Obedience to Parents | Jumu'ah Khutbah | Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed | 9/1/23

Beloved brothers and sisters, dear listeners, السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللَّهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

The Beauty of Our Deen

We thank Allah Almighty that He has blessed us with such a deen that not only gives us the detailed way of how to prepare for the hereafter but also gives us details of how to live this life to its fullest. How to live this life in the most beautiful, enjoyable manner.

A person cannot live in this life enjoyably without ensuring that he or she is surrounded by people who have good character. You cannot live a comfortable life if you have people who have disrespect, people who are not cultured, people who do not have akhlaq. It makes life extremely difficult to live with.

So our deen emphasizes so much upon character and all the relationships between parents and children, between siblings, between spouses, between in-laws. All of those things have been very clearly explained to us by Allah and His Rasul ﷺ.

The Rights of Parents: The Strongest Bond

And from amongst all of those relationships that exist, the strongest relationship and the relationship that has the most rights upon us is of course the relationships and the rights of parents upon their children.

Allah Azza wa Jal has given us a hierarchy by which we have to live in this world with. At the very top, Allah Azza wa Jal, after that the Prophet ﷺ, and immediately after that comes our parents.

Obedience Beyond Faith

What is so interesting is that the status that Allah has given to parents is something that is not connected with Islam, with faith. Meaning it's not that obey your parents as long as they are Muslims, obey your parents as long as they are God-fearing people, obey your parents as long as they obey me.

For example, a scholar, a person must respect a scholar, an imam, a shaykh, so forth. But that is only as long as they are encouraging you to do what is according to Islamically acceptable. As soon as a scholar is misguiding you, then out goes the obedience. There is no obedience to a person who entails the disobedience of Allah.

For parents, as long as they are not forcefully asking us to commit shirk and ascribe partners with Allah, Allah Azza wa Jal says:

Make sure you stay with them and live with them and deal with them in the most acceptable, most kind manner.

The Greatest Sins

That is why the Prophet ﷺ explaining this verse of the Qur'an and other verses of the Qur'an where Allah Azza wa Jal says:

Your Lord has ordained that do not worship anyone besides Allah and be kind to your parents.

The Prophet ﷺ explained this in another hadith where he was asked: What are the largest, the biggest major sins? أَكْبَرُ الْكَبَائِرِ - What are the greatest major sins?

And the first one he mentioned is الْإِشْرَاكُ بِاللَّهِ - to commit shirk, ascribe partners with Allah Azza wa Jal. Number two right immediately after that was عُقُوقُ الْوَالِدَيْنِ - disrespect to parents.

Imagine this is the status Allah Azza wa Jal is giving. Back to back, shirk and disrespect to parents. Shirk, which we all know is the gravest sin. Immediately after that, disrespect to parents.

When Kindness Should Be Easy

Going back to the verse again, Allah Azza wa Jal brings shirk: لَا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ - don't commit shirk and do ihsan to parents. And then further explains: What do you mean by ihsan to parents?

When they are young and we are young, we are in need of them. It's easy to do ihsan towards them. It's easy to be nice when you benefit from your parents. They're the ones who are paying for the bills. They're the ones who are taking care of your affairs. That should be easy for a person to kind of see that. You know what, I'm dependent upon them.

Unfortunately we are living in a time when even in that most obvious time that has become not obvious. That I am dependent on my parents and they are taking care of me from birth till now, every aspect of my life. Hence I need to be grateful to them and be dutiful to them.

The Shocking Reality of Modern Times

So what shall happen in the future? When at a time when we are the ones who are on the taking end from our parents, we see that instead of respect there is nothing but disrespect and disregard. And rather there is suspicion: Everyone out there is going to be kind to me and caring for me and loves me, even though some random stranger. But my parents always are a big trouble for me. Always are a thorn in my plans.

The type of stories that come to me and anyone who is in my position are really shocking. Just to see the level of fitna within the homes. What are the feelings that children have towards their parents is really sad. That they might not hate the enemies out there who are out to destroy them as much as they have disregard and genuine hatred for their parents. Very normal.

