Learning from our Children - Shaykh Waleed Basyouni

Khutbah: Learning from Our Children

أَمَّا بَعْدُ، فَإِنَّ خَيْرَ الْكَلَامِ كَلَامُ اللَّهِ، وَخَيْرَ الْهَدْيِ هَدْيُ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلَّمَ، وَشَرَّ الْأُمُورِ مُحْدَثَاتُهَا، وَكُلَّ مُحْدَثَةٍ بِدْعَةٌ، وَكُلَّ بِدْعَةٍ ضَلَالَةٌ.

All praise is due to Allah, and His praise and blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa alihi wa sallam, his family, his companions, and his followers until the Day of Judgment. I bear witness that Allah is the only one worthy of worship and Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is His last and final messenger.

The Importance of Offspring (Dhurriyyah) in the Quran

There is a word that appears in the Quran around 32 times across 19 different surahs, and that large number of repetitions points out the importance of this word — which is dhurriyyah — meaning offspring and children. That shows you how much Islam cares about this concept, that the Quran speaks about it very often. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam as well — because, as we all know, family is the cornerstone of society, and for this reason Islam placed so much emphasis on the importance of family.

O you who believe, protect yourself and your family from the Hellfire.

Order your family to perform salah and be patient with that.

Many verses in the Quran speak about different aspects of how important it is to take care of your family — to the extent that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said it is much better to leave your family financially comfortable than to leave them poor, having to ask for and seek charity from people.

A Different Lens: Learning From Our Children

Often when we address the topic of family and children, we always think about it from the perspective I just mentioned — how to provide for them, how to teach them, how to raise them to be righteous, how to protect and provide, and so forth. I understand that, because that is normal. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 893; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1829)

We are all like shepherds and we are all responsible for our flock — and that includes our children and our family. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, as recorded in the Musannaf of Abd al-Razzaq, said: "Teach your children good manners and good etiquette." I understand that.

But that is not what I want to talk about today. I don't want to talk about our children from that perspective. I want to look at this subject from a completely different perspective — one I would like you to think about with me. It is the perspective of looking at those children as very pure, noble creatures. Allah created them upon the pure fitrah:

الْأَطْفَالُ عَلَى فِطْرَتِهِمُ السَّلِيمَةِ فِي أَحْسَنِ تَقْوِيمٍ — they are in the best of states before any corruption happens to them as they grow.

I would like to invite you today to put on the lens of a learner and to look at our children as someone you can learn from — not only teach.

There is a father who said: "I saw my son holding two apples and I asked him to share one of them with me. He quickly took a bite from both of them." And that father started lecturing his son about how important it is to share — "It's not nice, you have two, you don't need to eat both of them, when your father asks you..." — all this kind of familiar talk. But the son quietly told his father: "Actually, I was not trying to eat both of them. I was trying to see which one is sweeter — to give it to you." He said: "For the first time, for me, this was a point where I learned something from my son. I learned not to rush to judge, not to rush to preach, not to rush to lecture."

There are so many things I would like to point out — as time permits — that I found very interesting about children, and I found that we as adults, men and women, old and young, are in dear need of reflecting upon these beautiful qualities that Allah has put in our children.

Lesson One: Perseverance and Goal-Orientation

One of the first things I notice in children is that children have the quality of perseverance. Children do not give up easily. They are goal-oriented. When they have something in their heart that they want to achieve, they will do everything possible at their disposal to achieve that goal. They will try all kinds of approaches — you will be amazed at how persistent they are in seeking whatever they want. And I'm sure I see some of you smiling right now, remembering your own childhood or thinking about your own children.

I wish that we as adults had the same attitude. I can tell you that so many of us, at some point in our lives — I don't know when — lost our vision. We don't have any clarity about the goals we want to achieve. I can guarantee you that among us there are many who don't know exactly what they want to achieve — whether at an individual level, a community level, or an organizational level.

And I can guarantee you something: if you don't know where you want to go, you're going to end up anywhere. I know many people I've met in my life who only discovered their goals when they had already arrived somewhere — and then they said, "Okay, I guess that became my goal." That is very sad.

For example, Ramadan is coming. Many of us haven't asked ourselves: what exactly do I want to achieve in Ramadan? One of the things I would love to see is our Muslim community becoming a goal-oriented community. If you look at and study the seerah of the Prophet, he was goal-oriented. He had a goal, he focused on that goal, and he would not let anything distract him from achieving it.

When you have goals in life, you know how to set your priorities correctly. Many times people say, "Sheikh, can you help me set my priorities? I don't know which one goes first." The main reason for that is because you don't have clarity about what goals you want to achieve. So for Ramadan, for example: is your goal to complete khatm al-Quran? One time? Two times? Three times? Is your goal to make i'tikaf? Or are you just going with the flow?

If you have goals, that means you have a plan. It means you have clarity about what you want to achieve and what you want to reach by the end of that time or effort. Many of us unfortunately are no longer driven by our dreams. Many of us gave up our dreams early in life. You remember when you were young — you had all these dreams and all these things you wanted to achieve. But you got lost in the daily grind, in the routines of life and work.

