Keeping Islam Alive in the Home with Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed

يَا اللَّهُ يَا وَهَّابُ يَا فَتَّاحُ.

صَدَقَ اللَّهُ الْعَظِيمُ

Respected elders and brothers, mothers and sisters, dear guests of the house of Allah. Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

Before we begin, I encourage everyone to sit as close as possible, to fill up the gaps. The way we performed our salah, shoulder to shoulder — let us also sit in any gathering of remembrance of Allah, any gathering of knowledge. Let's all sit as close as possible without any gaps. May Allah reward you for your sacrifice. May Allah reward you for your effort. And may Allah make your moving forward a step, a means of many many steps towards Jannatul Firdaus. Allahumma ameen.

This is our etiquette — that whenever we sit in any type of dini gathering, we sit with utmost respect for the gathering, utmost desire, sincerity, and trying to benefit. And insha'Allah, the more pure our intention is, the more we will walk away with from any gathering. It's not about who's speaking. It really is a lot about how much sincerity we've come with.

Once the Prophet ﷺ made a mistake in salah. He forgot. And when the mistake happened, he turned around and looked at the crowd. Because the effect of the crowd and the audience has on the person who's speaking and the person who's leading the salah — to the extent that the Prophet ﷺ is leading and he made a mistake, and he addressed the crowd.

So let's not underestimate the power Allah has given us as an audience. That if we are focused and we are sincere, then we can make amazing things happen. And if we are divided and distracted, then something that could be amazing turns out to be unfortunately not amazing at all.

So let's renew our intention while we are here. We're here to please Allah. We're here to find a path towards Allah. We're here to try our best to learn something that we can immediately implement and that we can share with others as well. So let's listen with the intention of implementation. Let's listen with the intention of propagation. Allahumma ameen.

Faith and Family

Beloved friends, today's reminder is on faith and family — how we can build successful families based around our faith. And I know this is a topic that there might be so many different aspects that can be covered. Naturally within 35–40 minutes, we can only cover a few.

The topic of family and faith is something that's very important because faith is actually the foundation of our lives right now, where we live. And the family has the largest role in preserving that.

Multiple studies have been done across the globe on what are the main factors that bring youth — young boys and girls — and make them enter adulthood in a state of firm faith. What becomes a means of a boy and a girl growing up to be a follower and a practitioner of the faith in which they were born into. Time and again, this research in different parts of the world has shown that one of the most important aspects of it is the relationship between children and their parents. The stronger the relationship between kids and their dads and their moms, the higher the chance of them remaining firm on their deen.

And interestingly, dads have been highlighted. There was a report shared in the New York Times — maybe 10 years ago or more, and you can find it online in archives — that studied the relationship between dads and their kids. It mentioned specifically that they did a cross-religious study of how people from various backgrounds — Jewish, Christian, Muslim, and other faith groups — and what was one of the telltale signs of a boy or girl, a young boy or girl, remaining firm on the faith in which they were born into. And they mentioned that it was not the school that they attended, or the mosque or church or synagogue they attended, but rather one big thing that affected this connection with their faith was the relationship they had with their parent — and more specifically, their father.

So this is something for us to take back. I deal a lot with youth who are on the verge of leaving the deen, who have left the deen. Their parents come and speak to me. Those who left Islam usually don't reach out — it's their parents who speak. Those who want to leave, they come and speak at times.

Honestly, my dear young men who are here — I'm so happy youth are here, alhamdulillah. Maybe young, soon to be married, already married. Maybe young fathers. It's a very important thing for us. We cannot repeat the mistakes that we're seeing happening in front of us.

The Collapse of the Family Structure

As someone who is alhamdulillah really well connected with youth from all different backgrounds, and who is seeing hundreds of cases per month of various issues across different ethnicities, different ethnic backgrounds, socio-economic backgrounds — I can tell you that I can't think of a problem that is not connected with the family. Whatever issue there is, you start probing and you see very quickly that the family structure has fallen apart. That there is no level of connection and love and respect within the home. And this young man or young woman doesn't find their house to be a safe place, and begins to look for that level of compassion, love, and acceptance outside the home.

And when you go outside the house, you have everybody. Every single Tom, Dick and Harry outside. And it's just a matter of time before a person is misled. So there isn't a problem in which we cannot directly find one of the main causes — and that is a toxic relationship at home, a disconnect within the nuclear family.

And since I said the word "nuclear family," let me add to this. The concept of just husband and wife and kids — this is not an Islamic concept, nor is this an Eastern concept. This concept is something newer to us. Otherwise, we lived as tribes. We lived as large families. We lived as extended families. And in that case, there were multiple layers of protection.

For a young child, if the dad wasn't around or the kid didn't get along with the dad, he had his uncle — multiple uncles, multiple aunts, uncles on both sides. Multiple people within the family to act as a parent. And of course, we had amazing grandparents who played a very central role in the tarbiyah and the upbringing of the young man and young woman.

Coming here to this country as a minority, disconnected from our larger families, SubhanAllah — we have suffered in many ways that we don't recognize and realize now, maybe. Some of us have already begun to feel the bite. That the lack of a larger family structure and the lack of extended family being together causes a situation where you have youth who are running around. Their father is at work — he works two shifts or one shift, long shifts, comes back home late, which is normal and typical. And so hours and hours of every single day, this child doesn't have the tarbiyah and the sohbah of his dad or her dad.

