Marital Intimacy | The Parent's Huddle Session #3 - Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed

The Balance of Accusation and Accountability

The idea is to speak so much about it to instill fear. When you do not have fear of the fire of Jahannam, of the Hereafter, at least have fear of something like this in this world. And then to counter that, you also have the second punishment — that if you randomly just accuse people, you better watch out. Better be afraid that in cross-questioning, if your testimony does not hold up in court, instead of getting someone else in trouble, you're going to get in very, very, very big trouble. So it's this amazing balancing system where everyone is afraid that they're going to get caught, but also everyone is afraid to accuse anybody else. Everyone is just looking at themselves.

Forget about you, forget about you. Who am I to sit there and say she did this and he did this? Think about today how much we talk about one another. How much false accusation is on WhatsApp, and in our Iftar discussions, Taraweeh discussions — always speaking about the Ahmads down the street and the Patels down the street and Fulan down the street, what they're doing.

Because there's no fear of repercussion. Every word I'm saying — when you falsely accuse somebody of something, of a wrong, of an evil intention, of an ulterior motive, or even of zina, of sleeping around — whatever the case may be, you cannot take this lightly. These are huge, huge accusations. And Allah is watching and we will be judged based on that.

The Purpose of Marriage and Nikah

Having, alhamdulillah, completed that part, I would like to, insha'Allah, move on to the next topic: what is marriage and nikah supposed to be? It's many things. Many, many things. Of course, it is a means of supporting one another emotionally. It's a means of financial support for one another, etc. But you cannot deny the fact that it is a means of procreation and a means of letting the ummah grow and move forward. That is the fundamental basis of marriage — that it becomes a means of a biological need being fulfilled and children coming to this world and progeny moving forward.

The Prophet ﷺ said it very clearly: marry someone who is loving and who is also able to give many children. Of course, there is no test before that — that's not the point of it. The idea is mentality. When you're going into marriage, you're going into it with the mentality that I'm going to build my ummah. On the Day of Judgment, I am going to be happy and appreciative of how large my ummah is going to be on that day. So the Prophet ﷺ clearly exhorted us to have larger families and brought that up in the basis of our marriage.

What else? O young people, whoever has the ability to handle marriage and the related responsibilities, he should get married. Why? I'm not saying this, you're not saying this — the Prophet ﷺ said this:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5065; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1400)

"O young people, whoever has the ability to handle marriage and the related responsibilities, he should get married. For indeed, it is most effective in helping guard the gaze and most effective in protecting one's private part from falling into sin. And whoever is not able to get married at the moment, then he needs to hold on to fasting. Because indeed, fasting is an antidote to this strong biological desire for physical intimacy."

Fasting, subhanAllah, weakens the appetite for this. Not just one day or two days, but continuous fasting. Like we did now — mashaAllah, 18 days. If a person will see, change comes. Sometimes people say, I don't feel the change. Because if you do one day or two days, it doesn't work. It has to happen for an extended period of time. Then the internal nafs just breaks. Because you've beaten it up so badly — the nafs says, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. But when you've given it six to eight weeks of continuous fast, it realizes, even a kid realizes after crying that it's not getting anywhere. He's like, I've got to try some different tactic. This is not working. I'm not getting my way just by yelling and screaming. So the nafs also yells and screams. But when you don't cave in, eventually it says, okay, I'm moving on.

Intimacy Is from Allah — and So Is Its Reward

This hadith tells us how marriage is a big portion of protecting ourselves from falling into sin. Who created biological dependencies within us? Who created a biological interaction? Who created the desire for skin to touch skin? Of course Allah did. Nobody else did. Who created hormones within men and women? Allah did. That same Allah then also put the nafs and shaytan. That same Allah allowed that this is an opportunity of sin, and an opportunity of not sinning.

Nabi alayhi salatu wasalam shared with his companions that when any of you fulfills their own biological personal need with their lawfully wedded spouse, you get hasanah and reward for this. The Sahaba were surprised. How is it possible? I'm fulfilling my need, my desire, and you're telling me we're going to get ajr for this? The Prophet ﷺ responded: if he did not — or she did not — do so in a proper Islamic manner and decided to do it outside of the marriage, would they not get sin? He said, of course. That's it. You're being rewarded because you follow the rules.

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1006)

It's like the idea is there are rules to life in this world. Allah himself created these needs within us. Nobody else. And Allah says the test is — you simply go through the right entrance. This is a door and there's a window. Don't come through the window. The Qur'an says that. Enter the houses through the doors. Don't enter through the windows. Do things in the right manner. We don't have a problem — you need to get into someone's home. But brother, understand where to go.

