Affairs and Divorce - The Parents Huddle - Azeemuddin Ahmed

The Parents' Huddle — Affairs and Divorce

As Shaykh Hisham mentioned right after Salatul Dhuhr, alhamdulillah we have a four-part series here every Sunday, inshallah, while the children are participating in the crafts and arts program downstairs. We have a program here for parents, or soon-to-be parents, or eventually going to become parents, inshallah, group of people. And I think it's a really amazing opportunity for us to connect amongst ourselves and discuss things and, inshallah, address issues that we might not have an opportunity to address elsewhere.

So the topic we said is a parents' huddle — that's exactly what it's supposed to be. It's the parents gathered together saying, how do we work this? How are we supposed to handle these challenges and these difficulties?

The month of Ramadan, beloved brothers — it's an amazing community feeling here. Alhamdulillah, when you have Fajr with three, four hundred people; Isha with a thousand people; and the community iftars with seven, eight hundred people — everyone is together. But there are so many people who feel amazing and recharged when they are in these group spaces, but as soon as they leave, it's downhill, because their house has fallen apart. So as long as they are in this type of environment, they feel upbeat and they kind of numb themselves from their difficulties. But when they leave this environment, the reality hits them: there's too much going on in my home. And for many, they have no idea how to get out of that mess.

What are those issues? Those are relationship issues — with parents, with siblings, with in-laws, with spouses, of course with kids — all put together. That's one. Number two, it is an issue of: how do I get myself into deen in my home, because I don't have a conducive environment? Or: I'm trying my best to be on the deen, but I do not have any support. Number three: alhamdulillah, my spouse and I try our best to follow the deen — yes, we're not perfect — but how do I move this deen on to the next generation? And how do I make my children enjoy the deen as much as I do? Connect themselves with Allah as much as I want them to. So these are some real issues that all of us are going through, and we hope, inshallah, these sessions create an opportunity for us to work through this.

Hududullah — The Boundaries Laid Out by Allah

The other day when we were reading Surah Al-Baqarah in Taraweeh — the verses of Allah in Surah Al-Baqarah in the second juz — I've prepared it so many times growing up and I've obviously read it my whole life, but subhanAllah, a few nights ago when I was reading it in Salah, it hit me in a different manner as I was leading the Salah. I was thinking: Allah is speaking about talaq, divorce, and everything related to that in Surah Al-Baqarah, in the last portion of the second juz. And there is so much detail — first of all, about talaq — it's not such a simple thing which people think it is. There are a lot of nuances, a lot of details, a whole set of injunctions related to that.

But one thing that really caught my attention was the repeated phrase:

Which means: "Those are the boundaries laid out by Allah, so do not cross over them."

Allah says that if they both intend — أَن يُقِيمَا حُدُودَ اللَّهِ — to establish Allah's boundaries, then Allah will make ways and will make it happen. The word hududullah has been repeated multiple times within one to two pages — possibly more than anywhere else in the entire Quran. And what this makes us realize is that our relationships at home are not just my problem or her problem, or my problem or his problem. This is Allah laying it out. Allah is saying: these are My rules. It's not that I run the house the way I want to, or that I want you to run the house in a certain manner. No. The house runs the way Allah wants it. And He calls it hudud — the boundaries laid out by Allah. And He keeps saying: make sure you establish those boundaries, and make sure you don't cross over and jump over those boundaries.

So a mindset has to change. Like salah — you don't say, "Oh, I'm feeling very spiritual. When the imam said salam, I'm going to add another rakah. I'm going to pray five today, six today." You can't do that. Everyone would look at you: what are you doing? That's not salah — that's something else. You can pray sunnah, but you can't add to the fard. Similarly, our submission to Allah and how we do things is not only for salah, or fasting, or zakah — it also goes into our social life. How we deal at home: we really have to report to Allah on this. Not to my mom and dad, not to my in-laws. I have to report to Allah.

So just like how my beloved brothers and sisters keep on saying, "I want to be sincere in my ibadah — how can I increase my khushu? How can I improve my tajweed? How can my kids learn Quranic Arabic? How can my kids become hafidh?" — mashaAllah, these are amazing things because we want to become spiritual, we want to get connected to Allah. But we need to understand that what happens at home is 100% also ibadah. And we have to ask in that same manner: how do I work things at home so that when I come home, it's not a headache — it's the end of a headache? When I meet my spouse, it's not the start of a stomachache — it's subhanAllah, the removal and forgetting of all my problems because I've seen my spouse.

