RAISING CHILDREN IN TURBULENT TIMES by Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed 06/17/2022

Raising Children in Turbulent Times

Presented by Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed and Brother Farhan | June 17, 2022

Opening Remarks

I seek refuge with Allah from the accursed Satan. In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds.

First and foremost, I just want to say jazakumullahu khayran for having us here today and talking about raising children in turbulent times. The way the presentation will be held is that there are about ten topics that we are going to be talking about that we see on a daily basis.

Myself, I am a licensed clinical professional counselor, and Mufti Azim deals with a wide range of community problems everywhere — people always calling him from all parts of the country. So we are in the trenches and seeing this on a daily basis, and we want to be able to educate the community with what we are seeing. We want everyone to feel hopeful. Often we feel helpless or hopeless thinking about what we can do — how do we find solutions to helping our children? What we want to do here today is empower each and every person here.

The way that we do that is by bringing awareness and talking about it, because before we find the solutions, we need to be aware of what is even going on in the first place. This is about giving each one of us our tool set — the tools in that tool set — so that when a problem arises, we are able to fix it. We want to empower one another and give each other that tool set, because the reality is we want our children, when they have a problem, to come to us before they go to anybody else. Rather than going to a stranger and letting that stranger make the narrative, we want parents to be able to handle these issues. That is what we are trying to do here today.

It takes an ummah, it takes a community, to work together to come up with these solutions and fix these problems. Because even if I work on it on an individual level at home with my own child, my child is interacting with so many other children and being influenced by them. So I might be giving them the solution at home, but when they go outside, they are mixing with their friends, and what happens is that they start thinking, "Maybe my dad doesn't know what he's talking about." So they get influenced. We all have to work as a community.

Mufti Sahib talked about it in the tafsir of Surah al-Kahf — it's about a cave, when the people went to the cave to get away from all the fitna. That is what we have to do here too. Yes, we interact with the world, and we will have to interact with the world. We have to go to work and so forth. But if we are all on the same page, then our children will not feel like outsiders. They will see the other people in their circles and say, "This is the norm. This is what everybody believes in," and they will also be stronger in their faith.

A little background about myself: I have a master's in clinical mental health counseling, have been married for 12-plus years with three kids, alhamdulillah — ages 10, 7, and 1. So it is not just theoretical knowledge; it is also practical, learning how to implement this with my own kids. One of the things I also want to say is that we are so far removed from being a teenager. I am 32 years old — it has been almost 14-plus years since I was in that place. The lingo is changing, technology is advancing, and our children are going through new issues today. So we need to be equipped and know what is going on. Even working in this field, I am constantly learning from my clients what is happening on a daily basis, equipping myself so I can help others. We keep up to date because we all have our own worldview, our own circles and bubbles, and we only know what is going on in those bubbles. If we step outside, we will see what is really happening all around us.

Topic 1: The Foundation of Marriage

The first thing I want to talk about is our marriages. You might be saying, "Why are we even talking about marriages?" Because our marriages, for those who are married, are the foundation of the household. The children are the pillars and everything built above it. Now if the foundation is shaky and not strong, then what do you think is going to happen with everything above it? It is all going to come crumbling down.

This is why we are talking about marriages first and foremost — because the divorce rate today is so high. It is around 40 to 50%. For Muslims, it is about 33.3%, and it is only rising. And even if the marriage is still intact, there are a lot of marriages where people are living together but like roommates. They are not even happy in their marriages, and the children are seeing that. If the parents are not happy, showing a lot of stress, always yelling at each other — if the father is leaving the household and the mother is not able to communicate with the children because of everything going on — then who is getting hurt the most? The people getting hurt the most are the children, because they are clueless. They just see a lot of fighting, a lot of animosity, and they do not even know why their parents are going through what they are going through.

Growing up in a happy home protects children mentally, physically, educationally, and socially.

Mentally: If the household is happy and the parents are emotionally stable, the child sees that and will also be happy. We model behavior. If we show anger and use bad language, the child will mimic it. When the home is peaceful, the child can focus on being a child, on their studies, on whatever they need to do in life.

Physically: 40% of children are at more risk of being physically and sexually abused when parents find new partners. I understand that divorce happens and is totally acceptable in Islam. But we have to be aware of these statistics and be mindful of how we protect our children.

Educationally: Studies show that when the marriage is intact and it is a happy home, children are more likely to graduate from high school, do better in college, and get better jobs.

Socially: When parents are going through marital issues, children have to pick sides. They do not know: should I go to my mom's side or my dad's side? And especially if parents are divorced, children are often used as pawns in custody battles. The child goes between homes and does not feel like either home is truly theirs.

