Family Fighting and Trauma | Mufti Azeemuddin

The Home is the Battlefield

Hamdi and I did a session on marriage last night too, between 1 and 3:30 a.m. as part of our Candlelight Conversation series. And I have never received this many questions. I think we had — the chat maxed out. We had to archive everything and start it again. And I wouldn't be surprised to say we had around maybe 250 questions. And it was from all the young brothers and sisters, or some married, many of them are married as well.

But most definitely, marriage is just something that is such an important topic. It's relevant to all of us. Either we are married, or our parents are married. Obviously our siblings are married. Someone's married, someone's going through trouble, or someone doesn't want to get married — which is also a problem. The point being is this is a topic that needs to be addressed on a regular basis for all of us.

And alhamdulillah, if the home environment is good and if the marriage is good, then inshallah you will see the effects of that everywhere outside. And if the home environment is not healthy and happy, you'll see the effects of that everywhere as well. So this is why the full body workout — full body health, whatever you want to call it — is so intrinsically connected with what's happening in the home.

And Batil has done such a powerful job. They didn't just attack a country. They didn't just create artificial borders within the Muslim lands. They didn't just break down the Khilafah. What they have done is they have broken down every single home. Every single home, from the basis, from each unit, is broken. What is a Khilafah going to do? What is a country going to do if all your citizens are broken? By creating divisions within mom and dad, between husband and wife, between parents and children — Batil from مِنَ الْجِنِّ وَالنَّاسِ, both — from the humans and from jinn, they have successfully, for most cases, made people incapable of doing anything that they need to do, or incapable of doing what they know they should do, by making them so worried and frustrated and upset, depressed with things at home.

So when you have a war going on at home, you don't have time to vote. When you have a war going on at home, you don't have time to donate towards a cause overseas. When you have a war going on at home, you don't have time to do anything — because you are so perplexed and overwhelmed by the fighting and the arguing with people in the house that the ummah's problems seem completely distant and far away for you. Isn't this the case?

That a person, he's like, "Brother, I don't have time to listen to this. A hundred thousand people died in an earthquake. This many people — I know I should feel bad, I should feel empathetic, but I can't — because my son ran away from the home. My daughter just went with some guy and we haven't heard from her in two days. My wife is mistreating me like this. My husband is mistreating me like this."

When you have things like this going on at home, I want you to realize — this is intentional. As the house goes on fire, you are not capable — even though you are very wealthy, or very religious, or very eloquent, or very concerned about the affairs of the ummah, you are an organizer, you are a community leader — you can't do any of those things because of this massive issue at home.

That is why this has to be our number one priority: that I need to take care of my home. And I have to make sure — whatever days are left of this week — I am going to beg Allah to rectify my affairs and change me.

The Story of the Brother in Prison

Yesterday I was in one program where a brother was with me and he shared his story. And I want to quickly share with you the power of du'a. He mentioned that he got accused of a crime that he didn't do. He got arrested, went to court, and it happened to be in Ramadan. So he performed all his salah. He said he acknowledged the fact that he was not the best of young men — bad company, disrespect to mom and dad, all things of that sort. But the crime that he was being accused of, he said, "I didn't do."

So he said, "I prayed, made lots and lots of du'a, odd nights, everything." The case did not go the way he wanted. The charges were not dropped and he was handed down a lifetime sentence. SubhanAllah.

I know this is a question — if I were to broach this topic, we'd have a hundred questions right now. "Does Allah still love me? I made du'a for the past two years. I made du'a at the beginning of Ramadan and still haven't gotten this. I'm getting depressed." Three days ago, a brother told me, "Give me advice. I need to speak to someone — I'm having doubts in my faith." I said, "What's the issue?" Well, he's been making du'a and things haven't changed in the past few years. So he thinks God doesn't exist. This happened to me the day before yesterday.

So there are so many people like this — when their du'a doesn't get accepted, they say, "I'm done." This brother gets handed down a full lifetime sentence while he's making du'a in Ramadan on the odd nights. But he said — what an amazing perspective. Look, brothers and sisters, you can't change the world. But you can change your perspective.

He said, "I have been such a bad son to my mom and dad. I guess this is my punishment. Yes, I didn't do this crime. But Allah is teaching me a lesson that I hurt my parents. And let me just take it for that." He said you could send him to prison for 10 years. I mean, after the talk, I didn't realize it was 10 years. After the talk he said, "Yeah, I spent 10 years incarcerated." Wow.