So, oh men and oh women, there is a biological need. You shouldn't be shy about it. You shouldn't be surprised by it. You don't need to feel ashamed about it. This is part of how Allah created you and I. If you think about it, this is how all prophets lived. There is absolutely nothing — and I'm saying this for later, but it just came to mind — sometimes people say, I have an aversion to physical intimacy. Women sometimes say that. Understand that you cannot be more pure than a prophet. You cannot be more religious than a prophet. You cannot be more closer to Allah than any prophet. And every single prophet, alayhim salatu wasalam, all of them — Nabi ﷺ said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5063; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1401)

"Nikah is my way of life. And whoever turns away from my sunnah is not from amongst me."

What happens in marriage? Intimacy is a huge portion of it — both emotional and physical. So every time this thought comes that this is not for me, or this is looked down upon, or I don't feel comfortable with it, or it feels weird — remember the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ: النِّكَاحُ مِنْ سُنَّتِي — this is my way of life. And then he also mentioned فَمَنْ رَغِبَ عَنْ سُنَّتِي فَلَيْسَ مِنِّي.

The Sunnah of Marriage and Today's Crisis

You've heard this a million times. Performing salat al-Dhuhr with jama'ah is a huge sunnah — مُؤَكَّدَة — wajib or sunnah mu'akkadah. Praying the sunnah before and after it is also sunnah mu'akkadah. Miswak is sunnah — I won't say mu'akkadah, but something the Prophet ﷺ consistently did. But these words — "whoever turns away from my sunnah is not from amongst me" — I don't know if they appear anywhere else like this. The way they appear right after marriage. I feel like Rasulullah ﷺ was speaking to our generation. Who would have ever thought, during the time of the Sahaba, that a female or a male would come up and say, I don't want to get married?

It may have been a few instances — someone who is physically or emotionally unwell. But someone who is completely well, doing great in life, and then says, I have no desire to get married. I don't like it. Why? Because this requires a high commitment. I'm committed to working at a corporate job for 70 hours a week. Committed to my hospital. Committed to my law office. But committed to a spouse? That's too much. I like to just graze wherever I get a chance on whatever I want. That's your new generation right now. Women and men both are saying these types of things.

Men — I have young friends who come and say, subhanAllah, I don't want to get married. I'm 22. I say, listen, I'm a very frank guy. Which one is it? Either your testosterone levels are very low — go get a blood test, go check yourself out. Or number two, you're involved in haram. Which one is it? Tell me.

A father once came to me and said, can you try to convince my son to get married? He's 37, 38. I said, uncle, I'm serious — you need me to convince your son to get married? Like, who ever heard of something like that? This is a problem. Why, as a father, you haven't realized? You just focused on career, career, career. The guy has done every fellowship under the sun. Still not married. There's something very wrong that should have been addressed at the age of 22.

It could be a spiritual issue. It could be a hormonal issue. It could simply be that they are not willing to be committed and say, you know what, I'd rather just fulfill my desires elsewhere. As one uncle said — astaghfirullah, I'm just saying it because he believes in this type of stuff — he would say, when you can get free milk from somewhere, why have your own buffalo that you have to clean up after? And he literally said, for what do I need to get married? Commitment. People don't want to do that.

And then, women who use the word, I don't want to be objectified. I'm not a sex object. SubhanAllah — you think when you walk around absolutely open, everywhere, at random gatherings — like what happened last night, where police were called and stampedes happened, I've seen the videos — when a person with open hair, dressed up to kill, dolled up, goes among a hundred men, you're not being objectified there? But when you're just sitting there sharing a meal with your husband, you've been objectified? This is shaytan who puts these horrible thoughts in our sisters' minds.

I think about, subhanAllah, people — men and women — who work in corporate, who work as flight attendants, walking down the aisle of a flight every single day, multiple times, in first class and economy class, with all sorts of people staring at them as they walk back and forth. That's called freedom. But for a person to, subhanAllah, spend time with her husband is called a prison. Who tricked us into this? Who deceived us into this? That smiling at random men and saying, how was your day? And serving them, filled with cologne and everything else, and having them comment on your clothes and your body — that's freedom. But for a person to spend a quality dinner with her husband, that's being objectified? This is all shaytan that Nabi ﷺ was addressing.

Physical and Emotional Zina

Now listen — if you turn away from my nikah, from the institution of nikah, you've got nothing to do with me. And that's obvious today. Because when we are not involved in nikah, the opposite is very true. Zina is happening. What type of zina? Two types of zina: physical zina and emotional zina.

