Completing Half Your Deen - Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed

Introduction: Why This Topic Matters

Today we're going to be talking about completing half your deen. This is a topic that I'm very passionate about. As you all know, or some of you might have heard, I work for an organization called Ihsan Coaching, where we help individuals, premarital couples and marital couples with whatever issues that they're dealing with. Alhamdulillah. You can check us out on ihsancoaching.com.

This is a topic that I'm very passionate about because I got married when I was 20 years old and I had no idea what I was doing when I got married. And now being a therapist for over 10 plus years, working with thousands of couples, dealing with this on an almost daily basis, I feel like we don't prepare enough for marriage. We don't prepare our young adults for what lies ahead of them. And this is why this topic is so important — because we need to know what we're getting ourselves into, and we need to know how to be successful.

The divorce rate right now in the Muslim community is one out of every three Muslims — 33.3%. And so that's why we have this talk today, asking: how can we get prepared? What can we do? What are the steps to make sure that we're successful, insha'Allah?

What Does "Nikah is Half Your Deen" Truly Mean?

The first question is: we hear the hadith that the nikah is half your religion. What does this truly mean? What does that entail? And what do you say to people who don't really see the value in marriage — because of all the divorces that are happening, they don't want to lose their freedom, they want to have fun, they say, "What's the point? I'm going to give half my wealth up."

Let us make niyyah that we are here to benefit, to learn. Whatever good we hear, we will practice on it immediately. Whatever good we hear, we'll share it with others.

Since this is also Laylatul Qadr, I'm very aware of that. It's a big night for me, it's a big night for all of us. Nonetheless, I still see a lot of value in what we're doing. When you said nisfuddin — that gives you the value. If I can help even one of you, whoever is listening, find the right spouse, I think it's a successful night for me. If I can help one of you who is already married but is in huge problems, and I can help take care of your marriage, it's a success for both of us. So this is one of the biggest forms of ibadah — to help guide someone.

I'm hoping insha'Allah tonight this discussion of ours not only is beneficial for those who are sitting here, but may Allah allow this discussion to spread across the globe and may Allah give it a means of teaching lessons and hidayah and guidance to thousands and thousands of people across the globe in different ways, by allowing you all to be inspired.

Whether I see some fathers, some grandfathers, some youngsters — mostly youngsters — I want all of us to make du'a: "Ya Allah, whatever I need to hear, whatever I'm going through, whatever issues I'm going through, whatever my son or daughter is going through, whatever my mom and dad are going through — ya Allah, allow me to be able to hear something beneficial in this talk that will address my specific problem." I want all of you to make this du'a right now in your heart. And insha'Allah, if you make sincere du'a, then we'll have an outstanding conversation here.

The reason why this is such an important topic to address — we could have spoken about something else, or we could use nikah on another night — is because exactly of that. If someone is not tonight in this masjid, maybe he's got a long shift or night shift, okay, it's understandable. But if he's married and his marriage is going well, that's good, he's safe. But someone's in the masjid, unfortunately, but his marriage is going down the drain. Or he's not even married and he's fallen into sin left and right — then his time in the masjid also is not safe.

I had a shake-up this morning — a big shake-up. Someone came and confessed to me about issues he was having, and also confessed about the reason he was having those issues — because of so much haram. I just never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that this person could really end up in a sin — not "could end up," but rather did do all of this while also keeping a straight face. That really just shocked me. Although I've heard and seen so many things, this kind of person — someone you think is, you know, beyond that, especially on this type of stuff — it just makes you recognize how weak we are in terms of our nafs, and in terms of the attacks of Shaytan. If it isn't for Allah's protection, we won't stand a chance.

And mind you, for those brothers who are married here — the shocking thing I'm sharing with you was from someone who is a father of multiple children. And I'm just like, what in the world is going on?

So usually people think these talks are for little kids — drop off my kid and go home. These talks that we have in the night — midnight conversations or candlelight conversations — are not only for youth and adolescents. Honestly, these talks are necessary for fathers as much as they're necessary for mothers, as much as they're necessary for the youth. So never put your guard down.

That tells you that the human weakness of lust is such a big weakness that it doesn't make a difference who you are, where you came from, how senior you are in your deen, whether it's Ramadan or outside of Ramadan. And unfortunately it doesn't even make a difference, at times — not always, but at times — if you are even married. You have to learn how to control lust, otherwise there's no end to it. And so this is a wake-up call for all of us.

Why Marriage Protects Half of Your Deen

Marriage — why is it such a deal? Why is it half of your deen? Because the majority of people go to Hell for two reasons: one is their tongue, and one is their private parts. That's what Rasulullah ﷺ said:

"Whoever guarantees for me what is between his jaws and what is between his thighs, I will guarantee for him Paradise." (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 6474)

Control your tongue. Control your lust, your sin. So Nabi ﷺ saying that nikah is half of your deen — because most people who are not predisposed to some serious issues, or who are not surrounded by some other type of filth, marriage usually is very powerful in protecting them from falling into sin. So if a person gets married, then at least 50% of his sins are taken care of. And now alhamdulillah, that's half of your deen. That is one of the many reasons.

The Crisis Among Muslim Youth

Research from a family and youth institute in Michigan on Muslim college students found that 53% of Muslim males in college and 47% of Muslim females in college have had premarital relations before marriage.

So when is the right time to get married? And for those parents out here — how do young people convince their parents to get married at an early age? Because you probably have heard: "Get your degree first, earn money, then get married." But we're seeing that people cannot control themselves.

Our parents need to know what's happening. This discussion — our moms and dads need to hear whatever we're going to talk about and whatever we're discussing. That's how it is — they just don't know. They have no idea what their kids are going through. No one is really willing to have a very straight-up conversation with them. And it's kind of — you're kind of shy when speaking to your dad and mom about these types of things usually. So this is the problem. It's not even that they are trying to harm the kids. They just don't know. And there needs to be a learning curve. There needs to be education on these issues, these topics, these statistics, these studies. Stories need to be shared with audiences of men and women, parents, all over.

I spoke a few times about zina over the past few months in several masajid and it was an overwhelming response. People coming up to me and saying, "Thank you so much, this is such an important topic, we never heard this being discussed." People who are married, people who are with children — they're coming and telling me, "Thank you so much." The reason is because I know this is one of the most common issues. I tell parents that it's like bottled water — that's how common haram is now. It's so common.

We are thinking that our children are being raised in the era of the 60s and 70s, where these things were simply not available with such ease. I think one way to bring this up is to actually share with them what happens on campus, what happens in high school, or have someone else speak about it. Education is very, very key and important to this.

