“Contemporary Challenges of Parenting” by Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed

Contemporary Challenges of Parenting

By Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed

Reclaiming the Home Environment

First, gather the phones together, put them in their bedroom. So khalas, 8 p.m. onwards, we're done. I'm not gonna be on it, you're not gonna be on it.

And then after that, we can slowly start making, for example, a ta'lim time. That we're gonna sit and read Hayat al-Sahaba, or any of the ta'lim. The kids are not sitting — no problem.

If your kids are small, make them sit. If not, don't force them. Husband and wife can sit and read together out loud.

Children eventually — our ustad and our shuyukh have taken promises. They said, if you read Hayat al-Sahaba of Sheikh Yusuf Kandhlawi, or a book similar to that, you'll see that you won't need to speak to your children, you won't need to speak to your spouse to change. Just the mere presence of reading the hadith and the stories of the Sahaba will bring in a massive change within the house. And they've guaranteed this — they will tell you: do this, instead of getting upset at home, just do this for six weeks, and then if things don't change, come tell me.

So these tips of going back to the very basics — of how you could say pre-90s or pre-2000s life was, where you would have control over this external influence — and then bringing in a nice half-hour, fifteen-minute family time where some talk of deen takes place, that will really start bringing tarteeb. Children are very receptive to stories.

All of us are receptive to stories. We're receptive to someone besides our dad — probably what you call yada yada, just talking, giving a speech. But if you read a ta'lim, or some story from a book, people listen and they're very receptive. Because dad's not the one reading, or mom's not. Actually, I say — rotate. Let the daughter read one day, let the son read one day, let your wife read one day, you read one day. By rotation. So now it's not me giving a speech, it's Allah and His Rasul saying how I need to live. And some of the things I'm going to read — they're going to be pointing at me.

I can't be a hypocrite. I have to change. So it's not just you have to change — we all have to change. Not only my kids have got to change, I have to change. And that's what the kids like. You know what? This is my dad being honest here now. It's not a one-way street. He's not just trying to help me become a better person — he's also wanting to become a better person at the same time. And I think that level of honesty and sincerity is what will really make kids appreciate.

The Loss of Human Connection

A thought comes to mind. I still remember — it was dad's mention in fourth year — he said, you know, back in the days, you went home, you closed the door, and that's it, after Isha. No one came knocking at your door unless it was something urgent or something serious. Before there were phones and technology, everyone would be in their homes. When you entered your home, you closed the doors and that was it.

Instead of the phone, he said, you're outside in the entire world — the entire world is inside your house. There are no barriers. And no one's with each other anymore. This is what's created the lack of human social ability. Humans have lost our natural ability to talk to each other.

Bridging the Gap Between Parents and Children

Alhamdulillah, lots of parents come to a realization: we need to — we could have done a better job, but I'm realizing this now, and I want to do a better job now. Sometimes it's the opposite — the children want to connect with their parents. Not that they don't want to — they just don't know where to start. The parents, it's kind of a bit of a distant life, cross-generational, cross-cultural, so it's a bit tricky.

Some students ask me this as well — they want to have ta'lim with their parents and they just don't know where to start. Or sometimes parents also realize things a bit late — until the teenager grows up to 15, 17, or something, and they didn't put enough thought into: I'm putting my son into a school, or my daughter into a school, and they're there for 7 hours, 6 days a week, and that's where they took everything from. And of course, what accelerates all of that is social media — so kids are literally drinking in the culture of something other than Islam.

I think the key is just finding common ground, issues to speak about. It doesn't always have to be about deen. If someone wants to connect with their kid, figure out what the child loves. If he likes sports, he likes cars, he likes nature, he's a bird-spotter, or he likes planes — spend time doing things that the other person enjoys. And for a child with the father, mom and dad — they like gardening, or they like art, or they like learning about history, cultural events, certain types of foods. Finding common ground with the opposite person — meaning the parent or child — and spending time with them and bonding over that, before you start discussing heavy things, is a great way to bridge that gap.