Real Examples of Modern Ingratitude

And I am sometimes bewildered where people are crying in front of me because "my dad, he is like this and he is like that way." SubhanAllah. أَنْتَ وَمَالُكَ لِأَبِيكَ - the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ: "You and your wealth belong to your father."

Person says, "Well, I've earned some money over the summer and my dad asked me to help pay for the down payment of our house," and he is crying so much about it. And I am like, well, how did you come here? "I come in a car." Who paid for your car? "My dad." Okay, alright.

This jeans you are wearing, a pair of jeans, who paid for that? "He did." Your shirt, your glasses, who paid for that? You finished your second year of college, who is paying for tuition? "Everything, my dad."

Well, I tell him, you earned a thousand dollars from some job over the summer. And if your dad needed it for down payment for the house... I said, you live in the backyard or you live in next door's house? Whose house you live in? He said, "We live in the same house." I said, your own house that you can live in. All of a sudden it becomes your dad's house that you have to pay a thousand dollars towards the down payment and you are crying, so angry.

The Naming Dispute

These are the type of things: "My dad is suggesting a name for my son and I want another name." Okay, what's the problem? Just listen to what your dad is saying. He is not coming with a mushrik name. He is coming with a good name that is well known, a Sahabi's name, a prophet's name. SubhanAllah, angry! "How dare he comes and messes with my child. This is my child. I get to choose whatever I want."

What do you mean you get to choose? Look, this is exactly what you are doing to your dad. You don't think this is going to come around 20 years later? This is the same thing that is going to play out with you in your life. What do you think your child is going to do? This one that you are breaking your relationship with your dad, breaking his heart over the naming of your son. What shall happen 20 years from now when your son becomes 20 years old?

You seriously think he is going to be respectful and he is going to say, "Thank you for breaking your relationship with your dad for me. I am going to break up relationships with everyone for you"? It's not going to happen like that.

The Wisdom of Hasan al-Basri

That's why Hasan al-Basri mentioned: "If you see someone who has broken his ties with his parents, stay far away from him. For indeed the one who breaks ties with his parents will never do justice to you. He is a thorn, he is a cancer."

Someone who breaks the hearts of his parents, you want to stay far away from him because they are the people that you would be the most dutiful to. And if he has the ability to break the hearts of his parents and turn away from them, how do you trust doing business with an individual like that? How do you trust marrying someone? How do you trust marrying anyone?

A Story of Misplaced Loyalty

There is a story that a man fell in love with a girl and she is like, "No, I don't want to get married to you. I don't like you." He said, "No, no, I will do anything for you. I really love you." She said, "Really, how much do you love me? Would you do anything for me?" And he said, "Yes, anything." She said, "Would you go kill your mother?" He said, "Of course."

She just said it. She wasn't meaning it. So the guy does. And the story goes he goes and kills his mother, brings her heart, puts it in a bag and he brings it on a platter. And on the way he is bringing it to his fiancé to win her heart, and on the way going there he trips and falls.

And the heart from the platter falls into the ground. And the heart speaks up and says, "Oh my son, did you get hurt as you tripped and fell? Did you get hurt?" This is the heart of the mother speaking. He avoids that, ignores it, and runs to go meet his fiancé and gives her. And she says, "What is this?" He says, "Well, as you had asked, this is the heart of my mother. I killed her for you."

And she gets grossed out and says, "This is what you could do to your mother? What would you do to me?" And she runs away, leaves him.

The Lesson

This is kind of the gist of what we're speaking about. The people who can harm their parents can harm anyone. And so if someone can break ties of forty years, thirty years for a marriage, how is that worthwhile to have a relationship with such an individual?

The Rights of Parents in Islam

So a person needs to understand that amongst all the people after Allah and His Rasul, that Allah has placed the rights upon us are our parents. And these are the signs of the hour that we're witnessing every week.