Some will say, no, I'm not married, but I'm not indulged in physical zina. MashaAllah, that's a unique case. But emotional zina is happening. Those who have genuine physical diseases and long-term critical illnesses — we're not talking about that group of people. We're talking about sane people who, for some reason, feel they don't need to get married. Those people find — many times — what they call "just a friend." A friend who hears them out. He says, she says, he can understand me better than anybody else. We don't touch. I would never do something like that. But look at your text messages. A thousand messages, some at 10 p.m. at night, some at 6 a.m. How is this not emotional zina? What are you doing speaking to a non-mahram person in the first place?

I have married couples who tell me — inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un — things like: my brother-in-law speaks 2% to his wife and 98% to his sister-in-law. And the wife's sister is also married. One brother said, subhanAllah, my own spouse loves to spend time speaking to my brother. Our conversations are dull. But she's up and about, so excited to meet my brother. This is just the tip of the iceberg. This is called emotional zina. You have your husband in front of you. You have your wife in front of you. You're leaving them and going to their sister or their brother. And of course, that emotional zina will eventually — unfortunately, possibly — lead to that which I have seen.

I've had boys who've come up to me, enraged. I want to kill somebody. Whoa, what's going on, brother? A real story — I want to kill my uncle. What happened? I found out he's raping my mother. My father's brother from overseas. My dad's at work, and this is what's happening. And she's so scared to speak up. Allahu Akbar. Real story. I'm not making it up. How many such stories — for every one that comes to me, there are another 25, 30, 40, 60, 80, 90 that don't come to me. It's happening all over.

That's why the Prophet ﷺ said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5232; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2172)

The Prophet ﷺ was speaking about hijab. Someone asked, Ya Rasulullah, what about my in-laws? Do I have to safeguard myself from them? And the Prophet ﷺ said: الْحَمْوُ الْمَوْتُ — your in-laws are death. Your husband's brother, your husband's nephew, your husband's relative — death for the wife. Because shaytan will do that. That's his magic. You have this lawfully wedded husband in front of you, who cares for you, works three shifts for you, does everything to take care of you. And you're not interested in him. You're interested in his brother or relative.

I have brothers who come and say, what do I do? I'm so much more attracted to my sister-in-law than my wife. Every time she comes, how do I explain to my wife? That when your sister comes into the house, I'm more attracted to her than you. And I'm always thinking about her. I'm spending intimate time with my wife while thinking about my sister-in-law. I'm spending intimate time with my husband while thinking about my brother-in-law. All of this is rampant. And Nabi ﷺ knew through wahi what was going to happen in the future. And so Allah informed him of how he has to teach the ummah. That when it comes to safeguarding your chastity, you don't mess around with this.

Shaytan's War Against Intimacy in Marriage

One of the brothers said — we were in bed together — and she was texting my best friend while we were in the same bed together. This is 2008. Where are we today? And then one day he catches her out of bed at 2, 3 a.m. taking pictures of clothes in the wardrobe. What are you doing? I'm sending them to XYZ — who happens to be his best friend — asking how he thinks which dress looks better. This is happening to people who are connected to the deen, both wife and husband, very much connected to the deen, in the masjid, in the Islamic space, having studied some 'ilm as well.

Shaytan does not look at what your degree is from a madrasa. He doesn't care if you're the president of the masjid, if you vacuum the masjid at night. He knows how to get all of us. There's nobody safe. That's why, don't ever get shocked. I stopped getting surprised 25 years ago about all this stuff. Oh, I can't believe she did this, I can't believe he did this. Anyone can do anything. Just make du'a that you don't do it. That's it. That's how it is.

I am very frank with my spouse as well. I say, you know what — don't ever think your husband can't fall into sin. Don't ever think that. I know how this world works and I know how shaytan works. The day you think you can't fall into sin is the beginning of your downfall. The day the wife thinks, my husband's cool, I don't need to worry about him — let him go out with a bunch of other couples — you're playing with fire. The day a person thinks, my wife, she's okay, she can be on Instagram — brother, this is where all of it starts.

A brother came to me crying. His marriage fell apart. Fully paid house, put in his wife's name. He used to go to another state for contracting work. One day he came back on a Friday, they have a baby — four or five years old — and the wife is waiting at the kitchen table. As-salamu alaykum, wa alaykum as-salam, thanks for coming — I just got to let you know I'm going. Going where? I'm leaving the marriage. He said, I found somebody else. He asked her what led to this. She said — this is around 2013, 14 — I play an online multiplayer game on the phone. And she met some non-Muslim who doesn't have a job, many years older. She got attracted to him through a multiplayer game. She left her amazing, fully paid home, high-salary husband, and a beautiful boy — and walked out. She didn't even take the son. It's possible. Everything is possible when you open the doors.

