Tarbiyah and Fatherhood | Imam Nadim Bashir | Jumuah Khutbah | EPIC Masjid

Opening Du'as and Announcements

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. There's a few requests for du'as and number one is a sister of our community, sister Sobia Sidiqi. She has sent me a message that her six-year-old daughter Arwa will be getting a pacemaker put into her heart as we ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. The surgery is coming up soon. We ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to make a successful surgery, a procedure. And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala grant her aafiyah and may Allah give her a long life, ameen rabb al alameen.

Number two is there is a brother, a young brother of our community. He's only 28 years old and he had a brain surgery and he's in critical care after that surgery. We ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to grant this young man shifa. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala make it easy for him and his family and may Allah give him a long life with aafiyah, ameen rabb al alameen.

JazakumAllahu khair.

Introduction: True Achievement in Islam

Brothers and sisters, when we talk about things that are considered as achievements in life, people think that acquiring a mass amount of wealth is considered as an achievement. Some people will say that my reputation is a sign of my achievement. Some people will say that I have built careers, I have built companies and businesses, and hence this is my achievement.

However, when we read the Qur'an and when we study the Qur'an, achievements are not based on what we have. Achievements are based on those things that either have benefits or consequences. If you do something that benefits people, that is considered as an achievement. If you do something that becomes a burden for you on the Day of Judgment, if it becomes a burden for our family on the Day of Judgment, then that is not necessarily considered as an achievement.

That is why in Surah Al-Kahf Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

That good things that are long lasting, good noble things that are long lasting - الباقيات الصالحات خير عند ربك - this is more better for you in the eyes of Allah azza wa jal as a reward and as something that you can hang your hopes on.

The Hadith of Lasting Good Deeds

I want to talk about something that is a very serious issue when it comes to our children today. And during this khutbah I want to make a disclaimer, and the disclaimer is that I will not mince my words when it comes to this topic and this subject matter, because we have so many serious issues when it comes to raising our children and we take them extremely lightly.

When Rasulullah ﷺ talked about sadaqah jariyah, when he talked about achievements, one of the hadith that often comes up is the hadith where the Prophet ﷺ says:

(Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1631)

When a person passes away, everything that they have done, all their book of deeds has been closed, except for three things that remain continuous. Number one: صدقة جارية - you give an ongoing charity. For example, a person digs up a well, it lasts for a certain period of time, and a person passes away. That is considered as sadaqah jariyah. Number two is أَوْعِلْمٌ يُنْتَفَعُ بِهِ - knowledge that people are benefiting from.

And in reality, majority of the Muslim community do not fall into these two first categories. Many times people do not have the opportunity to do a sadaqah jariyah. Majority of the people are not engaged in teaching and learning. But the third category is where 99% of our Muslim community, especially our parents, will fall into this category. And he says alaihi as-salam: أَوْوَلَدٌ صَالِحٌ يَدْعُولَهُ - a righteous child who will make du'a for you.

Children as an Amanah (Trust)

You see, Rasulullah ﷺ is making something very clear to all of us. Having a child in itself is not the achievement. You know when you hear someone is about to expect a child or mubarak? Yes, mubarak in a certain degree. But what comes after that mubarak? The responsibility, the sacrifices that come after that - that is what we will be questioned about on the Day of Judgment.

وَلَدٌ صَالِحٌ - Rasulullah ﷺ is saying that first of all, the responsibility of the parent is to make sure and ensure that they are righteous. And not only that, but there comes action after that. Because brothers and sisters, the reason why Rasulullah ﷺ said يَدْعُولَهُ - he brought action after having a child - is because what that child will do will either determine whether those children are going to be a means of our entry into Jannah, or they will become a burden for us on the Day of Judgment.

Just having a child is not the end of the chapter. The story has just begun when you bring children into this dunya. Why do you think Rasulullah ﷺ said:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 853)

Every single shepherd is responsible for their flock.

I ask you, think about it logically. If there was an employer who hired an employee, and that employee is a shepherd, and he tells him that you have to take out my sheep, my flock out every single morning, make sure you feed them, make sure you bring them back by sunset. And one day a wolf comes around and devours a sheep. At the end of the day, that person is responsible in front of their employer. When you don't perform well at work, you are responsible in front of your employer.

Likewise, when Allah has given us children, and children are considered as amanah. You know what amanah means? It's a trust. Means that I gave you something and I expect you - this is Allah talking to all of us - He expects us to handle and to treat that amana the way it is to be treated and handled. Children are an amana, and if we don't raise our children correctly, most certainly we will be held accountable for this on the Day of Judgment, and they can become a burden for us on the Day of Judgment.

