EPIC Masjid, Shiekh Yasir Birjas, Love for your Family.

Opening – The Khutbah of Need

Alhamdulillah, we praise Him, we ask for His help, we ask for His guidance, we ask for His forgiveness. And we seek refuge in Allah from the evil of our souls and the evil of our deeds. Whom Allah guides, none can misguide him. Whom He misguides, none can guide him. And I bear witness that there is no god but Allah, His Oneness is one and there is no partner for Him. And I bear witness that Muhammad is His servant and His Messenger.

The Season of Love – Are We Prepared?

Everything is turning red. Flowers, chocolate, balloons — everything is promoting one theme. And that is the theme of love. As Muslims, you just cannot avoid being affected by these things. You have children. And you are young. And even if you are an adult in your fifties or sixties, you cannot just avoid reflecting on these things.

Have you prepared yourself to answer that question when you are trapped? Particularly teenagers. They ask you: What's the problem? Why can't you celebrate this or that? Why is it not allowed for us to have a boyfriend or girlfriend? Are you prepared to answer these questions? You can't just let this season pass by without being proactive as a parent. Without being prepared as an individual — man or woman — and as a young one as well.

What answer do you have to your friends? When you go to school or college and they ask about these things, what answers do you have to these issues that are related to the subject of love and emotions?

Unfortunately, our children, our youth, our families, young couples these days, are growing up in a culture that is completely, completely distorting reality for them. When it comes to the ideals of love and marriage, they are just fairytales. Even though the thing that they promote the most is love, it's failing their reality. High rate of divorce. Breakups. Dating doesn't work for them anymore. Many, many things — the same thing they're looking for and they've been trying to achieve and get — it's not helping them either, subhanAllah. The ideals that they're teaching others are not helping them.

You think it's only a Muslim issue? Muslims are falling into the same trap as well. I'm not going to ask you to raise your hands, but I'm sure that perhaps almost 70% of Muslims in America have international satellites at home. And they have their families — their wives in particular — watching these TVs and shows of Turkish and Syrian and Pakistani dramas, all day and all night. What are they watching? You watch them sitting in front of the TV, crying their eyes out for a love story that, if one of their children tried to do in reality, they would make a big problem for them. So they're just living a virtual life and building ideals that don't exist even in reality. What they don't realize is that even those actors in real life cannot sustain a relationship. They cannot have a happy marriage. Because when it comes to reality, it has completely different rules.

Our True Reference – The Prophet's Example

As Muslims, where would we learn these ideals about love, about marriage? When your child asks you the question, do you have an answer? What answer are you giving your children? What are your points of reference? And what are your resources when you talk to your children?

In this regard, I would like to share with you one of the most important resources about the subject of love and marital life — none other than Rasulullah ﷺ. None other than the Messenger of Allah ﷺ, the best of this Ummah.

Didn't Allah send him to mankind as Rahmat al-'alameen — mercy to mankind, mercy to the world? And what does that exactly mean? In everything. Wasn't he sent to us to follow his example?

When Umm al-Mu'minin Aisha رضي الله عنها was asked about the character of the Prophet ﷺ:

(Sahih Muslim, Book 6, Hadith 139)

His akhlaq, his manners, was the Qur'an itself. And what does that exactly mean? Allah asserts that again in the Qur'an:

You are, O Muhammad, at a very high level and standard of character — ﷺ. For us to follow.

When Umm al-Mu'minin was asked the question — how was the akhlaq and the manners of Rasulullah ﷺ — do you think that questioner didn't know about his akhlaq in public? They knew him. They saw him every day. They interacted with him in public. But what was the question about? The question was about the thing that every husband, every man dreads — when someone asks their wives or their children: How is your dad at home? How does he treat you? That's what men fear the most — to be exposed.

Why is that? Because as humans, we sometimes have double standards. We have two faces. The public face is the happiest face ever. But the private one — Allahu Akbar — that's a different thing. And most men fear that their children and their spouses are exposed to that question.

