How to deal with Difficult People | Jumuah Khutbah | Imam Nadim Bashir

Introduction

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. All praise is due to Allah. We praise Him and seek His help and forgiveness. And we seek refuge in Allah from the evil of our souls and from the evil of our deeds. Whomsoever Allah guides, none can misguide him. And whosoever He misguides, none can guide him. And we bear witness that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, the One and Only, no partner to Him. And we bear witness that Muhammad is His servant and Messenger.

Allah Almighty said after I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Satan:

O people, fear your Lord, Who created you from one soul, and created from it its mate. And He spread from it many men and women. And fear Allah in Whom you ask for mercy. Verily, Allah watches over you.

O you who believe, fear Allah as He should be feared. And you will not die except as Muslims.

O you who believe, fear Allah and speak the truth.

The Greatest Trial: Dealing with People

Brothers and sisters, one of the most difficult and hardest parts of life is not the difficulty or the hardship in itself. The most difficult thing that you and I, we endure in our life is something called people. In fact Rasulullah ﷺ on numerous occasions, he faced hunger, he faced loss, he faced pain. But perhaps the greatest trial for the Prophet ﷺ during his life was dealing with people's ignorance.

See SubhanAllah, many times when people go to a counselor, when people will go to a therapist because they are dealing with so many issues, or they may even go to the imam or the shaykh. 80% of that visit that takes place is all about talking about other people. What other people are doing to them. And that is what the crux of the issue is.

Today we find that there are so many people who have probably hurt you. They have probably said something to insult you. Instead of supporting you, they turned around and they betrayed your trust. There are some people who drain your energy on a daily basis. You wake up in the morning full of energy, but because you have to deal with these people mentally, psychologically, physically, you're drained by the end of the day.

So what do we do? Because this is a big issue that many of us are dealing with. Dealing with people's ignorance is the most difficult thing that many of us are facing today. So what do we do in a situation like this? Because we also find Rasulullah ﷺ in a similar situation. There was no Prophet, including the Prophet ﷺ, including even ulama who came later on, where they did not have to deal with people's ignorance. They have to always deal with people's ignorance.

So what did they do? What does Allah teach us in the Qur'an? What does the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ teach us? That is what we're here to learn today.

This Khutbah is About You

We're not here to learn about people and their toxicities, and their problems, and how they are such a cancer wherever they go. This khutbah, brothers and sisters, is about you. This khutbah is about how you can handle the situation. Because the problem, I've said this before, the problem is not that we have problems. The problem is we don't know how to solve our problems.

There's always gonna be problems in this dunya. Sometimes financially related, sometimes family related, sometimes spouse related, sometimes children related, sometimes society related. The problems are always gonna be there. In fact, if a person says, I want to live a problem-free life, there is no such thing called a problem-free life. There's only one place where we will not suffer any kind of challenges and problems. That place is called jannah. May Allah take us there, ameen ya rabbul alameen.

But this dunya is a place where there will be difficulties. And how do we respond to these kind of difficulties?

Types of Difficult People

1. Those with a Hurtful Tongue

The very first group of people that do exist out there are those who have what we call a hurtful tongue. These are people who will hurt you with their tongue. They will mock you, they will insult you, they will gossip behind you, they will never hold back in bringing you down. This is what they live on. They take pride in bringing you down to destroy your confidence, to destroy your dignity.

And this is something that we find even in the seerah of the Prophet ﷺ. When the people came, a man who's teaching people to do good, when he was attacked in society, and the labels that were created regarding him, that he is a sahir, he is a kadhib, he is a majnoon. These were the things, the names, the labels that were being spread in the community of the Prophet ﷺ.

And though you and I, we read the Qur'an and we read these verses, we just simply go over them. We pass over them. But can you imagine, brothers and sisters, that imagine living in a society where people are spreading labels about you. That you are a crazy person. You are a mentally insane person. You have a wife, you have a husband, you have children. What about your dignity? You feel that people are coming after my dignity.

Think about Rasulullah ﷺ. A man who was so well respected before he began to preach and give da'wah. And as soon as he starts giving da'wah, people began to call him a mentally insane person. People began to call him a liar. Those same people who trusted him, today they're calling him a liar. So you have these kind of people that do exist in our community. And you will come across these kind of people.

2. Those Who Betray Trust

Then you have the person, the second type of person that you will come across is the person who will betray your trust. You told someone about something that's going on in your life. You share some details with them. You shared a secret with them. And you trusted them with that information. Instead of coming to your aid, instead of coming to your support, when you are looking at them for their aid and their support, instead of that they betray you, and they insult you, and they bring you down. This is something brothers and sisters, it happens often.

