Mon 12/23 | Rise & Reflect | Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed | Winter Intensive 2024

Prophetic Matrimony: 40 Hadith on Marital Harmony

This morning I wanted to share just a few hadith, insha'Allah. This talk is called Prophetic Matrimony: 40 Hadith on Marital Harmony. Of course, "harmony" was the keyword we had in this year's intensive. This was a book we recently came across called Prophetic Matrimony: 40 Hadith on Marital Harmony. There are so many different collections, but this was an interesting collection of 40 hadith that the compiler brought together from various aspects of married life — things that could be a means of peace and harmony within the home. Because if harmony exists within these two individuals, insha'Allah, then harmony will exist within the other members of the household as well.

There are 40 hadith obviously — I'm not going to read all of them. Just a few I wanted to go through insha'Allah.

The First Hadith: The Hadith of Intention

Just as Imam Nawawi starts his famous collection of 40 hadith, the first hadith is going to be on intention. So we'll go ahead and read that as well.

Narrated by Umar ibn al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him: I heard the Messenger of Allah say:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 1; Sahih Muslim, Book 33, Hadith 4692)

"The reward of deeds depends upon their intentions, and every person will get the reward according to what they have intended. So whoever's migration was for a worldly benefit, or for a woman to marry, his migration was for whatever he migrated for."

Notes on the First Hadith

Allah created the spouse from themselves so that they may seek comfort and harmony in each other, and He created love and mercy between them.

Allah says in the 21st verse of Surah Ar-Rum (Chapter 30):

"And from amongst Allah's signs is that He has created for you from yourselves mates, that you may find tranquility in them. And He placed between you affection and mercy."

Marriage, like any other form of worship, requires the right intention in order to gain the reward from Allah. But it also needs the right intention for the bond to build and for the marriage to flourish. The intention of marriage, number one, should be to seek what Allah has made halal, to follow the sunnah of the Prophet, seeking to safeguard one's chastity, and to seek righteous children.

Do Not Marry for Beauty or Wealth Alone

The Prophet advised against having the wrong intention. He said:

(Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 1859)

"Do not marry women for their beauty only, for it may lead them to their doom. Do not marry them for their wealth, for it may lead them to fall into sin. Rather, marry them for their religion."

SubhanAllah. So this obviously will be addressed to women as well — make sure you're not marrying someone based on their physical appearance solely, or because of their wealth, or their ability, or their charisma only. Because these things — wealth and beauty especially — may lead them to something that you don't want. They may actually become the reason for their problems.

The Test of Beauty: The Example of Yusuf

The various tafasir — they have all sorts of different reflections on the Qur'an. One such tafsir mentions in Surah Yusuf how Yusuf, peace be upon him, how much difficulty he went through — from having to face the jealousy of his siblings, to being thrown into the pit and the well, and then everything else, into slavery and so forth, all the way into the jail. The tafsir mentions that this test that came his way came because of his beauty, his charisma, his beautiful features and beautiful nature — it became a means of his test.

Who ever thought about it like that? You think that this is the most coveted thing — "I wish I was the most handsome man," "I wish I was the most beautiful lady," "I wish my husband was the most handsome man," "I wish my wife was the most beautiful lady." That's a natural thing, what everyone wants, for themselves and their spouse. But how often do we reflect and think that this could actually become a big test for you?

The Test of Wealth

Similarly, "I wish I could be extremely wealthy, and I wish I could marry someone who also comes from a wealthy background." That's what you and I think — that there is 100% goodness hidden inside money. But that's not the case. So many issues and problems arise with the abundance of wealth. That's why the Prophet has mentioned:

"Oh Allah, I seek refuge in You from every such type of poverty — having so little — which would make me forget You. Because I would be so obsessed with trying to pay the bills, so obsessed with trying to bring food on the table, I have no time for salah — working three shifts, three and a half shifts, four shifts. Who's got time for prayer? That level of poverty where I forget You."

وَمِنْ كُلِّ غِنًى يُطْغِينِي — "Oh Allah, that level of wealth which will make me disrespectful, and will make me stand up against You, challenge You."

