The Parent's Huddle w/ Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed (#1) | 2/22/26 | Ramadan Series

The Parent's Huddle — Ramadan Series #1

The topic we said is a parent's huddle. That's exactly what it's supposed to be. It's the parents gathered together saying, how do we work this? How are we supposed to handle these challenges and these difficulties?

The month of Ramadan — it's an amazing community feeling here. Alhamdulillah, when you have Fajr with 300–400 people, Isha with 1,000 people, and community iftars with 700–800 to 1,000 people, everyone is together. But there are so many people who feel amazing and recharged when they are in these group spaces. But as soon as they leave, it's downhill because their house is falling apart. So as long as they are in this type of environment, they feel upbeat and they kind of numb themselves from their difficulties. But when they leave this environment, the reality hits them that there's too much going on in my home.

And for many, they don't have any idea how to get out of that mess. What are those issues? Those are relationship issues — with parents, with siblings, with in-laws, with spouses, of course with kids — all put together. That's one.

Number two, it is an issue of just: how do I get myself into deen in my home because I don't have a conducive environment? Or: I'm trying my best to be on the deen but I do not have any support. Number three: Alhamdulillah, my spouse and I, we try our best to follow the deen — yes, we're not there perfectly — but how do I make this deen move on to the next generation? And how do I make my children enjoy deen as much as I do? Connect themselves with Allah as much as I want to. So these are some real issues that all of us are going through.

We hope insha'Allah these sessions create an opportunity for us to work through this. The first 15–20 minutes I'll speak and then we'll engage with the questions insha'Allah.

Ḥudūdullāh — The Boundaries Laid Out by Allah

The other day, when we were reading Surah al-Baqarah in Taraweeh Salah — I'm reading it, I prepared it so many times growing up and I've obviously read it my whole life. But subhanAllah, a few nights ago when I was reading it in salah, it hit me in a different manner as I was leading the salah. I was thinking: Allah is speaking about talaq — divorce — and everything related to that in Surah al-Baqarah in the second juz, in the last quarter of the second juz.

There is so much detail about talaq there. It's not such a simple thing which people think it is. There's a lot of nuances, lots of details, a whole set of injunctions related to that. But one thing that really caught my attention was the repeated ayah:

"Those are the boundaries laid out by Allah, so do not cross over them."

Allah says that if they both intend أَن يُقِيمَا حُدُودَ اللَّهِ — to establish Allah's boundaries — then Allah will make ways and Allah will make it happen. The word حُدُودُ اللَّهِ has been repeated multiple times within one to two pages — possibly more than anywhere else in the entire Quran.

And what this makes us realize is that our relationships at home are not my problem or her problem, or my problem or his problem. This is Allah laying it out. Allah is saying: these are my rules. It's not that I run the house the way I want to, or I want you to run the house this manner. No. The house runs the way Allah wants it. And He calls it حُدُود — the boundaries laid out by Allah. And He keeps on saying: make sure you establish those boundaries, and make sure you don't cross over and jump over those boundaries.

So a mindset has to change. Like salah — you don't say, "I'm feeling very spiritual, when the imam said salam I'm going to add another rak'ah, I'm going to read five today, I'm going to read six." You can't do that. Everyone would look at you: what are you doing? That's not salah, that's something else. You can pray sunnah, but you can't add to the fard.

Similarly, our aspect of submission to Allah and how we do things is not only for salah or fasting or zakah — rather it also goes into our social life. How we deal at home — really, we have to report to Allah on this. Not to my mom and dad, my in-laws and you. I report to Allah on this. So I have to make sure that just like how much my beloved brothers and sisters keep on saying, "I want to be sincere in my ibadah, how can I increase my khushu', how can I increase my focus, how can I improve my tajweed, how can I learn Quranic Arabic, how can my kids learn Quranic Arabic, how can my kids become hafidh?" — mashAllah, these are amazing things because we want to become spiritual, we want to get connected to Allah, we want to do more ibadah. But we need to understand that what happens at home 100% is also ibadah.

And we have to ask in that same manner: how do I work things at home such that when I come to my home, it's not a headache — it's the end of a headache? When I meet my spouse, subhanAllah, it's not the start of a stomachache — it's the removal and forgetting of all my problems because I've seen my spouse. That's the goal. How is it that my kids are so excited to see me? I am excited to see my parents. I want to enjoy spending time with my parents. These things, my beloved friends, should be a central part of our ibadah — that I want to make sure my home becomes peaceful and harmonious.

So when a person stops separating what happens in the masjid from what happens at home — that's the beginning of the journey. Just like we follow the imam over here and we follow the fiqh over here, the same thing goes when we go home — all of our relationships. Just like we do not allow emotions to come in between us in our salah, we cannot allow emotions to come between us and our relationships, especially at home.