If we have marital issues, it is like car maintenance. We take our car to the mechanic on a yearly basis to make sure it is running perfectly. We have to do the same thing with our marriages. People usually wait six years before they go see a marital counselor — and that is often too late, because by then all this animosity has built up. We need to be more proactive and not reactive. Most divorces happen between one and three years. If we build a happier home, our children will be happier and will be able to succeed better.

An Islamic Perspective on Marriage — Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed

I want to first request, inshallah, that the brothers please move forward and let us not have gaps in our gathering. There will be so much more blessing when we sit close together and not allow the shayateen to walk in between. The Prophet ﷺ would so firmly advise his companions to stand shoulder to shoulder. He mentioned clearly that when you do not stand shoulder to shoulder and there is space in between, then shayateen will come and take root between you, and this will create distance between the hearts. This should be a habit whenever we attend any masjid program — we sit as close as possible.

Remember, my beloved brothers — we are nobody. We are just conduits. The giver of knowledge is Allah. So humility and humbleness we must show, not to the speaker, but rather to Allah. And how do we show humility and humbleness? By coming as close as possible, and in our hearts saying, "Ya Allah, I am the most in need of whatever is being shared." With that humility, humbleness, and sincerity, you will walk away with more than anyone else. May Allah allow us to attend all gatherings of knowledge and dhikr with utmost respect, utmost adab, utmost etiquette.

On the topic of marriage that my dear colleague Farhan mentioned — from an Islamic perspective, Nabi ﷺ said: from the signs of the Hour is yakthuru al-talaq — that there will be an increase in divorce. From a batini, from an internal perspective, what we see is that Shaytan is trying to dam our life in this world and the next. He tries to see how he can be most effective in ruining our relationship with Allah and causing humanity to sin against Allah and trample on each other's rights.

The institution of marriage is so central to our deen. Rasulullah ﷺ said: Nikah is my way of life. This is how we roll, as we say. The prophets, the anbiya — they all got married. And then the Prophet ﷺ said: whoever turns away from my sunnah, he is not from amongst us. Why is nikah such a central thing? Because it is a protection from zina, a protection from all other haram relationships. Where does it all go back down to? If you have a good nikah and a good partner in marriage, as the Qur'an says:

"Your spouses are garments for one another." Garments mean that just as your garment protects you from the heat and the cold and from being injured, similarly, husbands and wives protect one another from falling into sin. Husbands and wives protect one another from falling into major depression, major emotional problems, major spiritual problems. That is the beauty of a proper husband-and-wife relationship.

If our marriages are strong, what will happen? The doors of all zina will close. The doors of this LGBTQ movement will close within our community. The doors of a lot of the issues that the youth are dealing with will close — when husbands and wives have good relationships with one another and provide a proper nurturing environment to their children.

Nikah, my beloved brothers, is a very important institution of our deen. That is why we have to make a lot of concern about the increasing divorce rate within our community. We have to find out why this is happening. One of the many reasons is that people are not being prepared for marriage. Boys and girls, men and women, have no idea what they are getting into. From all the marriages happening this weekend in the Chicagoland area — how many of the grooms and brides have any idea what they are about to do? It is like putting a young man behind a 747 or Airbus 380 and saying, "Fly it."

I remember the day my father told us about my brother's nikah. After the marriage, sitting at my bhabi's family's house, my dad said: Shadi karna asaan hai, shadi nibhana mushkil hai — "Getting married is easy, but taking care of the marriage is the challenge." That is what our youth have not been taught: that what you are getting into is not a joke. How many of them are taking premarital counseling? How many of them are sitting with an alim and saying, "Can you please give me the fiqh of marriage and the fiqh of divorce?" They don't know. Once it is all said and done, then they come and say, "Oh, can you please find a leeway for me?" It is too late. We have had people come — adults — literally rolling on the floor, crying in our offices, saying, "What did I do? I didn't know this is how talaq happens." Why didn't we learn these things?

Our community needs to emphasize the education of the bride and groom before they get married — from an Islamic perspective, what are the rights and rules regarding marriage, and from a psychological and therapeutic perspective, what does the data show about why divorces are happening — so as to mitigate this before it comes.

SubhanAllah, I want to share a very powerful statistic. From the Heritage Foundation website: among the 25 most cited school shooters since Columbine, 75% were raised in broken homes. Psychologist Dr. Peter Langman, a preeminent expert on school shooters, found that most came from incredibly broken homes — not just divorce and separation, but also infidelity, substance abuse, criminal behavior, domestic violence, and child abuse. Two criminologists found the absence of fathers to be one of the most powerful predictors of crime. They explained that fathers serve as role models for sons, maintaining authority and discipline, thereby helping them develop self-control and empathy — key character traits lacking in violent youth. This is from the Heritage Foundation, a well-known non-profit organization, and they are also realizing the importance of a strong family.