Similarly, I've dealt with the case of a hijabi lady — two, three kids — who said, I want a divorce. Why? Because I'm interested in another lady. Another girl. What? And I've dealt with cases of fathers whose sons are in Islamic school or memorizing Qur'an — all the good stuff — and I found out they want to go their separate ways. Interested in another guy. A boyfriend.

Where does it all start from, my friends? It starts from here. Everything starts from here. This is the Pandora's box for every single sin under the sun. How could you change your desire? Because of what you watch. What you watch changes you. What you watch, what you listen to, what you read changes your anatomy — in your brain, in your body. Your physiology, your whole chemistry changes. This is with the help of shaytan. Shaytan comes and says, you start with — no, that's what you are. You actually were never meant to be married to the opposite gender. That's why you never felt comfortable. We have people who are figuring this out after they have kids in sixth, seventh, eighth grade.

All these stories I'm telling you are multiple years old — some eight years old, some ten years old. So you know we are now much further advanced in sin and in the opportunity to sin. But the key thing is: anyone who thinks their spouse can be left alone with their phone. I don't need to check your phone, you don't need to check mine. You're playing with fire. We don't accuse your wife of anything. Don't accuse your husband of anything. Turn on your phone yourself. Here, take this. Let's put on a lock.

This is what I have done. I've shared this from the pulpit when we had two and a half thousand people in this masjid. Alhamdulillah, I locked up my phone about three or four years ago. I used my wife's phone, used Android Family Link, and locked it up. It's annoying at times. You're overseas, you need to download an app to go through immigration, you need to get a rental or whatever — I can't download it until I ask my "parent" for permission. Overseas she might be sleeping at 3 a.m. I've got to call her: can you type in the password? But I'm okay with that. Because I realize what's out there.

You should never think — as a husband or a wife — that you or your spouse is safe. It has to be mutual. If you start saying to your husband or wife, I need you to lock your phone — it's not going to work like that. It's going to cause mistrust. We have to be the first one to make the move. To say, you know what, I want to make sure that this phone is locked up and I don't misuse it. And hopefully it will be reciprocated — if not immediately, then after one month, after one year, whatever the case may be.

What Is Destroying Our Marriages

Pornography and extramarital affairs. Lack of physical and emotional intimacy. SubhanAllah. These are the top things that are destroying our marriages. And the weirder part — imagine a 35-year-old married guy with multiple kids who says, Sheikh, I need help. What's going on? You have something with your wife? No, man. How do I deal with my parents? Now I find out my 65-year-old dad has had a mistress for years. All in the name of fake business trips. Just parks the car somewhere and goes out. Comes back five days later.

Can you imagine looking at your own father or mother involved in things like that? Is this only with the father? Unfortunately, I wish I could say that. I had a case where they called me and said, we want to push our mother out of the house. Like, what? The siblings decided they wanted to push their mother out of their home because she's not following the rules. She has relationships and whatever else. Every scenario we're dealing with. Dads who are married, moms who are married, unmarried men, unmarried women, kids, people who have grandkids. We've had people — subhanAllah — after 50 years of marriage, when all the kids are out of the house, now at the age of 70 filing for divorce. Have you seen that? At the age of 70, really?

So, what's beautiful about everything I'm just saying — and you're going to say, what's beautiful? — is that it all makes sense from the light of sharia. Because the Prophet ﷺ in detail mentioned the signs of the Hour. And everything here falls exactly in line with how he prophesied things will happen at the end of times. That's why, if anyone has any doubt about hadith or about Islam — wallahi, just studying the signs of the Hour will make you a strong believer. Seriously. Even a non-Muslim, if he's open-minded, he will become a Muslim, insha'Allah, just by studying the signs of the Hour. Who would have ever guessed, in the 1800s, that the divorce rate would be what it is today — 56%? 58%? Higher? And the rate of people leading lives without marriage is larger than those who are getting married. Marriage is taking a steep downhill.

I went to one masjid where the imam is from India. He told me, I just came back from India. I in my life never imagined I'm going to see India like this — the percentage of people, Muslims and Hindus, who are cohabiting with their partner without marriage. He said, this is now the norm back home. This is India. So Nabi alayhi salatu wasalam mentioned zina will become common. Number two, he said يَكْثُرُ الطَّلَاقُ — divorce will become common.