The Permissive Culture and Its Consequences

I see a lot of college students come in and they're doing excellent in school. Then all of a sudden their grades fall. Parents always call me — they say, "I don't know what happened with my son." So I talk to them, and every single time it's the same thing: they fell in love with a girl, or the girl fell in love with a guy, then all of a sudden they broke up, now their grades are slipping, they're depressed, they can't think of or do anything, and now they're lost.

The problem is our culture. It just allows all those things that the previous culture never allowed. My mother says that when she was in medical school in India in the 60s, you would never catch even a Hindu girl talking to a boy — forget about Muslim girls. In India, the culture was: you don't do these things in public. And now the culture is, you enter a lobby of most masajid and you see a guy and a girl just chilling there, talking, one-on-one.

On any university campus, before Jumu'ah, after Jumu'ah, after the MSA event, before or after iftar — I spoke at one iftar once. On the way out, I literally asked the brother who took me to the car, "How many pairs of siblings do you have here?" And he said, "What do you mean?" I said, "The way I saw the interaction at iftar between these guys and girls is even more friendly than a brother and sister at home." Everyone's got their sleeves rolled up, "Hey, hey, sister, brother," sitting there literally bumping shoulders against one another, sitting at the same table, serving each other. That tells you how permissive our culture has become to allow these things. That's a problem.

The line has become so blurry. The haram no longer feels like haram. This is the problem. The fitrah — we're losing our fitrah. And that's very dangerous.

The fitna that naturally arises — anyone is susceptible to it. That's not just you or me. That one person who called me this morning — after being married and falling into sin — it was because someone working in the office had extremely provocative clothing, and so that created such lust that it had to be fulfilled elsewhere. So even if you are a father or a mother, you are never safe. How can you say a 19 or 20-year-old is safe?

That's why I've heard many ulema say: the reason this LGBTQ door has opened is because the door of zina opened. If we had closed the door of zina, we'd never have had this problem. The fact that we opened that door — it's too late. When the first gate is open, the robbers, the criminals, are already inside the house. They're not just going to open the storm door and ransack the place. So if you want to get at the heart of LGBTQ, you cannot start the conversation at LGBTQ. You have to start the conversation at general zina.

This is a serious issue. Why is it that we say, "Oh, my child, I hope they don't become this," but you don't mind them having an opposite-gender girlfriend? What is that supposed to mean? It seems like people say, "Oh, he ran off with a non-Muslim — okay, I know that's bad." But why are you okay with them running off with a Muslim? Or not running off — just spending time with a Muslim? This is the issue that we must address.

Allah says: "Do you believe in a portion of the Book and disbelieve in a portion of the Book?" It seems the order regarding zina — we don't care about anymore.

The Severity of Zina in the Quran

We just made a long du'a. All of you probably were coming from a du'a or you're already hearing the du'a. We begged and we cried. May Allah accept. And we know this is the night of mercy — "Most merciful Allah, He sent the most merciful Prophet."

What does that merciful Allah tell the merciful Prophet ﷺ? He tells him: if someone has been caught committing fornication — once — and he confesses to it, or there are four witnesses who saw it, Allah says in Surah An-Nur:

"The female fornicator and the male fornicator — flog each one of them a hundred lashes. And let not pity for them overcome you in the religion of Allah, if you believe in Allah and the Last Day. And let a group of the believers witness their punishment."

I'm not a bodybuilder. But even the bodybuilders from here would probably not last more than four or five lashes from trained professionals — executioners who have proper large whips that will make you scream that could be heard on the other end of town. Allah says: take that whip and flog him a hundred times. Both of them. And then says — that most merciful Allah — "Make sure you do not soften up. Make sure you do not allow your emotion to overtake you. Go all out." And then: "And let a large group of believers witness this punishment." This punishment should not be meted out in some prison or dungeon — it needs to be in the presence of a huge large group of believers. People have to see it. People have to witness it. Because if you were to see that, you could never forget it in your life.

A hundred lashes, my friend. This is not some old lady's tale I'm sharing with you. This is Surah An-Nur. And Allah is saying that this has to happen because this sin is cancer. It is a cancer. When you find a drug dealer — why do some countries have rules that if a drug dealer is caught, it's a capital punishment? Because it will destroy society. So zina is something that destroys society. It opens up so many problems that we cannot even count and enumerate. It destroys the family structure. It separates husband from wife. It closes the door of people wanting to get married.

When you get stuff for free, why do you get married? This is the real reason why youth don't want to get married. One person specifically said — astaghfirullah — "If I get my needs fulfilled for free, why should I take on expenses?" And that's exactly what it is today. So I want you to understand that this sin, if it's prevalent in our society, then there is no way we are going to move forward. Not possible.

A hadith mentions that whenever zina becomes common in our society, Allah sends such diseases that their forefathers have never heard of. Every other person now — AIDS is of course one. From autism to cancer — what are we dealing with? Just now when someone shared news of their daughter getting this, their son-in-law getting that — ya Allah — everyone's got some crazy disease in their immediate family. So we're dealing with the wrath of Allah. Yes, the wrath of Allah can come in many different ways. But there's something there that's unexplainable. The doctors can spend trillions and billions of dollars to try to treat it, but where did autism come from? Where did cancer come from? Where did AIDS come from? We're not sure. You've already spent a hundred billion on this — what's going on? This is more than likely the ghadab and the wrath of Allah, and where is that coming from? It's because of our sins.

So this is a very serious issue — that even a masjid-going crowd, a Ramadan tarawih-praying, Ramadan-observing crowd is unfortunately extremely involved in this sin.

The Punishment for Zina After Marriage

If someone is married and then they still choose to have an affair — game over. Done. This person has such a cancer that we can't fix him. The leg needs to be amputated. They need to be pelted with stones until they're killed. Not shot, not injection, not gas chamber — pelted with stones. The Prophet ﷺ — during a time when there was no gas chamber, it could have been a simple sword, an arrow, quick and easy — but no. It's got to be something that the world will never forget. That people will never forget. That this is the punishment for the one who, after marriage, decides to commit zina.

My ustaz who passed away — may Allah elevate his status and grant him happiness — he taught for 18-19 years in Madrasa Sulaymaniyya in Mecca before he came to South Africa and taught us there. He said: "I challenge you to find in the annals of history any one example in which the hadd punishment for zina was meted out based on witnesses." He said there's no record of that. Because to prove it through witnesses is nearly impossible. The only cases you find in the Seerah are of people coming forward and acknowledging that they committed it.

So I want to make you rest at ease — Islam is not giving permission to four people to say, "We don't like this guy, let's go to the qadi and say this guy committed zina." It doesn't work like that. The fiqh of it, the hadith of it — basically, circumstantial evidence is not acceptable. It has to be absolutely explicit, beyond any shadow of doubt. Until four people do not witness it to that level — not only is it not accepted, but if three people come and say, "We saw two people hanging out, so we think they did X, Y, Z," the Qur'an says:

Lash them — eighty times, every witness. Every witness is going to be lashed eighty times. "How dare you came to court with information that was not 100% what is required? Why did you three come? I needed four." So is it possible to find four people to witness to that level? That's why he said: in the annals of history, you cannot find any example of people getting this punishment because of what people said. It happened only because of acknowledgement.