How is it that my kids are so excited to see me? That I'm excited to see my parents? That I want to enjoy time spending with my parents? These things, my beloved friends, should be a central part of our ibadah. When a person stops separating what happens in the masjid from what happens at home — that's the beginning of the journey.

Ramadan: A Training Ground for Controlling Our Emotions

Just like we follow the imam here, and we follow the Sheikh here — the same applies when we go home, to all of our relationships. Just like we do not allow emotions to come in between us in our salah, we cannot allow emotions to come between us in our relationships, especially at home.

There's no such thing as a knee-jerk reaction that's acceptable — or rather, yes, of course it happens. But the idea is that Ramadan is a very big assistant in trying to curb that — where we start regulating our emotions and developing self-control. Yes, he or she said something really upsetting, really frustrating. But subhanAllah, through the barakah of fasting, I haven't eaten or drunk anything for 12, 14 hours — whatever the case may be — I can definitely and honestly focus on learning how to drink my angerKadhm al-ghayth — that's the word — to literally, as they say in Urdu also, drink your anger.

Just think about it. I am working against my nafs to do things which are almost impossible for people to believe you can do — fasting for 18 hours, 16 hours in the hot summer, in parts of the world where it is summer right now. People say: what, your 8-year-olds are doing it? Your 10-year-olds? Where there's a will, there's a way. MashaAllah, sometimes 5-year-olds do it. Alhamdulillah.

But my beloved brothers and sisters, dear moms and dads — just like that, we have to learn how to fast from caving into our knee-jerk reactions, caving into our emotional outbursts and text message outbursts. She might say something to you completely inappropriate over text. Now, how do you respond to that? It's one hour left for Maghrib. You're at work or you're in the masjid reading Quran — buzz, buzz, buzz. You look at it and you see old stories coming up. Stuff that happened last month, last year. How do you respond to this? Should you close your mushaf and get into World War III over texting? You're in the middle of work — should you leave your customers, leave your clients and start this? You're driving home — should you lose focus on the road to start texting?

How do we regulate these emotions? Ramadan — if not now, then when? If we can't do it now, when are we going to be able to do it? When we're already doing something huge — giving up food and drink the whole day.

So this is where the discussion lies: this is hududullah. In your mind, you and I need to tell ourselves: this is not about me. These are the boundaries laid out by Allah. My in-laws might be very nice people, my children might be nice people, my parents might be nice people — but I have to face Allah. What is going to happen about this situation? That's the first ayah that caught my attention a few nights ago.

Forgiveness, Taqwa, and Graciousness at the Time of Divorce

Then, on the next page, Allah speaks about when a divorce is taking place. The issue of mahr comes up — the marriage has not been consummated. How much of the mahr needs to be given? The Quran says: give at least half of what was already agreed upon. Although the marriage was not consummated, hearts were attached. It's not easy. So give a parting gift.

Allah says: unless someone decides to forgive. She might say, "You're not loaded with money, and I don't actually need the money. We're both suffering — use that mahr towards your actual real life." Or he might say, "Whatever the mahr was, this heartache is nothing compared to the money. Maybe you can go for Umrah, for Hajj, help your parents." Although the Shariah says he doesn't need to give the full amount, he gives it anyway.

Then Allah says: if you are in a state of back and forth, and you choose the high road and forgive — this is much closer to taqwa.

I deal a lot with divorcing, wanting-to-divorce, and already-divorced couples. And I see the level of vengeance and anger in people — not just at the time of divorce, but subhanAllah, years later. Many who are sitting here might relate to what I'm saying — or you know somebody going through this situation. Either one or both partners end up dedicating their life to vengeance: "I've been hurt so bad. I'm just going to dedicate my whole life to ruining and tarnishing the image of the other person, attacking their honor." It doesn't have to be like that. It shouldn't be like that.

Allah is saying: you're in the midst of a divorce, but if you take the high road and you actually forgive your ex and your ex's family — that is much closer to taqwa. Now, alhamdulillah — those who say, "Brother, I'm not going to divorce, but we have issues, we have arguments" — if Allah is speaking to the people going through a divorce, what about you and I who just have small arguments at home? How are we supposed to deal?