And in terms of trying to bring deen into our children's lives, or our parents' lives, it cannot happen overnight. It takes time.

The Importance of Trust: Lessons from Therapy

SubhanAllah — just remembered something. This past week, we had a psychologist, a therapist, come in to Darussalam. He leads a big group, and he had a session with our teachers on how to be good mentors to our students. It was, mashallah, a priceless presentation. I really loved it. May Allah allow us to practice on it.

He mentioned one amazing thing. As dads and moms, we are definitely mentors to our kids. Therapists have many different types of tools to use during therapy — many different methods. And so they studied how effective a therapist was in bringing change in their clients' thought process, their habits, emotions, and teaching them how to cope. They realized that no matter what method the therapist was using, no matter what expertise they had, the most successful therapists were those in which the client had a relationship of trust — and, to a degree, love of the practitioner. The stronger the emotional relationship between the client and the therapist, the more successful they were in bringing the desired change.

The normal routine is ten sessions of an hour each — about ten hours total. He said within ten hours, if a therapist is able to have his client trust him and believe in him, then no matter what method you use, more than likely you will be successful. And on the other hand, if an issue of trust arises and the relationship is broken, then no matter what you use, more than likely it's not going to work.

Now imagine you start applying that to parents, to teachers. The key thing, if we want to bring change within our children, is that there has to be an attachment. There has to be trust. There has to be hope that this parent will take care of me.

Now the dads — we have to ask ourselves: do our children believe that we are truly loving them the most? If I ask you as a father, of course you'd say yes — but do the kids believe that? That is the second question. For a lot of people, that's not the case — simply because of the way we say things and the way we do things, it turns the kids against the parents. You can say it a hundred times — do this and do that — they're not going to do it, or they'll do it only while you're there and stop afterwards.

The much better way is to ensure that you have a level of muhabbah and trust. Once you've gotten that, everything else becomes easy. And I think that's what we all need to work on — relationship building.

For our parents who are born overseas, for whom English is not the first language, and who spent their earlier years in America simply trying to get on their feet — honestly your struggle is double. May Allah give you strength, may Allah give you everything you need, because it's not an easy job. You have to make a whole complete mindset change, which is going to take time. But as soon as you start wanting to do it, it will happen.

Mufti Saeed Palanpuri used to come here — remember him? He used to say, and he would get upset: if you're staying in America and you don't know English, there's something wrong with you. Why are you staying here? If you're staying here, learn the language to be able to impart. Yes, if you say, I don't care, I want to work only among the Pakistanis, we'll do that. But if you want to have a long-term effect in this country, you have to speak English. And not just speak English — you have to learn the cultures and the customs here. If I go to Pakistan or Mali or Sudan, similarly, I'm not going to be effective unless I know the culture and the language.

So as parents, if we want to be effective parents in this country, in this day and age — and for that matter, even in Pakistan, India, Africa, wherever you may be from — the social media language has become the dominant language of the world. So if we want to be able to connect with our children, we have to bring ourselves to that level and speak to them on those terms. And then, inshallah, we will be able to establish that connection and bring the change that we want to see. But if we say, I'm over here, you're over there, I'm going to talk to you from here — it doesn't work.

The Unprecedented Generational Gap

There has never been a greater generational gap than now. Never. Because this one generation is like ten generations apart. The advancements in technology, in social media, in artificial intelligence, the changes in the school curriculum, the changes in the moral ethics codes and values of our country and beyond — it's such radical change that it's not just, oh, I'm 30 years older than my son. No — it literally feels like 200 years apart. We're so different in our approaches, our understandings, what is acceptable and what's not.

What are you going to do? You're stuck with it. So now we have to make ten times more effort to try to bridge that gap. Before, a 30-year-old father had to bridge some gap to raise his 2-year-old son. But now, you're bridging a gap far greater than 30 years. And that requires a lot of things that are uncomfortable for us.