Shaytan's Three-Step Strategy

All these signs of the Hour are interconnected and shaytan is using all his tools — and he's in overdrive right now. Highest gear. He knows the Day of Judgment is around the corner. So what is he trying to do? Before the trumpet is blown, get as many people into Jahannam as possible. Because once the trumpet is blown, game over. He's going to be in hellfire and will not be able to get anyone else with him. Misery loves company. He wants to take people with him.

Shaytan has now created a million avenues for free physical intimacy. Free fornication. Swipe right, swipe left — free. That wasn't possible before. When we were growing up, how was that possible? It was not possible. And then he's created endless options. When a person sees endless options, naturally, even if he's married, he's not going to be attracted to his or her spouse. Because they're looking at this long list of people based on just physical appearance. Besides that, you know nothing. You know nothing about how they really are. Alright? A person is looking at that and judging whether their own spouse is capable or not.

The Qur'an says:

Shaytan is the one who beautifies their actions and their sin. That's what he does. He makes zina very beautiful. He makes someone you're not married to look beautiful. And so people come and tell me — subhanAllah, I'm lawfully married, alhamdulillah, I have a wife or a husband — but I'm interested in someone else. Why? Because she listens to me better. She hears me out. And Allahu Akbar — I said, yes. Get married, and then let me see you in two weeks to check if she's still hearing you out. It's a bunch of baloney. That's what shaytan does — he makes them extra nice. They're on their extra nice mode when they're not married.

One brother said, what's the point of marriage? When I had haram relationships in college, the girlfriends would come, they'd wash the dishes, fold my clothes, be so nice. And now my wife doesn't do any of that. Think about how shaytan is doing this. Our enemy — if we all walk away today understanding that we are in a huge war. I know there's a war happening in the Middle East — a massive one, a genocide, call it whatever — but we have a war happening in our own homes. Whether you are 15 years old, or of marriageable age, or already married, there is a continuous battle happening — with our nafs, and beyond that, with massive, powerful demonic forces whose missiles don't end, whose bombs don't end, whose artillery doesn't end. They will use the internet, cyber warfare, AI tools — every single tool that man has made — and they will hijack it and use it against us in order for us to fall into sin.

In a nutshell, shaytan is working extra hard to:

One: Create zina prior to marriage — when you're young, 13, 14, 15 years old. A book published in 2006 stated the average age of losing virginity in America was 13. That's an old stat. Where are we today?

Two: Delay marriage — for a 22 or 23-year-old, all the way until he or she can't get married, and continues to fall into zina.

Three: Once they even get married, create obstacles in intimacy — so that the marriage does not provide what is needed to protect them from haram, and they still go out to haram.

Clear? This is how shaytan is working.

How Shaytan Creates Obstacles in Getting Married

Every time you want to go visit someone — see a girl or a boy, whatever the case may be — the boy or girl looks great, everything's fine. But then someone in the family says something stupid. The dad says something crazy. And your dad's like, what? You think we are so useless we can be scolded like this? Bam. Canceled. Or the sister who's already married says some smart-alec comment and your mom gets hurt. Done. Or the meetings just don't happen — this appointment, that appointment, the flight got cancelled, the car broke down, you just can't meet. Every time you're trying, something happens.

Or the bride-to-be or the groom-to-be is always finding some crazy flaw. The craziest things — from hairstyle to eyes, to how they held a cup of chai. One person said, subhanAllah, I didn't like the way they drank their soda. The way they gulped it down — I can't handle that. Like, that's shaytan playing with you. You need to get married, you're 28 — what are you talking about? This nitpicking comes from shaytan making things look ugly. And on the other hand, on Tinder and the like, everything is perfect. Who does that? زَيَّنَ لَهُمُ الشَّيْطَانُ أَعْمَالَهُمْ — shaytan beautifies their actions.

Shaytan in the Most Intimate Moments

Imam al-Bukhari mentions in al-Adab al-Mufrad a killer hadith — seriously, if you can understand this hadith, I think the majority of our problems at home can get solved. The Prophet ﷺ mentions that at times a husband dresses himself up for his wife, a wife dresses herself up for her husband — they're supposed to be enjoying a nice evening together. And then all of a sudden, one narration says the wife says something absolutely crazy, out of left field, that has nothing to do with today, this week, last week, nothing to do with whatever — and it's so hurtful, so painful, so accusatory, so inflammatory, that the husband says: done, game over, salamu alaykum. And similarly, the Prophet ﷺ addresses the husband: there will be times when you are ready to do something beautiful together — it could be emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, a vacation, a date night, a walk in the park — and all of a sudden the husband does something wrong, or says something inappropriate. He mentions the parents. How is she going to be in her sane mode after that?