Do we not remember the Prophet ﷺ when he was in Medina? Did he live around people who were always peaceful? People who were not trying to betray him? No. There were always people who were trying to betray Rasulullah ﷺ. A man who comes and he is on one hand telling people he is Rasulullah. You better believe in him. That same person, he is breaking the promises with the Prophet ﷺ. He is a person who is spreading rumors about the Prophet ﷺ.

In fact, he was the person who was instrumental and orchestrated the very well-known slander, the ifk against our mother, Aisha رضي الله عنها. And this person is none other than Abdullah bin Ubayy. And so this person on one hand, he is saying he is Rasulullah. But on the other hand, he would try to find every opportunity to betray the trust of the Prophet ﷺ. Brothers and sisters, you will come across those kind of people also, just like Rasulullah ﷺ.

3. The Arrogant Controllers

Then you have the people who are arrogant, and they love to control other people. These are people that whenever they have a chance, they will be arrogant towards you. They will belittle you. They will try to show that they are superior to you. And not only that, but then they will try to crush your identity. Whether it is a boss, whether it is someone in your family who has a lot of respect, someone who garners a lot of respect, and not only that but control in the family. It might be the eldest of all the brothers and all the sisters in the family. And they do these kind of things in a family.

But we have to always remember that this happened to the Prophet ﷺ also. When you have a person like Abu Jahl, who tried to find every opportunity to display his arrogance. And not only that but control and break the confidence of the Prophet ﷺ. But never did the Prophet ﷺ, he broke.

4. Hurtful Family Members

And then on the other hand, you might have some other family members for example. These are people that when they cause you pain, that pain cuts deeply brothers and sisters. And to heal from that wound does not take only just weeks and months. Sometimes it take years. It will take years to overcome that wound, to heal up that wound.

Because that's why Rasulullah ﷺ, he says in a hadith, that no one has been afflicted by their enemies as much as I have been afflicted. Why did he say that? While there were people who were brought earlier, as we have seen in other hadith. People who were sawed in half and things of that type. Why did the Prophet ﷺ say this? Because no other Prophet had to go through difficulties as much as the Prophet ﷺ had to go through difficulties when it came to his family.

It was his own family in many cases who betrayed that trust with Rasulullah ﷺ. It was his own family members, his own uncle, Abu Lahab. People who were close to him who tried to come and cause pain to the Prophet ﷺ. So brothers and sisters, don't ever feel that you will not be betrayed by your own family members. Or there will be no one in your family, or everyone's gonna be peaceful with you and your family. No, there's gonna be people in your family that you're gonna have to deal with. Such ignorant people you're gonna have to deal with. Just like Rasulullah ﷺ.

5. Complete Strangers

And then finally you have people who are absolutely strangers. Strangers, people who you don't even know. And they're acting ignorant with you. You're driving on the road, you did not do anything wrong. And someone just flicks you off. Just because you cut them off perhaps. Or perhaps there was an unintentional mistake. And someone does something to you. And they start hawking you, or they start tailing you, wherever you go. And they're tracking you wherever you go.

These are things that have happened even with Rasulullah ﷺ. When the Bedouin man came, a stranger, a stranger. He came and he pulled the cloak of the Prophet ﷺ. The Prophet ﷺ has no idea who this person is. But it's a stranger who's coming and doing something. An act of ignorance with Rasulullah ﷺ.

So you're gonna find all these different types of people in our society, in our families, in our communities. It's always gonna be there. The question is, when we come across these kind of people, what are the things? How do we respond in those kind of situations? Let's talk about that.

How to Respond: Control Your Emotions

The very first thing that we need to do when it comes to responding to these type of people, is that we learn how to control our emotions. See, there are a lot of things that trigger us. We go outside, it's a gloomy day. Right away it creates a bad mood within you. See, the weather in itself is called a stimulus. The way you are reacting is called a response.

You go somewhere, you see someone that you absolutely despise. You have been in a happy mood. Everything is great. You saw that one person and all of a sudden it has triggered a response. That person is a stimulus, the way you're acting is a response.

Allah is telling us in the Qur'an that when you come across these kind of people, do not let your response be that I'm going to act ignorant with them also. In fact, Allah is telling us that your response should be calm. Do not get excited. When someone acts with you in this way, control your emotions.

Because brothers and sisters, you know what is the sign of a strong person, and what is the sign of a weak person? If you have no control over your emotions, and other situations, people, things, events, places can trigger your response and you have no control over your emotions and how you respond, that's a sign of a weak person. But if you know how to control your emotions, that is a sign of a strong person. A person knows that no matter what, this person cannot get me angry, this place will not get me angry, this situation will not get me angry, I'm going to control my emotions.