I also want to share something I discussed with Dr. Sheikh Hussain Sattar. He was sharing with me a study about what is the most telling factor of whether a person will stay strong on the faith of their parents. Is it the school they attended — Jewish school, Christian school, Muslim school? The type of friends they had? The college they attended? SubhanAllah, the study found — and the New York Times had a whole article dissecting this research about five or six years ago — that the most telling factor of whether a boy or girl will remain on the faith and religion of their parents is: the relationship with their father.

I was amazed when I heard that. If the relationship with the father is strong and good — whether Christian, Jew, or Muslim — the stats show a higher chance of them remaining firm on the faith of their parents. If the relationship with the father is weak, you can send them to all the Islamic schools, madrasas, and maktabs you want. According to the stats, unfortunately, it will not be as effective.

I am telling you as an imam, as a director of an Islamic school and madrasa, as someone who has been working with youth for a long time — this is unfortunately true. I see too many cases of parental relationships with kids completely falling apart, and the kids are just so off track. It is not about how religious the father is. It really isn't. It is about the relationship between the father and son. How much does your son like you? How much do you like your son? How much does he open up to you? Can you say your son loves you and will open up and speak to you? Is he your friend? If he is always scared as soon as he enters the home — that is not going to work.

It worked a different way in a different generation. When the garage would open, we would suddenly start reading loudly. We could hear dad coming back from work. That worked then. It does not work like that anymore. The relationship between parents and children, my dear friends, needs to be super strong. And then inshallah, when we have this beautiful family that is educated on the rights and responsibilities of husbands and wives, they will have beautiful kids. They will give them the love that they need. And you will see, inshallah, that a lot of the problems that society is going through, our children will be safe from.

Topic 2: LGBTQ+

This is a very important topic because the narrative in this country is changing. Back in the day when I was growing up, nobody would even mention if they had same-sex attraction feelings, or if they were bisexual or transgender or any of that, because they knew that if they mentioned it, they would get bullied. But now we see that this is becoming the norm. Every single television show, every single movie, even in cartoons and what our children are watching, there are always subliminal messages — if not blatant outright depictions — of characters who are LGBTQ. Even Batman's son now, in the comics, has come out as gay. Characters that we grew up loving — Batman, Spider-Man, Superman — now their children in the comics are coming out as openly LGBTQ.

That is why we need to talk about this topic. A lot of times we feel uncomfortable, but we need to change the narrative and make sure our children know what the correct message is. There is this whole revisionism movement — people are taking interpretations of the Qur'an and trying to interpret it in a way to suggest it is, quote unquote, okay to be this way. In Houston, just recently, a Muslim woman opened up the first gay masjid or lesbian masjid. We even have something here in Chicago. My point is: we need to openly talk about this and make sure our children know what is the correct way, what does the Qur'an and the Sunnah say, what does our deen say? We have to be unapologetically Muslim. We need to be careful of what our children are watching.

Theories and Contributing Factors

There are several theories that I want to at least mention, along with what we can do about them — because yes, we might know somebody who is LGBTQ-affirming, or who may have same-sex attraction. So now what? Is there anything we can possibly do?

1. The Gay Gene Theory: Some claim that people are born with same-sex attraction. We do not hate on a person or bully someone for this. It may be a test that they have to deal with in their life — and that is something that may not be something we can fully resolve. But the next three theories are areas where we can actually take action.

2. Pornography: Almost 90% of boys and over 60% of girls, by the age of 18, have watched pornography at least one time. On a weekly basis, it is about 50% for boys and about 30–40% for girls — still a very high percentage. When you watch pornography, you are not just watching the opposite gender. You are watching both genders. After a while, that does not satisfy anymore, and the person keeps pushing the envelope further and further. These companies — a billion-dollar industry — release statistics about what people are searching for, and it is very shocking. So we need to be very careful and block the avenues for our children to access this material.

3. Sexual Abuse: As we mentioned on the previous topic, 40% of children are more vulnerable when their parents remarry. Most sexual abuse happens by people we know, not strangers. I have had so many clients who told me that their grandparents, uncles, even parents or siblings have sexually abused them. Often what happens is we do not believe them, or do not want to believe them, because it makes us uncomfortable. When a person is sexually abused, that perpetual cycle can keep repeating — the person can become an abuser. That is why they need trauma therapy to work through the abuse they have experienced, so they can break that cycle.

4. Dysfunctional Homes: In a dysfunctional home, children are more vulnerable to these ideologies and thoughts. One study found that the lowest rate of lesbian behavior — 4% — occurred among women who grew up in an intact married family, while it was the highest — 9.6% — among those who grew up in households where the girl's mother cohabited with a man who was not her father. That is more than double. These are possible solutions: if we have a dysfunctional home, how do we make it happy again for the children? If a child has been sexually abused, we can put them in therapy and get them the help they need. If they are watching pornography, let us stop it before it becomes an addiction.