I just shared with some brothers last night, also the night before, a four-minute clip from one of the well-known news channels, interviewing multiple pastors as their churches closed down. It looks exactly like the trajectory of the masajid. How many are we talking about? They're talking about parishes that are closing — each of them, like those blocks they have — like 900, 800 churches — out of that, 70, 80, 90, 100 in the past few years are closing down because no one shows up.

It's so unnerving, because it just looks to me like — okay, this is exactly what's going on. What's going on? It's a bunch of old people. They say, "This is our family, we love it here." But there's no one else showing up. So they're crying, they're choking up: "We have to close up because we don't have anyone. This was our family. We don't have kids with us, we don't have grandkids with us." It was an old uncle and aunties club, basically. And the old uncle and aunties are crying now, because they're not going to have one another once the thing shuts down.

And the pastor asked, "What are you doing?" He said, "Well, people don't have time for God. They don't think they need God anymore." And then he specifically talks about 9/11. He said, "When 9/11 happened, the churches were filled. People were scared, people wanted God." He said, "Now — too much abundance, too much wealth, too much ease and comfort. They don't think they need God anymore. People are just moving, taking God and religion out of their lives."

That's reflecting our own story as well — of things just kind of falling apart, where people say, "I don't need Allah." What happens when you have money that's just flowing, when you have credit cards, when you have Amazon Prime — like we talked about yesterday. What a beautiful reflection by Imam Musa yesterday on the fact that marriage has been treated like a commodity: "I don't like it. Swipe left. I'm going to return you, because everything doesn't check up. I checked you out but I don't like this. Go." What is this? SubhanAllah.

When Allah Intends to Destroy a Nation

The Qur'an mentions:

Whenever we intend to destroy a nation — whenever we put our focus on one nation, that this village has to go, this society has to go — what happens? أَمَرْنَا مُتْرَفِيهَا — We order, we demand that the wealthy, upper class people need to start following the deen. "Come on, get up, let's go. Follow the deen." You think they're going to follow the deen, the upper class? فَفَسَقُوا فِيهَا — No. "We live in the big homes, we have the big bank balances, why should we humble ourselves?" So then they began to openly sin, openly disregard the sharia, openly disregard the teachings of the deen. فَحَقَّ عَلَيْهَا الْقَوْلُ — Then My statement comes down upon them. What's My statement? That if you disregard the deen, you're going to taste something. فَدَمَّرْنَاهَا تَدْمِيرًا — And then hence, we wipe them out completely.

It starts off with the upper class. The upper class causes it, because the lower class is willing to listen. The upper class is not willing to listen — because they feel like, "We don't need God, we don't need deen, because we've got everything." The takabbur and the ghurur, the arrogance that comes out of money. So Allah Himself in the Qur'an is saying: when I want to knock a whole community out, I'm going to target the upper class. I send the prophets to them — "Come on, wake up, wake up." And when they don't wake up, they're going to bring doom upon themselves. This is the system.

If you talk to the lower class, if you spend time with them, generally speaking, they'll come closer to the deen. That's how Islam was. Islam started off amongst the poor. And that's one of the questions they checked out — Najashi's question was: who is following this new prophet? The poor or the rich? And when he found out that it's the lower class, he said, "Ah, okay, that's how it is." The truth — usually the materialistically humbler class, they take it on first, subhanAllah.

Making the Right Choice in Marriage

So my point here is that abundance of wealth and abundance of beauty does not equate to everything being fine. Those men who are listening to me, and those women — don't be foolish by making your decisions based on the complexion of the skin or the color of the eyes. You're going to say, "Sheikh, we know that." No, you don't know that. That's exactly what people do.

I still remember vividly — a young brother, twenty years ago, he would make du'a and tell me, "Sheikh, you don't make du'a for me." I'm like, "What is that?" He would describe in great detail exactly what he wanted physically in a spouse. And I'm like, "Okay, brother, Allah's treasures know no bounds. I have no idea whatever you like, no problem. But can I please ask you to add in there: someone who's got deen?" I used to always tell him that. He simply didn't have enough sabr, or I don't know what to say. How long does it take to say, "Ya Allah, give me someone who's this, and who's got deen"? Why can't you say that? But he never did.