And he said, in Ramadan of 2023 — which was after his ninth or tenth year — he said, "I'm in a small cell. The cell is so small that if I extend my hands out, it touches the walls. The bed is so narrow that if one arm of mine touches the wall, the other arm is hanging, dangling over the bed." That's how small the bed was. And he said the light is coming through the cell gate, and you can see the light reflecting inside the cell.

He said, "I'm looking at this and it just dawned on me — this is my Ghar Hira, this is my cave." It's been nine, ten years. "I don't think I'm getting out. Lifetime sentence, already did ten years. It's not working. So let me stop focusing on the dunya. I have made myself agreeable to Allah's taqdeer and destiny. I'm meant to spend the entire life in prison. It's okay. Now let's make sure that the future life is not like this." So he said, "I dedicated that Ramadan to making du'a only for the akhira. Only for the akhira."

And he said, "Ya Allah, I think this is not working out. Let me just focus on the akhira. Please forgive me." And he said that in that Ramadan, in that prison cell, the sweetness of iman — he said it was almost uncontrollable, almost unbearable. He said he started beginning to think: when you hear about the people of Jannah, how will they have this extreme form of ecstasy and happiness of being close to Allah? Not just the blessings of Jannah — the wildan and the hur and the food — but:

The pleasure of Allah is the greatest thing. The sweetness of iman that you hear the awliya have — he said, "I started getting a taste of that." It's overwhelmingly powerful, such that no lustful desire of this dunya being fulfilled can give you a state of ecstasy the way you receive when you fall in love with Allah and Allah allows you to feel His love. And he said that's how he spent that month. Unparalleled.

He said one month after Ramadan, he got a phone call from his relatives that his case had been overturned, the sentence had been removed, and he was good to go free. And he said, "SubhanAllah — I knew that the chance of this, in a messed up legal system, the percentage of people whose verdicts get overturned and they're let go free, is a very, very minuscule amount." And for that to happen, he said, "I knew that Allah has decided for me something great, and that my freedom — just like my imprisonment — was a test. My freedom also has to be a test. In this freedom, Allah wants to see what will I do when I'm out. Am I going to waste my time just enjoying life, or am I going to do something great?"

And alhamdulillah, he's dedicated his work to Muslim life in prison, trying to help the 300,000 plus or minus incarcerated Muslims be able to practice their deen. Speaking to Muslim convicts — SubhanAllah — the vast majority of them are reverts.

And I mentioned it to him too. I said, "My interaction with Muslim convicts or ex-convicts or prisoners is limited. But what comes to my mind — why there is such a huge rate of Muslims in prison — it's not because Muslims are being arrested left and right for some crimes. It's more so that they're accepting Islam in prison." The reason they're able to do that is because they have solitude. And when you don't have your phone with you, you don't have your distractions, and you start focusing, you start meditating, you start building your relationship with the Creator — Allah guides you.

And if we were to bring that same level of focus and solitude in our lives outside of prison, we'd all change too. The reason we are where we are today is because we have allowed ourselves to continuously be distracted by everything — by family, by social media, by our phones, by work. And even in the month of Ramadan, so many people say, "We don't feel it. I just feel so guilty. It's three or four days left. I haven't cried once. I haven't said one proper 30 or 40-minute du'a. I can't say I've even prayed four rakats of taraweeh salah super focused on what the Quran is saying. I'm just not feeling it."

And the reason we are not feeling it:

Allah has not given us two hearts. When our minds are focused in so many different directions, it's so hard for us to attain anything.

Family Discord is Intentional

So when we see the discord in our family, I want us to realize that this is all intentional. The idea is to keep you fighting at home. Why do these countries that were together once — now you have an arbitrary line created between them across the globe — why is their biggest budget a so-called "defense budget" against the brother next door? The guy looks like you, talks like you, acts like you. He's got the same skin color. He eats the same food. And you're spending 50–60% of your budget trying to fight him. You're the same. In many instances, literally family — one brother on this side, one brother on the other side. The point is to make you sit there and fight with one another so you don't look at the big picture. And it's not like one or two have fallen into it — billions, unfortunately, have fallen into this issue.

Same thing with the family drama — we have to put our foot down and say, "That's it." Ya Allah, ana min yatoobu ilaik — I make tawbah from family drama. You cannot make tawbah and end everyone else's family drama. But what you can do is say, "I will not become a means of any family drama. I will not become a catalyst for family drama. I will not add mirch masala and spices to the family drama. I'm not going to add fuel to the fire of the family drama."