I also want to mention a person named Waheed Johnson. He is someone who has been dealing with same-sex attraction for many years, almost his whole life. He has a podcast called A Way Beyond the Rainbow where he talks about his struggle with same-sex attraction and how he deals with it. I recommend people listen to this. Dr. Mustafa Umar from Irvine, California, is also a guest speaker on the podcast and is very knowledgeable on this topic. There is also another resource, straightstruggle.com, which helps people dealing with same-sex attraction get the support they need.

Topic 3: Mental Health

A question came in: how does one convince their parents about the importance of dealing with their own mental health issues? SubhanAllah. This is something we do not often speak about in our community — that the mind is not a sacred organ that never gets sick. Just like you have a heart sickness, a broken hand, a broken leg, or respiratory problems, a chemical imbalance in the mind and brain is completely normal. It can happen. It does not mean someone is evil or subpar. People get sick all the time. So mental illness within a family member is not something we reject or act as though it is not happening.

There are sometimes elderly parents who are actually suffering from depression, and unfortunately no one is recognizing it. They are not interested in coming to the masjid anymore, not interested in meeting anyone. We just leave them there. What we do not understand is that this is actually a very severe illness of depression, and they need to be treated and sympathized with as sick individuals. They need to be assisted, taken to therapy, and if needed, medication. They cannot be left, Allah forbid, to deteriorate — because it is not like they want to be sitting alone. That was never who they were before.

We are definitely seeing this in the younger generation too. COVID has brought a massive increase in occurrences of this — everything from attempts of suicide, bouts of depression, and other emotional difficulties that youth are facing. The stats are mind-boggling — the number of youth who say they have thought multiple times a week that they want to take their life. This was not like this before. One of the reasons is people being addicted to their electronic devices, sitting in their rooms, not having meaningful conversations and meaningful relationships even with their own family members and siblings. We are social mammals. We are not supposed to be sitting alone in a room all day. We are not supposed to be glued to our devices. That is not how Allah created us. When we allow this type of environment to happen at home, there will be increased rates of depression and emotional turmoil.

As moms and dads, we have to not only provide food for our kids but take care of their education and also their spiritual and mental health. We have this idea that my son needs to be number one in baseball, basketball, rugby, football, math, science, arts — everything. We do not understand how much stress we are putting on that child. There is so much selfishness in the attitude of, "I did this, so you should do that." May Allah protect us as fathers from ever oppressing our kids in this manner — deciding what our son must be without giving him the tools to succeed, and then just saying, "Study, study, study." I remember a child who came to me crying. He said, "Can you imagine — I was playing tennis, I started losing, and my mom was in the bleachers watching. She started rooting for my opponent because she was so upset that I was losing." Where does this come from? When we have this cutthroat competition — I need to get my son or daughter ahead of the game — we sacrifice their spiritual and mental health at all costs. We cannot do that.

Dear brothers: the brain is not some sacred organ that can never get sick. You can have chemical imbalances anytime. Since we are on this topic, I want to add that mental health is, from my perspective, very strongly correlated with the effects of shayateen as well. What do I mean? Shayateen can affect a person in physical pain and other types of pain. But they tend to have a strong effect on the mind. Allah talks about in the Qur'an:

"...whom Shaytan has driven to madness by his touch." Like a man who has lost his mind because Shaytan has been playing tricks with it and possessing it, to the extent that he loses his mind. So there is a spiritual dimension to mental health that we need to keep in mind. Along with therapy and medication, we should always also include a regimen of dhikr and ruqya as well. I have seen, alhamdulillah, tremendous benefit in people who come seeking help — a few adhkar or an hour or so of ruqya has helped them tremendously alongside all the other therapeutic measures they have taken. We need to utilize both, inshallah.

Topic 4: Social Media and Technology

One out of every five children, by the age of eight, already has a smartphone. That is very problematic because now they have access to the internet at all times — 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We have an addiction — our children and even we adults — with Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Clubhouse, WhatsApp, and all forms of social media. On average, teens check their phones up to 80 times a day. Think about what that does to a person's concentration. How can they even focus? You are trying to read a book or study, but every two minutes you have to go back and check what somebody posted. Teens spend about seven hours a day on their devices, and tweens — ages 8 to 12 — spend about five hours a day. For teenagers, that is almost one third of their day on their phones.

Social media is so harmful and dangerous. I do not know if you have all heard of the documentary The Social Dilemma on Netflix. They interviewed people from Google, Apple, and other big tech companies. What they talked about was how these companies manipulate algorithms to keep us addicted to social media. They are looking at the data: why did the user stay on so long? What were they clicking on? And now they are sending those images onto their phones and feeds so they can keep them on those apps even longer, because the longer you are on them, the more revenue is generated. According to the Pew Research Center, these social media apps are designed to make people more anxious and depressed. When we post, we are always trying to post the best pictures. If we do not get enough likes, we feel bad about ourselves. And this whole term FOMO — Fear of Missing Out — people are seeing stories of everything others are doing, and we feel like our life is insignificant by comparison. This is causing people to feel depressed and ungrateful for what they have been given.