There's no such thing as a knee-jerk reaction you "just did." The idea is: that's exactly what Ramadan is a very big assistant in trying to curb — where we start regulating our emotions and we start developing self-control. Yes, he or she said something which is really upsetting, really frustrating, but subhanAllah, through the barakah of fasting, I haven't eaten and drunk anything for 12–14 hours. I can definitely honestly focus on learning how to drink my anger — control my anger. Qad' al-ghayẓ — that's the word. As they say in Urdu also, gussa pee jao — literally translated as "drink your anger."

Just think about it. I am working against my nafs to do things which are almost impossible for people to imagine — fasting for 18 hours, 16 hours, in hot summer days. People say: your 8-year-olds are doing it? Your 10-year-olds are doing it? Where there's a will, there's a way. MashAllah, sometimes 5-year-olds do it, and we have a big gift and big prize for them. Dear moms and dads, just like that we have to learn how to fast from caving into our knee-jerk reactions and caving into our emotional outbursts — and text message outbursts.

She might say something to you completely inappropriate over text. It's one hour left for Maghrib. You're at work or you're in the masjid reading Quran. Buzz, buzz, buzz. You look at it and you see old stories coming up — stuff that happened last month, last year. How do you respond to this? Should you close your mushaf and get on World War III over texting? You're in the middle of work — should you leave your customers, your clients, and start this? How do we regulate these emotions? Ramadan — if not now, then when? If we can't do it now, when are we going to be able to? We're doing something huge — we're giving up food and drink the whole day.

So this is where this discussion lies: this is حُدُودُ اللَّهِ. In your mind, you and I need to tell ourselves: this is not about me — these are the boundaries laid out by Allah. And my in-laws might be very nice people, my children might be nice people, my parents might be nice people, but I have to face Allah. What is going to happen about this situation?

Forgiveness and Taqwa

Then, on the next page, Allah says regarding when a divorce is taking place and the issue of mahr when the marriage has not been consummated. How much of the mahr needs to be given? The Quran says:

"Give half of what was already agreed upon — unless someone decides to forgive." Someone says: you're not loaded with money, and actually I don't need the money. We're both suffering from this breakup. Use that mahr towards your actual wife that you end up staying with. Or he might say: whatever the mahr was, this heartache is nothing compared to the money — money is nothing for me. Although the Sharia says I don't need to give the full amount, I'm just going to give the full amount.

Then Allah says:

"And if you forgive, it is closer to taqwa. And do not forget to be gracious with one another. Indeed, Allah is all-watchful over what you do."

This ayah — I deal a lot with divorce, or wanting-to-divorce, or already-divorced couples. And I know the level of vengeance and anger that's in people — not at the time of divorce, but even years later. Many of you sitting here can possibly relate to what I'm saying. Either one or both partners end up dedicating their life to vengeance: I've been hurt so bad — my whole life I'm just going to dedicate it to ruining, tarnishing the image of the other person, attacking their honor. It doesn't have to be like that. It shouldn't be like that.

Allah is saying: you're in the midst of a divorce — but if you take the higher road and you actually forgive your ex and your ex's family, أَقْرَبُ لِلتَّقْوَى — that is much closer to taqwa.

Now, those who say: "Brother, I'm not going to divorce, but yes, we have issues, we have arguments" — if Allah is speaking to the people who are going through a divorce, what about you and I who just have small arguments at home? Allah is saying that if you forgive, it is أَقْرَبُ — closest to taqwa.

What's the purpose of the fasting you and I are engaged in?

"O you who believe! Fasting has been prescribed upon you as it was prescribed upon those before you, so that you may attain taqwa." Everyone knows this. The purpose of fasting was to inculcate God-consciousness. And Allah says: if you forgive people at that time — when your anger is at an all-time high — you are going to gain taqwa.

And then: وَلَا تَنسَوُا الْفَضْلَ بَيْنَكُمْ — "Do not forget to be gracious with one another at this time." Go the extra — not mile — maybe even 100 miles — by being gracious to your ex's family and your ex. Ya Allah, how can I be doing this? It's so painful. It's so tough. Gracious. How come? Allah says it. And how does the ayah end? إِنَّ اللَّهَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ بَصِيرٌ — "Because indeed Allah is all-watchful over what you do." That's why you've got to be gracious. Because you are not making a business deal with your ex — you are doing this with Allah. Ya Allah, I'm in pain. I'm so hurt. I'm going to forgive you for the sake of Allah.

Divorce, Sabr, and the Reality of Our Era

Think about it — how many of you know somebody who is going through a divorce or has just gone through one? It's extremely common now. But one big reason — from someone who is constantly involved in these situations — is that sabr, forbearance and patience, is simply non-existent. If you actually look at the crux of the issue, it is absolutely not something that cannot be handled. Our parents' generation went through 10 times worse. But they stayed quiet, they made sabr, and they are married — mashAllah — 55 years, 60 years, 45 years.