Four Important Points in Tarbiyah

That is why in this khutbah, the remaining khutbah I want to share with you four important points insha'Allah. Four important points when it comes to the tarbiyah of our children where you and I, majority of us, are lacking in.

Point Number One: Tarbiyah Begins from Birth

When it comes to tarbiyah, brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers: tarbiyah does not begin at the age of five. Tarbiyah does not begin at the age of ten. Tarbiyah begins from the time they come into this dunya. Tarbiyah begins when they come into this dunya.

When a child sees, what they do is that they absorb. They see, they internalize everything around them. Go back to the hadith of Rasulullah ﷺ, a hadith that you and I we have heard so many times, that when a child becomes seven years old, instruct them to pray salat. Why is the Prophet ﷺ saying at the age of seven? Because by now, by the age of seven, they have already began to absorb and internalize their surrounding.

Mama is praying every single day five times a day. She's making wudu, she's putting on her hijab, and she's putting down her prayer rug and she is praying. The child is watching and absorbing. The child sees that dad is going every single day to the masjid. He's putting on his clothes, he's putting on his cap, and he's going to the masjid. Every single day he sees this, she sees this. Obviously when the foundation has been laid, they are seeing this on a daily basis, now when you tell them to pray salat, insha'Allah now they will be ready to pray salat because the foundation has been laid. Now you're telling them what to do.

But if the foundation has not been laid, then there is no way you can instruct them. And this doesn't go only for salat. This goes for everything in life. You want anything for your children to do, you have to teach them and you have to set yourself as an example every single time.

So many times our children, they learn from our parents. When they see dad gets on the phone and every single time he gets on the phone, he'll make up some lies. Yet we turn around and we tell our own children that's haram. Always speak the truth. But yet when they see dad, dad is always lying on the phone. Mama goes outside dressed as she wishes, violating all the Islamic rules, not wearing the hijab. But then when time comes, you need to wear the hijab. But you have not been wearing it. How do you teach a child when you have not set the example?

When it comes to young children, we need to teach them akhlaq and adab. Akhlaq is the internal character. Being truthful is a form of akhlaq. Being humble is a form of akhlaq. Being patient in the times of adversity is a form of akhlaq. The akhlaq is the roots, and the fruits that grow on that tree, that's your adab. Your adab is what you show outside - how you talk to your parents, how you talk to strangers, how you conduct yourself at the masjid. This is all called adab.

But we don't teach our kids these kind of things, because I've talked about this in another khutbah - that we are so obsessed about teaching them the 99 names of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. We are so obsessed about teaching them how to read the Qur'an. Before the Qur'an comes adab and akhlaq. Read the Qur'an, study the entire Qur'an, memorize the entire Qur'an. How many people do we have in the world today who have memorized the entire Qur'an, but when you look at their mannerisms, their mannerisms is far from the Qur'an. Their akhlaq is far from the Qur'an. How did they become like this? They became like this because as parents, we did not do our job well enough to teach them the importance of akhlaq and adab.

Kids are kids at the end of the day. They will mess up. But every single time that opportunity comes, it becomes our job to teach them, which brings me to point number two.

Point Number Two: The Importance of Discipline

Point number two, brothers and sisters, is about discipline. So many times discipline does not only mean that when they do something that is wrong, you teach them a lesson. No. Teaching them things in life is also part of discipline.

You may have seen a video that circulated on social media some time ago where a U.S. Army or a Navy, a leader of the U.S. Navy said: your day begins when you make your bed. The very first thing when you wake up in the morning is to make your bed. How many of us we teach our children: when you wake up in the morning, you make your bed? Yes, I understand on the days of school they're in a rush, everyone's trying to get out, there's sort of pandemonium, there's chaos in the house. I understand that. But on the weekends, you teach them: clean up your room.

But no, mama goes every single day and she cleans up the room. Then you have teenage children. They will come, they will bring a bowl of cereal inside their room, they will bring a plate of food inside their room, and they don't even have the simple decency, the simple decency to take that food and that plate downstairs. That cereal, that milk that's left in there, that food that's left on the plate, it starts to grow mold. And yet you don't have the parents coming around and saying this is incorrect. They don't ever set boundaries. They don't ever set - there's no accountability. But why?

The Foundation of Love and Discipline

Because this is love. And I'm telling you as parents that if you don't teach your children discipline, if you don't have any boundaries in your house, there is no accountability in your house, then you're teaching your child that everything is absolutely okay. You don't have to do anything because there is no boundary, there is no accountability.