Nabi alayhi salam addresses both — one hadith to the wife, one to the husband — and says: stay calm, relax, take a deep breath, do not be reactionary. Because your spouse is a victim — of whom? Of shaytan. The Prophet ﷺ said there is a shaytan above him or her that is throwing stones, pebbles — you can't see it, she can't see it — but it's the effect of those pebbles falling on his or her head that are making them say or do these crazy things. And the simple purpose is to destroy this intimate moment. That's all they want.

If only we can understand that a battle is taking place in our bedrooms every day, in our kitchen every day, in our cars every day. A battle we don't see.

Allah says: shaytan and his cronies can see you, but you all cannot see them. They're in our homes, packed all over the place. And especially if you enter your home without saying Bismillah — if you don't read Bismillah when you leave and when you return — if a person doesn't read the du'a at the time of physical intimacy, then most definitely shaytan is with you.

"O Allah, keep shaytan away from us and keep shaytan away from whatever child You provide for us."

Why is there a du'a mentioned at the time of physical intimacy? Because at that time, when you think nobody is with you — the hadith is teaching us — most definitely shaytan is with you at that most intimate time. In this most, most private moment of your life, shaytan is there unless you read this du'a. Allahu Akbar. Unless you read this du'a. So when we neglect the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ — from the first night to the thousandth night — we're going to have shayateen roaming around our home.

If there's no adhan, no salah, no dhikr, no du'a, no sunnah in our home — you don't need someone to sit there and blow on you. You don't need someone to tie knots and do sihr on you. You don't. Who is doing the sihr today? The shayateen are doing the sihr. The battle is not against people. Of course there is hasad — people have hasad, yes. And going to a magician — it doesn't not happen, it does happen. Most definitely. I know overseas, in the streets of Lahore and Karachi, in the streets of Hyderabad, in the streets of Nairobi, it's packed. It's a whole underground market. But that's not necessarily the greatest thing affecting us. What's affecting us from humans is hasad. Hasad and ayn — the evil eye.

Hasad and ayn are fuel for the shayateen. The shayateen are the ones that cause the harm. But what's the fuel? They live off that fire of jealousy that burns in a person's heart. They use that as fuel and attack a person. Similarly, al-ayn — the evil eye — the shayateen ride on those waves that are coming from the eyes and cause that harm. But what is really affecting us? The sihr of the shayateen — who are there in the most intimate moments to either not allow intimacy to happen, or, subhanAllah, if it happens, horrible things happen afterwards. Because the child is affected by the touch of shaytan.

Why is my child acting so weird? Why is he saying deranged things? I've dealt with kids — 4, 5 years old — who are openly saying: I hate Qur'an, I hate Islam. And there are times they're completely fine, and there are times they're completely not fine. I've seen this with my own eyes. I said, videotape it and send it to me. And I met the kid too. He literally, when he's in that mode — it's like he's possessed. Just saying: I'm gonna kill my mom, I'm gonna kill my dad, I'm gonna kill my sibling. He said this in school. The school called. What's going on? A 4-year-old says he wants to kill his sibling. A lot of the time, subhanAllah, there is the touch of shaytan afterward. But sometimes the du'as were not read at the right times.

The Obligation of Intimacy and the Greatest Amanah

Solutions. The biggest solution to this problem is to understand that we have a problem. That's number one. If you know you have a problem, you'll be able to solve it. But if you're in denial, or don't even think a problem exists — if you say, no, my wife is just evil, my husband is just evil — then you can't solve it.

They have the capacity — and Allah gave them the capacity — to make another spouse smell at the time of intimacy. The t-shirt smells, the clothes smell, the body smells. You came right out of the shower, put on cologne — subhanAllah, smelly. Where's the smell coming from? Shaytan is doing that. This is the reason why, all of a sudden, every single time — working 6, 8, 9 hours outside, no problem. Working, taking the kids to school, no problem. But how long since the last intimacy? Three years, four years. Why? Every time: back pain, headache, knee pain. Let's go to the doctor. No, I don't need to — because alhamdulillah, I'm able to go to school, able to do my day job. How is it possible that every time, only in intimacy, emotional stress happens, physical stress happens, back is aching, head is aching — and every time you're working hours outside, nothing happens?

Dear husbands and wives — realize that the day you divorce from one another emotionally or physically, the day you stop being intimate with one another, is the day shaytan has become victorious. I am such a strong promoter of this idea: one of the most important things, before you work on your kids, is to work on your relationship with your spouse. What children need is to see a loving husband and a loving mom and dad. What that does to them is amazing.