I remember one Mufti Sahab — born and raised in India, studied there, came here — but he's a role model example of a good scholar from overseas who's done such a good job. Many years ago I went to his community, and I still visit him. He has kids surrounding him like honeybees around a beehive. College kids, medical school kids. It's like basketball players around a coach.

I went to Mufti Sahab's house at 10 p.m., 11 p.m. It's like a gathering — ice cream's coming out, pies are coming out. A bunch of college kids. Mufti Sahab's house is the place where they hang out, where they crash. Born in India, raised in India, graduated, came here when he was 23. Now, any event happens — there's a basketball tournament, everyone's got t-shirts — he's wearing a t-shirt on top of his kurta. He's got a baseball cap, he's wearing a baseball cap. He's like, let me make the first shot. I don't know how to make a shot, but I'll do it.

You think that's what he's accustomed to? No. But he's really brought himself down to that level where the kids feel like he's their own. And honestly, he's controlled their hearts. MashAllah.

It's the very same thing we have to do. And the Prophet ﷺ reminded us of this. After Fajr, the Prophet ﷺ would sit down and speak with the Sahaba. Sometimes they would share dreams. Sometimes they would talk about the lineage of the horses. Sometimes they would joke. And the Prophet ﷺ — there is no one more busy, more important in the world than him — but he would literally sit with them and listen. If they cracked a joke, he would simply smile. Meaning, he tried to make himself as relatable as possible to the Sahaba. It can't always be just work, work, work, work. There have to be moments of chatter. Relaxed moments as well. Where we can sit and talk about other things. That you want to hear — I'm not so interested in horses and lineage maybe, but you want to talk about it, I'll listen. You want to talk about the poetry of your grandfather and who he was, I'll listen. As long as there's nothing haram or kufr in it, I need to listen. This is what the Prophet ﷺ showed us by example.

Balancing Discipline, Love, and Freedom

May Allah grant all of us aulad salih. But what is the fine line between discipline and love? Sometimes it comes from a good place — parents are worried their child might get exposed to evil. So they exert a certain amount of control. At the same time, children need their own freedom. They need a bit of space, even from their own parents. How do we balance that love and discipline, giving them the freedom they need without having them overexposed or susceptible to harm?

If you want to protect your child from harm, they have to know what you're doing and why. We cannot simply say, you can't do this. A two-year-old or three-year-old — what do they love to do? They love to take the most dangerous thing. They're not going to take a mitten from the kitchen; they're going to take the knife. So we need to explain to them the wisdom and the hikmah as well. We have to explain to them: these harms are going to come to you. I am not trying to stop you from having fun. I'm trying to deprive you of harm.

My kids used to say, Baba, I want candy, candy. Of course, too much candy is harmful. So I just found on YouTube some visits to the dentist. I showed them the video and then I said, okay, no problem — here's five candies, I'll get you ten. But this is what you're going to have to go through. It works wonders. Because now they know why I was cautioning them. And two of them actually did have to go to the dentist and had a lot of work done. They remember that. But they forget. I said, okay, no problem — as long as you want to go to the dentist, I'll make his booking tomorrow morning, Saturday at 8 o'clock. We can find some spot. And from their mouths, they throw the candy out. They don't want it.

They have to be reminded of the hikmah of why we're doing what we're doing. And there is a really problematic idea that sometimes people have — that I need my children to see evil for them to recognize the good. That's a very huge misgiving. They say, let him go learn the evil, then he'll appreciate goodness. Evil — you don't need to expose him to it. He will get exposed to it himself. Let them see evil, interact with evil, so that they appreciate goodness — unfortunately, many times they get exposed to evil and just go that direction.

So we try our best to keep them away from evil while explaining to them the harms of it. And then replace it with something beneficial, enjoyable, halal, and good. We cannot create a vacuum.

Imam Shafi'i, rahmatullahi alayh, has his famous statement:

"If you do not keep yourself busy with the truth (good), it will keep you busy with falsehood (evil)."

The nafs — if you don't keep it busy in something good, it will keep you busy in something bad. An idle mind is a devil's workshop. They need to be kept busy in various events — sports, different types of projects, good friend groups, various things. But if a person constantly says, no, you can't do this, you can't do that, without giving an alternative, eventually that person is going to break. That's not the smart way to do things.