And then you have double income homes, which is now very normal. So you have the mom also working. And in this case, similarly, the young boy or girl is missing out on the company and sohbah of the mother. They have babysitters. One brother was just telling me he spends $5,000–$6,000 a month on babysitting costs. And SubhanAllah, now, when we've gotten accustomed to this — when even the parents are present, the babysitter is taking care. That's what he's telling me. I said, give me the hours. How does this work out? I said, but you're both at home. He said, yeah, but we've got the bad habit. So now the mom is at home, dad is at home — and who's taking care? Babysitter. SubhanAllah. And instead of having that loving, caring grandmother or grandfather, that compassion and care is not present.

How can we expect the tarbiyah to be given from some random person who's looking for an hourly job, who's not trained in any way and doesn't carry the level of love that a mom and dad have? So this desire to build a better future for our kids and work harder to build a bigger home than we had — it has harmed us in ways that we are not recognizing at the moment. Not realizing. Or some of us are realizing and crying quietly in the darkness of the night.

As one person said to me: growing up overseas, one father and mother raised 12 kids from a simple, humble home — with one bathroom, maybe, not even inside the house sometimes. And not once did they ever seek assistance and help from their neighbors with money. But after raising 12 successful children and bringing them to America and making them professionally successful, now those poor parents are treated like a volleyball — kicked around within the 12 kids because no one wants to take care of those senior elderly parents. Each one has a massive million-dollar home. But the parents do not find a space in any of those massive homes. The 12 kids, with their millions in assets together, are not able to take care of one or two ailing parents — the same ailing parents that gave up everything they had to raise these 12 kids.

Call it 6, call it 12, call it 8, call it 4 — how often we see this story playing out in America. So more is not more all the time. Many times a person realizes more is actually less. More square footage does not necessarily mean more happiness. Many times people will tell you, "I miss those days when we had a one-bedroom, two-bedroom apartment. I would get to see my kids every single day at every meal. And now, everyone is on their own floor. You call out to them, and your voice doesn't reach them. You have to call them on the phone. And who is going to pick up? They may pick up, they may not."

The larger the homes, the more the distance has become between the family members. The closer the homes and the quarters, SubhanAllah, the hearts were more attached. And you had many more meals together — actually, every meal was together. There was a very strict curfew. Everyone had to be home at Maghrib. Everyone had to have dinner together.

My father — may Allah preserve and have mercy on him — talks about his father, may Allah have mercy on him, my grandfather — that how he would come on a bicycle to school and would make very simple meals, sometimes just onions and bread because he didn't have much food, and would bring it to school and eat with his sons during lunch time. And people would say, "Oh my God, why is your dad coming?" Because it's not a normal thing. But that was a concern my grandfather had: "I want to make sure I spend my lunch time at school also with my kids." The sacrifices that our elders and parents made for us is just unbelievable.

Many of us should ask our grandparents if they're alive, and ask our parents: "How was it when you came to this country? How did you grow up?" And you will hear stories you never heard. That it was normal for them to wear patched clothes — yes, patched clothes, because they couldn't afford a new pair. A simple rickshaw would be too expensive for them to afford. They would do miles on bikes. Going out for an excursion was unheard of. Eating out — unheard of. Years would go by and they'd never even dream of something like that. There was no such thing as entertainment. It was a very tough life that they were raised in. But they studied so hard. They worked so hard. They tried to keep their deen. They tried to keep their dunya.

And the goal of coming to this country was so that SubhanAllah, "my children don't have to suffer as much as I did." But what they're soon realizing is that SubhanAllah, what you suffered overseas is nothing compared to what your kids are suffering here — if they have no deen. If they have no deen, then what they will suffer is unparalleled.

Giving Our Children the Opportunities We Had

One of my teachers would mention: "We strive to give our kids opportunities that we did not have. My son, I never had a volleyball coach. I never had a swimming coach. I never had a math coach. I never had a taekwondo coach. I never had a nice luxurious car when I was growing up — we barely had a bicycle. I want to give this to you." So my ustad says: do not only give your children opportunities that you did not have, but also consider giving them opportunities that you did have.

Part of those opportunities that our elders had growing up was the connection between every member of the household. Part of that opportunity was reading Quran out loud in our homes, having dhikr at home, listening to stories from their seniors at home, the connection between grandkids and grandparents, the connection between grandkids and the friends of their grandparents. There were so many good things that were happening. The visit to see scholars and ulama and to sit in their company. Many elders will tell me how their dads used to take them to visit the majalis and the gatherings of shuyukh — Thursday nights, Friday nights. They would travel when any visiting scholar would come, go sit right in front. And how they benefited from those meetings with ulama who put their hand on their little boy's head and made du'a for them.

Those are things that our parents enjoyed and had. So that's how profound it is — we need to make an effort to give our kids the opportunities that we did have.

Distraction and Disconnection in the Modern Age

If we think right now that we're living in a disconnected world — and I'm sure all of us agree, we're all victims of it — SubhanAllah. Did you hear how many times someone says, when a program is finished, they'll say, "Mufti Sahib, why didn't we know we had a program? I didn't hear about it." And you look at the person and say, "Seriously? I announced it for six days in a row after salah. There was a huge flyer outside. We sent out a text message. We sent out a WhatsApp message. What else do you want me to do? Besides doing jumping jacks at the front entrance, what else should I do?" But this is a normal thing. People say, "I didn't hear about it."