Harms of Social Media

Lack of Social Skills: 43% of teenagers said that they use their phones to avoid interacting with people. Think about what that does to a person's social skills. Marriage is all about communication. If you do not learn those social skills, how are you able to communicate? Even in the workplace — most of the questions asked in an interview are not about technical skills but behavioral skills: how do I communicate? How am I going to fit in with the team? Back in the day, when an adult talked to us, we could look them in the eye, give them a firm handshake, and speak at length. Nowadays, if you try talking to children, they can't even look you in the face. They feel awkward and run away. We probably all experience this.

Sexting: Sexting is when people send sexually explicit photos of themselves to others. Snapchat — which was originally designed for quick 15-second pictures that delete automatically — is now being used by children to send sexually explicit photos. A research study found that 23% of teen girls and 34% of teen boys said that they were pressured by their friends to send or post explicit content of themselves. I have had plenty of clients who told me they fell into this trap of sending explicit photos to someone because they wanted that person to like them.

Solutions for Social Media

1. Recognize there is a problem. If we do not recognize that there is a problem, we cannot fix it. Awareness is critical.

2. Decrease screen time. There are apps that automatically close social media platforms after a certain amount of hours. We need to install these on our children's phones and on our own phones as well.

3. Audit our social media diet. Just as we watch what we eat and make sure we eat healthy, we have to monitor our diet when it comes to social media — think about what we are putting into our hearts and our brains. We need to do muhasabah every single night and think: was this beneficial? Did I do something I should not have? How did it affect me? Only when we recognize that something was harmful will we be able to do something about it.

4. Create a better online experience. We do not have to follow everyone. We do not even have to follow all of our friends — sometimes following our friends is more harmful because we are always thinking, "Why didn't they invite us?" We should follow people who will encourage and motivate us — scholars, people who give a positive message. Anything negative, anything that makes us feel worse about ourselves, we should unfollow.

Further Reflections on Technology — Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed

The shara and evil of today — the way Shaytan is getting into our homes, our minds, our hearts — is through the internet and the cell phone. Is there benefit in it? Obviously. Allah even mentions in the Qur'an regarding intoxicants:

"...their harm is greater than their benefit." There is some level of benefit, but the harm is greater. When it comes to unrestricted devices, we all as fathers and mothers have to come to terms with the fact that this is one of the most harmful things you can do to your son and daughter — to give them a fully connected phone or device.

I was visiting a brother's home recently. MashaAllah, small home. He has maybe a quarter-acre backyard. He took me outside after lunch. He had four goats, a couple of sheep, chickens, a little dirt patch with an ATV, and a garden patch. MashaAllah, he has about six children. He said: none of my kids have a phone. None of my kids have any of that stuff. They are all, mashaAllah, doing amazingly well in high school. All the siblings are huffadh of the Qur'an. They eat all home-cooked food — nothing from the store. The boys are all outside actively doing things in the backyard: taking care of the animals, making new improvements to what they have. And he said, all of this is just an alternative to technology for my kids. They go online to do their homework — that is it. But after that, no one has a personal device. SubhanAllah — where there is a will, there is a way.

I know a neurosurgeon who is the only neurosurgeon in his entire region. When he is traveling, the hospital goes into a different phase and any trauma patient needing neurosurgery is flown by helicopter 80 to 90 miles away. This doctor, SubhanAllah, father of four children — for a long time he had no cell phone. Just a pager. Not in the 90s — now. He would be in Walmart, the pager would go off, and he would go to customer service to make a call to the hospital. Then recently they put pressure on him, so now he has a flip phone. I tell this to my students: you have the only neurosurgeon in the entire town, father of four or five kids, leading a successful life while taking care of his home, patients, and everything else without a smartphone, without being addicted to it. What possible governmental body is an 18-year-old running that requires 10 things happening on 10 social media apps at the same time? Shaytan has made it seem that this is a lifestyle we must have — and you and I must reject it and say: no, we do not have to.

You can change what happens in the world, but you can definitely take control of your home. You have to teach your kids alternative ways of living. We will be successful — more successful than everyone else, inshallah. We will travel the world and do everything. But in order to keep ourselves sane, this must be kept in check.

Most parents at fifth-grade graduation are giving brand new iPhones to their kids. Eighth-grade graduation, brand new laptops. Now there are virtual reality goggles that people are buying. We do not understand, SubhanAllah, that we are literally putting ourselves into — even before Dajjal comes out — a situation where we are camping out on his island. Everything new, just get it. We are not thinking at all about the harms this is doing to our children.