The Power and Danger of the Tongue

And how do you go about doing that? For one thing, it's controlling our tongue. If we control our tongue — al-bala'u muwakkalun bil-mantiq — all problems and difficulties are connected with speech.

If you believe in Allah and in the Day of Judgment, say something good — or zip it up.

What is going to be the main reason why people will be dragged headlong into hellfire?

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 2616; declared Hasan Sahih)

The effects of their tongues. My dear mother, my dear sister, my dear brother, my dear father, husband — we do not understand the potency and the extremely powerful influence that the tongue has.

One word of solace and comfort — have you not gone to see someone who is depressed and sad? His son passed away, or he is going through a divorce, or his mother is very ill. And you go, you sit with him, you meet him in the masjid or at home. Three minutes, two minutes — you share a few words with him. And he was crying, sobbing — and now SubhanAllah he stops. He was looking down, now he looks up. He had a stone face, now he's able to crack a smile. What happened? That is the power of powerful, good words. That's why the Prophet ﷺ even called it a sadaqa. If you can't do anything, then most definitely do not look down upon the power of a good, kind word.

I was saying the other day when there was an organization fundraising: "Please stop by all of you at the booth and participate at any level. Give sadaqa — it's an odd night. Give $1, $100, anything. Bismillah. And if you can't do that, then at the very least go greet them. Thank them for the work they're doing. Say a few kind words." And that is also a sadaqa. And that is actually very powerful. When people hear kind words, it gives them encouragement to do much more.

So just as good, kind words have a powerful effect, the opposite is also very true. One statement said at the wrong time in the wrong place can completely destroy the whole environment. This is exactly what happens when we deal with marital issues or issues between husband and mom and dad. It's always, most of the time, "She said this" and "He said this." There are cases where he threw this at her, she threw it at him — but before you get to throwing things, where does it start from? All the time, it starts off with one statement. And that just blows the fuse. That's it.

So we have to master the art of biting down on our tongue — no matter how much we want to speak up. And say, for the sake of Allah, "I am going to seal it." And this is what Abu Bakr radiyallahu 'anhu did — the one whose ziyarah in Madinah is not complete without saying salam to the Prophet ﷺ and saying salam to Abu Bakr as-Siddiq radiyallahu 'anhu, and of course Umar radiyallahu 'anhu. He would put a pebble in his mouth — to make sure that if he wanted to speak, it should only be when it is absolutely necessary, and he would have to remove the pebble, inconveniencing himself to open up and speak. Hence he was not going to keep on doing it. He would only speak when it was necessary and he would definitely think before he spoke.

This is an example of putting a lock on your phone — say your text message or WhatsApp has a long password for something — creating a barrier, making it not super easy to just go message people. You have to make it have a limit. Remember the days when you had to pay for text messages? I remember I was in South Africa and Pakistan studying in the 90s. I used to think so much — how can I save money? You're a madrasa student, you don't have much, your dad gives you money for the whole year. I didn't want to keep wasting it on phone cards. There was no assalamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh — who's got time for that? Straight to the point. Or the collect call would come: "Mama, come pick me up" — hang up. So when a person begins to think that he's going to get charged for every single word he says, he has to think ten times before he speaks. Alhamdulillah. This will get rid of 50% of our problems.

This is my ask today. You want to end family drama? End the free-range and free usage of your tongue. Clamp down on it. And the one who has taqwa — who has the fear of Allah, who has the realization that he is going to be facing Allah on the Day of Judgment — he'll be able to do it. If we can't do that in the last week of Ramadan, after fasting for 25 or 26 days and doing so much qiyam, honestly, what other time of the year are we planning to do this?

So we have to say, "No, that's it." Inshallah, I make a firm resolve that I will be controlling my tongue to the best of my ability. And when I slip and fall and misuse it, I'm going to punish myself. I don't need someone else to come and say, "You spoke out of line." I don't need to be told, "That was very hurtful." I myself, inshallah, will realize it and will do something that hurts my nafs. Give $100 in sadaqah. Make sure I perform ten rakats of nafl salah. Or go do something unbelievably nice — something you don't like to do — for that person you just said that to. For your son, your daughter, your parent.