Signs of the Hour Regarding Parent-Child Relationships

From amongst them, the Prophet said:

(At-Tirmidhi)

That a man will become obedient to his spouse and will become disobedient to his mother. And then he said أَدْنَى صَدِيقَهُ وَأَقْصَى أَبَاهُ - He'll bring his friends real close to him and he'll push away his father. At every juncture he'll always give preference to his friends over his parents, and he'll give preference to his spouse who walks into his life twenty-five years later over his mother. This is the signs of the hour.

It'll get so bad that the Prophet then said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari)

That when a daughter will mistreat her - this is one of the explanations of the hadith. The daughter will mistreat her mother to such a degree that the relationship between the mother and the daughter will seem like between a master and her slave girl. It's as though the daughter has become the owner of the mother. The way you can imagine a slave would treat his or her slave girl - with that type of attitude the daughters will be treating their mothers. If this is the relationship between daughter and mother, what's gonna be between son and father?

And then there's another sign of the hour. The Prophet said:

That a child will become a source of anger for the father, for the parents. The parents will become so sick and tired of their children that they will just become always angry, and to the extent that the parents will no longer want to even have children because of simply seeing how people are being mistreated at the hands of their children.

This is not something that is yet to come - it's already here, everywhere around us. We're seeing that what people don't understand is الجزاء من جنس العمل - that the punishment will be based on how the sin was committed in the first place. Those who are oppressive towards their parents, it's just a matter of time when their own children will become more oppressive than they were to their parents.

The Immediate Consequences of Disobedience

So disobedience to parents is one of those sins that Allah does not delay and wait till the hereafter to punish a person. Allah begins to punish an individual right here in this world, in the grave, and then of course the punishment of the hereafter is separate for the disobedience of parents.

A Lesson from Umar ibn Al-Khattab

Once a man came to Umar and said, "Ya Umar, my mother is very elderly and she has become handicapped to an extent that she cannot complete any of her needs except that my back has to be used as a chair for her."

"Have I fulfilled her rights upon me? Because I am literally carrying her on my back for everything she needs to do."

Let's ask ourselves: If we're paying for a nurse to come to our house, if we're paying for the monthly rent of a house where our parents are staying, if we're paying for the nursing home cost, if we're paying for some home health care - is that really fulfillment of the rights of our parents upon us?

This man is coming to Umar and saying "I am carrying my mother on my back everywhere she goes, including obviously she has to go relieve herself - everything I have to do." So then he told him he said "لا" - No. Why no?

Allahu Akbar. He says the difference between what your mother did to you when you were a young baby carrying you, the way you're saying you're carrying her, is that while she was carrying you around and taking care of you in every situation, she was begging and praying that you would have a long life. And while you are serving your mother in this situation, you're hoping that she goes away peacefully to a better place. That's the difference.

That when you're serving her, you're not hoping that you can have another 10 years carrying your mother on your back, but you're hoping that this door closes soon, sooner than later. While she never wished that - she always wished you would outlive her. In every instance she made sure that you were taking care of, even if it means she had to suffer.

The State of Our Community Today

Beloved brothers and sisters, as our community grows older and we have a younger class of people, younger generation that is becoming wealthier and wealthier by the day, ask ourselves: Has that improved the care and the love that our parents receive?

As once someone told me, he said: "When I lived overseas I raised 12 children in one small home and not once did I ask my neighbor for help. Now that I've come to America and my 12 children live all over the place, all professionals, but I'm treated like a soccer ball amongst 12 kids who collectively cannot raise that one dad who single-handedly raised these 12 into becoming professionals and millionaires 60 years ago. But today those 12 and their spouses and their kids cannot take care of one parent."

Isn't this a reflection of exactly what's happening in our society? Now there's talks of nursing homes, Muslim nursing homes, adult care etc. All of these talks are happening because the money is there. Why should I stay back from work when I can just hire someone for a thousand dollars, five thousand dollars a month? People can write off checks just like left and right.