We started with those huge desktops — cost $6,000 to $8,000 — and the whole family would sit around it in the kitchen or family room. Then it became more affordable and you could have your own in your room — things started going wrong. Then came laptops: father comes in, just quickly close it. Then it came onto your personal device — anyone coming, just close it and put it in your pocket. Now we are coming with virtual reality goggles that will soon be virtual reality contact lenses, and then chips. This is going to happen within years. Soon the person sitting next to you — the mom and dad — will never know what their son or daughter is not just watching but experiencing. This is next level. Virtual reality is not just watching. All your senses are being utilized. You are not just seeing things and hearing things — you are actually feeling things.

I advise all the moms and dads listening here — please ask your sons and daughters to take you to a virtual reality gaming place and put those goggles on. I have done this for an hour. It was crazy. In one of the games, I was climbing stairs at the top of a building and being chased by someone. I can not imagine what a fool I must have looked like to people who could not see what I was going through. I am wearing these glasses in a small room — but it is so real. Allah is my witness — it is so real. If someone were to push me, I would have screamed exactly as I would have screamed if someone were to push me off a real building. Your whole mind is in a whole different world. That is where we are headed.

In the metaverse, properties are already being sold. What is the number one highest selling property type in the metaverse right now? Brothels. SubhanAllah. This is not in some far future — it is right now and down the street. And where does it all start from? Remember my words: this — the cell phone — is the key. This is how dajjali efforts will be successful in our homes. This is how Shaytan gets into my home and your home. You have to figure out how to handle it. Think of it like a door: I am not saying live in a house without a door. But lock the door. You can open it when needed and keep it closed the rest of the time. Having unfettered access to the internet and phones always in the hands of our kids — while moms and dads have no idea what their children are watching, who they are friends with — this is a recipe for disaster.

The majority of text messages that teenagers write — I am telling you, as parents, we cannot even understand what they are writing because it is a whole different language. And nowhere is safe. You send them to an Islamic school or madrasa, and there is pressure among the kids. They will send absolutely horrible images to each other's phones. You take the phone away, so now they have Discord and other apps that do not require a phone and can be accessed through the grandma's iPad. I have had fathers come crying to me: "My 10-year-old used my mother's iPad, and a classmate at the Islamic school told him to search for something." Once the innocence is lost — once a child has seen something they should not have seen — you can never bring back that innocence.

One brother told me he works in IT and got a $5,000 IT program to filter all the internet in his home for free through his company. MashaAllah. But then I asked: do your children have data when they travel on the train to campus? He just looked at me and said, "Ah, yeah, I don't know about that, huh?" SubhanAllah. He was at least trying to correct things at home. Most people don't even do that. But what about the train? What about the 10–12 hours they are on campus, in school, on buses, with friends at sleepovers? Do we know what's happening? No, we don't.

Practical Steps for Technology

Number one: Teach our children to themselves recognize the harms. Instead of it coming from dad and mom, the children need to realize: this device is more harm than benefit for me at my age. Make them understand that. If you keep telling them it will not work — they need to believe that their harm lies in this. Make them want to stay away from it willingly, to the best of their ability, and use it only as needed. Try to get them to use desktops — at home, at school — rather than personal devices. Have a simple phone if needed.

Number two: Create taqwa within the hearts of our sons and daughters — and ourselves first and foremost. That Allah is watching me. Every day do a muraqabah and muhasabah — this meditation:

"Allah is present with me. Allah is with me. Allah is looking at me." Teach this. Allah knows the deceptive use of the eye:

"He knows the deceptive look of the eyes and all that hearts conceal." And Allah says:

"Does he not know that Allah is watching?" We have to think of these verses and say: every evil glance of ours, Allah is watching. Your mom is not always going to be there. But we need to teach our children how to use these things with taqwa.

Some people say: we just need to educate them on how to use these things and we cannot take them away. But how many of you would agree to have a loaded gun on the kitchen table every day and just tell the kids, "Don't touch it"? Of course not. Because children are not at the age where they have the ability to inhibit themselves. The passions, desires, and hormones are all over the place. So it is in the best interest of our children that we ourselves curb their use of phones — but not through a tug of war and fighting, because that does not work. Make them willingly understand.

You know how they have gun buybacks? For every week that your child does not use their phone — give them a hundred dollars. The money you and I earn — who is it for? For our kids. We have to give it to them anyway. So for every week off the phone, one hundred dollars. Wallahi, that will be the best $400 you spend in a month. Why? Because now they are off their phones. They have got time to press your legs. They have got time to do things with the family. No one has time to press the feet of their fathers anymore, or massage the heads of their mothers — because everyone is on their phones. They do not even know that is something to be done.

My Ustadh Mullah Sulaiman said: today's family is like people living in a hotel. Everyone has their own room and you bump into each other in the elevator, maybe at the continental breakfast. "Hey, how are you? What room are you staying at?" That is how today's families are. You meet them in the garage. You might meet them at breakfast time, maybe. You bump into your sibling, you bump into your parents. Unfortunately, this has become the reality of our homes — much larger homes than we grew up in, but no muhabbat, no love, no understanding, nothing. Because everyone is on their own phone.