The level of distraction we have today because of social media and our phones is such that there was a time when parents would call up to their kids who were upstairs playing, "Come, dinner is ready," and you'd have to call them three times before they'd hear it, then they'd close their board game or shut off their computer or Nintendo and come and eat. But now, how many of us have witnessed — and have been a victim or even an abuser ourselves — when we're sitting at a table in front of someone and that person is speaking to us and we don't hear what they say. And then you say, "Did you just say something?" and they reply, "Brother, I've been speaking to you for the past two minutes." We completely didn't realize, while sitting eight, twelve, sixteen inches away from someone, that they were actually speaking to us — because of the distraction that our devices have become.

So now welcome to a new world of distraction, where we have AI-controlled things and where every single thing is now moving onto the phone — from our credit cards to our driver's license to our ID to our car keys. The amount of hours we look at our screens — may Allah forgive me and forgive us. SubhanAllah, if you look at your screen time, just take a look. How many hours? That amount of hours we have not looked at faces of humans. We have looked at one screen more than we have looked at any human face collectively speaking. Ten hours, twelve hours, eight hours, seven hours, nine hours — whatever the case may be.

So now, my dear friends, if we do not immediately take hold of the structure of our family, this disintegration is going to grow further and the disconnect is going to grow further.

Besides the distractions that this phone has given us and how it's not allowed us to connect with one another — what else has happened? People have become very ill-tempered. They've lost patience with one another. No one has forbearance. Everything is "my way or the highway." So now everyone is snapping at one another — parents snapping at kids, kids snapping at parents, astaghfirullah. Husbands snapping at wives, wives snapping at kids and husbands. It's full scale.

A father was complaining to me yesterday — he left me a three-minute voice message: what has this boy not done? Nineteen-year-old, twenty-year-old — including pushing his mom. Hitting his mom. Pushing the dad. I'm dealing with cases of kids actually hitting their moms, where the mom had to call the cops to protect herself from her own son. That is the new era we're living in.

Where the Nabi ﷺ said that a child will become a means of great anger for the parents — that parents wish they never had kids — because that's the amount of suffering that parents will have to endure at the hands of their children.

So if we do not immediately start focusing on this relationship building within our homes, and begin to take husband-and-wife and parent-and-children relationships seriously — not only are we going to break the marriage and break the house, but secondly, the deen is going to go out the door.

You have loving moms — like the case I'm just speaking about from last night. Husband and wife, mashaAllah, get along. Great family. But they haven't been able to properly educate this one kid, and they have been having a very difficult time. With husband and wife on the same page, they're having a difficult time raising one child properly. When husband and wife are at war with one another, and their entire resources are spent trying to prove the other person wrong and make the other person look bad in front of the kids — imagine what will happen to those poor kids. When you're on the same page, we're seeing children falling away. When the effort instead of raising a child goes into pointing guns at one another — how hard is it going to be then to raise successful children?

The Masjid Alone Cannot Save Our Children

So this is the future. If we want to save the iman of our children — I mean it — building a new addition to the masjid may not help alone. Adding a new gymnasium to our masjid may not help alone. Because quality-wise, you'll never be able to build what our tax dollars built. Who's going to come to the masjid? You have to have kids who want to come to a gym that is connected to a masjid. Do I want to be anywhere near the masjid? If that child had a bad environment at home, he won't.

I'll tell you a real case. A young man comes to me and says that he has a very toxic relationship with his dad. His dad is a board member of a masjid, an active person at the masjid. Yet he mistreats — he speaks so harshly to the kids, to the mom, to everyone. And you cannot say anything because there's narcissism, arrogance that is raging. So this young man said: "My dad has been so harsh with me that I have absolutely now no desire to go to the masjid. I don't want to pray. I turned away from the deen because my father represents Islam. He's a board member of a masjid. And he's so bad at home. So I don't want to go to the masjid. I want nothing to do with this."

He stopped going to the masjid for a long time. Then someone connected him with the durus that happen in our masjid. And he started listening online. MashaAllah, he liked it, he benefited. He said, "I want to go attend in person." So he went. And I said, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the other masjid, 10–15 minutes away. There's a good program happening tonight. I want to go benefit." His dad says: "No, you can't leave the house. If you're going to go, you have to go to the masjid where I'm on the board. You cannot go to any other masjid." So the son said, "My father doesn't even allow me to come benefit from this. So I'm just listening online." And I'm shocked. This is 2025. These type of things are happening right under our nose.

Too many examples of dads with their own hands actually taking an axe and cutting their own feet. Your child is your greatest investment. Why would you ruin this by your words, your actions? But that's what a whole bunch of people are doing today — their children are being pushed away from deen because of what their moms and dads say and do.

So the tarbiyah that has to be made is of the dads and the moms. But maybe for this generation it's too late. Alhamdulillah, that's why I'm so excited to see these young faces here. You still have time to become a dad. You still have time to become a mom. If you do things properly, there is still a lot of hope.

Some youth, when I hear their background, I wonder — how did you even make it here? How did you make it? Just listening to their background, you wonder: honestly, this is a miracle that you made it to the masjid and are still connected to Islam.

The Home Cannot Be Replaced

The foundations of the faith are in the family. No madrasah, no masjid can provide what a good, loving, caring, God-fearing family can provide. You can send your child to the best madrasah out there, but it cannot replace the softness of the mother, the soft tarbiyah of the mother, and the firm tarbiyah of the father. It cannot replace the cuddle of the dad and the mom. You can pay as much as you want at a private school, to any masjid, to any madrasah, to any seminary — but the tarbiyah that happens at home is unique.