Recently, one of the babysitters told me she was shocked at what six and seven-year-olds were talking about — what happens in their homes — during Taraweeh. She said, I feel so bad. They're opening up to me. I don't even know them. And they're talking about all the stress that goes on at home. So you can pay $800 for Islamic school and $1,500 for your babysitter, and buy them the most expensive jackets and shoes. But if you're sparring and fighting with your spouse, you're destroying your kids.

In order to have this amazing relationship with your spouse, emotional intimacy and physical intimacy is fard. It has to happen. If it's not, solve it. Figure it out. Get help. You're all going to be shocked by how many people tell me: four years no intimacy, seven years no intimacy, three years no intimacy. I've been hearing these stories since I came back in 2005. And now it's just getting crazier and crazier.

So the most pious men — what are they doing? They fast every day after marriage. And the one degree less than that, they fulfill their needs through watching haram. And the ones below that are clubbing. Simple as that. But married. SubhanAllah. So he's doing this, she's doing that. And how can a wife or a husband see their partner falling into haram — do you not think you're going to be held accountable by Allah Azza wa Jal?

A caterer — you can get food from outside. You can get your house cleaned from outside. You can get your landscaping done from outside. You can get your dishes washed by somebody else. You can get your kids dropped off at school by somebody else. But when it comes to physical and emotional intimacy — especially physical intimacy — there is not a single person on the entire earth that can do that besides your spouse.

If you're failing in this, dear sister, dear brother — I don't care how much Taraweeh you read, I don't care how much Tahajjud you read, I don't care how much sadaqah or donation you gave. If you're failing in taking care of your spouse, you're going to be held responsible for that. And I say this: when your husband or wife falls into sin because you're not taking care of them, who's responsible for that? You are responsible. They're crying for help — emotional help, physical need. And you say, no, I don't feel like it.

Same thing if your wife or husband says, I'm really down today, I really need someone to talk to. And you say, you're always making a big deal out of everything. He's breaking down. He's crying. Or she's crying. This is the time for you to put your arm around her or around him, and talk and listen and give them the support they need. But instead you say, no, I have a bunch of office work. That's zulm right there. Or: I have to prepare for my Arabic 101 class. I'm teaching the fiqh of haydh to women. I'm doing tafsir of Surah al-Hujurat. I have a halaqa at someone's house tonight. Hence, I'm not able to take care of that.

All of this — time will tell if any of this stuff works. Based on the sharia that I know, none of this is going to work if you are oppressing your spouse. And oppression means withholding emotional and physical intimacy. Whose right is this? Forget your spouse. It's Allah. If you remember my first session here two weeks ago — I said the husband-wife relationship, Allah keeps using the word حُدُودُ اللَّهِ — these are the boundaries set by Allah.

I ask all the women and men listening here and online — go to a book called Living as a Muslim, which is the translation of Hayatul Muslimeen by Mawlana Shafali Tanvi rahimahullah. I teach this book to students in the Tanweer program. In 90 or 100 pages, you have the khulasah of your entire deen. Just read the section on the rights of the wife. And wives, read the section on the rights of the husband. Don't read what's due to you — read what's due upon you. Everyone needs to start reading what's due upon them. Our lives will change.

When a wife realizes that if I don't take care of my husband, I am going to be in so much trouble with Allah — all the duroos I attend, forget the duroos I give, it's not going to count. Me sitting here lecturing you — if I've just abused or oppressed my wife, it's not going to count. What is the point of this speech if I don't have a good relationship with my own spouse? If I'm not taking care of her? The same thing for you, sisters. And the same thing with husbands. If you're doing whatever community work you're doing, but not taking care of the biggest amanah — we're in very serious trouble.

This is not about anybody besides your own akhira. Think about it. As much as you have a knee-jerk reaction — I'm sick of him, I'm sick of her — think about this: I'm going into the grave very soon. Whether it's 30 years or 50 years. And I'm going to have to face Munkar and Nakir. And I'm going to have to face Allah on the Day of Judgment. And I will be asked how you treated your spouse. Not how your spouse treated you — that's number two. What did you do?

We're so nice to our neighbor's wife, to our neighbor's husband, to every other person. And subhanAllah, we make iftari and distribute it to 20 people in the neighborhood. But subhanAllah, not taking care of what's happening at home. The husband says, the wife says, subhanAllah, feeding the whole community — can you make something? He said, are your hands broken? You can make your own meal. And then that same person is making cookies, crackers, pasta, and serving everybody else. But inside the home — fire.