So, we can have no-tech hours. After 8 p.m. or 9 p.m. One imam told me he leaves the phone in the car when he enters the house. Another imam said: I have the house phone, the president of the masjid has my number, and besides that, I leave the phone in the car. Only if the masjid is burning down will he call. Other than that, nothing — because this is the time for me to spend with my wife and my kids. As fathers, we all need to do the same thing. We have made ourselves over-accessible to the people to the extent that our families take a huge hit. That is not ideal.

I also advise having no-tech days — Saturdays or weekends, 10- to 12-hour no-tech periods. Everyone puts the phones away. Go on road trips. I remember as little kids, my siblings and I would sit in the back for hours and talk, share stories, and play games. Gone are those days. Every van and SUV has a big screen for every seat. So even in the car, there is no talking anymore. That is not an upgrade. You are upgrading your car while downgrading your life. Bring back road trips, time at home without the phone daily.

At Dar al-Salam, in February this year, alhamdulillah, we did our first no-tech retreat — a 24-hour no-tech i'tikaf in the masjid. Everything ran on notes. No phones at all. About 90 brothers came and did i'tikaf. It was very different but very beneficial. Inshallah, we will make this a yearly thing. Trying to wean ourselves off of these devices will add extra hours into the day.

Topic 5: Bullying and Suicide

Bullying is the abuse and mistreatment of someone vulnerable by someone more powerful. 20% of teens experience bullying, and 55% of Muslim students reported being bullied. Think about that — 55%. Our children go to public schools and private schools, and there is bullying in both. You can be bullied because of your race, your religion, your height, your weight.

How many of us have actually been bullied for some reason or another? After 9/11, when I was in fifth or sixth grade, my older brother was in a public high school. People would call him names — Taliban, "go back to Pakistan" — trying to rattle him. And unfortunately, he did get into some fights. That is not just something that happened back then — it is happening especially now, with every news story portraying something negative about Muslims.

During my master's program, I wore only a jubba and a topi the entire two years because I wanted to change the perception of everyone there. At the end of one semester, we went around the circle sharing first and last impressions. Fourteen of the fifteen people in the class said that when they first saw me — the only Muslim — they thought I was "like those people on TV" and were scared. But after getting to know me, they said they would stand up for a Muslim, see a Muslim doctor, defend Muslims if they were harassed. This is the reality of the negative perception of Muslims in this country, and it fuels bullying.

Back when I was younger, if a person got bullied, they could go home and not deal with it until the next day. Now, because of cyberbullying and social media, our children have to deal with it even when they get home — text messages, pictures, memes, people making fun of them in WhatsApp groups. Think about what that does to them psychologically — the anxiety about facing school the next day, the depression, the isolation, not wanting to meet other people. And if all of this goes unaddressed, it can lead to suicide.

According to the CDC, every 12 minutes a person commits suicide in the United States. Muslims are not immune to this. In 2017, in Southern California alone — in the LA and Orange County areas — there were 50 reported suicides by Muslims. Just within the pandemic, I attended three janazahs where I only found out upon arriving that the person had committed suicide. We do not talk about this in our communities. We do not bring awareness to it.

Warning Signs

If your child is feeling bullied, or if you are seeing symptoms of depression — they seem isolated, they are not eating their favorite foods, they cannot sleep or are sleeping too much, they are not acting like their normal selves — you need to be vigilant. Intervene, step in, ask them what is going on, and do something about it.

A thought alone is generally not enough to drive someone to act. But when a person has an actual plan — "this is how I am going to do it" — and they have the means: a gun, a rope, something to harm themselves, that is when it becomes critically dangerous. When there is a behavior change, when someone is always talking negatively about themselves, and especially when they verbalize it — "I don't think my life means anything," "Do you think I should live?" — we cannot just brush it off and say, "Just say Audhu Billah and go to sleep, you will be fine." Yes, du'a matters — but when someone is verbalizing suicidal thoughts, we have to take it seriously and get them professional help, whether inpatient care or psychiatric assistance.

I had a situation — a very sad one — where a brother who is a doctor called me. His sister is a psychiatrist, and her son had tried committing suicide three times. He asked me to help because his sister — despite being a psychiatrist who sees these cases daily — was making excuses and not getting her son help. By the third attempt, the son had wrapped a belt around his neck and it broke. Alhamdulillah, he was saved. But one time was too much — you cannot gamble with a child's life. We have to be more aware and step in.