And now, subhanAllah, you've got 3 kids under 7 and now you're in courts. Everything you earned and she earned in the past 3–5 years is going down in the courts. And your kids are watching this the whole time. Over what? Over some petty issue. Once you create a tear in the family — that's it, it always keeps going down. It's very hard. I know people — 3 generations back-to-back-to-back of divorce. And many times it actually emboldens certain people: "My mom lived her whole life divorced, so I guess I can do it too."

It was called abghaḍ al-ḥalāl — the worst halal. The most repugnant, most hated thing to Allah — talaq. It's called halal because there are certain times you actually have to — someone is extremely mentally ill and you do not have the ability and the capacity to handle that. The deen is not oppressive. There are times when you have to find your way out. However, that should be the absolute last resort.

All of us sitting here, whether married for 5 years, 3 years, or 50 years — understand that the thought of divorce can come in at any time. Don't ever think: "Alhamdulillah, I've been happily married for 49 years, everything's going to be fine." I'm seeing people literally filing for divorce after 45 years. The kids are all married. Really? Now? But this is what Shaytan is doing today.

And there is such a strong push towards lust today — towards the fulfillment of lustful desires in absolutely despicable, animalistic ways. That filth is happening within our own communities. I want you to understand what type of era we live in — a genuine satanic era. Even in the month of Ramadan. Even in the Haram Sharif. Everywhere. You can't hide from this — you have to protect yourself. It's like bitter cold with no walls and no heat. Wherever you go, the cold is coming at you. What do you do? You bundle up. That's all you've got. You have to bundle yourself up, bundle up your spouse, and bundle up your kids. There is no running away from this.

I have sisters — 55-year-old women — calling me saying: "What do I do? My husband is having an affair." I had a 14-year-old come to me: his dad gave him his phone for something and he opened it up and saw so many inappropriate pictures and messages. Now this 14-year-old is coming and asking the ustad sahib — "Do I tell my mom or not? Do I address this to my father or not?" Imagine the type of challenges a 14-year-old has to go through.

I was going up to give a khutbah somewhere in another state and he said, "Sheikh, I need 30 seconds." I said: call him into your office, you know him, and then you just have to be the bad cop. If you need a good cop, get one in the room too. The idea is: there are two ways to go down this — a straight way and a crooked way. Which one are you going to take? And if this word gets out, you're going to lose your house, your kids, your family. You won't be able to show your face in society. We can go that route if that's what you want. Or I'm ready to work with you — no one needs to know about this. But I will be the middleman to help restore your son's faith in you and get you back on track. Because the fact that you went into this extramarital affair — it came from somewhere. There's something wrong with your marriage. Why would you randomly leave four kids and your wife and go and have an affair?

And by the way — as many affairs as we're having with men, unfortunately we have a lot happening with women as well. Lots of them. There's something happening — your marriage is not being fulfilling and that's why you're looking elsewhere.

What if he said, "Where's the proof? What if I didn't do anything?" Brother, it doesn't make a difference whether you did anything or not. Your 14-year-old has completely lost trust in you. So it is as though you have done it. We still have a problem — we still have to restore his trust in you. How are you going to go back to your home when your 14-year-old thinks his father is XYZ?

How does a person make sure that he takes the high road? إِنَّ اللَّهَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ بَصِيرٌ — thinking that Allah has His watchful glance over everything.

Why am I sitting and speaking about this stuff in the masjid? The idea is like a doctor of diabetes or lung cancer who comes and speaks about horrific stats and shares with the community how people are dying from this disease. The person is not trying to create a morbid environment in the masjid. The idea is to warn us and make sure we change our ways of living. Start eating healthy, start living healthy. The idea is these staggering stats are to wake us up: stop eating extra pakoras, stop drinking bottles of Rooh Afza, stop popping medjool dates that are 30 grams of carbs each — and now they come chocolate-covered, cream-cheese-filled, whipped-cream-covered, coconut-covered. Have you seen those? They're amazing. But imagine you eat four and then you say, "This is just my dates, then I'll get to my water, then my drinks, then my fried items, then my fruit chaat, then my other things, then we'll pray, and then we'll roll up for dinner." What's going to happen in this type of fasting?

The ulama emphasize — and my previous Jumu'ah khutbah in Ohio was 100% dedicated to nutrition in Ramadan — that if we're not eating healthy, you forget the fast; it's not a real fast. If a person is gaining weight, that goes absolutely against the maqsad of fasting.

I am sharing these stories and incidents for us to realize: we are emphasizing on beautifying and cleansing the external aspects of our life — the masjid carpet, the paint, the granite — while things are completely falling apart in our homes.