And I witnessed this with my own eyes. He got exactly what he wanted, physically speaking — by his own admission, he told me this, after three or four years. Once he got married, I also remember the day when he came to the masjid — crying, even though he was a young professional doctor making good money. But like a child, he was crying in front of me. And he told me, "I didn't know hell existed on earth."

SubhanAllah. How many times I told you — ask for deen. But you were too stubborn, too foolish, to simply say, "Ya Allah, You give me all this physical beauty, but with that, most importantly, give me spiritual beauty." How hard was that for you to ask? That same person, who checked out physically everything — she disrespected him, physically threw pots and pans at him, and was absolutely disrespectful to his parents as well. Eventually they split, but after a lot of heartache. And it's a great example of: watch what you wish for.

Every young man says, "I just want a dazzle of Jannah here." Every young woman says, "I just want a knight on his horse — the most amazing man." And these superficial desires of ours are going to come right back and bite us.

This is where we are talking about: don't marry men or women for their beauty, because that might actually become the means of them being misled. Don't marry them for their wealth, because that may make them disobedient to Allah. So the purpose of nikah itself has to be grand.

The Importance of Studying Deen Before Marriage and Career

I just met one of the students here — there were so many, mashallah, yesterday and even today. I was telling some of the college students: "You should come and study." One said, "Yeah, when do I come study? Between undergrad and medical school?" One of the reasons you need to study deen — besides of course learning fiqh and hadith, and seerah, and tajweed, and aqeedah, why you believe what you believe, how to follow your deen — one big reason you need to study somewhere, quickly, before you go deep into your career, is so that you have a purpose and maqsad for your career.

When someone asks most brothers and sisters, they don't have a maqsad, they don't have a purpose. You ask them what they're doing: "I'm going to study architecture, I'm going to study medicine, I'm going to study law." And that is their maqsad. How can that be the maqsad of your life? The purpose of your life is your career? That absolutely cannot be. That's not how a Muslim thinks. A career can never be our purpose in life. A career can be a small tool in ensuring that our purpose in life is fulfilled.

So similarly, marriage is supposed to help you achieve your goals in life. Marriage is supposed to be a means of achieving your goals. But you have to know what your goals are. If you marry someone who is not supportive of deen, who is going to pull you down, they could be the most amazing, the most beautiful — but you have actually completely shot yourself in the leg, because you are marrying someone who, Allah forbid, may actually dismantle your purpose, put obstacles in your purpose. It's already enough obstacles — we've got nafs and shaytan. Now you can add number three: spouse. After that, Allah forbid, you have kids who are not raised on deen — add them as number four.

"Indeed, some of your spouses and your children are your enemy, so be wary of them." Allah says this. So you have enemy number one — nafs; number two — shaytan; now add number three — spouse; and number four — kids. Why did you do this to yourself?

Because when choosing a career without the priority of deen, that career will become, Allah forbid, a means of hell instead of paradise. And when getting married with the wrong intention, that marriage itself — instead of protecting a person from haram — will actually lead a person into all sorts of haram, because the maqsad, the purpose, is incorrect. It starts off with just the way the weddings are done, and then whatever happens every step after that.

The marriage is supposed to make a person closer to Allah. A person was waking up at fajr — now he wakes up at tahajjud. A person used to read one quarter of the Qur'an every other day — now he reads one quarter every single day. A person would spend twenty minutes with his parents — now he's spending forty minutes with his parents. Every aspect of the deen, slowly but surely, if we marry the right person, we will start becoming better. And you will start seeing the better in the other person as well. This is someone who has his maqsad, his priorities, correct.