Now, that command is in the Qur'an already. It's still present. Although we don't have a system in the world in which this is established, it's still so important to reflect on this verse. Because every single time and instance — even tonight — wherever this sin is happening across the globe, it rattles the throne of Allah and it makes Allah so angry. Just because you're not caught doesn't mean Allah doesn't know you. Just because you didn't come and acknowledge it doesn't mean Allah doesn't know you. It's all under the watchful eye of Allah.

So we wonder: why is Allah's help not coming? Just take this one sin — of how prevalent it has become in society, across Muslim countries and across non-Muslim lands as well. That's the answer, my friends. We have angered Allah beyond anything we can even think of, and especially with this sin.

And if a person is pelted in this world, insha'Allah this is his tawbah for the akhirah. But all those people in the world who commit this horrible, hideous sin and don't get caught — and hence don't have to pay the price — just imagine what wrath of Allah they're going to face on the Day of Judgment.

I warn all of us that we are not playing with fire — we've already landed into fire. When Nabi ﷺ said:

"A person does not commit zina while he is a believer at the moment of committing it." (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 2475; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 57)

According to many scholars, when doing that sin, iman is taken out from the heart. Because the iman of لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللَّهُ مُحَمَّدٌ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ is pure — it cannot be present in the heart of someone who's committing this hideous crime. Now, Allah forbid, if a person makes this his normal habit, one day he's going to die. Imagine — subhanAllah — he dies without this faith in his heart. And many of these things are happening on Ramadan nights and days too.

So this is something we need as a society and community to speak about. All of you students who give khutbahs in colleges — start speaking about this. Talk about this. We have to bring awareness. We have to create awareness that this is not acceptable in our deen, and that we are really pushing the buttons.

Unless and until we don't seriously repent from it, all what we're doing in different nights and days of qiyamul layl and Ramadan — we're wasting our time. If you're going with someone from the opposite gender to go have suhoor together — you're foolish. What are you doing? Go home and sleep. Why waste your time having a haram relationship at suhoor, at iftar? Shaytan has come and told us, "Nah, nah, nah, this is acceptable."

How to Get Married: The Right Approach

A lot of people are asking: we're trying to protect ourselves from zina and we want to get married. You've got Salams, you've got Muzmatch, you've got all of these apps — MSAs, rishta aunties. What is the best way to get married and find a spouse? And what should they look for in a spouse?

Look at guys — we haven't changed. There was a whole article called "The Myth of American Exceptionalism" — and I think we have to talk about the myth of Western Muslim exceptionalism. Why do we think we're going to be any different? If your choice of a person is based on pure looks — which is usually the case — what do you actually know about each other? All you know is how he looks, his hair color, his skin color, what he wears. All you know is how she wears her makeup, the color of her scarf, the type of dress she wears, the type of watch she has. And that's it. What is this supposed to mean?

Would you invest half a million dollars with someone just because they look nice? Brother — marriage is not investing $500,000. Marriage is investing your entire life, dunya and akhirah. Don't make a stupid decision based on someone's looks. That's exactly where I have a problem with all these meetings — that you are deciding a life partner based on looks, which is the worst thing to do. Because marriage is not about looks, man. Just like you don't invest money based on looks. Instead you look at the business acumen, the guy's track record, his financial credentials.

When it comes to marriage, we have to make sure: is this person what you call "marriage material"? And marriage material does not mean you've got dimples. Marriage material does not mean you know how to put on foundation really well. I tell people — if you marry someone based on looks, subhanAllah, after your wedding night, whatever you married is already down the drain. Because when they wash their face, it's all gone. Whatever you married is in the drain — because you married looks, and you didn't even marry real looks. You married fake looks.

The essence of marriage needs to be not on looks. It has to be on sifat — on qualities. Did your mom and dad get married on looks? Most of us sitting here would say no. Then why fix something that isn't broken? Look at marriages pre-1970, pre-1975 — how many of those marriages are lasting until today? And how many marriages in recent years are lasting? Most divorces happen in the first three years of marriage right now. And yet you can barely find examples like that pre-1970 — even though they did not have dating apps, coffee shops to sit and mingle in, matching events. It wasn't there. It was all arranged marriages, even if you were not religious, because it was just the culture.

The Prophet ﷺ said: get married into a pious vein, a pious bloodstream. Judge a person — look at their lineage, look at the mom, look at the dad, look at the uncle, look at the aunt. Try to find people who've got piety coming down the line. Of course, if someone is a revered convert, that's obviously different. And there are definite examples where the father and mother are very irreligious and yet subhanAllah a big change happened in the child's life. So we're not going to hold someone back because of their parents. But generally speaking, in a Muslim society, don't just look at a guy or girl — look at what level of religiosity is in the house.

It worked for your parents — their 50 years, their 55 years, their 45 years anniversary. Things are going. You might say, "Oh, but they fight." Who doesn't fight? Who doesn't argue? If you stick around with anyone, there's gonna be an argument naturally. If you're sleeping in the same room every single day, brother, it's just part of life. The question is: how many of them went to court? How many of them spent the last two decades fighting against each other and using divorce as a purpose of life? That's exactly what's happening now.

As all these apps have gone through the roof in terms of their popularity, so too has divorce — the divorce rate for Muslims is 33%. I met a brother who is a lawyer in our community who mentioned that his office has seen over 3,000 divorce cases in 10 years. He told me: 40 new divorce consultations per week. SubhanAllah. And these are the ones he gives time to — one office, 40 divorce consultations per week happening. So if you think that subhanAllah these dating apps are game changers — no. Just look at what happened before. Old is gold. What worked in the past, why don't you repeat that?

The Arranged Marriage Method

The same thing your mom and dad did — they looked into families. Once they decided this is a good family, they brought it and presented to the kids. The young men and women met one time, saw each other, and said, "Okay, this seems acceptable." And they got married. You don't need to go for a test drive. Your mom and dad never met for three dates or went out for candlelight dinners before they got married. The average number of years of their marriage far exceeds what's happening today.

I once heard an interview on NPR with the CEO of eHarmony.com. He said, "We have the highest number of successful matches through our website. You want to know why?" He said: "Because the method we created requires that when a person makes an account, part of their profile is that you have to have someone else besides you answer questions about you — like referrals on a job application." So the profile authenticity is far greater than any other website's profile, because the other websites are all about self-reporting. And in eHarmony, you get the input from people besides yourself. That becomes a much more authentic and real description of who you are.