Salah — The Anchor After Relationships

After mentioning talaq, and after mentioning that taqwa comes through forgiveness and taking the higher road and being gracious to your ex, and that Allah is watchful, then Allah says:

"Be very punctual on your prayers and your middle prayer — Asr Salah — and stand up in front of Allah in salah with absolute focus, absolute humility, with absolute dedication to your worship."

Notice how the salah comes in afterwards. This order — this tartīb — is interesting. That is my message for this Ramadan: every one of us, let us focus on our home.

The Children Are Paying the Price

Whoever is suffering — you can say: I'm suffering, my wife is suffering, my husband is suffering. Honestly, more than any individual who can eventually part ways, the ones paying the price are the kids. Because right now, husband and wife living together in harmony, raising children with proper tarbiyah is becoming so challenging. When mom and dad go to sleep, the pillow talk is about the kids. Breakfast talk is about the kids. Lunchtime text messages are about the kids. And then imagine if instead of pillow talk, it's screaming from different rooms, and the talk through lawyers is about using the children as collateral — as pawns, as chess pieces, as threats against the spouse. What is going to happen to this generation of children?

Have you seen a National Geographic documentary where a cheetah or a lion in Africa is trying to find its next meal? It sees a herd of wildebeest or antelope moving. Who do they go after? The small one. The baby. The fawn. And how do they go after him? They go after the baby when the parents are distracted — when the parents are busy with taking care of the rest. They pounce when the mom and dad are looking elsewhere. They pounce when the mom and dad are busy with the other kids.

Honestly, mamta — motherhood — Allahu Akbar, is so amazing. And fatherhood is so amazing. When I watch these documentaries, even a 30-second clip, I get emotional — that wow, this motherhood and fatherhood is so similar within the animal kingdom. You see the way the mom makes an effort to take care of her baby. The way the father tries to take care of his flock, his pride. Allahu Akbar, there's something truly wondrous about this relationship.

And I read a painful story yesterday. Bear with me.

This is a tweet from Dropsite News: "In the town of Talousa, near the Israeli border, in the Marjayoun district of Nabatieh Governorate in Lebanon, 62-year-old Ahmad Tarmas received a call from someone identifying as the Israeli army. He asked whether Tarmas wished to die alone or with his family. He chose to face death by himself and left the home he was in. Minutes later, a drone strike killed him in his car. Similar incidents have occurred in southern Lebanon, with victims receiving death calls before being assassinated by Israel."

SubhanAllah. A dad. Just imagine — when you're walking out, you can't tell your wife, "I'm not going to see you again." You can't tell your kids. You have to quietly distract them and walk out of the house. SubhanAllah. This is happening live. May Allah have mercy on the ummah. And may He allow the rest of the ummah to awaken and to turn towards Allah. For indeed the solutions to all of this only lie with Allah. And the first step is our own individual repentance. The first step is our own awakening. He went to Jannah insha'Allah — shaheed. And his wife is the widow of a shaheed. But what about us? Where do we stand today?

So the idea is: Shaytan is using that same tactic with us — keeping the parents busy with one another, arguing and fighting, while the goal is to grab the little ones. One of my asatidha told me — he said it to me in Urdu and it just hit me with tears in my eyes: "Shaytan is just waiting. When your generation of elders and parents will cover themselves from the world and pass away, then Shaytan will take the children away. Shaytan is just waiting for the parents' generation to pass away — as soon as the elder generation passes away, Shaytan is waiting to take the little ones."

And now think of how true those words are. Whatever deen we have left in our community and society — how much of it really genuinely is because of the grandparents? Or because of those parents who got good tarbiyah and are holding the fort down. But when those elders are gone, what exactly is going to happen to us?

The Home as a Place of Worship

It's high time that each one of us realizes that Ramadan — about being spiritual — really starts with what's happening in our home. Let us enjoy these public spaces and the excitement of Ramadan in these public spaces. But my dear friends, let's focus on our private spaces. Let's make our private spaces even more enjoyable than our public spaces.

This is from one of the athar and statements of a Sahabi where he said:

(Reported by al-Tabarani; attributed to various companions of the Prophet ﷺ)

"The best monastery — the best place of worship — for a believer is his house." The word ṣawmaʿa means a monastery where a monk does his ibadah, a khanqah, a zawiyah. The Prophet ﷺ is saying: your home is a place where you can focus on your ibadah — where it is conducive to worshiping Allah. You have created such an environment that there is Quran being recited out loud.

Today, mashAllah, after Fajr, I'm sure everywhere tilawat is being made. At Fajr this morning — from salah all the way until 7:30, 7:45 — there was the loud buzzing sound of Quran happening in the masjid for two hours after Fajr. What an environment. Now that has to happen in the home. Because even if you don't feel like reading, you get up and pick up a mushaf and start reading. That environment has to move into our home.