And so it's become something where people don't even feel shy telling me this: "Oh yeah, we got a really nice nursing home for our parents." Seven physicians, eight physicians in the family. I'm not putting anyone on the spot, I'm just giving an example. Loads of money. "Yeah we'll just pay for a very expensive place for our parents to stay." And that's done.

Yeah, at least maybe you just keep it to yourself, but how do you feel telling me this story and without any sense of guilt that you have eight or six or five kids and spouses and another 40-50 grandkids, and the poor father is ending his life watching some random TV, being served haram food? Even if you're served the halal food in a Muslim nursing home, but is this really the way an ending should come?

We're gonna start hearing incidents like this more and more. It's time for us to reflect, siblings to discuss amongst themselves: what's the point of all this wealth that we have in our community if we cannot give a good ending to our parents? If we cannot give them a comfortable life at the end? It's a very pitiful state, my dear friends, that we are putting ourselves in.

What Goes Around Comes Around

And what goes around will come around back to us. If we put our parents in old care homes and nursing homes right now, just imagine when we become 80 and 90, or we become in need, what will this generation who has no sense of adab, no sense of etiquette, no sense of obedience, no sense of humility and humbleness towards parents - what will they be doing to us? It is something that we must reflect and ask Allah to awaken us because we are in a slumber.

As I said, the punishment of this will not come in the hereafter, it will come right here in this dunya. On top of that, in the hereafter we have to create an awareness amongst ourselves, real discussions amongst siblings that please do not treat your parents like a soccer ball. Regard them as an honor if you can serve them.

The Door to Paradise

This is the biggest blessing Allah has given you - that's a door of jannah that you will never find an alternative to. No matter you can donate 10 million dollars to a madrasa or a masjid, it doesn't equal to serving your parents. That is something if you have a door that's open, make sure you go all out in serving that. And if that door - once that door closes, it will never be opened up again.

This is a teaching of our Prophet that we need to start revisiting. And as it should happen, and the Prophet when he said the biggest, the one amongst the second greatest major sin, it was عقوق الوالدين. عقوق الوالدين is very general. The Prophet said simply as making your parents grieve - that's also عقوق الوالدين.

The Root Cause: Self-Love and Arrogance

Where does it come from? And I'll end with this point. A big chunk of this disrespect to parents comes from self-love, worship of the one self, regarding ourselves to be not in need of anyone, to regard ourselves to be self-sufficient, self-educated enough that we don't need our parents, our teachers, our mentors, our shuyukh. Everyone thinks "I can handle it myself."

Where does this go? Eventually leads to atheism. Eventually leads to a person says "I don't need God as well because I am self-sufficient." This arrogance needs to end from within ourselves.

We have to tell ourselves: No matter how wealthy and educated I become, I will always need my parents. They are always 40 years ahead of me. Their experience, their knowledge - it doesn't matter even if our parents were mute and couldn't speak, they were deaf, dumb and blind, and you are the most intelligent, highest IQ person - doesn't make a difference. We are indebted to them for our existence, and Allah will judge us based on how we treat them.

Du'a for Guidance and Rectification

We ask Allah to create a genuine awareness within each and every one of us about how we are treating our parents, and may He allow us to mend our relationships with them before they pass away, and may He allow all of us to become the source of the happiness of our parents, and may Allah allow those who lost their parents to do such good deeds that will allow them to make up for the loss that they had incurred during their life.

Hope for Those Whose Parents Have Passed

I will end with a powerful hope-giving hadith mentioned by Imam Bayhaqi in Shu'ab al-Iman: that a person who was disobedient or not righteous towards his parents during their lifetime, if after their death he continues to pray for them, he continues to give sadaqa on their behalf, he continues to be kind to their relatives, a time will come insha'Allah that in the books of Allah he will be written as a righteous son or daughter.

So if we lost our parents and we want to make up for it, there is time still while we are alive: that pray for them everyday, be kind to the relatives, and give sadaqa on their behalf. And insha'Allah one day Allah will also write all of us down as righteous sons and daughters.

Insha'Allah let us stand up and move forward and perform our sunnah. Let's complete the saff before we move forward.