Yesterday, one of my past students — he's married, he's got a kid now — walked in from another area, far away. He came to the masjid after Isha. He always brings something with him — some food, a gift, something like that. So I was jokingly saying as I was leaving, "Oh bhai, you don't have your brown paper bag." He said, "Actually I have it in my car. I came looking for you." He drives 15 minutes away. He came to meet me. He literally went to the car and brought something. I took it home, served it to my parents. Then I left him a voice message with so much du'a in my heart. I said, "I'm so happy people like you exist. And I am envious of the tarbiyah that your parents gave you. I hope I can do the same tarbiyah to my children."

His mom passed away — may Allah have mercy on her. But it is the tarbiyah of his mom, and of course his dad as well, that raised him such that you will never go empty-handed when you go visit your elders. Even though he only studied with me one year in our one-year program. But this understanding his parents gave — that your ustad is like your parent, and when you go visit them, you want their du'a. And he got it. Honestly, I made so much du'a for him and his kids. Because it makes you happy that there are well-mannered people. And the du'a goes to his mom — may Allah raise her status — for raising a son with adab.

The Best Gift: Good Character

And this is the biggest thing you and I can give to our children — to make them well-mannered. That is the biggest thing we're lacking today. We have people who have accolades — Harvard graduate, Yale graduate, medical school grad, MIT grad, starting off a successful startup. But SubhanAllah, they do not know how to greet their dad, do not know how to greet their mom, do not know how to greet anybody. So what's the point?

The Prophet ﷺ said:

No parent has ever given a gift to their child more virtuous, more sublime, than good character and etiquette. (Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1952)

Good etiquette is the best gift we can give to our children. My dear dads and moms — when we come and say, "Alhamdulillah, my son is a graduate, he has this degree and that degree," the first question should be: how do they treat you? How often do they express their appreciation, their love? If they don't treat you — you who paid for their college, who went through three jobs, midnight shifts, to pay for everything they have today — honestly, I think you should just stop right there. Because I have no expectation of someone doing anything for anybody if they cannot take care of the hand that has fed them for the past 30 years, the hand that washed them when they were a young kid. If that child and that young man and young woman doesn't respect their mom and dad, then that's a failure.

We are not here producing little slaves for the capitalistic system. Just create little people who can produce $300,000–$400,000 for the government? Just make tax dollars? Is that success? If the goal is to produce a God-fearing, well-mannered young lady or young man who fears Allah, who loves Allah, who loves his or her parents, who loves his or her spouse, and takes care of their family — then sending them to a prestigious professional school has nothing to do with that. It has absolutely nothing to do with that.

One brother — he donates a lot to different Islamic causes, Islamic schools. One day someone asked him, "MashaAllah, how come you're always the first one to raise your hand? Especially for Islamic seminary schools?" He said, "My story is that I always made lots of du'a that I want my son to go to MIT. That's all I asked for." And that du'a was accepted. His son got accepted at MIT. Within the first semester, the son came home to his dad and said, "Semester is going well, everything is good — but I just got some news for you. I'm no longer a Muslim."

He said, "SubhanAllah, when he said that to me, that's when the reality came forward. That all along, my du'a was so incomplete. I was focused on a specific university. I didn't even think about adding, 'Ya Allah, allow him to get to MIT if it is good for his deen,' or 'Ya Allah, allow him to be an amazing representative of Islam and a follower of Rasulullah ﷺ and a great flag bearer of Islam at MIT.' No. Just get into MIT. Well, that's exactly what Allah gave. You wanted that, you got it. You didn't add anything else to the du'a and hence you didn't get it." He said, "Now I'm suffering that my son has left Islam because of my own mistake. And so what I'm trying to do is support institutions and places where at least if my child is lost, hopefully other kids won't be lost."

But I want to repeat — seminaries and Islamic schools don't save children. They're not the first line of defense. The first line of defense is the house. We have many instances of Islamic schools producing atheists. Many instances. Graduates of Islamic schools holding unlimited beer parties. Some of them girls who are actually hosting the party in their dorms at university — having spent 12 years in Islamic school, paid $9,000–$10,000 a year, $12,000 a year. And some of them openly declare atheism. I can just think of names right now as I'm speaking to you — graduates from Islamic schools who openly are atheists or agnostics.

What's going on? An Islamic school — or a madrasah, or a hifz school — is not sufficient to prepare our kids to preserve their iman today. Yes, some of them need to do a major overhaul of their curriculum. Most of them need teachers who are much more experienced and well-versed in Islamic studies. Even the math teacher should be able to teach math from an Islamic perspective. The English literature teacher should be teaching English literature from an Islamic perspective. That's not happening in most places. And Islamic studies is the most oppressed subject — you can get 30% on it or fail it, and no one is going to stop you from moving on to the next grade. It's the class where you make paper airplanes — at least when I was going to school.

SubhanAllah, when we tell our kids Islamic studies is not important — you can fail and have fun, as long as your math and English and science is good, you'll move to the next grade — that is the hypocrisy we show to our kids. We claim to be Muslim. We have a Muslim school. We claim to be Muslim. But the practice and teaching of Islam is the least important subject. And everything else is at the top.