This, my beloved brothers and sisters, is going to be a powerful way to stop adding fuel to the fire. Once you stop adding fuel to the fire — what's going to happen? Now you've got to deal with the fire. You can deal with it. But if you keep adding fuel, you can't deal with it. That's the way. When you do these counseling sessions, it sometimes doesn't go anywhere because during the counseling session they go at each other. Right there, in front of a third person, you are going at each other's throats. Imagine what you do at home. That's why someone has to say, "That's it. I'm going to take the higher road in this relationship. And I am going to be that person, inshallah." I know you're going to say it's so hard. Do it for yourself. Do it for your akhira. And you will see Allah will make things change.

The Greatest Eid Gift — For Your Children

My beloved friends, that's one Eid gift I would like all of us to give to our children. The Eid gift to your kids — if we have children — the best Eid gift is not a trip overseas, not a trip to Florida, not a trip to some island, not anything else. What our children, especially our young ones, want to see — the biggest gift for them — is a loving mom and dad. Not just loving towards them — that's a separate thing — but loving amongst themselves. A husband and wife that get along. That is the greatest gift you can give to any child.

And Allah knows what trauma a child goes through when he sees his parents not on the same page. No amount of hugs and kisses, no amount of "Your dad said this — guess what, I'm gonna take you out, we're gonna go have fun at the mall" or "Mom said that — guess what, I'm gonna take you to Orlando, we're gonna have fun over there." Honestly, you can try all you want. He'll smile, he'll laugh. But inside, there's nothing more he wants, nothing more she wants, than for you to stop fighting with your spouse. And that's what they quietly saw that night. After you give him a hug and kiss and tuck him in, once you leave, the tears start on the pillow. The pillow is wet.

I swear by Allah, this is how it is. SubhanAllah. And they don't have counselors, they don't have therapists. Didn't I say this last week? During babysitting, one babysitter told me — during taraweeh — that the six and seven-year-olds are telling her things that she is just horrified by. All the trauma they're seeing at home. They're going through it — it's a lived trauma, it's developing. At the age of six. And at 17, when you wonder why they're so obnoxious, so angry, wanting to run away or have run away — it started at age five. At 27, when you want to see why their marriage is falling apart, or why they don't want to get married, or why they're committing the most horrible types of sins even though you gave them the best tarbiyah — it started at the age of five, twenty years ago.

So when you see young children being sent to the most beautiful, most expensive, most well-suited Islamic schools, Montessori schools — they've got all sorts of one-on-one tutors, basketball coaches, math tutors, swimming coaches, everything else. Two, three, four, five thousand dollars just on fees. But we have fighting taking place at home. You are truly destroying that child's future. The damage he's going through. He's not in Gaza, he's not in Sudan — but that's what you're doing to him. You're acting like you're in a war zone when you don't need to do that. You're living in Oak Brook. You're living in a beautiful home. Why are you making your son and daughter grow up as though they are, SubhanAllah, a refugee living in a tent? That's how damaged they are becoming.

I've had eleven, twelve, thirteen-year-old boys come — and I never would have expected it — just break down in front of me, crying. And I'm like, "What's going on?" And they say, "I became a Hafiz. I don't want to do all this stuff. What's the point of being a Hafiz? What's the point of doing all this, when I had to witness how much my mom and dad argued and fought with each other?" And this is such an innocent kid, crying in front of me, his body shaking. He's like, "No child ever should have to witness this. No child should ever have to go through this." Yeah, they live in a million-dollar home — so what? He doesn't care. He's like, "I could live in an apartment. I don't need all this stuff. But what I don't want is to see you all going at each other's throats."

So all those mothers and fathers who are thinking of the best Eid gift for their kids — nothing is more powerful than this. And your son or daughter may smile at you and give you a hug for Eid, but deep down they are extremely hurt. Even though you might be oppressed in the relationship, according to you, or you might be the one who's having to deal with a lot — whatever it is, do it for the sake of Allah, do it for the sake of the emotional, mental, and spiritual health of your kids.

It's just fire upon fire in all of our homes. Every major issue I deal with with any youngster, every one of these kids were to come and talk to me about their problems — I could say 9.5 out of 10 times, let's trace it back to a toxic environment at home. It's not the issue of the kids. It's the issue of the mom and dad. Any problem you bring to me, 9.5 times out of 10 it's going to be linked to a toxic environment at home.