But for Rasulullah ﷺ, the people wanted to know how he was at home. So they came to a believer, Aisha: How is the akhlaq of the Prophet ﷺ? — meaning, how does he treat you at home? Aisha رضي الله عنها could have counted all his beautiful qualities and manners. But she wanted to cut it short. She said — essentially: Don't waste your time. His akhlaq is the Qur'an itself. Which means, don't waste your time digging into the private life of Rasulullah ﷺ. He doesn't have that double standard. He doesn't have two faces — or multiple faces like many people might have. He doesn't have that, ﷺ. Because the cornerstone of his character was the Qur'an itself. One standard of character. One set of ethics. In all his practices, ﷺ.

His Love for Khadijah

Aisha رضي الله عنها knew that, because she lived with him and she saw it. That's why Rasulullah ﷺ loved her so much.

Speaking about the Prophet ﷺ as an ideal husband, as a beautiful family man — when it comes to love, he was, wallahi, something else. Because his story is real. It's not a fairytale. It's not a fantasy. It was reality.

And Aisha رضي الله عنها knew that. Rasulullah ﷺ had so many beautiful memories and gestures — he loved his wives genuinely.

You know, when it comes to loving your spouse, it's an attitude. People come with a lot of baggage to the relationship and everybody is expecting the other party to start first. And because of that competition — who's going to be the first person to move the relationship forward — we have a lot of troubles in marriage. But love is an attitude. You come with a positive attitude towards that.

Rasulullah ﷺ married Khadijah رضي الله عنها, who was even older than him ﷺ. And from her he got all his children ﷺ, except for Ibrahim. Khadijah رضي الله عنها took care of him ﷺ for over 20 years. And then when she passed away, he never forgot her memories. When he used to receive gifts, he would distribute things and say, "Give this to so-and-so, because she was a friend of Khadijah." And when he collected things, he would say, "Go and send this to the friends of Khadijah." And when these women — her friends — came by, the Prophet ﷺ would be cheerful and say, "She was a friend of Khadijah."

Even his wife Aisha got jealous. She was jealous of the memories of Khadijah. Khadijah was gone — but she was so jealous. She wished he could remember her as much as he remembered Khadijah. But what does that tell you? How much love he had ﷺ for Khadijah, even long after she was gone.

And because of that, when one time Aisha tried to compete with Khadijah in front of the Prophet ﷺ, he got very upset with her. He said, ﷺ: "I was filled with love for her — for Khadijah." He loved her so much, and she loved him. رضي الله عنها وأرضاها. And he counted all her virtues:

"She listened to me when everybody else did not. She assisted me with her money and her wealth when everybody was holding their money from me. She was the first to believe when everybody denied me." And he started counting all her virtues.

I wonder how many husbands dare to mention the virtues of their wives in front of other people. And here is Rasulullah ﷺ, counting the virtues of his wife. It's not weakness to acknowledge that because of your wife and your spouse, you became who you are. Wallahi, it is not weakness. That is the akhlaq of Rasulullah ﷺ — to give everybody the honor that they deserve.

His Love for Aisha

Aisha رضي الله عنها came next. And when 'Amr ibn al-'As رضي الله عنه, in public, asked Rasulullah ﷺ:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 3662; Sahih Muslim, Book 44, Hadith 164)

"O Messenger of Allah, who is the most beloved to you?" Rasulullah ﷺ — al-sadiq al-masduq, the truthful — he didn't say, "That's none of your business." He immediately, naturally, said: "Aisha." There was no question. No second thought. Just: Aisha. He didn't even say "my wife" or "Umm 'Abdullah." He said: Aisha.

Even 'Amr, who asked the question, was shocked. He said, "No, no, no — I'm talking about men, O Messenger of Allah." But the question was direct — who is the most beloved to you? — and he said: Aisha. And he said it in public, ﷺ.

I'm not asking each man right now to go and post this everywhere. But at least, when it comes to acknowledging that — be genuine about it. And here is Rasulullah spontaneously giving that answer: Aisha.

The Best Among You Are Those Best to Their Families

Rasulullah ﷺ took it to the next level. He said:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 3895; declared Sahih by al-Tirmidhi)

"The best among you are those who are best to their families. And I am the best of you to my family."

What is he trying to tell us, ﷺ? He said: if you want to be good, be good to your family first. Forget about being good to your neighbors, being good to all the people around you — co-workers, this and that — and then ruining your relationship with your family. He says: you need to be good from inside first, then you become good outside. Because if you're good inside the house, wallahi, you will be good outside. But if you're good only outside, that doesn't guarantee you a successful relationship inside. Because it's much more challenging. It's much more difficult.