Creating an Environment of Trust and Openness

I remember one time, six or seven years ago, I was teaching somewhere and a parent came to me. He was so worried. He said, I caught my son with an MP3 player — not even a phone, just the most simple MP3 player, audio only. And he was beside himself. He said, what should I do? I've raised him, always kept him away from everything. And he has an MP3 player today.

This is a situation that happens more often than not — if, as a parent, we come across our child doing something we don't want them to do. This is a spectrum — it could be anywhere from something small like secretly missing salah, all the way to something major. How should we respond?

The key thing is there has to be openness and trust. The gold standard is that a child should be able to come and speak to us about anything they're involved in. So we try our best to create an environment where they feel that if I open up and share with my parents that I'm involved in something, I'm not going to get kicked out of the house. I'm not going to get yelled at so badly, or beaten so badly, that I wish I had never said anything. Children don't open up when they're afraid of major repercussions.

If they know that their parents prefer that no matter what happens, you just come and share with us — and we're here to help you, instead of you sharing with some random person online on some random WhatsApp group or Instagram — come share with your dad or your mom, whoever you're closer with. That is something that needs to be rewarded. We should reward our kids when they come and open up to us, even if they got involved in something wrong.

It's like a baby with a dirty diaper. Do you want him to walk around with leaked pants all over the place? Or do you want him to come and say, Mom, I went to the bathroom? Because if they don't say it, it's going to cause so much bigger problems. You want them to immediately come and tell you. Same thing with spiritual problems, spiritual sicknesses, and other issues they get involved in. There needs to be a level of trust.

If a child can look you in the face and lie to you — may Allah make it easy — that is very tough. I can't help people like that usually. I say, I'll help you with anything except this. Once you make tawbah from lying and swear you will never lie to me again — then I can help. But if you lie, I honestly can't help you. No matter what problem you're involved in, inshallah, I'll try to help you — but not with lying.

Do not create an environment in which our children end up lying. Ask them why they're lying — they'll say, because we're scared you're going to get mad at us. So you have to tell them: no matter what sin or what problem you committed, there is nothing worse in my eyes than lying. Anything else, I'll take it. But if I catch you lying, I've lost trust in you — and there's no way for me to do anything as a dad for you unless you speak the truth.

If you catch something, figure out the why. Always there's got to be a reason. Like a police officer who pulls you over for speeding — one of the first things they ask is: how are you doing? Is everything okay? Same thing — there has to be a reason why someone is doing something. If someone is hiding a cell phone — that's usually the big issue now — then we need to sit down, instead of getting mad, and say: what's going on? What do you need? What need is this fulfilling? Try to figure out what's going on. Don't start reacting. First, let that child of yours talk it out and mention what the issues are because of which they decided to do what they did.

Traditional Families and the Need for Healthy Outlets

Many traditional families have this mindset that the girl should be at home. The parents want daughters to understand the importance of homemaking. But if a girl is at home all day long, growing up as an American girl, they find that very difficult. I've seen a lot of times in these traditional families the kids actually become more rebellious and anti-social, because of being deprived of everything and not knowing how to have a meaningful conversation — they don't even know how to enjoy themselves. What they felt is: you just have to stay at home.

I'm remembering one kid now — you're talking about deen not being there, ya'ni, it was just some culture, I don't know what it was. I'd ask him, what did you do over the weekend? He says, nothing. I'm like, what do you mean? He says, just stayed at home. In the room. He lives one mile away from the masjid. Never comes to the masjid. Dad, mom, don't go to the masjid, nothing. Mom probably watching dramas, and the kids would just be at home. He was basically not a successful citizen of the world, you know — dunya, akhira, deen — just zero.