What is that called? An arranged marriage. Your mom and dad are the ones who make your profile — they're speaking on your behalf. They know you better than you know yourself. They will say whether you are a match or not. Because when people go in and try to find someone themselves, especially based on physical appearance only, they are not judging by character. They're making a judgment call based on pure looks. Your mom and dad — they're looking for longevity. How is this marriage going to last beyond the first day and first week? The factors they have in their mind are far different from a young 20-year-old filled with testosterone when he's looking at someone. That's why you need that wise, non-tainted-by-lust, pure, crisp, logical view of the situation.

Lust comes in and makes you blind and deaf and dumb. Every spy story, every detective movie — who becomes the mole? It's always a guy-and-girl relationship. He gives the USB drive, the briefcase, the pictures — not even for money. He just gives it. Based on lust, you will sell your country, your faith, your family. So you cannot make a decision of marriage based on lust. It will not allow you to make a right decision.

When it comes to the final decision — of course, 100% — no girl should ever, ever be pushed into marriage. And no boy should ever, ever be pushed into marriage. Haram, haram, no way. It's not even valid. Marriage doesn't work like that. And has it happened before? Of course it has. Taking someone overseas, sitting them on an airplane, taking them to India, Pakistan, Africa, or Arabia, getting them married — no, it doesn't work. You're destroying someone else's life. There needs to be a genuine match. And one more thing: overseas and here, there's a very big difference. Don't just close your eyes and say, "Everyone from overseas has gotta be righteous and God-fearing." No. Some of the craziest people come from there, and some of the best people come from here. It's about specifically who you're getting married to, not which country they are from.

Getting Out of a Haram Relationship

Many people are asking: how do I get out of a haram relationship? So one of my first cases — I still remember, this was 2006. I was driving when I got a call from someone who said, "I need help." I knew who he was, I knew his status, I knew the fact that the person was on the speaker circuit, etc. It was tough for me. I had to take my car to the shoulder. I said, "Give me a few minutes, take a deep breath and I'll call you back."

So afterwards I called him, spoke to him, spoke to the girl. And I said the same advice I just told you. I said: go cold turkey. The reason they had already been in a haram relationship was because they had proposed to their parents and the parents said, "You are from different parts of the state." So for this reason, they just did their own thing. So I spoke to this guy and I said, "One day, are you going to have kids?" He said, "Oh yeah, of course, insha'Allah." I said, "How will it be — is this justice that you give your kids a woman who committed zina as a mother? Forget about you — your children. What is the fault of those children that you gave them a mother like this?" And he was like... And when I spoke to her, I said, "You can have kids one day, right? How does it feel like that you give a father to your kids who committed zina? Your mom married a man who loved you. What are you doing for your kids?" So what should I do? I said: go completely cold turkey. Repent. Both of them. Go to different universities, different places. Prove it to Allah that you want to be clean. Stay away from one another. Get yourself back into the masjid, back into lectures, Qur'an, durus, studying deen. After six to eight, nine months, your mind becomes clean and your heart becomes clean. Then reassess the situation — do you still feel attraction or not? If there is, and you really think there's something there, then go take it to your parents.

Six, eight months later, a message came. Alhamdulillah, we've been clean. We shifted to different universities. Now what should I do? I said: now do istikhara. Now after that, go speak to your parents. SubhanAllah — they went and spoke to the parents, and it's as though the parents were hearing this proposal for the first time. "Oh mashallah, this is such a great proposal! No problem!" They got married. Tamaam — done.

So the idea is: there is a way out of sin, but you have to properly make your way out. You can't say, "I'm just gonna stay here in sin and try to make it right." You can't. You've gotta exit and then come in. You broke through the window and came into the place — no, man. Get out and enter from the front door. That's what it is. So there's a proper way of doing things, and that's through nikah.

Someone in a haram relationship — repent. Don't worry. If they are good for you, insha'Allah Allah will give it to you. But right now you are so clouded with the sin, and the shayateen of zina have overtaken your mind — you have no idea whether what you're doing is going to be beneficial or harmful. More than likely your judgment is no longer there. It's not a sound judgment because the shayateen of sin are messing with your mind. So once you go clean, then reassess that situation.

The Importance of Premarital Preparation

In Malaysia, the government mandates that whoever gets married has to do premarital counseling or coaching before they get married. What are your thoughts on that, and why do you think a lot of people do not get it done?

People take life so easy, relaxed. One president of a masjid told me: a brother came after a zakat seminar — one hour — and he was crying. He said, "Subhanallah, today is the first time I learned that there is something called zakat and something called zakat al-fitr. Every year I just pay 10 bucks for my zakat." He doesn't even know the basic things. What I'm trying to say is that people don't know the deen. There is just complete apathy about learning Islam. So marriage — there is no fikr about it. There's no thought: "I need to learn how to live like a Muslim male or female."

One brother was going to get married and I asked him: have you taken a fiqh marriage and divorce class? He said, "I already know everything about that." I'm like, really? What do you know? Tell me. Kitab al-Nikah alone is different — a hundred pages. Kitab al-Talaq is different — two hundred pages. Which madrasa did you graduate from? You know what he says? He says, "Pretty much you get married and if things don't get along, you just say 'I divorce you three times.'" I said, brother, that's the one thing you're not supposed to do. Never, ever, ever. That is actually sinful. You are never supposed to say, "I divorce you three times." Never. No matter what. Divorce is always supposed to be one. That's actually sinful. No matter how upset you are, you're not supposed to shoot the gun three times back to back. So the one thing he knew — he knew it wrong. There's this crazy level of overconfidence that we have.

Another brother invited me six months before his wedding. For a three-hour event, he had made preparation six to eight months in advance — he already got the flowers, the DJ, all of it. I asked him: "For how long is this event? Three hours? So for a three-hour event you have made such preparation. How much did you prepare for the marriage?" He didn't understand that. He said, "What's that supposed to mean?" So let me explain: the wedding is your three-hour event. The marriage is what happens between now and death and after death. Have you taken a fiqh marriage and divorce class? Have you taken premarital counseling? Why don't you focus on that stuff instead of trying to book all this out for a three-hour event?

There's a beautiful story — if I remember correctly, about Sheikh Zakariyya's daughter. Sheikh Zakariyya — the author of Fada'il al-A'mal, Fada'il al-Hajj, Fada'il al-Zakah, Fada'il al-Ramadan, the author of Aujaz al-Masalik — Mashallah, Qutbul Aqtab. The teacher of teachers. His daughter was getting married. He went home and said, "I found a great son-in-law. Your nikah is going to be after 'Asr." The daughter said, "Well, mom's not here, and there are a few hours left — can you wait a little bit? At least let me get some clothes?" And the father's answer to the daughter was: "What are you wearing right now? You have clothes." The fact is: do not make marriage complicated. What did Rasulullah ﷺ plan nine months in advance for his daughter? We've added so many things into the deen that have nothing to do with the deen. We've added complete culture and societal pressure. But the actual thing — how about going to take a fiqh marriage and divorce class? Learn the masa'il. What are the rights of the wife? What are the rights of the husband? What's the right of your mom and dad on you? What are the rights of your mother-in-law and father-in-law? How do you live in a joint home or not? Don't sort it out after marriage — you have to learn it beforehand. This is a big reason why things are falling apart.