So our actions are now coming to bite us. Because our children are like: "Dad, Mom, that's what you taught us. We're just going to fulfill your dream. If you were 95% materialist and 5% Muslim, we're going to be 100% materialist and 0% Muslim. Because we want to outdo you in what you did."

The Importance of Sohbah — Companionship

So dear friends, the family is what we have to work on. The faith within the family. Alhamdulillah, you have so many programs in this region. But the question is, to what degree am I benefiting from those programs? To what degree is my family attending those programs together? Sohbah, sohbah, sohbah — that's the main thing. There has to be companionship. There has to be sitting in the company of a righteous, God-fearing person.

Online distant learning does not give you that. Many people choose to have an online Quran teacher. You could do that if no one's available at that specific time of day. But that does not replace an in-person Quran and Islamic studies teacher.

There's a story mentioned of a mom who brought her child — who was 5 years old — to the masjid, to the Quran teacher. Those women at that time understood these things. She said, "Sheikh Sahib, I brought this child." He said, "What do you want me to teach him?" She said, "I would like you to teach him adab." He said, "How old is he?" She said, "Five years old." The ustad said, "Sorry, this is the wrong age." She said, "Okay, I'll take him." He said, "No, it's already too late. You do not start learning adab at 5. You start learning adab at a much, much younger age."

Now, isn't that definitely true today? I have a 4-year-old at home, almost turning 5, SubhanAllah. Those of you with 2, 3, 4-year-olds — my God, how advanced are they? Either they have adab or they don't. It's already very apparent right now how they speak. They have to be taught from now. That doesn't mean if we have a 5-year-old or a 15-year-old, we should give up. But my point is the time to start focusing on adab is when we're singing nursery rhymes to them. Right now it's adab. Teach that child: this is how you stand, this is how you sit, this is how you speak, this is how you treat your grandmother, this is how you treat your dad.

The worst thing to say is "he's a little child, he will learn." In the past, I know that our parents — when our math teacher or English teacher from Islamic school would call and say, "Your child is acting like this" — who would we be scared of? Our parents. Like, "Oh my God, the school teacher called today, now we're going to get it." Now, the school teacher is scared of the parents. Not the kid — he's relaxed, he's got his feet extended out, he's eating, he's chewing gum. Yeah, "call my dad, call my mom," because he knows what type of parents he has. The parents are all about "my son, my son." No wonder this generation is the way it is. It's not the kid's fault — I squarely put the blame on the parents. And it's weird because they were born overseas and were raised properly. How did they forget all the tarbiyah that their dad and mom gave them so quickly?

The Community Raised Children Together

Everyone wants to sue the masjid, sue the Islamic school, sue everybody. All of our uncles here will tell you — they were raised at a time that if you came to the masjid without a topi, some random person would say, "How do you come to the masjid without a topi?" Not your dad. And your dad would never get upset. "Good — you should have given him two." The whole community raised the children together.

Try that today. Try to tell one kid, "Son, can you please stay quiet?" You'll be yelled at in the parking lot. "Who are you? Is that you who spoke to my son? You told him to stay quiet in the masjid?" That's the reality today. Just like doctors are scared of lawsuits, masajid, madaris, Islamic schools, hifz teachers, imams — everyone's scared. "Touch me not." And honestly, we're suffering. We're suffering because we can't say anything to anybody.

There's a famous story of one of the khulafa — he sent his son to a scholar to learn Arabic grammar, Islamic studies. He is the Ameerul Mu'mineen — he is ruling a space greater than America and Russia combined. And he sends his son to a scholar to learn. When he goes to the scholar, he sees that the ustad is doing wudu and his son — a prince — is pouring water from a water jug on the ustad's feet as the ustad makes wudu. He got upset. He said, "I sent him to study with you adab and etiquette. Why are you making my son pour water on you only? Why are you not making him wash your feet as well?" This is the ameer of one third of the populated world. But he wants his son to become somebody.

If you want your son and daughter to become somebody, they can't walk around with their ego, my friend. They can't walk around being full of themselves. They have to humble themselves if they want to become something. By constantly cuddling them and saying no one can say anything to them, no one can correct them — we are creating a Frankenstein.

And everyone agrees that this generation is far weaker. Twenty-year-olds come into the office and SubhanAllah, you have to keep a box of Kleenex for them. They're crying as they speak to me. I never imagined a 22-year-old crying like this. But we're creating very weak people. And part of that weakness is again coming from the way we've raised them. So we have to trust that our son and daughter are going to be able to handle themselves.

I run a madrasah. So I'm telling you — we have the biggest stresses from parents. And so many times the thought comes: I'm done with this. I am done with teaching little kids. Forget it. I'm just going to teach college kids and above. Because you seem to want to raise a different type of kid. And I want to raise people with iman. I want to raise a kid who, when he memorizes the Quran and walks out of this place, loves the sunnah more than anything else, loves the deen more than anything else. It's not that when he's at the madrasah he wears his kufi, grows out his beard — and as soon as he leaves, everything goes out the door. What's the point of putting my effort into a family that is not on the same page?

Choosing the Right Spouse — A Foundation of Faith

If we want these young men sitting here — if we want to not repeat mistakes that you have seen — where do we start? Young women and men who may be listening:

Number one is you have to choose the right spouse. A spouse on the basis of iman. Very straightforward. Your priority is iman. You and I — we are spiritual buddies. We are going to push one another towards deen. That should be your interview. The way you talk to each other.