So it is important to safeguard our kids, but it's very important for them to become confident, well-educated, well-learned, and have good exposure with you. Traveling is a great way to expose them. You travel with them — that's a great learning experience, even just a road trip somewhere. You might not be interested in museums or historical things or nature, but this is where we need to connect our kids with. She's wearing niqab, she's at home, alhamdulillah — no problem. But when the weekend comes, we're going to travel. Summer comes, break comes, we'll travel. Traveling is a halal way to have fun with your family. Going out to eat with mom and dad and siblings, going to a park — whatever halal fun you can find. It goes back to the same thing — you cannot just create a void. You have to replace the haram with halal.

If you just tell people to stay at home without any outlet, in this day and age, it doesn't work. Because now, many fathers trying to get their daughters married — I'm remembering a case right now — the father is like, she is mashallah such a good girl. Oh really? He says, yes please, I'm looking for an alim-type person. Then the boy will reach out through his sister to the girl. And you get a whole different picture: my dad made me do all this, my dad made me become an alimah, my dad and my dad's sheikh forced me to do all these things. But I actually want to quickly get married and move on. I like to spend nights at coffee shops. I like to go out with friends.

What will come out afterwards — some of the most conservative families, and I come from a very strong background of tabligh as well — some of the most fahisha situations have also come from such families. And the dad and mom have absolutely no idea. Because I know one of my own students got a proposal. The girl's family came over, spoke, everything seemed good. After that, the girl got his number. He told me himself: she said, listen, I don't know about you, but this is who I am — she said the craziest things. I already have this many relationships. Check out my Instagram. I don't think you want to be stuck with me, because I'm definitely not what you all want. And he's saying this is a big family known in tabligh circles. But the mom and dad have no idea. They're literally deceived by the niqab. She attends ta'lim when it's held at home. Mashallah, when she was a child, she used to go with her dad, her mom. But she's a whole different person behind that.

This era is an era of nifaq — hypocrisy 2.0. Because hypocrisy was founded in the time of the Prophet ﷺ. You'll hear many bayans say hypocrisy ended. But now there's a resurgence of it — an identity online, and an identity in person. Completely different.

So many moms and dads, due to having this type of environment where it's just one way — repressing every single thing without allowing another outlet — have forcefully created underground tunnels. The children have dug up underground tunnels. If you can't allow me to come through the door, I'm going to come through the tunnel. That is a really sad situation.

The Root of the Problem in Religious Families

This is pretty much everywhere. In my exposure to kids, I would say — it wouldn't be a stretch to say — 75 to 80% of families are like this. The parents have absolutely no idea what's going on. I'll be honest: when I stand and speak here, I know what I'm speaking about. I'm a father of four as well. And I know that all the stories I share — Allah forbid a million times — could be one of my own kids' stories. It can happen.

But as a dad, I have to tell myself, and I have to tell my wife: this can happen in our home. You cannot be in a state of denial — that's a big problem. We think: my beard is going to save my kid. It doesn't. My madrasa certificate is going to save my son. It doesn't. My tahajjud — I pray my own thing, everyone's got to go in their own grave. Your own individual a'mal are good and Allah's help will come, but you also have to make effort.

Many times when I start speaking about these topics, there are brothers who prayed their Maghrib, did their awwabin, did their Hizbul Azam, and then stand up and leave while the talk is going on. And I'm thinking: literally, probably more than anyone else, you need to hear this talk. But they're just lost in their own little ibadah. Mom is, mashallah, a student of so-and-so alimah, taking 8 hours of online alimah classes at 50 years old.

If you're 45 to 50 years old, I'm openly saying — a 45 or 50-year-old mother studying an alimah program while the kids are running around on Instagram — you're going to get asked about this. You're not going to be asked about Bukhari Sharif. You don't need that right now. Your responsibility was to raise your four kids. My mother, jazahallah khayran, gave up her medicine. She was a practicing doctor — a pediatrician who did her residency in America. She gave that up in the early 80s. You know how hard it is to come from India, become a medical doctor, pass all your boards, do your residency in America, and be a board-certified pediatrician? But she gave that up to raise us. And that sacrifice, subhanAllah, benefited us tremendously.