Remaining Calm in the Face of Ignorance

And this is why, even in that same example as I gave earlier about that stranger man who came and he pulled on the cloak of the Prophet ﷺ, what did the Prophet ﷺ do? Did he get angry immediately? No, he remained calm in that kind of situation. And that was an example for the other Sahaba. So brothers and sisters, as Allah told us:

Simply walk away and say, السلام عليكم. There's no need to engage with these kind of people. So the very first thing that we need to do is, we need to learn how to control our emotions. Are we stronger? Or is our emotions stronger? Do I have control over my emotions? Or does my emotions have control over me? That's the question that we need to ask ourselves.

Understanding Different Perspectives

The second thing that we do when we come across ignorant people, or people who may do something which is considered as an act of ignorance, or they betray you and so forth. The second thing that we do is, we try to see the situation from their perspective. Give some حسن الظن. Try to understand their point of view.

There was a man, in the time of the Prophet ﷺ, a sahabi of the Prophet ﷺ. First of all, we all know that the sahaba, when it came to loyalty, there was no one who they were more loyal to than Rasulullah ﷺ. They will not do anything to hurt the Prophet ﷺ. But there was one companion, in order to protect his family, he shared some intelligence with the Quraysh. This person was Hatib ibn Abi Balta'ah.

Now when the Prophet ﷺ was informed via وحي, that this sahabi of yours has shared some intelligence, some information that is only privy to you, O Rasulullah ﷺ, he has shared that with the Quraysh, the Prophet ﷺ called him. Now at that time, you had some sahaba رضي الله عنهم, who were extremely upset. In fact, some of them even told the Prophet ﷺ, that, ya Rasulullah, let's just take care of this person right now.

But the Prophet ﷺ, he felt betrayed for a moment, but he wanted to understand his point of view. And he asked him, O Hatib, why did you do this? And he says, ya Rasulullah, I have family in Makkah. Family is family at the end of the day. And I got to care about them. And I love them. And I don't want anything to happen to them. But they're sitting amongst the Quraysh. The Quraysh can do whatever they want to do any day at any time, without even me knowing. I'm just looking after my family, ya Rasulullah. The Prophet ﷺ understood. He never got upset.

So many times when we go through these kind of situations, sometimes you just have to take a step back, keep yourself calm, and ask yourself that what are they going through. Sometimes someone may come to you and get so upset with you. And they may yell at you, and may scream at you. But sometimes if you take a step back, and you try to understand their situation, where they're coming from, perhaps they have been building up, their emotions have been building up, and you came at the wrong time in front of them, and everything that they have been going through, it all came out on you. It happens. Sometimes you just have to take a step back, and try to understand their situation. And والله, when you sit there, and you give them your time, and you try to understand their situation, والله, they will respect you for this.

So this is the second thing that we learn, we also learn this from the Prophet ﷺ, that always give حسن الظن, and try to understand people's perspective.

Responding in a Better Way

The third thing that we can do when it comes to dealing with people's ignorances, is that always try to respond in a better way. Allah says:

If someone does something to you, an act of ignorance, if you on the other hand say that, you know what, you did this to me, I'm gonna do the same thing back to you. Now the Quran has said:

If someone does something wrong to you, you have a right, Islamically speaking, to do the same thing back to them at the same amount. But Allah, first of all He says, that what they did to you was wrong. But if you do the same thing to them, it is still considered as wrong, though you do have a right. But He says, سَيِّئَةٌ مِثْلُهَا He still refer to it as a سَيِّئَة.

But then on the other hand Allah says, what is the better course of action? How can you show that you are a better person? How can you show that you are the bigger man?

To forgive and let it go. I'm not saying, please don't misunderstand me when I say, because people say forgive and forget. You cannot forget. There's a lot of things that we cannot ever forget. We're not a computer, where you can just delete information, put it in a trash bin, and just delete that trash bin. It doesn't work like that. Sometimes there are scars that live with us for the rest of our life. Though we may say سلام to that same person, but there are scars that we live with, all of our life.

The point is brothers and sisters, is that when that situation happens, in that particular situation, respond in a better way. If you do it the same way, you are showing that you were as ignorant as that person. When the Prophet ﷺ went to Ta'if, we all know what happened in Ta'if. What did the Prophet ﷺ do? If he wanted, brothers and sisters, he could have taken revenge from the people of Ta'if. But he said that, no, I will not take revenge from these people. If he wanted, he could have crushed them. But he chose not to. He chose to deal, and he chose to respond in a better way.