They say: if you see me, my dear wife-to-be — if you see me sleeping through Fajr, what are you going to do? If you see me watching TV or watching NBA reels at Isha time, what are you going to do? If I tell you, let's go out for dinner, and there are three minutes left for Isha and we live across the street, what are you going to do? If I hear about an amazing investment opportunity, but it's a bit shady, and I say we're going to get 25% return guaranteed — what are you going to do? What if for our anniversary I'm so excited and I want to buy something for you, but I don't have the cash — so I'm going to put a $10,000 diamond ring on my credit card, and obviously I can't make $10,000 payments per month, so I'm going to incur a little interest — what do you suggest? What would you do?

You need a spouse — dear women, dear men — who says, "No, I will definitely do everything in my control to ensure that you do what Allah and His Rasul want, and you stay away from that which is against the sunnah and that which is haram. And I'm there to assist you." And the same thing goes: dear future husband — if you see me sleeping through salah, or being lazy to pray, or wanting to go out for a girls-only event but wearing clothing that might be very revealing — what would you do? If I say I'm going to come back home at 12 o'clock — what would you say? If I begin to spend an entire week worried about this thing and that thing, and I haven't picked up a mushaf the entire week — what would you do? If I don't know how to read Quran with tajweed properly — what would you do for me? When our child is born, what's the first thing you're going to assist me with? What's our goal with our children?

The number one partner we have to push ourselves forward and to bring faith into the family is our spouse. The closer you are to them on the matters of deen, and the more gelled you are with them on matters of deen, the easier it will be to lead a beautiful, successful, happy, and faith-filled life. But if we're at odds with one another the whole time, then it's going to be World War III every day. And who suffers? You both suffer. But beyond that, of course, the kids suffer immensely.

This is something we all need to now resolve. Those who are not married — make niyyah now that when you get married, the number one foundation of your marriage has to be on the matters of deen. I promise you, if your wife is genuinely God-fearing — and God-fearing doesn't mean tahajjud all night and then swearing at you. God-fearing means that you fulfilled the rights of Allah and whatever Allah has obligated on you in terms of respecting one another. What does a God-fearing husband mean? The one who donates a big cheque to the masjid but at home is acting very harsh and narcissistic? Absolutely not. A muttaqi, one who follows the deen and the sunnah, is the one wherever he goes, people welcome him. Whenever he leaves, people miss him. That's what one of my teachers said to me as parting advice on this recent trip. He said, "Make sure you lead your life such that when you're gone, people miss you immensely because of what you brought to the table."

We need to ask ourselves as husbands and wives, as dads and moms — if I'm gone today for one week, am I being missed, or is everyone happy that I'm gone? Ask this question. Am I being missed, or are people rejoicing?

The Fitna of Technology Within Marriage

So if the foundations of our marriage are right, insha'Allah everything will fall into place. Today we have a massive issue of misuse of phones. Massive issue. With AI here, ChatGPT now releasing the most haram content — it's going to be an unprecedented level of fitna. Unprecedented. I don't know what we're going to do. It's going to be crazy.

Even after marriage, we're not safe. Do you know how many couples I know whose marriages are falling apart because of misuse of watching haram on the phone? They're married. Married, in the same room. But yet they're involved in haram. And when they find out what happens, they want a divorce. That's because they're not friends. Husbands and wives need to see eye to eye. And they need to genuinely say, "I am your friend, you're my friend. We're going to look out for each other." But if we cannot correct and help one another as spouses, who are we going to help?

And I'll end with this beautiful hadith. The Prophet ﷺ said:

May Allah have mercy on the man who wakes up at night to pray and wakes up his wife; if she refuses, he sprinkles water on her face. And may Allah have mercy on the woman who wakes up at night to pray and wakes up her husband; if he refuses, she sprinkles water on his face. (Sunan Abu Dawud, Hadith 1308)

My friends, whose face can you sprinkle water on? Someone who you have an amazing relationship with. Right now, don't go try this at home — because I don't know if you have that relationship. If you do, kudos to you, mashaAllah. But at least you should go tell your spouse today, "I heard this hadith. I want to get that du'a of Rasulullah ﷺ. I won't sprinkle on you — but can you please make sure I'm up?" Because tahajjud time is starting now over the next few weeks. This is the latest tahajjud will be in the entire year. If we cannot wake up now, how are we going to wake up any other time of the year? And who can help us? Our spouses — for those who are married.

I'm not telling you to go sprinkle on anyone. But tell them: "I heard this hadith. Can you please share this reward with me and make sure I'm up?" That's an amazing relationship between husband and wife. That's real romance. Real romance is you're preparing to not just have an anniversary dinner. I have people who call me from their honeymoon — wallahi. From $5,000–$10,000 trips overseas, from $800-a-night hotels. "I want a divorce." So money does not buy love, my friends. Deen is what brings love. Lead your life such that you would prepare for an everlasting honeymoon in the akhira.

A Powerful Story: The Harsh Father

Can I mention one more story — for dads? One of the brothers, SubhanAllah — he told me his dad got very ill in Pakistan. So he went to go visit him. But his dad was that very tough, narcissistic, very harsh dad. Very bad relationship with the kids. He said, "The only reason I grew up okay is because I was in America — I wasn't there. The rest of the people back at home in Pakistan were all under the iron fist of the dad." So unfortunately, the nephews, the nieces, everybody — they didn't like him. They hated him. So he got sick. People were not sad about it.