Today, everyone is greedy for their own self. I have this desire, I want to go for this bayan, I want to become this, I want to do my hifz. I've got one dad who is so proud — he's doing hifz. He came to me: my son didn't do his hifz, so I'm starting hifz. He's very motivated. He said, I'm doing hifz, it'll take me 30 years, I'll do it. And meanwhile, his children live a stone's throw — literally a stone's throw — from the masjid. They have completely stopped coming. They pray for Jumu'ah, that's it. They say they hate the masjid.

I told him: stop memorizing Quran, man — you've got more important things to do. You've got bigger fish to fry. Allah is not going to ask you why you're not a hafiz. Allah is going to ask you about your kids. You're sitting there pursuing your own goals while your number one goal has got to be your kids. Of course you need basic goals, but you've got to worry about your children first. And I'm saying it knowing that I need to — whatever I say, may Allah make it easy for me to practice on myself.

We live in an era where everyone has their own personal goals. If I'm working 8 or 12 hours outside the house, and my wife also says, no, I've got to do my nails, go to this exercise club, go out with my girlfriends to a coffee shop, then go study my dars-e-Quran, study Alimah program, study Arabic — and the kids are all over the place — what's going to happen?

Yes, there are certain individuals whose kids are all grown up, graduated, married — alhamdulillah, then you can study. In my community, mashallah, we have one couple — parents in their mid-60s, mashallah tabarak wa ta'ala, a 65-year-old mom and dad who both finished their hifz. They started around the age of 60. Now both of them are doing the Alimah and Alim programs. They're senior citizens, closer to 70 — grandparents — both doing the Alim course, doing their hifz together. Mubarak, kudos — this is great. You've done your job. But when the kids need the parents most, that is not the time to be doing that.

The Digital Hidden World: What Parents Don't Know

Usually a dad would know who his son's friends are because he would see who his son is biking with, who he brings to the house, whose house he goes to. You could ask the teacher: who does he hang out with in class? Now, it's all online. And no one has access. Very few parents have access to their kid's phones. And even if they have, they have no idea where to search — because everything is password protected. It looks like a calculator, but it's a social media app. It looks like a calendar, but it's a social media app. Front is calendar, front is calculator — so you would never press it. But that's how they are today. Everything is deceiving, like they are some 007.

And then when you even open up a social media platform like Instagram, you see the normal postings — but there's a whole password-protected section that has all the other stuff. It's like a door behind a wall that you can't see. You have to know to type in the password for that option to even appear. So parents are not aware of these things, and that's why we get shocked when we find out what's going on.

Phones, Age, and Practical Balance

Should a parent give their children a phone? I know everyone's children have phones — I'm just raising the question for the sake of bringing back that original position. And if so, at what age? Because a phone is almost like a necessity nowadays, like breathing. And if they've already given their children phones, what's a good way to start balancing it out?

How to Win Your Children's Respect and Authority

A person needs to win authority — win the hearts and minds of people. Sometimes you have to spell it out. For example, how do you become more appreciative towards Allah? One of the best ways is to think about Allah's blessings upon you. When you start pondering over that, you just start falling in love with Allah.

Similarly, the dad or the mom — not yourself — should speak about the other parent's sacrifices for the child. The dad can talk about what the mom does. The mom can speak about what the dad does. Inculcate love and appreciation for the parent in the child's heart. Make them understand, through multiple examples on a regular basis, that the most care and love for them is held by their parents. And that you're not trying to do things for the sake of just being authoritative — rather, you're doing things for their betterment.

Try to get their buy-in. Don't force them. Ask: what are your thoughts about this? This is what I propose — do you have any ideas? Kind of like a democracy. The goal is one thing — you want to get to the same spot — but there's a way to do it. What do you think? This is the same way to speak to your spouse. You have a goal where you want to go, but instead of saying this is what you're going to do, you say, how about we make a mashwarah? And then at the mashwarah, you somehow get the same outcome you wanted — but the way you came across made the other person feel involved in the decision-making process.