Many people go to work every day and they do it because they want to make a living — but in the process, they forgot to make a life. It is very sad when you wake up in the morning and you are not driven by your dreams, but rather driven by your problems, by your challenges, by your debts, by your family issues.

I live in the United States, and we have a very famous civil rights activist worldwide — I'm sure all of you have heard of him — Martin Luther King Jr. When you hear that name, you always think of his famous speech and the phrase: "I have a dream." I ask myself: if that day he had said "I have a problem" instead of "I have a dream," do you think that movement would have achieved what it achieved? That is the reality — so many Muslim organizations today think about their problems. When the masjid thinks, it thinks about the problems. When the community thinks, it thinks about the problems. They are driven by fear, by "what if, what if, what if."

If that is your lifestyle, I can guarantee you it is a very exhausting life, and most people who live like that don't accomplish much before their death and don't reach the goals they wanted to have. I will never forget visiting one community where I saw a beautiful building. I asked them, "Mashallah, what are you planning to do with it?" They said, "We haven't figured that out yet." They built the building, they designed the interior, and they didn't even know what they were going to do with it. That is very sad — but unfortunately it manifests in many different ways in our lives today.

If you ask yourself as a community — as a masjid, as a community of Birmingham — what exactly do you want to achieve? What do you want the Muslim community to be known as in this society? Most of the time we just want to pass by. We just want the day to go by, life to pass by. What exactly is the vision, the goal, that I have set in my mind to achieve? Those who think that way are the ones who truly make a difference in life.

Lesson Two: A Healthy Relationship with Mistakes

Kids have an amazing attitude toward mistakes. Before our children go to school and are told that being wrong means being bad, in their own fitrah they understand that being wrong doesn't mean being bad. Doing something wrong doesn't mean you are a bad person. Making a mistake means that I learned something new. My mistake makes me grow — it never makes me less.

These problems and challenges in life were never meant to weaken you — they are meant to make you grow. That is why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told us that people will be tested according to their iman. And one of the meanings of that is that people are tested according to their iman because that test makes you grow stronger and bigger.

A lot of the time we think that our mistakes are the end. Just by reflecting on the concept of tawbah — the scholars, rahimahullah, had a long and interesting debate: hal rajulun ba'da al-tawbah khayrun min halihi qabla al-dhanb? — before committing a sin you were in a certain state, but you committed a sin and then repented from it; is your state higher than it was before committing the sin, similar, or lower? And Ibn al-Qayyim, rahimahullah, and so many others said: no, actually it is higher — because even though in the process you made a mistake, that repentance, that experience, made you understand something and learn something.

That is why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told us: if we did not make mistakes, Allah would have taken us away and brought people who do make mistakes, learn from them, seek istighfar, and Allah forgives them.

Success never meant that you don't make a mistake. Success means that you are able to correct yourself every time you make a mistake. So I invite those who are giving up hope —

Al-qunut min rahmatillah — to give up hope and despair from Allah's mercy — is not only about forgiveness and jannah. It is also about any form of success in life. Don't ever think that Allah will not help you, will not aid you, will not make you a successful husband or a successful father or a successful student or successful in your business. Don't give up that hope. Learn from your mistakes and grow.

Lesson Three: Pure Hearts — Forgiving Easily

One more thing I love about children: they have very pure hearts. Children do not hold grudges. They forgive easily. They are transparent about their feelings. I wish that adults were like that. I wish that we would learn from our children how to be willing to forgive quickly those who have harmed us.

Just reflect on the story of Yusuf alayhi salam. Can you imagine — a young boy, taken by his brothers, thrown into a dark well, then taken into slavery, then going through all those difficulties, all those hardships — and then the insults continued until the moment he came to his palace in Egypt. His brothers stood before him, including the brother who had been gone a long time, and they were still accused. But when they came to a point where they recognized their mistakes and said: "Allah has favored you over us, we wronged you, and we admit our mistake," what did he say?

"There is no blame upon you today." In an instant, a history of decades — years and years of harm, injustice, and bad things they had done to him and caused him — he let all of that go. And that is represented at an even higher level when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, "You are all free to go," when he entered Mecca.

Where is that level of forgiveness for adults to learn? Some people — you do so much good to them, and one time you make a mistake, one time you wrong them, it will never be forgiven and never be forgotten. I always say to people: try to learn to forgive and to forget. And if you can't do both, pick one of them — because that will make your life much easier. If you can't do both, at least pick one so you can move on in your life.

Holding on to that negativity will not help you in any way. If you just hold in your heart this negative feeling, that hatred toward others — what do you gain? You gain nothing. But you harm your own self. That is why I always say: when you learn how to forgive people, you don't set those people free — you actually set your own heart free. But I notice that only strong people can forgive. Weak people cannot.