I obviously know parents love their children. They say, "I love my kids more than you do." Okay. But in the process of that, you don't realize how much harm you're putting your children through because of this drama. So for Allah's sake — you're fighting with your husband over your kids, you're fighting with your wife over your children's tarbiyah — no one is doing more harm to your kids than you. Right now. By screaming, by throwing things, by attacking, by disrespecting your spouse in front of your kids. You want to fight it out? Wait till the kids go to school. Make their lunch together. Walk them out to the school bus together. Give them hugs and kisses together. Fake holding each other's hands as you send off your children to school. Uske baad jo karna hai karo. After that, do whatever you need to do. But in front of the children — my friends, keep a united face.

And this is exactly what Shaitan is feeding these kids. I'm telling you, I'm dealing with this. Young nine, ten, thirteen-year-olds say, "I don't want to be Muslim anymore. Kya fayda? My mom and dad both go for taraweeh. My mother wears jilbab and scarf. My dad grows a beard, he donates, he does all of that. But what's the point? After all this practicing of the deen, it's still like this. I don't want to be a Muslim if this is what Islam is."

The 15-Year-Old Who Left Islam

I remember a fifteen-year-old who was enrolled in a program that I was teaching. Three days later, he decided to de-enroll and leave. He was coming from about fifteen minutes away. He didn't have a license, so his sibling would bring him. He would sit right in front, his notebook open, and everything I would say — not only would he write it, but anything in Arabic he would say, "Can you give me the transliteration or write it on the board so I can write it?" So much desire and eagerness to learn.

When I heard he was de-enrolling, I reached out to him as he was leaving. I intercepted him. "How are you, how's everything?" — I didn't say, "Are you leaving?" I said, "How's everything, what's going on?" He said, "Actually, not so much. Things are not going so well." I said, "Everything okay?" "No, I need to talk to you." Alhamdulillah. This is how you resolve issues. You don't let the person know you're there to resolve an issue. You have to show up at the right time, at the right place, and intercept them. Let it be organic.

So he came into my office and he said, "Things are not going well. I'm going to leave the summer program." I said, "Why do you want to leave?" "Because I lost interest." You can't buy things like this. When a young man who was right in front taking notes says he's lost interest, I said, "I don't buy that." "No, that's what it is." I said, "Do you really want to know? What is the reason?" He said, "Yeah." "What is the reason you're saying this?" "I'm not a Muslim anymore." A fifteen-year-old. "I'm not a Muslim anymore."

I calmly asked him, "So what are you?" He said, "Well, I'm an agnostic." I said, "Since when?" He said, "Since last night." Wow — since last night, he became an agnostic. He said, "I'm not arrogant enough to say I'm an atheist. I'm an agnostic. I don't know if God exists or not. But I won't say He definitely doesn't." An atheist says He doesn't. An agnostic says, "I don't know."

So I took out a sheet of paper. I said, "Okay, let's talk about it. What are the issues? Let's pour it out." And I asked Allah for help. Under the desk, I texted a few brothers: "I'm sitting with someone who has left Islam right now. He's going to ask me questions. Kindly please start doing some dhikr so that Allah inspires me with the right answers to handle this." So you have to do both — you have to have your spiritual dimensions working full gear, and then you have to have the external, material dimensions working as well.

So he gave me his objections. Alhamdulillah, they weren't too big. He had watched a YouTube debate by an atheist after dinner in his room — pulled out his phone on YouTube, watched the debate. How old was he? Fifteen. At the end of that one-hour debate, he decided he could no longer be a Muslim. That's all it took.

Meaning, the Prophet ﷺ said:

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 118)

A person will wake up as a believer and go to bed as a disbeliever. Go to bed as a believer and wake up as a disbeliever. Enter your home as a Muslim in the morning, wake up for suhoor as a kafir. Go to work, go to school, fasting — and SubhanAllah, by evening, break your fast through something haram, because you're no longer a Muslim. This era that the Prophet ﷺ prophesied is already present. And what you're witnessing is this.

So alhamdulillah, I answered his questions. They were not hard. By Allah's will, they were not hard. He was able to understand the answers. And he looked at me in ten minutes and said, "I'm ready to take the shahada." Alhamdulillah. Allah was Karim. Allah guided him back.

Now next question. I told him, "I understand this was an issue, but this was the tipping point. This is not the real issue. Give me the real issue why you want to leave Islam — not because of a one-hour video. That became the tipping point. What's the real issue?" "No, that's not it." I said, "Nope, there's got to be something more." That's when he broke down crying. He cried so much I had to give him a box of Kleenex. And what did he talk about? Family drama.