That's why Rasulullah ﷺ said: wa ana khairukum li-ahli — I am the best of you to my family. He's asking us to follow his lead and follow his example.

Qualities of the Prophet as a Husband

How can you be the best to your family? There are so many characteristics that men and women look for in a relationship. And when I ask them exactly — from doing a lot of marriage counseling — it's always the same thing over and over again.

What men look for in any relationship is respect. They want respect in ways that are meaningful to them. That's how they express the word love. Which means: if you love me, you respect me. That includes making the food, taking care of the children, taking care of my family and my parents, and so on. All these things, for them, are acts of respect and acts of love. They are meaningful to the man. But they're not necessarily meaningful to the woman.

And when you ask any lady, she would say: love. That's what she looks for the most. But what does it mean exactly? It's not just buying flowers and chocolate. It's much more than that. It's showing it in action — being respectful as well, being understanding.

Quality #1 – He Was Very Understanding

When you check what the wives of Rasulullah ﷺ loved about him the most, it was that he was very gentle, very kind, very understanding.

Aisha رضي الله عنها narrated that Rasulullah ﷺ once said to her: "I can tell when you are happy with me and when you are unhappy with me." She said: "How do you know that?" He said: "When you're happy with me, you would say, 'No, by the Lord of Muhammad.' And when you're unhappy, you would say, 'No, by the Lord of Ibrahim.'"

And she responded in a loving nature: "I'm only avoiding your name — that's all." Which means the love is confirmed. I'm just avoiding your name at that moment. So even when they're upset, they understand each other. SubhanAllah — Rasulullah ﷺ understood the language of his wife. Every woman would love to see her husband being so understanding.

In another occasion, one day Rasulullah ﷺ, during Eid, was in the house. He overheard the Abyssinians as they were playing with their swords, putting on a festivity and a show. People were watching and happy. They heard the clanging of swords and armor. He looked at Aisha — and as her husband, he realized that she was trying to pay attention to what was going on outside. So, without her asking, he said: "Do you want to watch?"

He knew what she was thinking. What she was looking for. She didn't have to ask. She said: yes. And then the Prophet ﷺ stood for her. He remained standing. She came from behind him, hiding behind him — her chin on his shoulder and her cheek on his cheek, as it was narrated in Sahih al-Bukhari.

She said: he stood up for me. And he kept standing — my best friend — my cheek on his cheek ﷺ. And then after some time — you know how men are, it's about five or ten minutes and that's it — he turned to Aisha and said: "Are you done?" "Not yet." Which most men sometimes dread even asking, because it means it's going to take forever. But here is Rasulullah ﷺ without any complaint, standing for her, letting her watch. And then after some time he said again: "Are you done?" She said: no. And he continued standing for her ﷺ — in the same position, in a very loving way. He kept asking over and over again until she said: "Hasbuk — I'm done. That's it." And then they went back to their normal activities. The Prophet did not complain and Aisha did not complain.

But what was amazing is what Aisha said when she used to narrate this story. She would say:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 454; Sahih Muslim, Book 4, Hadith 1942)

"Just so you know — I swear, I had no real desire to watch those people. I didn't even want to watch them. But I just want the people to know about the standing of Rasulullah ﷺ for me." She wanted them to know how the Prophet ﷺ would react. He told her: go ahead, let's watch. And he was with her ﷺ all that time. And she was teaching us: be kind, be nice, be gentle.

The best among you are those who are best to their families.

Quality #2 – He Was a Very Good Listener

Rasulullah ﷺ was a very good listener. And that's what most women complain about when it comes to husband and wife issues. He says she doesn't understand; she says he doesn't listen. Because when he listens, he's watching TV, on his cell phone, or doing something else — "I'm listening, just keep talking." He's not listening. But Rasulullah ﷺ was a very good listener.

Aisha رضي الله عنها narrated the long hadith of Umm Zar', which is also in Sahih al-Bukhari. She gave the story of 10 women who gathered at the time of Jahiliyyah before Islam, and each one of them started talking about her husband. You know what they call this? Gossip. Ten women getting together, gossiping about their husbands.