Lesson Four: The Ability to Adjust and Adapt

Children are amazing when it comes to adjusting. I remember when I moved to my new house — the first people who connected with the neighbors, who adjusted to the new schools, were my kids. They got to know the new house very well. They quickly adapted. Have you noticed that with your children? That is a ni'mah, a blessing from Allah, for them to be able to adjust.

Adjusting is an essential element of surviving. If we cannot adjust, we cannot survive. Just study biology and study history — those who don't know how to adjust to changes belong to Jurassic Park; they don't belong here. We as a community, if we don't learn how to adjust to the changes happening in society in the 21st century, in the world — if we as leaders and representatives of our religion don't know how to adjust — if you as a father don't know how to adjust to the changes happening in your children's lives — your kids are no longer in elementary school, he's a teenager; she's no longer a teenage girl, she's a married woman with her own life — if the mother and the father don't understand that my son should have his own experience in life, that he's not the high school or college kid living with me anymore — if you can't do that, you're not doing any good to yourself or to your family.

If you cannot understand the things that are changing in your own life — even in your own business — if you can't adapt to change, to new challenges, to new technology, you will become irrelevant. And irrelevant people have zero impact in other people's lives. It is so important that you adjust.

There are people who have lived years and decades in a new place and still live as if they are on the other side of the world. They couldn't adjust at all. They have a new life, a new culture, a new society, new challenges in front of them. Some of us are not rich anymore — if you don't know how to adjust to your new financial status, you are in trouble. Some of us were poor and became rich, but still a millionaire who doesn't know how to act like one. The ability to adjust is that important.

Adjusting to friends, adjusting to community members — people come and go, change happens constantly in our community. Our ability to adjust and accommodate while holding to our principles is an essential recipe for success and survival.

Lesson Five: Smiling, Laughing, and Joy

Kids smile a lot. They laugh a lot. Studies show that an average child laughs 200 times or even more a day, while the average adult laughs only 14 to 17 times a day. And I think that's actually a very high number for many of our community members. Kids laugh and smile — they are happy creatures. And we don't know why adults don't.

I travel a lot, around many communities around the world, and I can tell you one of the most common things you see when you go to any community: people are giving you that serious look and nobody is smiling anymore. What is going on? It's okay — your teeth are not awrah, you can show them. You can smile. You can laugh.

She was asked about Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam inside his house — he used to laugh and smile at home. He was not always angry. So many of us have become borderline angry, grumpy people. Why? Smiling is a sunnah. Laughing is the sunnah of the Prophet and his companions. They laughed and joked with each other — but when serious time came, they were real men. That is how the companions of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam were.

I live in a city called Houston in Texas, and in Houston there is a very famous hospital that is a world leader in something called healing through laughter. Because of the lack of time, I want you to do a simple search on Google: just put "healing through laughter" and see how many research studies were done about how laughter is actually a medicine — a cure. It energizes your immune system. Something called NK cells in your body not only increases in number by relieving stress and being happy, but also becomes more active — and those cells are responsible, after the will of Allah, for protecting you from so many diseases. A common factor among those who live long lives is that they live happy lives and laugh a lot.

So if your laugh is rusty, it is a good time now to polish it. If you come to this masjid or any masjid, or you pass by anyone, and you find your brother or sister with no smile — give them one of yours. It is a very contagious thing. I really would like to see this as something we are known for — we do it sincerely, not because we want to impress anyone, but because we love one another and we care for one another.

My brothers and sisters, don't think that your smile and your laugh are the result of your happiness — because sometimes, actually many times, your smile and your laugh can be the reason for your happiness.

Lesson Six: Trust

Kids tend to trust easily. That is very noticeable in children — they trust readily. And while that can sometimes be a problem, in my experience in life, I have found that those who tend to trust people are much happier than those who don't.

I think we as adults have an issue with trust. We need to increase the level of trust between us and our leaders in our masajid, our communities, and our scholars. We need to trust one another. Why is it that every time we see someone do something, we always think the worst of it? We don't have that trust in each other — to work with each other, to forgive one another, to understand that he has his own reasoning and his own justification. The main reason for this is that we don't have trust in one another.

There is a conspiracy theory behind everything. Nobody trusts the government, nobody trusts the media, nobody trusts social media — what are you going to trust? Nothing? What kind of life is this? That is a misery. It has been said perfectly: "Trust is like blood pressure — it is silent, yet fatal to good health. And if you abuse it, it can be deadly." We should watch our trust.

Lesson Seven: Confidence

Finally, I really appreciate how kids have such a high level of confidence in themselves. "I'm the best football player." "I'm the most beautiful girl." We as adults need that confidence in ourselves. Confidence doesn't mean arrogance. Confidence means having trust in yourself — because if you look at yourself negatively, you are not going to expect people to look at you positively.

Conclusion: Building Character

I ask Allah to help us reflect on these essential qualities — because building character is so important. Building good character means building a good Muslim. And building a good Muslim means a good Muslim family. A good Muslim family means a good Muslim community. And a good Muslim community means a good society at large. These are very essential principles and character traits to think about and to work on developing within ourselves.