"My dad, my mom — they're practicing Muslims. The community thinks of them as very good. They're very involved in the masjid, in Sunday school, at the board level — not only praying, but involved in the masjid. But they're so horrible at home. They swear, they use the worst type of words at each other and at us. They cheat in business. And there's so much family drama. Siblings fight with one another. We've had to call the police on each other. And I'm just — if this is what Islam is — which obviously this is not Islam. Who said this is Islam? But I'd rather not be a Muslim than be a Muslim like this. How could you be so involved in Islam and yet be so horrible at home, leading a dual life?"

This is your normal young man's story today. This is your normal young girl's story. The drama at home is what is pushing them away. And you wonder why they're not interested, why they don't want to come to the program. They are sick and tired of all of this.

And does your wrong, oh mom and dad, does your wrong legitimize his wrong? No. You think that's going to hold up in the court of law on the Day of Judgment? "I left Islam because my mom and dad fought." No. None of that stuff is going to hold up. Your mom and dad, if they did all that drama, they're going to face their own consequences. But you — you're going to face your own consequences.

No soul shall bear the burden of another. No matter who your friends were, no matter what the trauma is — I'm telling you clearly — no matter what trauma, it doesn't work like that. Each person is responsible for his own actions.

So we are going to try to work through and help you overcome this trauma in the dunya. But I don't want anyone to think they're off the hook because it's someone else's fault. Yes, there are nuances that only Allah knows. Intentions that only Allah knows. I'm not playing God here. I just want people to think and recognize: I am responsible for my own actions. And I cannot constantly be blaming other environmental factors — my parents, my siblings, my ex — for my doing things that I know are haram or not allowed.

So these are two sides of one coin. You have to understand both things. Take responsibility — we're going to work with the people causing stress to you. But at the same time, do not think you're off the hook. You are responsible for your own actions.

The Best Gift for Your Parents — United Siblings

So this is basically the importance of how all of us, inshallah, need to focus on — the ta'leem and tarbiyah at home. I spoke for mom and dad, for kids. Now I'm going to get into questions.

The other side of this is: the best gift you can give to your mom and dad — again, it's not taking them out for a fancy dinner, or paying for their Umrah, or something else. The best gift that you, their children, can give them is a united group of siblings. Brothers and sisters who do not fight, who are loving and caring towards one another. There is nothing more a mom and dad would like to see than this. All material things are secondary. What they want to see is: "Alhamdulillah, my children are on the same page. They do not allow their own spouses to come between them."

One brother shared a story — his wife told her own brother: "You have disrespected my husband so badly that I'm never going to come to your house again." The brother was saying, "SubhanAllah, I appreciate the love she has — a wife should love her husband so much and should tell him, 'Listen, what would you like me to do in this situation? Because you are my husband, you are my door to Jannah — how do I proceed?'" But this is how the husband is supposed to respond. The husband says, "I would never become a means of breaking your relationship with your siblings. This is absolutely unacceptable. Whatever he said to me or done with me — that's a different story, that's two men dealing with our own problems. But I cannot allow you to break your relationship with your own sister, your own brother, for this reason. I appreciate your commitment to this marriage and commitment to me, but I also do not want to become a means of breaking a relationship between siblings." MashaAllah. Alhamdulillah. That's how it should be.

Each one needs to be the best version of themselves in that relationship. So the best gift to our mom and dad this Eid is what? A united front amongst the kids. To say, "Mom, Dad — relax. We are on the same page. We love one another for the sake of Allah. We have our own arguments and things of that sort. But we'll never let these arguments get out of hand to the extent that we stop talking to each other, stop visiting one another, or allow our own spouses to come between us."

They say the relationship between siblings is actually the longest one. Look at husband and wife — they get married and sometimes they get divorced; it's happening too often, more than a third. Mom and dad — after 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 years, a time will come, more than likely, when mom and dad are gone and the children are still there. The longest lasting relationship is that of siblings. Both may live up to 80, both may live up to 90. And you cannot divorce your sibling. It's not possible to divorce them. Think about that. Maybe we never gave much thought to this. So if we have siblings, this is a relationship that we really, in this day and age, see is also being broken. And we find ourselves so much closer to friends than to siblings.