There are laws against bullying in schools — laws that allow you to pursue those who bully your children. Contact local officials, contact a lawyer. And get your child professional help. One approach we use is CBT — Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: the way you think is the way you feel, and the way you feel is the way you are going to act. Help your child with their self-esteem. Have them write five things about themselves that they are truly proud of, and repeat these every single day like a ticker. When you start believing it, you will feel emotionally better, act happier, and be more confident in life.

Closing Reflections on the Family Unit

There are so many questions that have come in — from children, from parents. These are issues that are absolutely relevant to everyone. There is so much pent-up sadness, frustration, and anger within the community because there is no avenue for it. Behind the screen, people are able to share whatever they want anonymously. The crumbling of the family structure is quite evident. Children are saying they hate their parents. Parents are saying they are so tired of their spouses. SubhanAllah. It is so sad to see how this family unit is crumbling apart.

If you want to know what your status is with Allah, look at what your status is at home. The Prophet ﷺ said:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 3895)

"The best from amongst you is the one who is best to his family, and I am the best of you to my family." So if our wife, our son, or our daughter dislikes us, we are really not in a good standing with Allah — because of our so-called focus on work and narcissistic attitudes, our sense of being the supreme authority in the home whom no one can question. Both men and women are dealing with this problem. We are destroying the lives of innocent children when we have this type of attitude. So fear Allah when it comes to the dealings at home.

Let everyone here walk away with introspection. I am saying this for myself first. Let us go back home tonight and seriously ask: am I the wife I am supposed to be? Am I the husband I am supposed to be? Am I the father or mother I am supposed to be? Have a conversation. Sometimes we really cannot understand what people think about us. At work, we have feedback forms, 180-degree reviews, surveys. What about feedback and surveys at home? Half of the issues I am reading about here would be addressed if only the person causing the harm were to realize what harm they are doing to their family.

Sit down with your spouse and ask: as a father, what do you think I am doing right? And then tell me what I am doing wrong. The mom needs to ask the dad: you see me as a mother — can you tell me the things I am doing right, and the mistakes I am making? And if a child is upset and angry, do not just let them walk away. Say: "Beta, why are you angry? I see you are very upset. Don't walk away like this. Explain to me why you are upset. I need to know what is going through your mind." Maybe the way we are delivering the message is not right. Maybe the timing is off. What is the point of having a broken heart at home? How are we going to answer Allah for this?

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 893; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1829)

"Every one of you is a shepherd and every one of you is responsible for his flock." As fathers especially, and as husbands, we are responsible for our spouses and our children. We have to ensure that we become the best husbands, the best fathers. And wives — the same: the best mothers, the best daughters, the best daughters-in-law. This will happen when we ask one another for input and we ask Allah every day: "Ya Allah, please allow me to improve in the roles and responsibilities that I have."

I will end with a hadith. Rasulullah ﷺ said: on the Day of Judgment, who is the biggest bankrupt person — the biggest muflis?

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2581)

"The bankrupt person from my ummah is the one who comes on the Day of Judgment with prayer, fasting, and zakat — but he has cursed this one, slandered this one, consumed this one's wealth, shed this one's blood, and struck this one." He comes with mountains of good deeds, but he has hurt this one and that one. On the Day of Judgment, Allah will say there will be no oppression. All those he has hurt — sons, daughters, parents, siblings — will line up, and Allah will say: come, give your good deeds. The person gives away all his deeds, but the line does not end. Because he had a sharp tongue, a narcissistic attitude, full of arrogance and never thinking himself wrong — he hurt masses of people throughout his life. So the line does not end, and Allah will say: all of you start offloading your sins onto him. Sins he never committed in his life will pile up — mountains of salat and fasting gone, replaced with mountains of major sins. And then Allah will send him to hellfire. Because of what? Because of his akhlaq.

The nucleus of the community is the nuclear family. As moms, dads, sons, and daughters — let us all go back home tonight, inshallah, with many things we are taking from here. But with this commitment: that we are going to become a much better family unit. Stop pointing fingers at others. Point the finger at yourself and say: let me come right first. If I come right, then inshallah, the others will come right. May Allah make it easy for me and all of us here to bring this into our amal, inshallah.

Final Advice

I want to say one thing and close with two points. First: make sure your child learns their deen. It is very important that our children learn their deen properly. Every problem has an answer in Islam — that is one of the most profound things I have learned through studying. So number one: make sure your children have an Islamic education.

The second point: Ali ibn Abi Talib, may Allah be pleased with him, said that in the first seven years, you let your child play. In the second seven years, you discipline your child. After that, you become their best friend. We, especially as fathers and mothers, need to learn to be our child's best friend — to have them feel comfortable coming to us rather than to strangers. We need to sit down with them and give them the time they deserve. We work so hard and earn all this money to provide them a better life — but we do not even spend five or ten minutes a day with them. A child does not need much time. They need five to ten minutes a day. The best time is probably right before they go to sleep. Be your child's best friend — inshallah, that is one thing I hope we can all take away from today.