You know Imam Bukhari's book, Birr al-Walidayn? Beautiful book, translated in English. All of us — maybe as 40, 50, 60-year-olds — should also be reading this book. It'll create love and appreciation for our parents and the rights of parents. It's easy to respect someone you love. And it's very hard to respect someone you don't like. It goes back to what I've been repeatedly saying: make sure the relationship with our children is good. If the relationship is good, inshallah, they will be willing to respect the authority as well.

Should We Dictate Our Children's Careers?

Naturally, children need their parents' guidance in every step. I definitely think parents should guide them — but don't force it. Because you don't want a career that you hate every single day for the rest of your life. They say, make your work enjoyable — make it your hobby. Work in the field that you genuinely believe is better meant for humanity. Work in a field that you can try to make meaningful. And if you're doing something and can't see any benefit, I'm sure you can find some. And if there seems to be nothing else, at least think of it as: it pays the bills in a halal manner. That itself is a good reason to work there. If we force it, there will always be resentment. That's not a good idea.

If We Find Our Children Exposed to Haram

I was recently with a very well-known scholar, and we were just having breakfast, talking about our kids. And he said something that I know is true — but when he said it, it hurt me, and it will probably hurt most of you as well, moms and dads. He said: in this day and age, expect — expect, expect — that your child will most definitely be exposed to haram. There is almost no way to fully protect them from it. Just accept it. It's going to happen. It might be at age 8, 9, 10, 12, or 13. If they are in the vicinity of a cell phone — not just at home, but at the masjid, at school, at the park, at the doctor's office — anywhere there is any type of exposure to technology, there is a very high likelihood of being exposed to haram. And now it's even beyond that — billboards and so on.

That's where it goes back to the idea of not being in denial. Don't say, oh, it can never happen to my kid. Expect it — it's going to happen. But then, prepare for it. When you know something's going to happen, you start preparing for the arrival. If there are houses being looted everywhere in riots — Allah forbid — you don't just say, I have my house. You barricade it. You do everything possible. So we know the era we're living in. That's why speaking to our children about these topics is important. Explaining to them: this is the haram out there. This is how you need to protect yourself from it. This is how it will destroy your dunya — not just your akhira. It will destroy your deen. It will destroy your psychology, your emotional well-being, your grades. Everything destructive.

That type of open discussion we have to have with our children. By being in denial, by not speaking about it — sometimes dads and moms who are unaware of the world say, astaghfirullah, you brought my son to your khutbah and you talked about this. But you have no idea where your son is. He's being exposed to this all day in school — in madrasa, alim school, Islamic school, public school, private school — every single place.

This is a topic for another day. I have done presentations on this, two hours long. This is a very important topic. As moms and dads, we need to educate ourselves and be comfortable addressing our children. And then, of course, taking control of our devices. If you have smart devices lying around at home, or you're giving your children smartphones, then obviously it's like giving an AK-47 to a kid and saying, hey, don't kill yourself. He's a kid — he's going to want to try it out. When he tries it out, either he's going to hurt someone or end up hurting himself, or some major damage is going to happen.

Now if you catch a child — my point is: if you jump on them and say I'm going to slap you, it's not going to help. If you see someone smoking heroin, Allah forbid — I've had to deal with moms and dads who caught their kids with heroin — that's a serious addiction. Hitting can't help. You have to now help them get off it. So similarly, very calmly address this issue if you find your child in this situation. Saying, astaghfirullah, shame on you, did I not teach you, I can't believe it — it doesn't help. We have to recognize that this is a problem and our child has gotten ill. Now let me get some therapy. Let me get some spiritual help, ruhaniyat. And let me have a proper heart-to-heart talk — like colleagues, not like a father and son screaming, or mother and daughter screaming. Just let's talk it out. I know it's uncomfortable, but let's speak about it. Let's get over this. Let's work on it together to get this out of your system. That type of openness on your behalf, at that time, inshallah, will safeguard that child — will bring him back out of the ditch. But if you are harsh, if you scream at that time, then the chance of that becomes very slim.

