? Stop it — put the rule in your home. No one enters without saying salam. Wife, husband — "I've got a bunch of groceries." "I'm not helping until you say salam." Enter with the right foot, say bismillah, and say As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh to everybody. The Prophet ﷺ would always use the miswak upon entering the home — maintaining personal hygiene, smelling nice, looking good for your spouse. Not for the outside world. We stand in front of the mirror before going out, but how many of us say, "I'm about to meet my husband/wife — let me make myself presentable, put on cologne, wash my face, take a mint"? The kids want to see a happy dad. The wife wants to see a happy husband. Make the effort before entering the home.

4. Perform Voluntary (Nafl) Salah at Home

The Prophet ﷺ said in the hadith of Sahih al-Bukhari:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 432; Sahih Muslim, Book 4, Hadith 1691)

"Do not make your homes like graves." Have a designated musalla in your house where the family prays, so that prayers are visible to everyone including the children.

5. Recite the Du'a Before Intimacy

"O Allah, keep us away from Shaytan and keep Shaytan away from that which You are going to provide us in the form of children." Also recite Surah Yasin and Surah ar-Rahman on a regular basis, dedicating the reward to whoever you're having difficulty with at home — spouse, children, parents. On the way home from work, recite Yasin and ar-Rahman, and dedicate the reward. It will work unbelievably quickly. Also prepare spiritually before intimacy — not just physically. Spiritual preparation is equally important.

6. Remove Dogs and Pictures of Living Beings from the Home

The Prophet ﷺ said: in a house where there is a dog or a picture of a living being, the angels do not enter. That includes mounted trophies (taxidermy) and pictures adorning the walls. Remove them. Some very expensive, beautiful homes I've visited — you want to leave immediately. You feel so uncomfortable. An outsider can feel the dark energy. There are certain things that attract shayateen and push angels away.

7. Close All Doors and Cover Vessels at Night

The Prophet ﷺ instructed us to close all doors, especially bathroom doors, saying bismillah. Cover any open food or vessels. One brother told me that he realized they'd been leaving the bathroom door open during their arguments. He started practising on this hadith, closing the door and saying bismillah. He said that one act alone removed their problems.

8. Recite the Three Quls and Ayat al-Kursi Before Sleeping

The Prophet ﷺ said that an angel will be destined to be at your side to protect you from the attacks of Shaytan. Recite:

9. When Anger Arises, Recite A'udhu Billah

As soon as you feel anger, immediately recite a'udhu billahi minash-shaitanir-rajim. Keep repeating it. Make it a habit. If your child says something disrespectful to your wife, before you correct anyone, start saying this — because you don't want Shaytan to make the situation even worse. Then, when you've de-escalated, deal with it. And if things get heated, don't stay in the room. Take a 15-minute break. Tell them, "I need 15 minutes. I'm going to the bedroom. I'll have my phone off." De-escalate, de-escalate, de-escalate by removing yourself from the source of anger.

10. Read the Morning and Evening Adhkar Collectively

You have apps, cards, all sorts of resources. Make it a family habit — read it collectively at the breakfast table before the kids go to school. In the car, play it. By the time your children are in first or second grade, they'll know all of it. Start them at age two and three.

11. Lower Your Voice and Speak Kindly

The Prophet ﷺ said:

(Sahih Muslim, Book 45, Hadith 6601)

"Any person who is deprived of softness and kindness has been deprived of all goodness." Be soft and calm at home. In another hadith, the Prophet ﷺ said that gentleness is not found in anything except that it beautifies it. Sometimes you have to take deep breaths as you speak — because it's so upsetting how your significant other is dealing with you — but make sure you don't lose your cool. Be as soft as possible. And if you genuinely can't, say, "I need a quick break — can you give me 15 minutes?"

12. Build Spiritual Endurance Through Nafl Fasting

Nafl fasting outside of Ramadan — Mondays and Thursdays, and the 13th, 14th, and 15th of each lunar month.

13. Recite This Du'a When Looking in the Mirror

"O Allah, just as You have beautified my external appearance, beautify my character." Imagine a husband and wife both making this du'a every morning and evening as they get ready. "O Allah, I look so beautiful after the makeup, after combing my hair — now make my akhlaq beautiful as well." That's the power in this du'a.

14. Stay in a State of Wudu

When a person stays in the state of wudu, he is protected from Shaytan. The Prophet ﷺ said, "Only a believer remains steadfast on wudu." This is a sign of iman. When entering home, when leaving home — always stay in the state of wudu.

15. Keep Marital Issues Private

Have one trusted person to speak to. Do not mention your marital affairs — good or bad — to your group of friends. Don't go sharing your happy moments with everyone, because it may generate negative energy from those going through difficulty. And don't share your tough moments with people except the one who can actually help you. Some men say, "I'll handle it myself, I want to be macho." You can't handle it yourself. A broken relationship requires seeking help. Please stop acting macho — seeking assistance is completely part of the deen.

16. Do Ibadah Together as a Family

Istighfar together, dhikr together, du'a together. A husband and wife who pray tahajjud and then make du'a together — how could you have problems? Instead of making du'a separately, say to your wife: "Why don't you make du'a tonight — I'll say ameen." Or the wife says, "I want to pray behind you tonight." Tahajjud together — you've got four or five nights of Ramadan left to practice this. Make it happen. Then in the evening, a halaqah of ta'leem — reading from a book, collective dhikr, collective du'a. Do these things, and insha'Allah your issues will automatically resolve.

Closing

I've shared around 22 things — all from Hadith, all from the Quran. Start doing this and our home will become harmonious. The drama will end. Do we need to make some habit changes? Yes. And that's when therapy will be effective. First do this — once all the external influence is removed, it'll be easy to sit with someone and say, "How do I improve my communication with my daughter? How do I improve my relationship with my son?" Just like a doctor doesn't treat himself, when we have an issue, we have to ask for somebody's help. Scholarly help and therapy are very important.

I hope, insha'Allah, all of us are going to be blessed with a beautiful, harmonious home as soon as possible. This Eid will be a different Eid for all of us, insha'Allah. And we hope, bi'ithnillahi ta'ala, that we'll give the best gift to our kids and the best gift to our parents — harmony within our home.

Wa salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.