By the way, even this same theory comes now in terms of our deen also. "Oh don't talk about Jahannam, don't talk about Jahannam because Allah is loving brother, sister. Only talk about things that Allah loves." Yeah, go ahead and commit a sin, commit as many sins as you want, Allah still loves.

By the way, that's a Christian concept. That's a Christian concept. Do whatever you want, Jesus loves you, you're going to heaven. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is about consequences also. Allah is about loving, He's also about consequences.

There's always consequences. Because how can you have life without any consequences? That means that it would be absolutely okay if the speed limit says 40 and I'm driving 60 and I get pulled over by the cops. "Well don't you love me?" Yeah, let's see how that excuse and that explanation goes. Let me know later.

The Importance of Boundaries and Accountability

But there's always consequences. If you don't create boundaries, brothers and sisters, you don't create accountability. Without accountability, your Tarbiyah is incomplete. When children are not corrected, when our youth, teenagers are not corrected for the wrong that they're doing, how will they be raised? What will they do in the future?

I met a school teacher one time. Let me explain this to you. I met a school teacher one time. She was telling me that a child was suspended from the school due to their behavior. Now proper parenting, proper accountability and proper boundaries tells you that if your child is suspended from school, you don't bring them home and give them pat on the back. You take away their privileges. You take away their privileges. You've been suspended for two days. No friends, no TV, no phone, no nothing. You don't get any privileges. That's proper parenting.

Part of proper parenting is also that you sit your child down and you ask them, "You tell me what you have done wrong." It's like you know when I was teaching one time at an Islamic school, there was one child who was always at the principal's office. Always at the principal's office. And one day I decided to just - I was standing there and asked him, "Do you know what you did wrong? Do you know what you did wrong?" And he goes, "Yeah I know what I was doing wrong." And I said that, "No, just don't tell me what it is. Tell me exactly what you did wrong." And that child did not even know what they did wrong. Until you have to teach them. Sometimes they know, sometimes they don't know.

A Case Study in Poor Parenting

This child got suspended from school - the first one I'm talking about, the earlier one. He got suspended from school. He went home. Found out after suspension because the child came back unchanged. Nothing happened to that child. Found out because the father - because the father said, "I'm so busy with my work, I cannot give you the time. So my dear son, because of the fact that you were suspended, I need to keep you busy somehow, someway. Let me go and buy you a video game and you can play this video game all day long. And in the evening when I come back, we will have a conversation."

This is a true story. True story. Now I ask you as a parent, you have failed at your responsibility by sitting there and allowing your child to play video games. You think that child is gonna understand what is right and wrong? No, they're gonna come back to school because they will realize that I have such an amazing father, such a mashallah busy father. And father doing what?

The Excuse of Financial Provision

Today all fathers, majority of the fathers who don't do the Tarbiyah of their children. Why? "Because I am bringing money to the house." Like what do you want? You want a medal for that? Like you want a cookie for that? Like that's your job. Bringing money, financially providing for your family - money is your job. Don't sit there and say that as if you want an accolade for bringing money to your family.

That's your job. That's like a person saying that I want Allah to give me Jannah because I just prayed five times daily salat. That's your job. It's like when you go to work, you tell your employer, "I want a bonus." "Why do you want a bonus?" "Because I did my job." No, you don't get a bonus because of your job. That's the thing that we have to do whether we like it or not.

So because men in so many cases believe that because I'm bringing money to the table, I don't have any share in bringing up my children. I don't have to educate my children. I don't have - yes, I'll give them money for the education of my children, but as far as Tarbiyah is concerned, this is only the mother's responsibility.

Breaking the Cultural Baggage

By the way, that is a back home mentality. That is a Middle Eastern and subcontinent theory. Because majority of us, and I say this without any doubt, the majority of us who were raised overseas, this is how you were raised. Father was never in the picture. Mom did every single thing. And now we take that same concept - children from overseas, we bring that same baggage over here.

Not realizing that fathers, when your son is born, it is their job of the mother to make them from babies to boys, and it becomes your job to make them into men. That's your job. Your job is not only to make money. Your job is also to provide Tarbiyah to your children too.

Shared Religious Responsibility

The third important point is when it comes to - as I just alluded to - when it comes to Tarbiyah, this becomes both responsibilities. What we're seeing in many families is that the father does not want to pray salat, for example. The father does not pray salat. Because why? "I earn money." It's like the get out of jail free card. Every single thing - there's no crime because I make money.