I pray Allah brings harmony into all of our homes, allows mom and dad to give the gift this year to their children — the gift they need and the gift they want — and allow the children to give the gift that their parents want, which is also unity and muhabbat amongst themselves. Say Ameen.

Questions & Answers

All right, so now we'll go to the questions. I would love for all of you to ask questions relevant to yourselves. Your spouse, more than likely, is not sitting here. Your son or daughter is more than likely not sitting here either. So if you want to give a message — "I want my son to hear it" — he's not here. Your husband's not here. He's not going to hear it. What we need is: "This is my situation. What is my role? What do I do? What can I do to help change my significant other, my son, my daughter?" That's it. But if the idea is that he needs to hear the speech, she needs to hear the speech — that's a problem. The problem needs to be: I am responsible for how I deal with this problem. Let me first fix myself, and then inshallah we'll work on the rest of the people. Let me control my tongue. Let me do what I need to do.

So I would request that you make your question detailed and specific — something you actually want to take home. I don't want any of you to walk away thinking, "That was a nice, generic, beautiful talk. I know I'm supposed to control my tongue. I can't. Well, good luck to me." No. Let's fill up the gaps here. JazakAllah khair.

Q: How can we avoid going back to old habits after feeling motivated from these talks?

That's a beautiful question. Whatever you're feeling motivated for — write it down now, before you stand up and leave. What do you feel motivated to do? Write that down. And why do you feel motivated to do that? What thing did you hear in this talk that said, "You know what, I've got to do it"? Was it a story? Was it a hadith? Was it a statement? Was it a reflection? Write that down. You don't have to write the whole story. Just a little point that will make you remember what motivated you. Write down what you're motivated to change within yourself and why you got motivated because of that.

Number two — when you have that list, inshallah, every day whenever you're making du'a, keep that list in mind. Refresh it. And make du'a that Allah allows you to keep away from those things. Will you 100% guaranteed be able to stay away from those old habits all the time? No. But at least you recognize what your bad habit is. That's huge. So when you fall into it, immediately — at the next salah or the next hour — you repent and make tawbah for it. That, I think, is a success for you. You have it written out, written why you're motivated, and you start making du'a for it.

Okay, some of it is not just du'a. Some of it, we need intervention — therapy for it. We need to reach out to an older brother or sister for help. Go ahead, acknowledge that. "I am like this for the past 50 or 60 years. I'm making tawbah today, but 'adatan si majburah — I'm forced by habit to be like this." Can habits change? Yes, they can. The greatest habit is kufr and shirk. There are seventy-year-olds accepting Islam. How can someone accept Islam at the age of seventy and you're saying your habit can't change?

That's what a successful therapist does. The marriage therapist or any other therapist is going into your brain, into your mind, and making you rethink how you interact with certain scenarios. Basically, reshuffling your mental energy and the way you process things in your life. And a successful course of therapy — in ten sessions, alhamdulillah — changes the way you think. So it can be resolved.

Q: I have found that I have a dull, dead presence at home and with my family. But as soon as I leave, I feel light and happy with others.

Alhamdulillah. The fact that you are acknowledging this is huge. Is this real? Yes, it is real. Is there something I can do about it? You have to do something about it. It shouldn't be like this. We should feel the most excited when we enter home. That's home base. Why should we not be excited when we're with our mom and dad, our kids and spouse?

Maybe there's something that is upsetting you. You need to sit down, do some muhasabah, meditate, talk it out. What stress do you have at home that as soon as you enter, you feel very heavy? If after five or ten minutes of reflection you can't think of anything, then this is from Shaitan. Shaitan wants you to become a means of toxicity within your home and ruin the environment. No one likes a party pooper. You come home and you're dull — no one's going to enjoy your company. You're not enjoying theirs. And everything — even the Eid party, even iftar — becomes unbearable. That's not how it's supposed to be. We should all be excited to see each other.

So I would suggest you start working on spiritual treatments. Focus on spiritually treating yourself, and inshallah that should hopefully be removed.

Q: My brother, 24, loved Islam. After a panic attack in the masjid, he has gone down a spiral of doubt and is steering away from Islam.

If he had a panic attack in the masjid and is now doubting Islam because of that — do you not see something here? Think about it. It's so obvious. That panic attack is also connected with the same thing that's creating doubts within him. Shaitan, SubhanAllah, utilized some external means to create that panic attack, and then is using that as a foundation for him to leave Islam. I see this all the time.