Allah is saying that if you forgive, it is aqrab — it is closest to taqwa. What's the purpose of the fasting you and I are engaged in? Taqwa. Everyone knows this:

Fasting has been prescribed upon you the way it was prescribed on the previous nations, so that you may attain taqwa. The purpose of fasting was to inculcate God-consciousness. And Allah says: if you forgive people at that time, when your anger is at an all-time high — you are going to gain taqwa.

Now the next part. Allah says: do not forget to be graceful with one another at this time. Go the extra, not mile — maybe even a hundred miles — by being graceful to your ex's family and your ex. Ya Allah, how can I do this? It's so painful, it's so tough. But Allah says it. And how does the ayah end?

"Indeed, Allah is all-watchful over what you do." That's why you have to be graceful. Because you are not making a business deal with your ex. You are doing this with Allah. "Ya Allah, I'm in pain, I'm so hurt — I'm going to forgive for Your sake." There aren't that many people like that. Think about it.

Divorce: The Most Hated Halal

One big reason divorce is so common now — and I'm telling you this as someone constantly involved in these matters, as any imam will tell you — is that sabr, forbearance, patience, is simply non-existent. If you actually look at the crux of the issue, it is absolutely not something that cannot be handled. Our parents' generation went through ten times worse than that. But chup chup — they stayed quiet. Someone was quiet — either dad was quiet or mom was quiet — and they were married, mashaAllah, for 55 years, 60 years, 45 years.

And now, subhanAllah — you've got three kids under 7, and now you're in courts. Everything you earned and she earned in the past three, five years is going down in legal fees. And your kids are watching this whole spectacle. Over what? Over some petty issue.

Think from a very calm perspective: is this a thing worth destroying? Because once you create a tear in the family, it's always going to go downward from there. It's very hard. I know people — three generations of divorce, back to back. And many times it involves a certain pattern: "My mom lived her whole life divorced, so I guess I can do it too. My grandmother lived her whole life divorced, so I guess I can do it too."

It was called abghadhul halal — the worst halal. The most repugnant, most hated thing to Allah. Talaq. Hated by Allah. But it's called halal because there are certain times when you actually have to use it.

There are times — for example, someone is extremely mentally ill and you simply do not have the ability or capacity to handle that. I know multiple cases where within the first week or first month of marriage, a person finds out that their spouse is schizophrenic. "I never signed up for this. I was lied to. I had no idea." Then you have to have some next level of ihsan and taqwa to say, "Done is done — I'm going to make sabr." You could do that. But you don't have to, because it's simply a tall order.

So alhamdulillah, the deen is not oppressive. There are times when you have to find your way out. However, that should be the absolute last thing. All of us sitting here, whether you're married for five years, three years, or fifty years — understand that the thought of divorce can come in at any time. Don't ever think, "Alhamdulillah, I've been happily married for 49 years, so everything's going to be fine." I'm saying this now — people are literally filing for divorce after 45 years. The kids are all married. This is what Shaitan is doing today.

The Satanic Era We Are Living In

There is such a strong push towards lust today — fulfillment of lustful desires, absolutely despicable, animalistic, obscene. That's not unique to any particular group of shayateen. I want you to understand what type of era we live in — a genuine satanic era. Even in the month of Ramadan. Even in the Haram Sharif. Everywhere. You can't hide from this. The only way is to protect yourself. Imagine it's so bitterly cold and you have no walls and no heat — wherever you go, the cold is coming at you. What do you do? You have to just bundle up. That's all you've got. You have to bundle yourself up, bundle up your spouse, and bundle up your kids. There is no running away from this.

I have sisters, 55-year-old women, calling me saying, "What do I do? My husband is having an affair." I had a 14-year-old maktab student come to me — his dad gave him his phone for something, and he opened it up and saw many inappropriate pictures and messages going back and forth. Now this 14-year-old is coming to his Ustadh asking: Do I tell my mom? Do I address this to my father?

Imagine the type of challenges a 14-year-old has to go through. You might want to know what I answered. I was about to give a khutbah in another state. He said, "Sheikh, I need 30 seconds, I need a quick answer." I said: what comes to mind is that the imam — who knew this father — needs to call him in, and then be the bad cop, or bring someone else as the bad cop if needed. And simply say: there's a straight way and a crooked way. Which one are you going to take? Because if this word gets out, you're going to lose your house, your kids, your family. You won't be able to show your face in society. Or — I'm ready to work with you. No one needs to know about this. But I will be the middleman to help restore your son's faith in you and get you back on track. Because the fact that you went into this extramarital affair — it came from somewhere. There's something wrong in your marriage. So where's the issue?