Similarly, giving talks in the masjid, vacuuming the masjid, setting up the audio-visual, doing the parking outside — alhamdulillah. But at home, no physical, no emotional support for the spouse. That's what we all need to work on.

Practical Solutions

You have 12 days left of Ramadan. Let's work on this. Start making du'a:

Ya Allah, allow my physical and emotional intimacy to be amazingly strong in my home. And every single time — emotionally or physically — at that time, make du'a: I beg You, ya Allah, protect me from all haram, emotional zina and physical zina in my life. Ya Allah, I thank You for granting me this beautiful partner that I am able to fulfill these needs with. But ya Allah, I'm worried about the future. Ya Allah, I'm worried about the future of my kids. Ya Allah, protect them as well. Allow them to find righteous, amazing spouses who take care of them and whom they take care of.

InshAllah, if we keep this in mind and are constantly thinking about how we can push back against shaytan and the nafs in our marriages, then, mashaAllah, tabarak wa ta'ala, we will have a very beautiful marriage.

Qur'anic Ruqya

When it comes to obstacles in marriage, most definitely use ruqya. Qur'anic ruqya is very powerful for everything I've just said. Because the battle is not against society as much as it is against shaytan. And shaytan — you cannot fight with a sword against shaytan. You cannot fight with a flamethrower against shaytan. You have to fight with Qur'an and sunnah.

A practical quick fix — this is tajribah, from the experiences of ulama: if a person has immense lust, place your hand on your heart and read Salat al-Nabi ﷺ an odd number of times — 7 times, 9 times, 11 times. And then read the ayah of the Qur'an from Surah al-Anbiya:

"We said, O fire, become cool and peaceful upon Ibrahim." Put your hand on your heart and read this with conviction that the fire of lust is becoming cooler and cooler and smaller and smaller — until you actually feel it. And then top it off with Salat al-Nabi ﷺ. So those who are not married, or those who are away from their spouses — this is something, alhamdulillah, we can do immediately.

Number two: if marriage is just not happening, engage in Qur'anic ruqya. Listen to Qur'anic ruqya, read Manzil, read Surah al-Baqarah in your home. And contact me — I can connect you with someone who does ruqya. When it comes to Qur'anic ruqya, unfortunately there are very, very few people in the whole country that I trust. There's no system of making sure someone is legitimate. We don't have a licensing board. So there are a lot of people who are fraudulent, moneymakers only, and a lot who are sincere but not at the level to be able to combat what they need to combat. So with that also, if you need to reach out, alhamdulillah, I'll put you in touch with a couple of people.

And then number three: when you are married and you're seeing things are falling apart — before you go to the lawyer, before you go to the police, before you go anywhere else — husband and wife together, please. And of course, get counseling, get therapy. But many times, before you do counseling, you've got to do ruqya. Because counseling helps people who are sane, who are emotionally and psychologically intact. If shaytan has taken over your brain, then no amount of counseling is going to help. Cases where people say, should we go for counseling? I say, that can't help. What you just said means — subhanAllah — shaytan is sitting in your brain. Until you don't get shaytan out of your brain, no counselor is going to be able to help you.

Closing

I hope this helps, insha'Allah, tabarak wa ta'ala. A few things were shared — I ask Allah Azza wa Jal to safeguard our marriages. May Allah, if I said anything beneficial, allow it to become a means of helping millions of people across the globe. Any mistakes that were made, may Allah forgive us for that and protect us from the shirk of that.

Please, sisters and brothers — go to slido.com and share your questions. Your identity is anonymous. No one will know you. You can be detailed about what's happening without giving away your identity. And insha'Allah, it gives me a week to prepare — if it's a really complicated issue, I can come prepared for it. Share this with your family abroad as well. It's already on the Islamic Foundation Masjid YouTube, live. And the Slido link is there.

One brother told me yesterday — he was crying, very emotional. He said, I have a hundred people in multiple countries of Africa who listened to the live streaming. They stay awake — they're eight hours ahead — just to listen to the post-Asr talk. So there are people benefiting overseas. This is real talk. It's as real as it's going to get. I'm not mincing my words. Do you think this is not happening in India, Pakistan, Morocco, and Africa? It's happening the same thing. How often are they able to be this open? That's the issue. They're not. So this is the benefit of this talk.

My request is to share this with others and ask people to ask questions. When anyone comes to you with their problems, say — listen, ask a question. I'm not an expert on this. Let's figure out what the spiritual solution is, what the Islamic solution is to this, before we take things out of hand.

InshaAllah, next Sunday will be our last session. JazakAllah khairan. May Allah make these last ten nights extremely powerful and blessed for us, for our spouses, and for our children. As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.