Some experience happens. A brother reached out to me and said, "I'm volunteering in a masjid, and one person didn't listen to my directions, ignored me, looked the other way, and I got so upset that I said I'm leaving — not coming back to the masjid." I said, "How many times has this happened?" He said it happened in that same masjid with that same person — not the same spot, different spots — several times over the past few years. Six times with that same individual. And this individual is not even from the area, just comes occasionally in Ramadan. What are the chances of this happening six times to the same person? Don't you think he has been sent, via Shaitan, to test you? Why are you failing this test? How does it help your akhira to throw in the towel and say, "I'm not going to volunteer anymore because someone spoke to me harshly"? What he did was wrong — absolutely not acceptable. But what about you? Why would you give up on this?

So the point is we need to learn how to connect these dots. I would suggest, most definitely, focus on spiritual ruqyah or Quranic ruqyah for this brother.

Q: How do you handle persistent problems between spouses? Unreasonable expectations, getting upset at you regardless.

There are only two ways that I can think of to deal with persistent issues at home. One is therapy. And therapy could simply mean an older person, an experienced person in the community — an experienced parent, an experienced grandparent — someone who loves you, who cares about your family being intact, and who has experience. You do not want someone who loves you only and does not love your home being intact. Run away from them. Sometimes it is these very so-called close friends who ruin the whole thing. Wallahi, I'm saying this to you.

Sometimes it's the so-called close friend who does you more harm than anybody else. "Man, I love you, brother. You don't need to deal with your wife like this. There's a ton of other women. Just divorce her." And now, Allah forbid, what is the man doing? He's visiting escorts. Where's your good old friend now who had twenty women wanting to get married to this guy? He's sitting doing ibadah in the masjid while you're sitting there in a club. Stay far away from friends who give you advice like this.

Anyone who tells you, "Oh, just walk out" — and I tell you, that's the same thing for the sisters. Anyone who says, "Oh SubhanAllah, there are so many other great men out there," or "You don't need to get married in the first place, just walk out" — you have to remind yourself that you need to stay away from this person. They may be your best friend. They may be a good person. But they are being played by Shaitan — by the will of Allah — to say things to you that will harm you. They may not want to intentionally harm you. But the advice they're giving, if you act on it, is horrible.

So how often do I say "get divorced"? Myself? Rarely, rarely, rarely, rarely. Because people are addressing marital problems — or any other problem — the wrong way. Like, "When do I kick my daughter out of the house? What line does she cross?" I say that you never cross that line. "But she did this and that." I don't care what she did. You can't push her out of the house. Same for the son. Don't push him out of the house. Because when you push him out, you're not putting him out tomorrow — you're putting him right now into hell. I'm not talking about the dunya. I'm worried about the akhira. When you push him out, there's very little chance of his rectification. And the ability for him to make tawbah is going to be very, very difficult.

You can move out of the house yourself and say, "I can't handle it." As a dad, as a mom — say, "You stay here. We're going to go stay somewhere else for a while. We'll come see you for a few hours, but you stay here." I know you're going to say that's hard. It's very hard. But I know you love your son and daughter immensely. And I know that on the Day of Judgment, you will never want to see them in hell.

You know the famous story — the Prophet ﷺ was with a young man who was dying and asked him to say the kalimah. The man could not say it. The Prophet ﷺ asked him again and again. He refused — not that he said "I don't want to," he just could not say it. The Prophet ﷺ asked if he had a mother alive. They said yes. He said, "Go call the mother." While they went, the Prophet ﷺ ordered some firewood to be brought and a fire to be started. When the mother came, the Prophet ﷺ asked if her son had done something wrong. She said yes, he had hurt her and upset her. The Prophet ﷺ then ordered the companions to act as though they were picking him up and throwing him into this fire. She started screaming, "No, no!" And then he said, "If you don't forgive him, he won't be able to say the kalimah, and the fire he will face on the Day of Judgment will be something far, far greater." When she heard this, she immediately forgave him. And he was able to say the kalimah and pass away. That is the gist of the story.

So a mom and dad — when they get upset with their kids, I understand they've done so much for you. But you genuinely don't want your kids to go to hell. No one would want that. They've hurt you — I know. So how do you deal with the situation? We'll deal with it. But right now, the last thing you want to do is kick them out of the house.

Marriage problems, family problems — breaking away is not the solution. This is not the solution.