That's why studying the deen is really important before marriage — ideally, and also before you get into your career. Not just before working, but even before choosing. This is our last gathering of this morning, and all these brothers who are from out of town will be gone tonight. So I want to impress upon you this point: make sure we take on the importance of studying ilm under the guidance of ulama, before we complete our college studies. Try your best. Don't wait till the end. A person gets into a PhD in finance and then comes to the sheikh and says, "I don't know what to do, what should I do?" These are things you don't wait till the end to figure out.

You start right after high school — spend some time. Obviously there are people much older than that. So whenever you wake up, that's the time for you. But don't delay it further. The more quickly you engage in properly studying ilm with tarbiyah, under some scholar of your community or some institution anywhere in the country — wherever it is — you will see that it will help you make the right decisions. That madrasa or institution should give you a proper crystallized vision in life. Seek ilm that will bring about a nur — a light — that will help you know why you want to go to such and such university, and why you want to take on such a career. And similarly, that ilm should also make it very clear what you want to do with marriage. Once you've got that down right, then insha'Allah you will know how you want to raise your kids — and so on and so forth.

Renewing the Intention of Marriage

So take time out — all the brothers and sisters. How much we have benefited, mashallah, through the sohbah of the various guest speakers who were here this weekend, and just each other's companionship in the masjid, in i'tikaf. Alhamdulillah, I cannot imagine how many things we've learned, how many misconceptions have been removed. Insha'Allah, how our approach to marriage and our approach to harmony within the home has improved. By the will of Allah, this is the beginning. Deen does not come just from three days — rather it is a whole life thing. But seeking ilm is a big part of that.

So this is the first hadith of this book — and I'm so happy the compiler began the book with this — it is about intention. When we are getting married, dear brothers and sisters, our intentions need to be appropriate. Do not make it just for the sake of fulfillment of one's personal needs.

Like for example, food. We can have breakfast now. But how hard is it to say, "Ya Allah, I am eating because You have said in the Qur'an:"

"Eat and drink, and do not be extravagant." Do not overeat, do not overdrink. "Ya Allah, I'm eating because my Prophet and all the Prophets did, so I'm following the sunnah of my Habib and all the Prophets. Ya Allah, I'm eating with the intention that You are Ar-Razzaq, You are the Provider. This is a blessing. Through this food, I'm going to recognize You." So I'm eating so that I can say Alhamdulillah on every bite, so I can say Bismillah at the beginning, so I can recite the du'a at the end:

So that I can thank the people who are feeding me and who are sponsoring this and who are cleaning up. I can say:

"May the righteous people eat your food. May the angels send salutations upon you. May the fasting people break their fast at your place. Oh Allah, feed the one who has fed us, and give drink to the one who has given us a drink."

And your intention is that through the food I'm eating now, "Ya Allah, I am going to do good deeds throughout the day — I'm going to pray Ishraq salah, I'm going to pray Duha salah, I'm going to recite my Yasin, I'm going to do my adhkar, I'm going to be here seeking ilm." I'm eating this food so I get the nutrition — by Your command — to be able to sit through and seek ilm. Now you're eating croissants or crepes or whatever — now this became ibadah. SubhanAllah. It became ibadah.

You heard yesterday — one of the scholars mentioned how the Rasulullah said that going to one's spouse and being intimate — there is reward in it. And the companion asked, "How could there be reward in this?" He said, "Well, if you went to haram means, would there not be sin in it?" He said, "Yes." Wow, what a beautiful deen. What a beautiful deen. How indebted you and I need to be that Allah guided us to this most amazing religion. Alhamdulillah. Say alhamdulillah.

"We would have never been able to find guidance if it wasn't for Allah who guided us." We are so indebted to Islam. SubhanAllah. That tells us — the power of intention — that a person who is intimate with their spouse, wife with husband, husband with wife, in this there is ajr, there is reward, because of the power of intention.

So my beloved friends — we talked about last night before Maghrib, we ended the session on this topic with ikhlas. I said: bring ikhlas into our marriages, and our marriages will become long-lasting. But if marriages are done for wealth or beauty or this and that, then these things will not last.

