Making People Feel Loved | Mufti Abdul Wahab Waheed with @OnePathNetwork

Feeling Love Without Words

If we can gauge grief without someone saying they're sad, if we can gauge happiness without someone saying they're happy, do you not think we can gauge love without someone saying that we love them? They can feel it, and if we don't have it, we cannot provide it. And that source of love must come from an everlasting place.

Imam al-Ghazali says this — he says if we connect our joy and love to a temporary source, that effect will also be temporal. So work, family, even family, because everyone has to leave. It has to come from an everlasting source for it to be everlasting, and that source is only Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. They have to be able to feel it.

The Prophet ﷺ and Making People Feel Beloved

In the Sira, we only find two times the Prophet ﷺ actually told people that he loves them, from the men. One was Zaid ibn Haritha, and one was Mu'adh ibn Jabal. He actually told them that I love you.

But every single person felt that they were more beloved to the Prophet ﷺ than the person sitting next to them. And this can be found in the story of Amr ibn al-'As, who his entire life was actually fighting against the Prophet ﷺ. As one of the leaders of Quraysh, he was actually sent to Habesha to pull the Muslims back when they went for migration in the fifth year of Nubuwwah. His entire life he's opposed — and he became Muslim in the sixth to seventh year of Hijrah.

So he only lived as a Muslim for two to three years of the Prophet's ﷺ life. So he's only there for a little while. And this narration takes place a few months after he becomes Muslim. So you can imagine where he's coming from.

He's a new person. He's not only a new person, he's a person that was actually on the opposite end for the longest time. Extreme opposite. And when they start talking about who the Prophet ﷺ loves the most, he's like, "The Prophet ﷺ loves me more than all you guys."

"You just became Muslim. What do you mean?" "If you don't believe me, I'm confident enough to ask." A lot of times we can make claims, but we're not confident enough to verify them. He was so confident. He was ready to put his respect on the line.

And he went and he asked the Prophet ﷺ:

"Who is the most beloved of people to you, O Messenger of Allah?"

And the Prophet ﷺ says, "Aisha." And Amr — being very smart — says, رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهَا, "Your mother Aisha, yes, we know that. مِنَ الرِّجَال — from the men. We're not going to compete with your wife or your spouse." From the men, who do you love the most?

He says, أَبُوهَا — "Her father." And even that, he referred to her — he didn't say أَبُو بَكْر, he said أَبُوهَا. It's back to her. Her father. Abu Bakr — he is who he is. Who's after that? عُمَر. Then who? Then عُثْمَان.

Then he said, "I stopped asking." رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُم. "Because I felt bad. If I keep asking, I may come up next. Because the Prophet ﷺ is not going to lie — he will joke, but he won't lie."

But the fact that Amr could feel that way — without the Prophet ﷺ ever telling him "I love you" — shows you how much people can feel loved just by our presence, without us having to say much. A lot of times we'll say all the words, but the person will still not feel loved. That comes from our relationship with Allah.

We build our relationship with Allah not only for ourselves. We build it for others. It's not a selfish relationship. It's actually a relationship that should be giving to others.

Holding Together for the Sake of Allah

Love is definitely one of the foundation blocks for building a community, an inclusive community. At the same time, it has to be tied back to Allah, as we read in the Quran:

Hold together — all of you — to the rope of Allah. And do not divide. Everyone hold together, love one another, but don't divide.

Disagreement Without Division — The Example of the Scholars

He would have these debates with people and after the debate, he would come to the person and say, "Hey, wanna go have some lunch?" And the guy's like, "You just slammed me openly — you wanna have lunch with me?" Can we not still be friends and disagree? It's okay, it's not a big deal.

There's a story — and it may be worth verifying — that Imam al-Shafi'i had a big debate with someone, and then he knocked on the door of that person's house. They asked, "Who's at the door?" He said, "Muhammad ibn Idris." The man thought of everyone named Muhammad ibn Idris and couldn't think of anyone — until it dawned on him: it was actually Imam al-Shafi'i at his door. And Imam al-Shafi'i tells him: "We agree on 99 out of 100 things — are we going to break our relationship over one?"

Imam Abu Hanifa and the Purpose of Debate

Imam Abu Hanifa's rahimullah journey to knowledge began with debating. His first area of knowledge was aqeedah. And then after that he went into fiqh. His son also started debating. One day his father says to him, "Why are you debating people?" — within the Muslims, obviously, within fiqhi differences and so on.

The son replied, "Oh father, you used to debate as well. Why are you beating me up for it? I'm just doing what you did." And Imam Abu Hanifa said: "There was a fundamental difference. When we used to debate, we would make du'a before going into the debate — 'O Allah, make our brother or sister not falter and make a mistake.' But you all, when you debate, you're just waiting for the other person to slip so you can jump on them."

When Imam al-Shafi'i was going to that person's house after he had thoroughly refuted him — out of love, still showing him respect — that person felt valid. That person still felt okay with his opinion. He was alright.

For us, the moment we get the upper hand on someone — and it won't even mean something worth arguing about, it can be something about cars or sports, something so mundane and irrelevant — we're going to hold that to our grave. "I told you I was right." And all of us youngsters are culprits of this.

What Brotherhood Actually Means

In today's day and age, rampant with cancel culture, no respect for scholarship, calling out this person, calling out that person — that's where all faults begin. It's the misuse of your tongue. The most minute of differences are enough to hold grudges over.

This really speaks volumes of what brotherhood actually means. If your idea of brotherhood is that we have to agree on 100% of things, you will have no brothers left. You won't have your own brothers. You won't even have your own brothers.