And even if the father denies everything — it doesn't matter. Your 14-year-old has completely lost trust in you. So we still have a problem. We still have to restore his trust, because otherwise, how are you going to go home when your 14-year-old thinks this about his father? The cat is out of the bag. We've got to sort this out.

Salah, Focus, and the Home as a Place of Ibadah

Why am I sharing these things in the masjid? It's like a doctor coming to speak about diabetes or cancer — sharing staggering statistics of how people are dying from this disease. The idea is not to create a morbid environment. The idea is to warn us and make sure we change our ways of living. Start eating healthy, start living healthy. The idea is to wake us up.

We are emphasizing on beautifying and cleansing the external aspects of our life — the masjid carpet, the paint, the granite — while things are completely falling apart in our homes. So how are we going to work on this?

After mentioning talaq and after mentioning that taqwa comes through forgiveness and taking the higher road and being graceful, and that Allah is watchful — Allah then says:

Be very punctual on your prayers and the middle prayer — Asr Salah, among many opinions. And stand up in front of Allah in Salah with absolute focus, absolute humility, with absolute dedication to your worship. Notice how Salah comes in right after the verses on divorce and family matters. That is my message for this Ramadan.

Every one of us — let us focus on our home. Who is suffering right now? Honestly, more than the husband and wife, the ones paying the price are the kids. Right now, for a husband and wife living together in harmony, raising children with proper tarbiyah is already so challenging. When mom and dad go to sleep, the pillow talk is about the kids. Breakfast talk is about the kids. Lunchtime text messages are about the kids. And then imagine if there is no pillow talk, but screaming from different rooms — and talk via lawyers is about using children as collateral, as pawns, as chess pieces, as threats against the spouse. If that's what's going to happen, what's going to happen to this poor generation of children?

Have you seen a National Geographic documentary where a cheetah or a lion in Africa is looking for its next meal — and it sees a wildebeest or a bunch of antelopes moving? Who do they go after? They go after the baby, the fawn. And when do they pounce? When the parents are distracted. When the parents are busy with the others. When the mom and dad are looking elsewhere. They pounce when the mom and dad are trying to do their own hunt.

Honestly, mamta — as they say — motherhood is so amazing. And fatherhood is so amazing. You just see the way the mom makes an effort to take care of her baby, and the way the father tries to take care of his flock, his pride — Allahu Akbar. There's something ajeeb about this relationship.

And I read this painful story yesterday. Bear with me.

This is a tweet. It comes from Drop Site News: "In the town of Talusa, near the Israeli border, in the Marjayoun district of Nabatieh Governorate in Lebanon — 62-year-old Ahmad Tarmas received a call yesterday from someone identifying as the Israeli army. He was asked whether Tarmas wished to die alone or with his family. He chose to face death by himself and left the home he was in. Minutes later, a drone strike killed him in his car. Similar incidents have occurred in southern Lebanon, with victims receiving death calls before being assassinated by Israel," journalist Radwan Murtada writes.

SubhanAllah. A dad — just imagine, as you're walking out, you can't tell your wife you're not going to see her again. You can't tell your kids. You have to quietly distract them and walk out of the house. SubhanAllah, this is happening live. May Allah have mercy on the Ummah, and may He allow the rest of the Ummah to awaken and turn towards Allah. For indeed, the solutions to all of this only lie with Allah. And the first step is our own individual repentance. The first step is our own awakening. He went to Jannah, inshallah — a shaheed. And his wife is a widow of a shaheed; with patience, she will get her own Jannah. But what about us? Where do we stand today?

Shaitan is using that same tactic with us. Try to get the parents busy with one another — arguing and fighting — and the goal is to grab the little ones. One of my asatidha told me — he said it to me in Urdu and it just gave me tears in my eyes — he said: Shaitan is just waiting. When the generation of your elders, your parents, leaves this world, Shaitan will take the children away. Shaitan is just waiting for the parents' generation to pass away.

And think of how true these words are. Whatever deen we have left in our community and society — how much of it genuinely is because of the grandparents? Or because of those parents who received good tarbiyah and are holding the fort down? But when those elders are gone, what exactly is going to happen to us?