Closing Remarks and Announcements

We have to create an environment where we can get these questions answered and discuss these things openly on a regular basis. I love to speak on these topics regularly. I'm sure there are ulama here who can do that. I encourage you to continue to do these programs in your communities, attend them, and share them with others as well.

Alhamdulillah, as you know, I'm one of the teachers and co-founders of Darussalam in Chicago. Alhamdulillah, this year we've welcomed about 7 or 8 students from Mohammadi and Hamza to our one-year program. Many graduates, alhamdulillah, are already from the New York area. We've been running this unique one-year program since 2011. If there are any sons or daughters 17 and above who are wanting to learn about the program, alhamdulillah the train is about to leave the platform. It started moving, but it hasn't fully departed. So you can still jump on. It's for 17 and above. Those who have high school age kids, we do also offer a high school program. But we don't do dorming for anyone younger than 17. And for girls, they have to have their mahram — their brother, or mom and dad — staying with them. We don't have separate dorms for girls on their own.

Alhamdulillah, our Tafheem weekend program starts this weekend — tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. This is a program we've been doing for more than a decade, consistently. It's a four-year program in which we teach 24 subjects in English, non-Arabic. All classes are live and recorded, online and on-site, for men and women. It's ideal for high school students and above — 9th and 10th grade and above, all the way to working professionals. We have six new classes taught every semester. It starts tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. Central Time, 11 a.m. Eastern Time. The six subjects this semester include Fiqh of Finance, the Madani period, and Signs of the Hour, among others. You can take any one or all six.

And last but not least, I would like to invite you all, inshallah, to our annual Seerah conference. It takes place over a weekend — Friday evening there's I'tikaf, and then Saturday from Dhuhr all the way till after Isha. Every year we have a different theme with ulama speaking on it. This year's theme is: The Prophet's Family — Ahlul Bayt in the Sunni Tradition.

There is so much confusion around this. First of all, we Sunnis don't speak about Ahlul Bayt as much as we should. Second, the Shias have really taken over the social media arena, and a lot of our youth unfortunately are very confused about Shi'ism right now. Muharram 10th was very telling — so much confusion online. The Shia online presence has become a resurgence, and with everything happening in Iran and the region, many young people are thinking, these are the only people standing up — khalas, we've got to become Shia. And I'm serious — this is a big issue among the youth. A lot of confusion.

So please attend this conference in person if you can — on Friday, September 13th.

In the back, you'll see there's a salawat card. Our goal every year is to get as many people as possible doing durood shareef before the event. Alhamdulillah, in previous years, we were able to reach up to 75 million durood shareef collectively. How we do it: each box on the card is a hundred. Try to do 5,000 a week. You can do another round. Make a photocopy. There is also a QR code where you can deposit your count online, and you can see the virtues of durood shareef there as well.

We've printed a very simple durood shareef:

This is equivalent to two salawat. 5,000 — if you start doing it before you go to bed, you'll be done. You just have to get into the habit. Alhamdulillah, I'm so proud to say I've had kids — girls and boys — who won't go to bed until they've done their 5,000 a day. Little children. And the barakah in the home — don't even ask. Depression — out. Rida — out. Loans — out. Physical health, spiritual health — all these issues, mashallah, get addressed. You can literally see the face changing. Someone addicted to social media, addicted to watching haram — just get them onto durood shareef and you'll see the barakah.

Please, inshallah, take the cards home. Make the intention to do 3,000, 4,000, 5,000, or 10,000 a week. And inshallah, collectively from this community, we want at least a million. From Muhammadi alone — let's make that our goal. I have Sunday schools and maktabs where every year they make the intention: we're going to do 300,000, 400,000, 500,000, a million. They do it collectively, make their du'a, and deposit it online. Then I'll have Islamic Center of such-and-such: one million. Islamic Center of such-and-such: 300,000. MashAllah. This is a great way to get the ball rolling and bring khayr into the community — because we're all goal-oriented.

If there are any questions, after Isha we are here, inshallah.