We've done over 130 premarital sessions at Ihsan Coaching, and 25 of those couples have called it off after going through our course. Now I'm not saying come to us — I'm saying get it done. Because whenever I see a marital couple, I always ask them, "Did you do any premarital counseling beforehand?" And they always say the same thing: "No, but I wish I did." So I don't care how religious you are or where you are on the spectrum — do your due diligence. Marriages today cost 15 to 20 thousand dollars or more. The average divorce costs about $5,000. But how much does it cost to get premarital done? Only $500. Do your due diligence beforehand so you don't get any heartaches or heartbreaks afterwards.

Interesting thing about what was told to me by one lawyer who deals with both Muslim and non-Muslim cases — he says, consistently, he has seen that Muslim divorces are far more expensive than non-Muslim divorces, and far more nasty. The amount of rage and vengeance they come with is something he hasn't seen in non-Muslim cases. Deen gets thrown completely out the window.

The Three Categories of Required Preparation

I implore the dads and moms, the young men and women:

Number one: Do not get married until you take a fiqh marriage and divorce class. There are many available online as well.

Number two: Until you get some premarital counseling.

Number three: If you are already married, alhamdulillah for many years — still go ahead and see: are you running your marriage properly? What are those rights? These are the nights for us to reflect. How have I been as a husband? How have I been as a wife? How have I been as a dad? Sometimes we're making the biggest blunders in our marriages and have no idea that we're actually violating the rights of our spouse.

The Issue of Pornography and Addiction

An Islamic school teacher told me that he coded a statistic in his class — that 73% of high school students are involved in watching haram. And the response the high school students gave when he shared this statistic? They said, "The 27% are lying." That's what they're saying — 100% watch it. That's what they're saying. This is far worse than any real numbers we get.

So now the question is: should a person who's involved in this still get married? Well, it depends on how big of an issue it is. Not everyone is neck deep into it — there are people who've been affected by it here and there. I would say, as long as a person is involved in the sin, can they get married? Actually I would say the opposite — I would say the person should get married insha'Allah, it will help get rid of that. But then there are certain cases where it's very advanced, and in that case a person needs to own up and say, "I need to get therapy and I need to at least get myself to a more humane level."

What I spoke about — to what degree of moral deprivation this issue has gone — it is literally sub-human. I promise you. It's something that has gone to levels where only Iblis could have thought of something like this. A human mind — I cannot imagine — can get this corrupted. So if a person is now dabbling with that type of stuff, then they need therapy, they need ruqya, they need spirituality, they need a sheikh, they need to get themselves out of that level of depth of filth. Then when they come to a more normal level, I feel marriage can help them. Because when a person is that advanced in the addiction, they may just ruin someone else's life.

A lot of times marital couples come in and say, "I did not know that my spouse was addicted to pornography. I did not know that they were involved in this sin, whether it be drinking or drugs or something." And now they feel like they've been deceived. How should they deal with it?

I gave what was probably one of the first open khutbahs on this topic — a Jumu'ah khutbah on this, in 2019 or 2020. And when I went to different communities and they had these types of gatherings, some said, "Sorry, mashallah, there are a lot of conservatives here — this is not appropriate for a night like this." Really? What conservatism is this? You have a cancer in the midst and you don't want to address the white elephant in the room? Come on.

This is the issue across the globe. When my ustaz told me to speak at his masjid in South Africa, I spoke about this. No one spoke about this — at least five years ago they didn't. And after my khutbah, how many of those brothers came up to me and said, "Thank you so much." Naturally — they never heard a topic like this.

One of the things I mentioned in that khutbah was: if your spouse is involved in this and you're married, you should be able to confide in your spouse. And if your spouse dumps you or leaves you because of that confession, then they don't deserve to be your spouse, because that's not love. A person who really loves you and cares for you — when you say, "Hey, I'm sorry, I got addicted to this XYZ sin" — it's your spouse's job to hold your hands and pick you up. Not to say, "Oh, you fell? Let me push you a couple more stairs down." Marriage is about this level of trust.

I was brought to tears recently when a lady who was married for many, many years — 30 years of marriage — reached out to me. The husband had become sick in various ways and involved in different things. But wallahi, this lady said, "Please can you give me some du'a. I want to continue to serve him. I want to continue to help him. I want to continue to stay married. How can I help him get out of this?" I'm like — they don't make them like that today. The fact that this lady, after all of this that this man is doing, still says, "I want to stay with him, I want to serve him, I want to make sabr, I want to help him become a better person." I said: this is your jannah. Wallahi this is your jannah.

Commitment, Taqwa, and the Purpose of Marriage

Today there's not that flexibility — there's a lack of commitment inside relationships and a lack of trust. Anything I tell my spouse, it's gonna be spread throughout the whole khandan. And when it comes to commitment, everybody's got one foot in and one foot out, teeter-tottering inside their marriages. And if you're both giving 50%, nothing's gonna happen.

My ustaz Qari Ayub — damas barakatuh — I remember in madrasa in 2002-2003, he gave us an amazing marriage workshop in class. And one of the things he said was: you should write one word in your home where the husband and wife will see it every day. And this is the key golden word to keep your marriage together. And that word was: compromise. Write it on your ceiling or somewhere that you see it every day. You have to be willing to compromise.

The idea of mutual dependence — a marriage can never work without it. Imagine if the countries across the globe, the nuclear powers and everyone else, if there wasn't a level of fear or dependency upon one another — what would happen to the world? The only reason someone doesn't just release all the bombs is because, "Okay, this is gonna have major effects on us." That's how the world runs — through mutual dependence. Allah speaks about that as well. If Allah were to open up the doors of sustenance for everyone, people would become the most chaotic and the most disobedient, because "I don't need you, I have my own money." Allah has made everyone dependent on one another. The plumber needs a doctor, the doctor needs a lawn care guy, the lawn care guy needs an auto mechanic, the auto mechanic needs a grocer — everyone is dependent on one another, and that's how the world runs.

So when women have access to their own careers and jobs and tons of money, and men have access to women who are not looking for commitment — game over. So it needs to be taqwa. A person says: although I can make a lot of money and I'm making money, I'm not in marriage for money. That's not the only thing. I'm going to say I'm committed to my husband not because of money — because if it was money, I have more money right now. I'm committed because this is how Allah wants us to live.