The Home as a Sanctuary of Worship

It's high time that each one of us realizes that Ramadan and being spiritual really starts with what's happening in our home. Let us alhamdulillah enjoy these public spaces and the excitement of Ramadan. But my dear friends, let's focus on our private spaces. Make our private spaces even more enjoyable than our public spaces.

This is one of the athar and statements of a Sahabi, where he said:

The best place of worship for a believer is his house.

What does that mean? Don't go to the masjid? No. It means: your home is a place where you can focus on your ibadah, where it is conducive to worship Allah. You have created such an environment that there's Quran being recited out loud. Today, mashaAllah, after Fajr — it was such a beautiful scene. From Fajr at 5:30 until at least 7:45, there was a loud buzzing sound of Quran in the masjid for two hours. What an environment. And that has to happen at home. Because even if you don't feel like reading, when everyone else is reading you think: what am I doing on my phone? You get up, pick up a mushaf, and start reading.

The ulema explain this ayah:

"O our Lord, grant us the coolness of our eyes in our spouses and our children." The ulema of tafsir say: the greatest happiness a man can get is when he sees his children and his spouse in the worship of Allah. You come home, one is in salah, two are doing dhikr, one is reading Quran — that's the goal.

The goal is to see whatever we see outside on the qiyam nights replicated in our home. Say inshallah — we're going to work on this. Taking the spirituality from the masjid and taking it home.

Because the masjid has become a "third space" for some people. It's 9pm — they can't be at work, and they can't be at home because of too much fighting. The masjid is a sanctuary for everybody — and alhamdulillah — but you should also be able to go back to your home. That's my point.

Q&A: Questions from the Community

What books do you recommend for families to read together?

Lots and lots of them. Alhamdulillah, very good question. When we read a book together, it gives us an opportunity to not be calling the shots, being the police at home, being accused of being judgmental. When you do a halaqa at home, let the book do the talking. Maybe the kids can explain what they understood. But when we add commentary full of mirch masala — the spices — it ruins it. "See, this hadith is about you." And then: "Well, this hadith is about you." And that ta'leem went down the drain.

Today the problem is: the women read all the hadith that are meant for the men, and the men read all the hadith that are meant for women. That's why we're not benefiting. The poor are reading all the hadith meant for the rich, and the rich are reading all the hadith meant for the poor. It doesn't work like that. You have to read the hadith that are meant for you. Each person should focus on the hadith that's there for them. If the husband is only reading the section on the rights of the husband, and the wife is only reading the section on the rights of the wife — how is this going to work?

From the books you can read — mashallah, so many. Comprehensive books of hadith are good. Reading comprehensive books that cover how we wake up, how we sleep, how we eat, how we drink, complete social life — Riyad al-Saliheen is a very well-known book. Get a three-volume Riyad al-Saliheen — it's published in South Africa, red color. It has a nice commentary. We usually have it at the Dar es Salaam bookstore.

Then there is a book called Downpour of Blessings, by Khalid Baig. This is also a re-adaptation of Ma'arif al-Hadith. A beautiful book. Goes through all different sections and has a very modern-day commentary. That's a good collection of hadith as well, with commentary.

Second — a very powerful source of inspiration is the stories of the Sahaba and Sahabiyat, young and old. Wallahi, it's amazing — the power the stories of the Sahaba carry. The best, most comprehensive book in that is Hayat al-Sahaba, of Shaykh Yusuf al-Kandhlawi, rahmatullahi alayh. There is a new translation that has come out — much easier to read, because Hayat al-Sahaba is deep and sometimes needs a little explanation.

You know Sahih al-Bukhari? The secret of Sahih al-Bukhari, as you may have heard, is in the Tarjamat al-Bab — the chapter headings. Similarly, Hayat al-Sahaba's key strength is in its chapter headings. If you just spend a few minutes reading through the table of contents, you'll get what I'm saying. You will never find a table of contents anywhere else like this. The focus on the Sahaba's life from so many dimensions and perspectives — you cannot find it elsewhere. That is why every single major Arab publisher in the Middle East has their own edition of it. It's one of the most sold books in every bookstore.

There is a new one-volume translation — it's blue, soft cover, called Companions of the Prophet, I believe — sold at Makkah Books. That is something I would also recommend. Similarly, the Hayat al-Sahaba section from Fada'il al-A'mal of Shaykh Zakariyya al-Kandhlawi — that's been published separately, very nicely. Just go to Makkah Books and search "Stories of Prophets" or "Stories of Sahaba." That would be a great place to start for reading at home.