The ulema explain the du'a:

"Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes, and make us an example for the righteous." (Quran 25:74) The ulema of tafsir say: the greatest happiness a man can get is when he sees his children and his spouse in the worship of Allah. You come home — one is in salah, two are doing dhikr, one is reading Quran. That is the goal.

The goal is that whatever we see outside on the qiyam nights — all of that needs to come into my home. Taking the spirituality from the masjid and taking it home. Say insha'Allah, we're going to work on this.

But Baba, I don't feel like worshipping at home — there's too much fighting here. I'm going to go to the masjid. The masjid has in a sense become a "third place" — it's 9pm, I can't be at work and I can't be at home. One brother was telling me someone used to show up at his office in the middle of the day. His office became someone else's third space because that person said: "I can't go home — so much fighting at home, I'll just chill out in your waiting room." AstaghfirAllah. The masjid is a sanctuary for everybody, but you should also be able to go back to your home. That's my point.

Questions and Answers

What books do you recommend for families to read together?

Very good question. When you read a book together, it gives us an opportunity to not be calling the shots, being the police at home, being so-called judgmental. When you do a halaqa at home, let the book do the talking. And that's it. Maybe someone else can explain. Maybe the kids can explain what they understood. But when we add commentary — the mirch masala, the spices — it ruins it. "See, this hadith is about you." And then she says, "This hadith is about you." Well, that ta'leem went down the drain.

Today the problem is the women read all the hadith that are meant to be for the men, and the men read all the hadith that are meant to be for the women — that's why we're not benefiting. The poor are reading all the hadith that are meant for the rich, and the rich are reading all the hadith that are meant for the poor. The husband is reading all the section on the rights of the husband. And the wife is reading the section on the rights of the wife. How is this going to work? Each person should focus on the hadith that are there for them.

From the books you can read — mashAllah, so many. Comprehensive books of hadith are good. Books that talk about how we wake up to how we sleep, how we eat, how we drink — muʿāshara, ḥusn al-muʿāshara, complete social life.

Riyad al-Salihin is a very well-known book. Get the three-volume set — red color — published in South Africa, available at Dar es Salaam bookstore. It has a nice commentary on it.

Then there is a book called Downpour of Blessings by Khalid Baig — a re-adaptation of Ma'arif al-Hadith. A beautiful book that goes through all different sections with very modern-day commentary. That's a good collection of hadith as well.

Second, a very powerful thing we get inspired by is listening to the stories of the Sahaba — and sahabiyat, young and old. Wallahi, the stories of the Sahaba have amazing power.

The best, most comprehensive book in that is Hayat al-Sahaba of Shaykh Yusuf al-Kandhlawi. There is a new translation out that is a much easier read. Hayat al-Sahaba is unparalleled in this section. You know Sahih al-Bukhari? The secret of Sahih al-Bukhari is in the tarjamah al-bab — the chapter headings. Similarly, Hayat al-Sahaba's key strength is in its chapter headings. If you just spend a few minutes reading through the table of contents alone, you'll understand what I'm saying. You will never find a table of contents anywhere else like this — the focus on the Sahaba's life from so many dimensions and perspectives is unparalleled. That is why every major Arab publisher in the Middle East has their own edition of it. It's one of the most sold books in every bookstore. You can find the new one-volume translation — blue cover, soft copy — from Makkah Books, called Companions of the Prophet. I would recommend that.

Similarly, the Hayat al-Sahaba section from Fada'il al-A'mal of Shaykh Zakariya al-Kandhlawi has been published separately. And just go to Al-Balagh or Makkah Books and type in "stories of prophets" or "stories of Sahaba" — a great place to start for reading at home.

My ustad once said — and I remember this almost as an oath — "I guarantee: do ta'leem of Hayat al-Sahaba for six weeks in your home and then tell me your problems have not been solved." What did the psychologist say? To change habits, it takes about 40 days, six weeks. You're doing a realignment of the mindset. And it's not just the wife or the husband. The whole house gets together and we get counseled by the Sahaba. We get realignment. That's why it's so effective.

A Three-Pronged Approach: Ta'leem, Dhikr, and Du'a

Number two: I would encourage every one of us to do dhikr. Buy a pack of 12 tasbihs. Keep one on your fireplace. Keep one by your kitchen table. Keep one on your side table. Keep one in your car. Keep one in your purse or pocket. Wherever it is, buy a bunch of tasbihs and keep them everywhere — this reminds you of the dhikr of Allah. Every single day after you finish ta'leem, do a halaqa of dhikr — ten minutes, five minutes. Let's do one tasbih, a hundred times istighfar, a hundred times salat al-nabi, a hundred times the third kalima. SubhanAllah, alhamdulillah, la ilaha illallah. You don't have to do a hundred — you can start off with 15.