So the father does not pray salat. The father does not go to the masjid. Mother is working extremely hard to ensure that the children are connected to the deen. So she is trying to bring them to the masjid. But every single time they want to come to the masjid, the father steps in. "Oh why?" Because again, children are children, right? You want to take your children to the masjid, they might be having fun at home. "Now we have to go to the masjid? Oh man, why do we have to go to the masjid? It's so boring there." Right? "I want to do this, I want to keep on doing this."

Now the father steps in. Instead of him - he doesn't want to go to the masjid, but instead of pushing his children that you know what? "I'm not going to masjid, at least you go to the masjid." No, no, no. He doesn't want to go to the masjid. He has lost his hope. He doesn't want to come to the masjid. But then I don't want to stop - I want to stop my wife from bringing the children to the masjid.

And if this is the case of your household, then respectfully, if you are stopping your wife from making your children religious, then just step aside. Just step aside for a moment. You keep on bringing the money, but when it comes to the religious Tarbiyah, then leave that to your wife then. Like you don't want to do it, but you don't want other people to do it in your family. That just goes to show you how much insecure you are.

Again, as I said before, I'm not going to mince my words in this khutbah. I'm a straight shooter. I don't sugar coat things.

Raising Future Spouses

The fourth thing I want to bring your attention to is that brothers and sisters, when it comes to raising children, we need to understand - or let me say it this way first. You know I handled many divorces unfortunately. Divorces are on the rise in our community. So many times the reason for divorces are such that - let me give you a few examples.

The husband does not want to take any responsibility inside the house. Where do you think that came from? You think they were just wired like that from day one? No. Because at home, dad probably never did anything. Okay? And the son did whatever he wanted. As I said, right? Because in many of our families, if the daughter goes out, she has to be back by maghrib time. Our kids can come back 3 o'clock in the morning because they are Jibreel (peace be upon him), right?

So what happens is that, you know, they see these kind of things happening in their family. When they become married and they're sitting there playing video games - it's a father, for God's sake. A father. He's playing video games 4 hours a day. Like if you are not ready to get married, don't get married. Right? Don't get married.

But we need to realize that when we are raising our children, we're not just raising a son. Think about this from now on. When you're raising your son, you're not raising your son. You're raising a husband for another woman. When you're raising your daughter, you're raising a wife for a future husband.

Now when you see, especially husbands, they cannot control themselves emotionally. They want to play video games for such a long time. They don't want to take any accountability for anything wrong that they have done. Where do you think that came from? It came from their Tarbiyah. It came from the way they were raised. Again, they were not wired this way.

The Cycle of Strong Communities

So this again comes - if we want to protect our future generations, it starts from now, from Tarbiyah now. Weak Tarbiyah is going to lead to weak individuals. Strong Tarbiyah leads to strong individuals. Strong individuals leads to strong, stable homes. Strong, stable homes leads to strong societies. And strong societies will create and develop strong individuals. It's a cycle.

But when we are raising our children the way we are raising them - no accountability, do whatever you want, no discipline, no Tarbiyah, no akhlaq, no adab, father doesn't care about their deen because again, "I just make money," right? "That's all it is?" Then guess what? You are raising a horrible husband for the future.

Every single time when these cases they come to me and I look at the man and I ask myself, "Why is it like this?" Majority of time is because the way they were raised. The way they were raised. So if we want to protect our future generations, it starts now.

The Responsibility Cannot Be Outsourced

One is education. One is masajid. Like we always hear, right? "Build a masjid, we need to protect our generations." Yes, masajid will help to protect our generations. But the most amount of work comes from home. The major bulk.

Sending your kids to Islamic school will not solve your problems. How many times I see children going to Islamic schools, their akhlaq and their adab and their mannerisms are suffering. And parents think that Islamic schools is like a magical pill. Alright? If you have a rotten apple, just go put them in Islamic school and abracadabra, they will come out as a Sahabi. Right? That's not the way it works.

Your work at home is the most important thing. We don't want to do anything at home unfortunately, and we will pay money to let other people do our responsibility, take care of our responsibility. And guess what? On the Day of Judgment, it's you and I whose necks are going to be on the line on the Day of Judgment. Not the Islamic school. Not the masjid. Not the Imam. Not the Shaykh. Not anyone at the masjid. It's our neck on the Day of Judgment.

We talk about the upcoming generation. You want to protect the upcoming generation? Raise a good husband in your house. You want to protect the next generation?