A Three-Pronged Approach: Ta'leem, Dhikr, and Du'a

My Ustadh almost took an oath and said: I guarantee you — do ta'leem of Hayat al-Sahaba for six weeks in your home, and then tell me your problems have not been solved. What did the psychologists say? To change habits, it takes 6 weeks — 40 days. Within 6 weeks, you're doing a realignment of the mindset. That's what's happening. And it's not just the wife or the husband going for counseling. The whole house is going to get together and get counseled by the Sahaba. We're going to get a realignment. That's why it's so effective.

Number two: Dhikr. Every one of us — let's buy a pack of 12 tasbih beads. Keep one on your fireplace, one by your kitchen table, one on your side table, one in your car, one in your purse or pocket. Wherever it is — this reminds you of the dhikr of Allah. Every single day after you finish ta'leem, do a halaqa of dhikr — 10 minutes, 5 minutes. One tasbih — any 100 times. Istighfar 100 times. Salat al-nabi 100 times. Third Kalimah — SubhanAllah, Alhamdulillah, La ilaha illallah. You don't have to do 100 — you can start with 50.

Number three: Du'a. Collective du'a. How many of you do collective du'a at home every day? In Ramadan? The power is in the collective du'a. May Allah reward our parents' generation — this was a very common thing. Everyone comes together at iftar time, suhoor time, or even outside of Ramadan doing du'a together. That's where unity gets built.

My beloved friends, we have to play together, vacation together, do all kinds of things together — but we also have to pray together. When a husband and wife sit together and make du'a — the wife makes du'a and the husband says ameen, the husband makes du'a and the wife says ameen — it completely changes the dynamic.

I know some of us, when we first got married on our honeymoon, we probably did that. It's cute, it's nice. But 15 years later, you still have to do it. It really builds your connection with your spouse in a manner that nothing else does — doing ibadah together.

One of my colleagues, Burhan Abdul Halim, told me: his mom and dad, for about three to four decades — until his father passed away two or three years ago — every single day, his mom and dad would wake up for Tahajjud Salah. In America. In the state of Florida. Every single day. And his father would read one manzil — about one-seventh of the Quran — in Tahajjud every night, with his mom praying behind him. You tell me: if a husband and wife read Tahajjud together, can they honestly argue like cats and dogs during the day?

And you know how he passed away? He got up for Tahajjud, was making wudu, slipped and fell, and passed away.

"The way you live your life is the way you will die, and the way you die is the way you will be raised up."

What a way to die. May Allah have mercy on him. And may Allah create our relationships with our spouses like this. Say: Allahumma ameen. That we pray Tahajjud together, that we make du'a together. It can happen. It can happen tonight. It doesn't have to be seven juz or one juz. It could literally be the last ten surahs. But do it.

How should you go about marriage if you committed sins before? What if your spouse finds out later?

First of all: you do not need to expose your past. If you are sincerely repenting, you do not need to expose your past. Just think about the mushrikeen — can there be any greater sin than shirk and kufr? A revert brother wants to know what to say about his past. The answer is: move on. Yes, if someone asks you directly, you don't have to lie. Say: "Listen, whatever happened — that was a past life." When Islam says:

Islam destroys and forgives everything that happened before it — that's gone. That's not me. That's a different person. Why would I bring it up if I am truly repenting?

But if you are still involved in something right now and it's ongoing — that's a different story. Now, the issue is if he or she finds out. I'll give you a case study. On the first night of marriage, a young man called me. He loved his wife, she loved him — but he said he had some past sins involving watching haram. Which, unfortunately, has become something like a standard defect — that's how common it has become. I tell the young men: if you know somebody who has never watched haram, go take bay'ah at his hands — he's your sheikh. That's how common this has become.

So why did he have to tell his spouse on the first night together? Shaitan made him do that. That is not the time — ever — to say something like that. So please: do not expose your faults, even in your most so-called vulnerable, lovey-dovey moments — girls and guys — as long as you have repented. The past is past.

Now, if someone does find out — honesty, as-sidq yunjee, being truthful is the way to go. I deal with a lot of problems in the community. But I have one rule: if you lie to me, I'm done. Because I don't charge. I sacrifice my time and life to spend time helping you. The least I need is trust. If you can't give me that, I can't help you. Unless you come to me and say, "Sheikh, I am a habitual liar from a young age — can you help me?" Alright, alhamdulillah, we'll work on that. But lying about ongoing things — it's not going to work. So please, don't lie to your spouse. Be honest: "This is who I am, and the reason I hid it is because the deen teaches us not to broadcast our past." But if it's something ongoing and still happening — that's a different story entirely.