As is clearly mentioned in the hadith — that the lady who takes care of her salah, her zakat, her basic fara'id, hajj if it's fard on her, and she takes care of her husband — she may enter from any door of Jannah she wishes. She does not have to become a scholar. She does not have to lead a program or give talks. She does not have to write a book. This is the hadith.

"If a woman prays her five prayers, fasts her month, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: Enter Paradise from whichever gate you wish." (Musnad Ahmad, Hadith 1661; also narrated in Ibn Hibban)

Deen is not about your feelings and emotions. It's about what Allah wants. People say that in order to serve deen, you have to become a scholar, or you have to go serve creation. When a lady serves her husband or children, they say she's oppressed. But when she walks down the aisle of an airplane as a stewardess, she's gained freedom. As long as you're serving at a restaurant, in a clinic, at customers — all day people are looking at you, staring at you — you are "free." But you serve your kids and your husband at home, you're oppressed. And we have bought into this.

What do you do? If you ask those people who are moms or housewives, "What do you do at home?" — subhanAllah, what does your mom do? You wouldn't be sitting here if it wasn't for your mother's khidmat and effort that she put into it. It's called tadbir al-manzil — running the whole home. They run the show in the house. It's an actual operation. Look at this huge event every night that we have here — to serve 400-500 people suhoor, to park 1,250 cars. There is a huge operation happening. Similarly, our house — 8 people, 7 people, 15 people, 12 people, 2 people sleeping, eating 3 meals a day, at different times, going to different schools, different colleges, different laundries, different clothes. How is that not a huge operation? And how can it run on autopilot? It has to have a manager who has the eyes on everything. Someone who is focused — these are my 4 kids, what are the needs of each of them? These are the needs of my husband.

There is now also a need in many households for two household incomes. I'm not speaking against women getting careers or jobs. What I'm trying to say is: if a girl thinks, "I'm in marriage for money from my husband, and now since I'm not getting along with him and I don't need his money, I've got my own — so hence I'm going to ask for divorce, take 50% of what he earned, and enjoy alimony for the rest of my life" — and if the guy thinks, "I'm only in it to fulfill my desires, and there are a hundred available outside without any commitment, let me just go over there and leave" — that's exactly why our marriage is going to fall apart. Because there's no taqwa. No one saying: "No, it's not about money, and it's not about intimacy. It's about the fact that I'm married to someone and I'm committed to them, and this is my jannah."

Just like disrespecting our parents is a major sin — subhanAllah, if we're disrespecting our parents and we're sitting here crying and sitting in this talk, we're wasting our time. Similarly, disrespecting and disregarding our husbands is a major sin. And then the flip side of it — the hadith the Prophet ﷺ said about the measuring stick of piety for men:

"The best among you is the one who is the best to his family, and I am the best to my family." (Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 3895; also narrated in Ibn Majah, Hadith 1977)

So men sitting here — if they are harsh, disrespectful, condescending to their wives, then sitting in i'tikaf, sitting in the masjid, doing other deeni work — it doesn't cut it. So deen is not one-sided. Deen is not pro-men by any means. Deen is pro-women and pro-men. Everyone has their rights. Just do whatever you need to do.

There are amazing people out there — women who have jobs, who earn great money, and men who are handsome and could have found any other girl — but mashallah, they're committed to their marriages. And that's exactly why our elder generation stayed together. It's about staying committed to your nikah. And that's going to happen through taqwa, and understanding that marriage is sacred. Marriage is not a biological fulfillment of a biological need. Marriage is part of our sunnah.

Such a sunnah that the Prophet ﷺ said: whoever turns away from this sunnah is not from amongst them. That's part of it.

Marrying Into Different Cultures

People are asking about marrying into different cultures — the practicality, and the pros and cons of it.

Marriage is not a simple thing. You know, like basically when someone is going to go out to eat — some of us go to the same burger place and order the same thing every time. And then some of us say, every time I want to try something different. And you've got to get ready for it, because when you eat it, it's like — amazing! Or: oh my god, let me make a doggie bag and take it home, I can't eat this. That's what you get when you try different things — it could be hit or miss.

So it just depends on how adventurous you are. What type of personality you are, and what type of family you have. Some families are just very open, excited to try all sorts of different things — the clothing is going to be different, the food is going to be different, the festivities are going to be different, and we're cool with that. And then other families are very strict and very set in their ways. So it goes back to what type of person you are and what type of family you have. Research has shown that it's going to be a lot more difficult, and you should do your due diligence and make sure you can work through whatever issues come about — and know about the culture as well.

Shaitan's Attack on Marital Intimacy

Now I'm married and I'm trying to protect myself from committing zina, but my spouse is using intimacy as a weapon. And now I haven't had marital relations for months, years.

This is a very serious issue. The story I mentioned at the earlier part of tonight's discussion — that's exactly what happened there. I mentioned this straight out when I speak to brothers and sisters getting married. A person has to control himself, his lustful desires. And both men and women — there has to be self-control. But at the same time, understand that this is a big fitna we're dealing with.

People get married and there's no intimacy for years. I said, this is very, very, very common. So the very pious people — they're fasting, they're married, they're fasting Mondays and Thursdays — and the other person is using the phone. And the third category just goes out. You've got three categories: people who are fasting, people who are subhanAllah using their phone, and people going out. And this is the sin of course on the one doing that, and definitely a sin on the one who's causing it. This is a very, very serious problem in our community.

Let me share with you a powerful hadith reported in Imam Bukhari's Adab al-Mufrad and also in other books as well. The gist of this hadith is: a time comes when a husband and a wife come together, and the Prophet ﷺ said this hundreds of years ago — that a time may come that you go to your spouse, and all of a sudden the spouse says something completely out of line, something which should not have been said, which angers the husband. The Prophet ﷺ tells the husband: do not respond to her and do not get angry, because this was supposed to be something good, and all of a sudden there's a 180-degree U-turn. And then he explains why — he says: because indeed there was a shaitan sitting on top of her that threw a pebble at her. If someone is getting an invisible stone thrown at her, how can she act normal? It is an invisible attack from shaitan to instigate her to get angry and to say something which would completely ruin the evening — not only to ruin her mood, but then to ruin the husband's mood, to close the doors of halal intimacy, and then to open up the doors of haram.

Then in another hadith, the Prophet ﷺ says that this type of attack happens to the husband as well — that a husband at the time of intimacy may end up getting super angry all of a sudden about something. And that is also an attack of shaitan. So I have no doubt that that's what's happening in our marriages. The marriages are being attacked from all corners, in so many different ways. And one of those ways is the lack of intimacy within marriage. And this needs to be addressed by the husband and wife.