He said, "I went and met my father in the hospital. And I had the guts — because I'd been living away from him for so long — to tell him: 'Dad, do you realize that your entire family — your kids, the nephews and nieces — they don't like you. And they're actually maybe not even sad that you're sick. Because of the way you mistreated them your entire life.'"

Now imagine the guts it took. Do you think the father realized this? Narcissistic people, they don't realize. But somehow — maybe in the throes of death — this man was struck. He was like, "Oh my God, I can't believe — I never realized what I've done to my own kids and grandkids."

Allah gave him another three to six months to live. What did he do for those last months? He literally got out of the hospital and spent his entire day and night just sharing hugs and kisses and kind words with his family. And SubhanAllah, he wrote a bequest, a wasiyyah, and he said, "When I pass away, I want that son to come and lead my janazah. Because I am indebted to him. He saved me from the fire of Jahannam. He taught me what no one else had taught me."

So I hope I never become a dad like that. And I hope you all don't become dads like that — that we have to be told in the throes of death how we have treated our kids and our spouse and our family.

Questions and Answers

How do we balance our busy work lives with personal time and family?

I saw a clip yesterday — an interview of the founder and CEO of Telegram. He was asked, "What assets do you have? Do you have a private island? Do you have a private jet?" He said, "I have none of that." He was asked why. And he said such an imani answer — may Allah grant him hidayah. He said, "When you have things, I would be worried about the upkeep and taking care of that plane, that house, that real estate. Life is short, you have very limited time. I want to use my time on bigger things. I don't want to be spending that time on burdens I've put upon myself." He said, "You don't own the house — the house owns you. You don't own a jet — the jet owns you. You don't own a business — the business owns you."

So the idea is our priorities in life — we have to fix them. Allah did not create me in this world to simply earn. I am not living to earn. I am earning so that I can take care of my basic necessities. I know people who refuse a promotion at work. They told me, "I can earn $150,000 extra, but I said no." I said, "Why?" He said, "Because I'll have to travel, and I'm not going to leave my wife and kids. Alhamdulillah, Allah has already given me enough. I'm not going to be greedy for more." That's an amazing attitude.

Now my dear friends — greed has no end. The Nabi ﷺ said:

If the son of Adam were to have two valleys of gold, he would wish he had a third. And nothing will fill his mouth except the soil of the grave. And Allah turns in mercy to whoever repents. (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 6439; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1048)

You know — when you throw soil on your deceased relatives and friends — when that soil hits the mouth, that's when the realization comes that it's all over. It's too late at that time. So we have to ensure that we live within the bounds of qana'ah — contentment. Train yourself: do not go to the store without a list prepared. And if you see something that's not on your list, don't get it. Because if you really needed it, you would not have forgotten to write it. That's how we live a life — not constantly just purchasing, swiping right, swiping left.

My parents are constantly belittling me and making clear that I'll never be enough. It still bothers me. What do you advise?

Every one of us has our own akhirah. As a dad, if I do wrong to my son and daughter, I am going to pay the consequences for that — unless Allah forgives me and they forgive me. However, children should still respect their parents. Even if what we get from them is something that is not nice or not right — remember, everyone is going to have their own day in front of Allah. Everyone is going to be judged separately. So even if our parents do something incorrect, it does not give us a right to mistreat them. It does not give us a right to say, "You were mean with me, I'm going to be mean with you." Not allowed.

At the same time, belittling you and saying you're never enough — honestly, maybe they don't realize that. Sometimes you just have to let your parents know. Maybe you can't let them know directly because the relationship is such that it's difficult. Send them a link to this talk, or some of my talks where I've spoken on these topics. I gave a talk at Darussalam — it was about 6–8 weeks ago — just focusing on dads and toxicity at home. Share it in your family group. Someone will get it. And that scholar who's speaking on the topic of how dads need to be at home — they need to hear it from somebody. And they'll realize: "You know what? That's me right there. I'm that father, SubhanAllah, that he was just speaking about." You can also find someone in the family that your parents respect, who can bring this up to them.

How do you handle extended family that causes issues for your nuclear family? Should you distance yourself?

If you have people who are creating problems within the family, you say salaam from far away — you don't fully disconnect from them. But if every time they come to your home an argument strikes, then maybe instead of them visiting your home, you go visit them. Then you can leave whenever you want. Because when you go to someone's house, you can leave — but when someone is in your house, you can't tell them to leave. So keep that relationship — drop off some gifts, visit them, keep it short and sweet. And the rule should be silence: when someone says something nonsensical, just don't respond.

How do we advise our spouses regarding deen matters in a way that they will listen and change?

First, build the relationship. And instead of saying, "You're doing this wrong, you're doing that wrong," nitpicking — people just get very sensitive and become defensive. So the idea is to let the talking happen by someone else. Bring them to a masjid program slowly. And let the imam know that these are topics you'd like kindly addressed in the khutbah or the talk. Insha'Allah, let them hear it from someone else. That will help.

How do you balance time doing khidmah, traveling, working, and your own hobbies with giving enough time for your family?

"Enough time" is a very subjective term, and there are different times and ages in which each child requires different levels of attention. What I will say is that when one parent is busy with work or traveling, we have to ensure that the other parent is fully available for that child. If both parents are disconnected or distant or at work for extended hours, then that's a serious problem. We have to make sure there's a pilot and a co-pilot — the cockpit should never be free from both.