How can we foster better communication between children and their grandparents, given that many children are resistant to traditional lecturing or nagging?

Very good question. What we need to do is — as moms and dads — keep giving targheeb and encouragement to our children about the status of the grandparents. Tell the kids: "When your dada, dadi, nana, nani are saying something, your job is not to respond to everything. You don't have to engage with everything. You can just sit and listen. And subhanAllah, you will remember these conversations."

How many of us who have lost our grandparents remember the conversations we had with them? I quote my dada often. MashaAllah, he was a very strict person. I'll give you an example: I was playing with my dump trucks as a kid, and my dada said, "Bhai, go grab water." I didn't want to waste time, so I went and filled a glass from the closest sink — which was the vanity sink in the bathroom. I gave it to him. He said: "You brought me water from the bathroom?! That's against etiquette." I didn't know that at that time. And now I learned it. Another time I brought him water holding the glass like this. He said: "Bhai, lota lao, lota — this is how you give a glass: one hand underneath, one hand holding it, ideally in a tray." I was five or six years old. We got lectured, we didn't like it at the time — but alhamdulillah, may Allah fill his grave with nur, Allahumma ameen. And grant him sadaqah jariyya from everything I do.

The point is: tell your children, "You're never going to get this again. Nobody is going to love you the way your grandparents do. Their time is short. Your cousins don't have the opportunity that you have — living with dada, dadi, nana, nani. This is a special thing."

A few years ago, my son was sitting on the sofa reading a book, and my mother, hafidhaAllah, walked by. She called him by name and said: "Sit up straight." He scooted a little. She said again: "Sit up straight." He scooted a little more, not sure what she meant. And then she said: "Sit in a manner so that your feet are not pointing toward your father." That touched me — honestly, I never gave that tarbiyah in that specific way. Many of the elders sitting here will tell you: you never in your life dreamed of doing that to your dad. Now — is it our children's fault that they're doing it? No. It's because we're not telling them. Why are we not telling them? Because we come from a so-called different era. But the deen is all about adab. Deenu kulluhu adab. And where you get that perspective from? Your elders. Your grandparents.

So explain to your kids: this nagging you're experiencing — one day you're going to cry over it. "Ya Allah, I miss my dada and nani. They're never coming back again." May Allah allow us to benefit from them.

My children are warm and obedient but keep forgetting what they're told, repeatedly. How do we handle that?

You know — I'm a dad too, and I forget in both situations. There are things my father tells me, hafidhaAllah, that I genuinely forget. And it upsets him. And why in the world would I intentionally want to upset my dad? I speak about the rights of parents so much. I know there's no khair for me in this dunya or akhirah if I upset my dad. But I genuinely forget certain things — and I have to blame it on Shaitan. I never intend to forget. But I forget. And naturally he gets upset. And I say: ya Allah, please forgive me and protect me from this Shaitan that's coming between me and my father.

Then I have to remember: the same Shaitan that made me forget to do something my dad asked me is the same Shaitan making my son forget to do what I'm asking him. But does that khabees Shaitan make me remember that when I get upset at my son? No. And I'm being very vulnerable with you right now — this is how it is for all of us.

Our children might not be treating us the way we treated our dads — tayyib. I'm not saying they shouldn't. InshaAllah, if you work hard, they will treat you better than you treated your dad. But probably they are still treating you better than a lot of their classmates are treating their dads. Remember that part. So when they keep on forgetting and they don't listen — how does a teacher respond when a student in Sunday school or Islamic school is not listening? Does he berate them? He'd get fired for that. It doesn't work like that.

That same love and compassion we have with everyone else's kids at the masjid — we have to bring that home. If someone is not listening to you, sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation. "Can you please tell me what's going on? Why are you not able to do it? Maybe there are some roadblocks — let's figure out what the obstacles are and try to solve them together." How would a good manager speak to someone on his team? "I see you haven't completed this task in four days. Let's sit down — what are the obstacles? Let's solve those obstacles together." That's what I would suggest as the way forward with our kids.

May Allah grant me tawfeeq to practice on this, and may Allah grant all of us the ability to bring the kindness we show to others outside our homes — and bring it home. Allahumma ameen.