If you understand each other and understand that you are not each other's enemy — rather shaitan is your enemy — then you will be able to handle this properly. And this is where every day I see all these new types of diseases being spread in our society — whether it's zina, whether it's atheism, whether it's LGBTQ, whether it's transgenderism, whether it's feminism, whether it's children running away from home, whether it's children disrespectful to parents. Along with the means of counseling and therapy, definitely, definitely take the help of adhkar, a'mal, dhikr, and ruqya very seriously.

The sihr — the Qur'an speaks about sihr being used to destroy marriages. The sihr does not have to come from a human enemy. You don't need to have hasad from humans. You don't need to have 'ayn and nazar from humans. All of that can be done by the shayateen, and that's exactly what's happening. They are raging all around the place right now. Shayateen are attacking all of us from all different sides — including our marriages from all four sides. Creating bickering, argumentation, irritation, making the woman see the husband as her worst enemy, making the guy feel his wife is his worst enemy, and then giving them into sin and not allowing them to be intimate with one another.

When it comes to intimacy — sometimes women tell me: "I'm not getting my emotional needs met, so why should I fulfill their physical needs?" So as a piece of advice for the men: sometimes we don't communicate with our wives enough. We don't sit down with them, face them, speak with them, meet their emotional needs. So yes — do your adhkar, do ruqya, do all of these things. But also try meeting your spouse's emotional needs. And on the flip side — for the wives: understand that if you fulfill their physical needs, they will likely be more emotionally vulnerable with you. It goes both ways.

The Issue of Affairs, Monogamy, and Second Marriages

People are asking: is monogamy real? Can people be monogamous in relationships? And what about second marriages?

The real reason Rasulullah ﷺ married multiple wives was his fikr and concern for each of those specific tribes or areas. Aisha, radiallahu anha, who was closest to him, said — Allahu Akbar — "I have never seen anyone who has stronger control over their urge than the Prophet ﷺ." Of course — he is the Nabi of Allah. The Prophet ﷺ did not get married for physical reasons. But multiple marriages have been allowed as part of our deen because there is a genuine need. There are so many women who need someone to assist them — to take care of their emotional, biological, and financial needs. Look at all the wars that are happening. How many widows right now are in Gaza? In Syria, in Yemen, in Afghanistan. Endless. So if this was not something allowed, who would take care of these women? Many of them have 2, 3, 5, 6, 8 kids. It is the man who has to take responsibility. So there is so much hikmah and wisdom in the institution of multiple marriages.

But whatever we do, we should do it in agreement with our spouse. I am against these things being done without getting the first spouse on board. Has it happened before that people hid it? Yes. Is the outcome good? No. Not good. Because even if it's not legally required to take permission, is it a smart thing to do without it? Absolutely not. A girl, a lady, the children — they will also feel very hurt that their dad did this. And the first wife will feel very hurt. And if there was consultation — there may still be hurt — but at least there is no backstabbing feeling.

Now — let me also say something. I know every one of you knows someone who's got an affair going on. All of you know it. And it's normalized. But a guy has a second marriage and there's going to be a khutbah about it. Brother, what about the women? What about all the other guys doing haram? What about the girls? This is 'ajab of the shaytan right now. You'll have khutbahs dedicated to: "Brother, we men need to not get a second wife." How about you give a khutbah against zina? Let's talk about the real crux instead of attacking something which is halal.

Masjid-going people, fasting people — and they're telling each other about their affairs. It's normalized. It's completely normalized. And a second marriage is like a taboo. For what? Imagine how this angers Allah. That it's worthy for a person to be pelted and killed in the most painful and hideous way — to have an affair while you're married — yet it's normalized. We have to speak against affairs.

Hijab, Ghayrah, and the Rules of Separation

Think about mixed gatherings — the bhabhi situation, betakallufi with no shame, guys interacting with other men's wives. And we're not just talking about the young people — the older generation too. They sit together, they welcome each other at parties. When this kind of freeness happens, even among people in their 50s and 60s — someone said, "A man never gets old when it comes to this." That's just how Allah made men — whether in the animal kingdom or the human kingdom.

And Nabi ﷺ was asked about the importance of hijab between men and women — specifically about the brother-in-law situation. Someone said, "Ya Rasulullah, what about my brother-in-law for my wife?" And Nabi ﷺ said:

"The brother-in-law is death." (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5232; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2172)

The hamu — basically meaning any relationship through marriage — all of those people — that is death. Rasulullah ﷺ said: that's a death sentence. You bring someone like that into your house, you invite him back to your house — how many times does someone say, "There's a sister going through a divorce, let me help her out"? Brother, this is an example of the guy who doesn't know how to swim trying to save someone else. When you give money in charity to help someone going through a divorce — be careful. When you give that money, naturally — we deal with cases of people going through divorce — they are very vulnerable. So they will attach themselves to any guy who shows some sort of sympathy. And the guy has no sympathy for his wife but he has sympathy for the neighbor's wife. That's why Nabi ﷺ said, one of the biggest sins that will make you worthy of Allah's anger is:

"Committing zina with the neighbor's wife." (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 6811; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 86)

Because there's a level of trust there. If someone does this with their relative or neighbor, or someone who goes in and out of your house, that is going to bring about the wrath of Allah double or even more. So when we do not follow the rules of hijab and purdah, most definitely horrible things are happening. Everything will be clear on the Day of Judgment. All those people who think they are beyond human — angels — that they can sit with girls and nothing can happen. Or married women who think they can sit with guys and nothing will happen. Exactly who's doing what — that day is going to come when it will become very apparent.

Now it's unfortunately: mixed couples going to hookah lounges — guys, girls, husbands, wives, going to a coffee shop together. Ya Allah. As Nabi ﷺ said:

"A woman should not describe another woman to her husband." (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5240)

A lady is prohibited from describing her friends to her husband. Because Allah has created men such that if you describe to them something, naturally a desire of that would come. That was before pictures existed. Now you have pictures of all the girls on your phone, and a lady says, "Oh, look at this, this is who my friend circle is." No — it's not just a picture, you're actually bringing your friends over to your house. Once you create mixing in your events and in your home, naturally a lot of other things start happening.

That's why the reason we're paying such a hefty price today — marriages falling apart, sins rampant — is because we have left the rules of hijab and the rules of separation, and have made everything a mixture. Life has become all mixture. Once you create mixing in your events and your home, naturally a lot of other things start happening. Infidelity doesn't happen with random people — it happens with people that you know. Protect your marriages.

The Issue of the Dayyuth

There is a trend online of people posting pictures of their spouses for the world to see. And what does it mean to be a dayyuth?

I have seen scholars who studied 8, 9, 10 years in madrasa — they're posting pictures with their wife on their WhatsApp profile. I can't believe it. Something is in the air. People have lost their sense of ghayrah, and they do not mind at all posing with their wife or putting pictures of their wife on their profile.