Now subhanAllah, look at this. If a man hears his wife comparing him to her brother or to a foreign man, it would become a big issue. And here is Aisha talking to Rasulullah ﷺ, describing the qualities of 10 husbands — one description after the other, one after the other. For most of us, even one description would make your blood boil. And here is Rasulullah ﷺ just listening.

She wasn't criticizing him. She wasn't attacking him the way most men might take it. She was telling him a story. And Rasulullah ﷺ understood the moral of that story.

The last one — Umm Zar' — when she talked about her husband, Abu Zar', who was the best of the ten. A few things we need to know: First, that story happened in the Jahiliyyah before Islam, and Rasulullah ﷺ is much older than Aisha. Do you think he didn't know that story from before? He perhaps knew it long before she was born. But he listened without interrupting. He didn't take it personally. He said: OK, bismillah, let's see what happens.

And third — when she finished — Rasulullah ﷺ gave her positive feedback. He said: "And I shall be to you like Abu Zar' was to Umm Zar'." Choosing the best of the ten, ﷺ. He didn't defend himself. He didn't say, "So what do you think of me?" He didn't take it personally. He said: if this is what you want, you'll get that. He was a good listener, ﷺ.

Quality #3 – He Was Very Humble and Served His Family

Rasulullah ﷺ was very humble, and he used to serve himself and his family even inside the house. Aisha رضي الله عنها said that sometimes he would get busy serving the family:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 676)

"He was in service of his family — but when the time of Salah came, he became like a stranger to me." Which means Salah comes first. Ibadah comes first.

When we say to be nice and kind and gentle, that doesn't mean to overstep the rules that Allah gave you as the man of the house — to make sure that your family and your children are following the commandments of Allah. But what they need is their own model. And the best model for all of us is Rasulullah ﷺ.

Once you really read — and there are so many other stories about the Prophet ﷺ — once you read these stories, you won't need any other reference. Because none other than the stories of Rasulullah ﷺ will be sufficient.

أقول قولي هذا وأستغفر الله لي ولكم ولسائر المسلمين، فاستغفروه إنه هو الغفور الرحيم.

Second Khutbah – Building the Community from Within

الحمد لله رب العالمين، وصلى الله وسلم وبارك على نبينا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه وسلم تسليماً كثيراً. أما بعد:

My dear brothers and sisters, as you know, it's a season. And as Muslims, we cannot leave it in isolation. People see and watch and they're going to ask you questions. Your children will ask you questions. Even in school, they will have their own parties. What answers have you prepared?

And the best answer you can give them, wallahi — you don't have to say a word. But you can just act at home the way the Prophet ﷺ acted with his family. If you act with your children in a loving nature, they won't need any verbal testimony from you about the meaning of love and kindness and gentleness.

Allah says about the miracle of marriage:

"And one of His signs is that He created for you, from your own selves, mates, so that you may find tranquility in them. And He placed between you love and mercy." This is what you need to implement in the house. This is what you need to do.

Sometimes in families, we have a couple who — way before they're divorced physically — live in what I call an emotional divorce. They have been emotionally divorced long ago. There is no connection whatsoever. They live under the same roof — but that's it. That is not supposed to be like that. It's supposed to be the way the Prophet ﷺ lived his life.

The reason I mention this topic is that, being one of you — a member of this metroplex and this community — I know that every Muslim community now, mashaAllah, is aspiring to build big projects and big Islamic centers. May Allah make you all successful. You have a fundraising coming on March 2nd to build this facility, insha'Allah, to the best of what you can.

However, what I want from each and every one of you is to start building the community from within. That is the most important thing. What's the point if you have big masajid and big centers, when we have broken families and broken communities? As we build these projects and put our hearts, insha'Allah, and our money into them, we need also to invest in our relationship with our families, with our children, with our spouses, and our relatives. This is a very crucial moment for you right now.

As you move your project forward, you need to move your community forward. Being a member of this community myself, I believe that we all need to be strong. We cannot afford having a weak community amongst us. The way I love to see my community successful, I would love to see you successful in your community as well. The way you want every other masjid around you to be successful and strong — we cannot afford having a weak community around.

Therefore, make sure to support your project and your community by attending your fundraising, insha'Allah — and work on yourself, on your children, on your family, and your community.