Third thing: du'a. Collective du'a. I just want to ask: how many of you do collective du'a at home every day? We have to change that. The power is in the collective du'a. May Allah reward our parents' generation — it was very common for everyone to come together at iftar time, suhoor time, or even outside of Ramadan, doing du'a together. That's where unity gets built.

My beloved friends, we have to play together, vacation together, do all kinds of stuff together — but we also have to pray together. When husbands and wives sit together and make du'a — the wife makes du'a today and I say ameen, the husband makes du'a today and she says ameen — it completely changes the dynamic. I know some of us, when we got married, we probably did that on the honeymoon. But 15 years later, you still have to do it. It really builds your connection with your spouse in a manner that nothing else does.

One of my colleagues, Maulana Abdul Halim, told me: his mom and dad, every single day for about three or four decades — until his father, may Allah have mercy on him, passed away two or three years ago — every single day, his mom and dad would wake up for tahajjud salah. In America, in the state of Florida. Every single night his father would read one manzil — about six and a half juz — in tahajjud with his mom praying behind him. You tell me: if husband and wife read tahajjud together, can they honestly argue like cats and dogs during the day?

Today we're trying to solve the problem with money — it doesn't get solved with money. It doesn't get solved with just external things. Solve it with Allah. I'm sorry and you're sorry. Listen, we're not going to talk about issues anymore. We're going to just sit and speak to Allah. We're going to pray two rak'aat of tahajjud. You don't have to be a hafidh.

And you know how that father passed away? He got up for tahajjud, he was making wudu, he slipped and fell and passed away.

(Reported by al-Munawi in Fayd al-Qadir, attributed to a hadith of the Prophet ﷺ)

"The way you live your life is the way you will die, and the way you die is the way you will be raised up." What a way to die. May Allah have mercy on him. And may Allah create our relationships with our spouses like this. Say, Allahumma ameen. That we pray tahajjud together. That we make du'a together. It can happen — it can happen tonight. It doesn't have to be seven juz or one juz. It could literally be the last ten surahs. But do it.

How should you go about marriage if you have committed a sin before? What if you covered your sin and your spouse finds out later?

First of all, you do not need to expose your past. If you are sincerely repenting, you do not need to expose your past. Just think about the mushrikin — can there be any greater sin than shirk and kufr? A revert brother — what is he going to say, every single thing he did? No, move on. If someone asks you, you don't have to lie — just say: whatever happened, that was a past life. When Islam says إِنَّ الْإِسْلَامَ يَهْدِمُ مَا كَانَ قَبْلَهُ — Islam destroys everything that happened in the past. It's gone. That's not me. That's a different person. Why would I bring it up?

But now the issue is that he or she finds out. One brother — on the first night together, called me and said, "It's over." I'm like, what happened? He said he told his wife about his past sin. I said, Allahu Akbar — Shaytan made you say that. Why would you say this? There's never a time to say stuff like that. So please: do not expose your faults, even in your most so-called vulnerable, lovey-dovey moments. Girls and guys — as long as you've repented.

Now, if someone finds out — being truthful is the way to go. If you are involved in something right now and it is ongoing — that's a different story. But do not lie to your spouse. Just be honest: this is who I am. And the reason I hid it is because the deen teaches us not to expose our past.

How can we foster better communication between children and their grandparents given that many children today are resistant to traditional lecturing or nagging?

As moms and dads, keep on giving targhīb and encouragement to our children about the status of the grandparents. SubhanAllah, just your job is to stay there, stay quiet, do dhikr in your heart — that's it. When your grandparents are getting upset and saying something, you don't have to respond to everything. You can just sit and look at them. And subhanAllah, you will remember those conversations. How many of us who have lost our grandparents remember the conversations we had with them?

I quote my dada so much. Even though mashAllah he was a very strict person. I was playing with my little toy trucks as a kid and my dada said, "Go grab water." I didn't want to waste time, so I went and filled a glass from the vanity sink in the bathroom. And boy, did he let me know: "You brought me water from the bathroom?!" And then another time I brought water to him holding the glass with one hand like this. He said: "This is how you give a glass of water?" — put one hand underneath and one hand holding, ideally in a tray. I was five or six years old. We got lectured; we didn't like it at the time maybe. But alhamdulillah, may Allah fill his grave with noor, Allahumma ameen.