And for sisters — for Allah's sake, get your picture off the profile. And why would you have a profile picture of your hair open? I promise you — if you have your hair exposed and present yourself like that, it's literally like giving a rope to shaitan and saying, "Drag me, please drag me." This is how the deen works and has taught us: when a person commits haram, they are submitting themselves to shaitan. When a person watches haram, same thing. So exposing your hair and body is going to do that. Make sure your picture online — please change that. Don't put a picture in which your hair or body is exposed. First of all, try your best not to put a picture in the first place. Put a nice flower, put something else. And the guys — what they do is they get a picture of their wife from the wedding day. And they say: you yourself have never seen your wife looking like that again after that night — but you want the whole world to see that. You've really lost your wits.

A person who has no ghayrah — no possessive jealousy over his wife — Allah will not look at them on the Day of Judgment. This is such a big sin. Allah hates the one who commits it. The Prophet ﷺ said in a hadith in Musnad Ahmad:

"Three will not enter Paradise: the one who is disobedient to his parents, the dayyuth, and the woman who imitates men." (Musnad Ahmad, Hadith 5372; also narrated in Sunan al-Nasa'i)

The people said, "O Prophet of Allah, who is a dayyuth?" He replied: "The one who tolerates indecency and immorality in his women." In another narration: "The one who does not maintain honor and decency regarding his wife." This person will not even smell the fragrance of Jannah.

So when it comes to all these problems — the root cause is us. As men, we have stopped becoming men. This is something we need to focus on — really fulfilling our role.

The Mother-in-Law and Wife Dynamic

When it comes to marriage, especially the relationship between the mother-in-law and the wife — and when they're not able to handle that relationship — what should the husband do and how should he get involved? How does he place boundaries so the marriage can work?

This is a very deep question. The khulasa of it is: the man is stuck. I think we can get to Jannah just through this. It's not easy. It is very, very, very challenging. You're stuck between two women — one is your mom and one is your wife. You need a lot of wisdom. You need a lot of tolerance. You need patience. You need foresight. You need good company — not toxic friends, but good friends. You need a murabbi. You need a mentor. You need a shaykh to take advice from. Prepare for this before it happens.

When you get married, for a lot of people — not everyone — all of a sudden the relationship between a son and his mother sometimes becomes almost like co-wives competing for the same man. They're going to be antagonistic toward one another because they want more time, more share from this one guy who cannot duplicate himself. So this is where you have to proceed with caution. You must make sure that you fulfill each other's rights fully without oppressing the other one. Fulfill the other person's right — not at the cost of the other person.

When it comes to shared living — the era of mother-in-laws being oppressive is slowly fading away in most cases. Now, I think it's possible — if the wife has some understanding of what she's getting into. There's so much barakah and blessing in living with your parents. The continuous du'a. The amazing tarbiyah that your kids will get from their grandparents — unparalleled. The joint family system is how humanity has moved forward. Babysitting is easy. Learning a second language is easy. Learning your du'as is easy. There's so much barakah. Alhamdulillah, my grandmother lived with us for many years, and there's so much barakah in this. But it requires some understanding.

I tell people when going through marriage proposals: guys, ask the proposal what are her thoughts on living with your parents. And she has a full right to get to know your parents, study, ask around, know what type of people they are — that's completely fair. But if the wife from the very get-go says, "No way — you're a cute guy but I don't know your parents, we've got to live separately" — that, in my opinion, is a red alert. Because you don't even know me properly, you don't even know my parents, yet you've already made a decision. Within the first day you've cut me off from my mom and dad — what's going to happen by the second day and third day?

If a person is agreeable to living together, but you yourself figure out that your parents can't handle another person in the house — then that's different. Some parents just have to have their way. But some parents say, "Alhamdulillah, I don't have a daughter, or my daughter is already married — man, I'm waiting to pass the baton to someone else, please take over." So everyone is different. Get to know them.

One option: live separately for a couple of months, get to know each other, then move in. Another option: go for a good long honeymoon — three weeks, not one — get to know each other really well, and then move in with your parents and try your best. And Allah forbid if things are going really south — you tried counseling, ruqya, dhikr, everything and it failed — then there's not a problem to live in a nearby area where you can still go serve your mom and dad and take care of their needs, while also serving the rights of your spouse. Every situation is different.

Two Practical Tips for Every Married Couple

Number one is communication. A lot of times in marriages we do not communicate with our spouses — either we're doing it in passing, quickly, without actually facing them. So one thing I advise all married brothers: just for 10 minutes, face your spouse and speak to them. Look them in the eye. The Prophet ﷺ would face whoever he was speaking to. That's going to go a long way, because they're going to feel like you're paying attention to them and actually conversing with them. It's not about the quantity — it's about the quality of the conversation.

Number two: at the end of the conversation, use words of fondness and admiration towards your spouse. Say something nice that you appreciate about them. Because the more you do that, you're going to realize the value they bring into your relationship and you're going to do more for your spouse. And it's going to allow your spouse to see that you see these things within them, and they're going to most likely continue to do what you appreciate.

Recommended Books on Marriage

There's a book called Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage — honestly, one of the best books out there in English. Written by Mufti Abdul Rahman Yusuf Mankira, who was an imam for many, many years, who has a post-doctorate, is a mufti, and trains muftis. He lives in England. This is a must, must, must for anyone who's not married, planning to get married, or already married. He's got some outstanding lectures online on marriage — available through White Thread Press and Zamzam Academy.

Islamic Guide to Intimacy is also a great book. Those would be two books that I would highly recommend on marriage.

Closing Du'a and Announcements

I hope, honestly, tonight, Allah accepts this talk of ours. And may Allah allow all those who are not married — after today's discussion — to find the right spouse. And all those who are married, may Allah allow them to improve their relationships at home. All those who are looking for their son and daughter to get married — may Allah make them start looking. And those who are looking, may Allah make them look in the right place. If there was anything beneficial said, it was from Allah. If any mistakes were made, may Allah forgive us.

One announcement: downstairs, please do not waste food. Only take as much as you're going to eat. You can go multiple rounds. But do not throw away even one drop of food — especially with what we're seeing happening in the world, where people wallahi are dying and fighting over what we have. Do not even waste water. Don't drink half a cup and leave it. Don't bottle half a cup and leave it on this auspicious night. Be careful.

We're going to go eat downstairs and then come back insha'Allah. Fajr jama'at is at 5 o'clock. So all of you who are here — please pray your Salatul Fajr with jama'at, in your local masjid or here at Dar-ul-Salam at 5 o'clock. We will do a collective du'a from Hizbul Adham insha'Allah. Don't forget your individual qiyam and individual du'a within the next two hours.

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.