So you can take turns. But someone should be present. And as one father who is a child psychiatrist advises — there should be downtime with each child, ideally even for a few minutes every single day. With each child separately. Five minutes, six minutes. And if you can't do it every day, then every few days. At the very least, at least once a week. For example, you're going for an oil change — you take one kid. You're going to get groceries — you take another child. Or simply sit and have breakfast together. Go on a date with a kid — one on one. Sunday morning coffee run. SubhanAllah — spending time with each child and listening to what they have to say is of extreme importance.

What does proper tarbiyah at home look like?

Bring the discussion of sunnah into the home. For example:

Number one: Daily recitation of the Quran at home, ideally collectively.

Number two: Daily dhikr of Allah — Istighfar 100 times, Salawat 100 times, La ilaha illAllah 100 times. You don't have to start with 100. Do 10, 10, 10. Do 20, 20, 20. Something like that.

Number three: Read from a book. Downpour of Blessings by Khalid Baig is a beautiful collection of hadith with English commentary and translation. You have Riyad al-Saliheen with commentary. You have Hayat al-Sahaba — new editions with nice English translations by Sheikh Yusuf al-Kandhalwi. You have books like Men Around the Messenger and Women Around the Messenger. Books in which the seerah and sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ and the Sahabah are discussed are really good things to have in your home.

And if you see something wrong, nicely point it out. Do not let things slip. Don't say, "He's just a child." Do not let these things slip.

How do you gauge the sohbah and good influence on your kids? How do you ensure good friends when even madrasah kids can be problematic?

This is a very legitimate question. Ideally, we have to train our children about the outside world. The best sohbah should be mom, dad, and siblings. That's how I grew up. I grew up in a small town where there were barely any Muslims. So our sohbah was our parents and our siblings. SubhanAllah — you can control the environment in your home; you can't control outside. So train your kids: "When you go outside, you're going to see these things." Before they hear it from somebody else, we should say it.

And constantly be aware of any slightest change happening within your kids. Study them. When they walk in — how do they walk in? Look at their face. How are they reacting to something? When you speak about the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ, are they responding in a dismissive manner, or are they like, "Wow, that's amazing, I want to do that"? You can sometimes throw out these topics or questions to see the response of your kids — to see whether they're being affected by the outside environment or not.

How can we create the love and softness of Rasulullah ﷺ within our children when advising?

Read a hadith about tarbiyah. The Nabi ﷺ says:

Allah gives on account of gentleness what He does not give on account of anything else. (Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2593)

Whoever is deprived of gentleness is deprived of all goodness. (Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2592)

A household that is deprived of softness has been deprived of all goodness. So reading a hadith will keep us in check. And Surah Yasin and Surah Rahman soften the heart. If you have somebody in your family that's very hard-hearted, read Surah Yasin and Surah Rahman regularly and dedicate the reward — isal al-thawab — to that individual. Through the barakah of that, insha'Allah, their heart will also soften.

Closing Du'a

We ask Allah to accept whatever was shared and said. Oh Allah, we ask You to allow all of us to grow amazing families. Oh Allah, allow us to be part of amazing families. Oh Allah, allow all the infighting and misunderstandings that are happening within our community — between spouses, between parents and their children — Oh Allah, remove that. Oh Allah, do not allow nafs and shaytan to have a share in our marriages. Do not allow nafs and shaytan to have a share in our homes. Oh Allah, allow us to bring the sunnah into our lives, bring the sunnah into our homes. Oh Allah, put muhabba and love between spouses, between parents and children. Oh Allah, make the parents loving and caring towards their children. Make the children respectful, loving, and caring towards their parents. Oh Allah, we ask You to increase the muhabba and love between siblings, between relatives, between uncles, aunts, nephews and nieces. Oh Allah, we ask You to allow us to give the proper attention to raising our children. Oh Allah, every child requires a different type of tarbiyah — allow us to give each child the tarbiyah that he or she requires.

Oh Allah, those who are not married — allow them to find the very best and most appropriate of spouses. Oh Allah, we ask You for those who are making du'a for their children to get married — allow them to find righteous spouses. Oh Allah, those who are sick — grant them shifa. Oh Allah, one brother just passed away as we're speaking — brother Hafiz Faizan's cousin Hamza. Oh Allah, make it easy for his whole family to be patient in this difficult time. Oh Allah, allow all those who've lost their loved ones to remain patient, and allow their good deeds to be sent over to those who have passed away.

Oh Allah, help our brothers and sisters in Gaza. Oh Allah, help our brothers and sisters in Sudan, Somalia. Oh Allah, help our brothers and sisters in Yemen, Afghanistan, India, Pakistan, and all over the globe — wherever the ummah is going through difficulty and strife, civil wars, external wars, internal wars — Oh Allah, grant them safety and security. Oh Allah, protect us from the genocide against souls, and against iman in this country and in all other countries where the iman of the youth is being attacked. Oh Allah, those who left Islam — bring them back. Those who are on the verge of leaving Islam — Oh Allah, protect them and bring them back to the deen.

Oh Allah, whatever needs any one of us have, whatever du'as anyone is making in their hearts — Oh Allah, through the barakah of this gathering, through the presence of the angels, through the presence of the elderly here in this gathering, we ask You to accept all of their du'as.

Jazakumullah khairan. Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.