So that is why, when someone does something to you, learn how to take a step back, and try to think. Because a lot of times when someone does something, we become emotional, and when you are emotionally compromised, you can't think. That's why the best thing that we learn from the Prophet ﷺ is, when you are angry and you are standing up, sit down. When the Prophet ﷺ, when he is sitting down, and he is getting angry, he would lie down. These are things that we learn. So this is how we control our emotions.

Creating Boundaries

The fourth thing that we need to do when it comes to dealing with people's ignorance, is that we try to create certain boundaries. Look, brothers and sisters, listen to me very carefully when I say this. The Prophet ﷺ was very forgiving, but that did not make him non-vigilant. He was forgiving, but he was always vigilant. He was smart. He was aware of his surroundings.

If you know that there is a particular person who has acted with you in an ignorant way over and over again, why go and be around that person? If you know that you have received an invitation to a certain place, where at that place, people are gonna be there, and there are certain people are gonna be there who have acted ignorant with you on many occasions. Now one person, he will say that, you know what, I won't stay away. I will go to that invitation because I want to show how strong I am. That is one perspective. And you should go. And you should not be around those people because you don't have to be around those people. You can sit anywhere at that venue. Do that, but stay away from the people who have acted with you in an ignorant way. Why go back to those people over and over again?

There are some people who don't have a thick skin. So when they write something on social media, they even put a comment on social media, or they have provided their own opinion on social media. And then after that, there are so many people who are responding to you that that does not make any sense. Your opinion does not make any sense. What you're saying is absolutely dumb. And they're saying all these kind of things. And you feel so offended.

Then don't go back on social media and comment and post about these kind of things. Because والله brothers and sisters, if there is one place on the faceless earth that has given the most dumbest people a platform to share their opinion, it's called social media. It's called social media. Where you'll find the people with the lowest IQ getting on social media and sharing their opinion. And then people sitting here on the other side, and they're so offended by their ignorance. Why even go, and why even read about people's comments if people's comments offend you so much? Let it go. Stay away from it.

The point is, stay away from those kind of people and places where people can trigger you. Or people are there are ignorant. Stay away from those kind of places.

Seeking Allah's Aid

The fifth thing, and the last thing which is, that in these kind of situations, when people are acting ignorant with us, in these kind of situations, always ask Allah for His aid. Ask Allah for His forgiveness. Ask Allah for His help.

Rasulullah ﷺ, every single day, he would pray tahajjud. Why would he pray tahajjud? First of all is to connect with Allah عز وجل. But the second reason was because this was a time he was able to regain his strength. All day long, whether it was in Mecca, whether it was in Medina, he had to deal with people's ignorance. That time of the day where he was able to recharge and connect with Allah was in the middle of the night or right before Fajr, at the time of tahajjud.

So when we are going through those kind of similar situations, when we're coming across all these different types of people, one of the best things that we can do is to spiritually connect with Allah عز وجل. Wake up in the middle of the night, pray tahajjud, connect with Allah through qiyam ul-layl, and make a sincere du'a to Allah that He gives us the courage, the strength, and the ability to deal with these kind of difficulties in our life.

I ask Allah that He continuously protects us. May Allah make our hearts bigger. May Allah make us stronger. And may Allah make us from amongst those that whenever we are faced with difficulties, may Allah give us the strength to overcome those difficulties.

Three Powerful Du'as for Dealing with Difficulties

Due to time, there is not so much I can cover. However, I do want to share with you just three du'as that we have learned from the Quran and from the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ when it comes to gaining strength from Allah and how to overcome people's difficulties or people's ignorance.

The very first one is:

This is mentioned in Surah Al-Baqarah, which means that Ya Allah grant us صبر when there are difficulties وَثَبِّتْ أَقْدَامَنَا and make our feet firm وَانْصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكَافِرِينَ and give us ability to overcome those who don't believe in Allah.

The second du'a is a du'a of the Prophet ﷺ which is mentioned in Sahih al-Bukhari, which is:

(Sahih al-Bukhari)

O Allah protect me from them however you will. So this is also a very important du'a, a very simple, short and sweet du'a اللَّهُمَّ اكْفِنِيهِمْ بِمَا شِئْتَ

And the last du'a that I will share with you. A du'a that you and I should be reciting every single time we leave our home:

Or I am the victim of someone else's ignorance. So these are du'as that we have learned from the Quran and from the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ. May Allah grant us strength, may Allah grant us a clean heart, and may Allah grant us the ability to overcome our difficulties in the prophetic way.

أَقِيمُوا الصَّلَاةَ

Straighten the lines, fill in the gaps. Straighten the lines, fill in the gaps.

أستغفر الله