Tell your children: you're never going to get this again. Nobody is going to love you the way your grandparents do. Their time is short. Tell them: your cousins don't have this opportunity of living with dada, dadi, nana, nani — this is a special thing. Alhamdulillah, I'm blessed to live with my parents. Yes, the lecturing and nagging happens once in a while. But I'm grateful because that tarbiyah — I am not giving it myself. A few years ago my mother, hafidhahallah, walked by and my son was sitting on the sofa reading. She said to him, "Sit up straight." He scooted. She said again. He scooted a little more. Then she said: "Sit in a manner that your feet are not pointing towards your father." That touched me — wow, I never gave that tarbiyah. While sitting on the sofa. Yes, his feet shouldn't be touching dad's foot — but the very fact of how you're sitting in the presence of your father. The elders sitting here will tell you: you never in your life dreamed of doing that to your dad. It's because we're not telling our children. Why? Because we come from a so-called different era. But the deen is all about this. Deen kulluhu adab. Where do you get that perspective from? Your elders.

So explain to your kids: this nagging that you dislike, you're going to remember it when you're crying tears saying, "Ya Allah, I miss my dada and nani — they're never coming back." May Allah allow us to benefit from them.

My children are warm, good, and obedient — but when we tell them to do something they keep forgetting and repeating the same thing.

I'm a dad and I'm a son — I'm in both situations. There are things my father, hafidhahullah, will tell me that I genuinely forget. And it upsets him. Why in the world would I intentionally want to make my dad upset? I know there is no goodness for me in this dunya or akhirah if I make my dad upset. But I genuinely just have to blame it on Shaytan. I never intend to forget. But I forget certain things. And then I have to remember: my son does the same thing.

The same Shaytan that made me forget to do something my dad asked me to do is the same Shaytan that's making my son forget to do the thing I'm asking him to do. But that khabīth Shaytan — do you think he makes me remember that when I get mad at my son? No. I'm being very vulnerable with you right now. That's how it works with all of us.

So understand: your children may not be as dutiful as you were to your dad. But probably they are still treating you better than a lot of their classmates are treating their dads. You have to remember that part.

And when someone in Sunday school or Islamic school is not listening — as a teacher, do I berate them? I'd get fired if I berate them. The way we treat kids in the masjid — if a child is running around and screaming or crying, we don't hate him. We go and hug him. That same love and compassion we have to have with our own kids — which honestly we don't have. We have compassion with everyone else's kids except for our own. May Allah grant me tawfiq to practice on this. May Allah grant all of us that the kindness we have outside, we bring it home.

So if someone is not listening to you: You're a sane 12-year-old, mashAllah. I've already told you three times. Can we have a very friend-to-friend, heart-to-heart conversation? Can you please tell me what's going on? Why are you not able to do it? Maybe there are some roadblocks. How would a manager speak to someone who reports to him? "It's four days in and I see you haven't completed this task." He's not going to berate him — he's going to sit down and figure out what the obstacles are and try to solve them. That is the approach I would suggest with our kids.

What factors and steps should we take to determine if divorce is the right step? Is staying in the marriage better for the kids?

In most cases, I would say it's a better option to stay. It could mean that we stay married but stay next door. It could mean that we stay married but in a short-distance arrangement. Whatever. But the idea of a child being able to say, "Are your parents divorced? No" — that is an amazing feeling for a child.

I was speaking in a Colorado Islamic school one day to fifth graders, fourth graders. I asked: "What is the divorce rate of the Muslim community?" And a seven-year-old said, "Ah, 90%." The other kids said, "Yeah, maybe 80%." Why are our fifth graders saying this? Because that's exactly what they see. And when they see that — our parents got divorced anyway — what's the next generation going to say? What's the point of getting married? That is exactly the culture right now. I can get everything I need for free — why get hitched? AstaghfirAllah. And that is so easily available without all the headache.

That is why staying married at all cost — yes, but speak to a scholar, speak to an alim who understands. Many therapists and psychiatrists are great, but many of them unfortunately seem to give brownie points for every divorce they cause. Previously, if someone's wife went to the neighbor complaining, the neighbor would say: "Wallahi, I'm not going to eat until we sort this out." I actually witnessed this. That's how neighbors were, that's how siblings were, that's how parents were. And today: "Come over, leave your husband, my basement is open." That's not friendship. Friendship is: I'm coming over to your house right now, and we are going to sort this out.

How to balance wanting your wife and kids to have comfort you can afford without spoiling them?

Not spoiling them is a very important tarbiyah. But instead of you saying that with your paycheck and credit card — if your wife says, "I want this," and you say, "I don't want to spoil you, my dear," she's going to spoil your day. Better than that is doing ta'leem. One powerful book is Fada'il al-Sadaqat of Shaykh Zakariya al-Kandhlawi — Allahu Akbar. Have you heard of this book? Your moms and dads probably have it at home. It's volume two of Fada'il al-A'mal. Shaykh Zakariya gets stories from the Salaf — all stories, hadith, zuhd and sakhawa. Women are more emotional than us. When they read this, they'll have tears in their eyes. That's the way to do tarbiyah. Do tarbiyah through ta'leem — not by saying, "No, I need to do your tarbiyah." That will never work.