So now — all those who are already married — I encourage you to make niyyah now, today, if you haven't done so. You might be thirty, you might be forty, you might have five kids, you might have grandkids. Make niyyah now: "Ya Allah, I rectify my intention." We have already, I'm sure insha'Allah, made good niyyah before. But revive it, renew it. Renew the intention — why am I married? That's up to you. Think about all the ten reasons you can think of. Write them down — like when you come to madrasa the first day, you take a piece of paper and write ten reasons why you're here, and then keep it in your notebook and every morning take a look at it.

Part of that is: I want to become a source of sadaqah jariyya for my mom and dad. I want to become a sadaqah jariyya for my prophet. I want to guide the people in my community. I want to be in a state of dhikr. Whatever it is — write it down. And now studying ilm becomes so much more rewarding based on the multitude of intentions that you have.

Noble Intentions Lead to Lofty Results

I remember one of my honorable teachers in South Africa — he came from a very wealthy Indian background — and he said to me, many years ago, "I want to marry a second wife." And I said, "SubhanAllah." Then he told me his intention. He said, "I want to marry women from different African tribes in South Africa, because I want to open up the doors of Islam for each of those communities." He said, just as the Prophet — each of his marriages had a very clear purpose, that this one marriage opened up the doors of Islam for this entire community, and another marriage opened up the doors of Islam for another community — "I want to be able to give da'wah to these tribes by being married within them, which is a very uncommon practice there, almost never heard of." But that was his intention.

He was very particular — all the counseling sessions he would do with his community, he would make sure his wife would sit there. His wife was very much involved in a lot of the counseling. And so he said, "Just as I'm able to do this work through my wife and with my wife, I want to be able to give da'wah also to these tribes by being married within them."

So similarly, whether it's a first marriage or something beyond that, the person needs to have a very clear, high, noble intention for why they are doing what they are doing. And then you will see, my beloved friends — making noble intentions does not mean marriage now becomes boring. No. Marriage — no change in it. But what will happen is, every minute of that marriage will become a source of ajr, a source of reward. That's all we're saying.

So those who are married — renew our intentions, make lofty intentions of what you're trying to do. And those who are yet to be married — make sure we do not make physical pleasure the criteria, do not make physical appearance a criteria, but instead make deen the criteria and make lofty intentions of what you are trying to achieve through this. And you will see the help of Allah will come.

Closing Words and Du'a

As we sit and speak to this audience, I remind myself and I pray that the voices of the ulama who have spoken from this mic over this past weekend — both men and women — may Allah allow their voices to be spread across the globe. And may Allah allow the deen that was taught, every day that gets taught here, to be miraculously projected and spread across every continent across the globe.

What can I do? I can make intention. As I sit and speak to a group after Fajr, whether it's a hundred, fifty, or ten — my niyyah should be: "May Allah put these words, allow them to ring true across the globe." I don't need to start speaking louder. I don't need to add seven more microphones. But Allah's help will come based on the loftiness of the intention. Seriously — if you want an amazing marriage, make lofty intentions. And you will see what will happen. SubhanAllah.

May Allah put barakah in the rest of our day today, and the rest of this week. May Allah, whatever I have said, allow me to practice it myself. And whatever everyone has said here, may Allah allow us to benefit from that.

Again, this was called Prophetic Matrimony: 40 Hadith on Matrimonial Harmony. This is just a book printed in Turkey. The topics covered include: following intention, following the sunnah, committing to one's spouse, loyalty to one's spouse, the spouse as the best provision, being good to one's spouse, sensing one's spouse's feelings, respecting one's spouse's nature, not disliking one's spouse, not giving up on one's spouse, being considerate towards one's spouse, going out of the way for one's spouse, giving gifts to one's spouse, being pleased with one's spouse, helping with chores, comforting one's spouse, motivating one's spouse, making one's spouse feel good, treating one's spouse as one treats oneself, eating with one's spouse, sharing food with one's spouse — and more. And it's not one-sided — it covers how the Rasulullah was with his wives, and how his wives were with him.

There is also another famous hadith collection by Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari — his own collection of 40 hadith on this topic, which is also now available.

And then again at 10 o'clock, insha'Allah, the program will continue.