How can you bring up the topic of a prenup?

Prenup discussions are very important and should be brought up ideally at the beginning — at the time of marriage. Yes, you're talking about divorce at the time of marriage? Think of it like insurance. You just bought a $100,000 car — you insure it. You get a warranty. The only time to get warranty and insurance is at the time of purchase. After an accident, it's too late. Same thing for marriage. Having these discussions early on — straight talk — is very beneficial in our community, especially now when husbands and wives are both earning in many cases.

Later on, bringing this discussion up might not be the easiest thing. I would say: first do everything I've said in the past hour. And after doing that for the next six weeks, if you still need to talk about prenups, then you can contact me.

How on earth do you motivate the women to start ibadah at home and attend lectures outside?

Did I not give you the answer? Today, before Maghrib, go home and sit with a book. If you don't have the books I mentioned, you definitely have Islamic books at home — grab something off the shelf, dust it, and sit down in your family room. Say: "Boys, girls, come. And dear, come." If she wants to come, she comes; if not, just read aloud. Allah gave you a beautiful voice — just read. "Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Abu Hurairah, radiallahu anhu, is narrating that the Prophet ﷺ has said..." And read. Then give it to the next person. After that, do dhikr. Do du'a. Done. That's how you do it.

You cannot force anyone. You have to change your home through ta'leem. We men also don't know how to do tarbiyah — that's the problem. Honestly, the reason this is happening is we men are not being the proper men we need to be. Your job is not just to swipe and tap. We tapped enough — that's not helping our home. What the wife needs to see and what the kids need to see is a spiritual father. And a spiritual father is not one who sits in the front row and leaves his kids at home. No — bring your kids to the masjid. Bring your spouse. "I don't want to come." Okay, you know what? Dinner is on me. Because I know you've got too much chores to do. I will help you. What are the chores? I will spend an hour doing them with you, but honestly, there's a great halaqa happening for the women — I want to drop you off there. And I promise you, while you're at the halaqa, I'll take care of the kitchen.

It is in our best interest that our wives become religious. And for that, you have to go out of your way to help them. Yes, you just worked 60 hours and you have to do the dishes? But if you want her close to the deen, just do it. Just like you tell your kids, "Let's go to Quran class" — and when he's a little kid you say, "I'll buy you something from the vending machine." Same thing with our spouses. We have to have hikmah.

Do you have to make iqama if it's just you and your wife praying together?

You should. You should give adhan and iqama.

How do we start this in our home when none of this exists and the kids are getting big?

Alhamdulillah, I gave it to you right now. Start from today, please. Start with your two rak'aat of salah and start your ta'leem — not tomorrow. You're motivated now. If you don't start today, you're not going to start tomorrow. "No one's at home, they're gone somewhere." It doesn't make a difference — you start yourself. Start your ta'leem yourself. Start your dhikr yourself. Start your du'a yourself.

And if you're local, I do a dars every single day in Ramadan, between Asr and Maghrib — 4:45 till Maghrib, only half an hour. Bring your wife and kids. Otherwise, live stream it — it's at the Masjid Diyas YouTube channel. If you feel awkward making du'a in front of your wife and kids, just tune in to my du'a 7–8 minutes before Maghrib and repeat it.

What if your spouse doesn't even pray?

Same thing. If you nag them to pray, they're not going to pray. Fada'il. Halaqa of ta'leem. That's it.

What should a wife do if she does everything to keep the family together but feels disregarded and overlooked by her husband?

Your husband doesn't realize what he's doing. He shouldn't be overlooking you and disregarding you. Same solution: ta'leem, dhikr, and du'a. MasjidDiyas.org — YouTube channel. How do I contact you? imam.azeem@gmail.com

Is a father's role only as a provider and protector? I'm struggling with my son praying salah and reciting Quran.

Of course not. The husband's role is so much more. Where do we learn the husband's role? From the du'a of Ibrahim, alayhi al-salam, in the Quran. Where Ibrahim alayhi al-salam makes so much du'a — yes, for sustenance, but above all for the hidayah of his children and the generations. That is the role of the dad: to be worried about the spiritual upbringing of his family.

Closing Du'a

I ask Allah to accept this session. I ask Allah to make this immensely beneficial for myself and all of us. I ask Allah to allow me to 100% implement any good advice that I shared — allow me to implement it, and allow you all to implement it. May Allah bring immense harmony in our homes. May Allah make our homes role models. And may Allah make us ambassadors of a powerful, sunnah-based, harmonious home so that through us, insha'Allah, thousands of other people's homes can also come right. May Allah allow us to improve our relationship with the Quran, whereby our relationship with the creation will also be improved.