Three Key Steps to Embracing True Humanity | Mufti Abdul Wahab Waheed

Three Key Steps to Embracing True Humanity

An insan can only become an insan through these three steps.

Step One: Educate Yourself About Allah

Number one, the first revelation, which is:

That first of all, in order for you to build a relationship with people, you must understand who I am. I am Allah. And Allah says, first educate yourself about Me. Many a times this verse is used, justifiably so, to encourage education, which is fine. But the true essence of the verse is not simply to encourage education.

It's اقْرَأْ بِاسْمِ رَبِّكَ الَّذِي خَلَقَ — it's education about who Allah is. The reality of this life. The reality of the akhira. It's not simply about, I want to learn something, Allah told me to learn. اقْرَأْ is not just "learn." اقْرَأْ is read about who Allah is. Read about the favors of Allah.

Step Two: Isolate Yourself in Worship and Build Your Relationship with Allah

Once a person educates himself about Allah, the second component of building yourself is:

That now you spend time building yourself up, and you isolate yourself, in tahajjud, making dua, as the Prophet of Allah ﷺ did — that he would spend half of his time, which was his night, in isolation. Spending time with Allah, building that relationship, fortifying that relationship.

Step Three: Stand Up and Serve People

And the third component was:

Now you stand up, and you spend time with people.

A lot of times we have one of the two. We have an extreme level of assimilation, without any sense of isolation, which then removes any aspect of who we are. We assimilate to a point that we're just like everyone else, which is not the goal. We don't wish to stick out like a sore thumb, but at the same time, we don't wish to just move with the water.

Three Stages of Iman: Milk, Butter, and Oil

My father gave me an example the other day about a great scholar by the name of Haji Abdul Hafidh, where he said, when a person wants to spend time with people, their iman has to be fortified through قُمِ اللَّيْلَ إِلَّا قَلِيلًا — like they have to have some strength in their iman, so they can impact people. Or else, they're with people, but they're being affected by them.

In every level, in every moment of our life, we're either a caller or we're being called to towards something else. Either we're a داعي or we are a مدعوٌّ. So he said that our iman can be in one of three stages. And insha'Allah we remember this.

First Stage: Milk

The first is our iman is like milk. What happens with milk when it's thrown inside of a body of water? Within a few seconds, it completely washes away. A few seconds later if someone walks by, they won't be able to tell you there was milk there, because it's completely washed away.

Sometimes due to our lack of a relationship with Allah, our assimilation becomes that way. We're not even existent. We're present but non-existent. Where Hassan Ibn Mas'ud rahimahullah would say:

"Why do I see people present but they're not really existing? Their impact isn't felt, their presence isn't really felt. I hear whispers, a hasis — I hear people talking, but I hear voices. But I don't hear meanings. I don't really take anything from it because everyone is just talking. Everyone's writing a blog, everyone's commenting on something. Hasis — there's a lot of noise but no movement."

So the first is like milk because we assimilated without building a relationship with Allah.

Second Stage: Butter (Ghee)

Number two is like — in Urdu they say ghee — which is butter. Now you throw a block of butter in the water, what happens? For a little while, it stays there. It exists, it's present for a little while. And then a harsh wave comes in, it completely tears it apart. And now it isn't there anymore. A few moments later someone walks by, they can't even tell that someone was there.

Third Stage: Oil

And the third example of the impact that iman has in a person when they are cultivating relationships — because the reality in life is everyone cultivates relationships where they can benefit, or everyone cultivates relationships when they have something bigger to work towards. So for example, I can be working for IBM or Apple, and I'll build a relationship with you just because I want to sell something to you. But my relationship with you doesn't really matter — your relationship with my company matters. And therefore, no one remembers the name of the salesman, but everyone remembers the name of the company.

And what's happening to us today is because we've often found ourselves so busy that we're always trying to sell ourselves, that people remember our names but they don't remember the name of what our deen is all about. And this is the biggest difference between a داعي and a مقرِّر.

A da'i and a muqarrir both translate as "speaker." A da'i is a caller, and a muqarrir is a lecturer or speaker. A muqarrir is a person — as Mawlana Rāshid Kashmiri rahimahullah comments on this — a muqarrir is a person that when they speak and they leave, may Allah protect us from being amongst those types of people, they'll leave and people will say, "Wow, that was such a beautiful session. It was impactful. It touched me in the right place." And then if you ask that person, "What was it about?" — "It touched you so much, it was so impactful, it was so tantalizing." And the person says, "I don't know, man, but it was really cool." And you remember the person's name though. "That person was great though." That's a muqarrir.

And a da'i — and every single one of us is a da'i, because all of us can call towards Allah — a da'i is a person that when you leave that gathering, a person will say, "Man, I don't remember that person's name, but they really made me love Allah." Like a salesman: "I don't remember that person's name, but he or she made me buy an Apple Watch. I love Apple now." I love Allah now. Because they're not selling themselves — they're trying to sell their brand.

And when we get caught up on people liking us, so we change the way we dress, we change the way we meet people, we change our names, we change the way we pronounce our names, we change the way we pray, we change the way that we don't wanna pray — that means we're attempting to sell ourselves. We don't care if people truly like us or not, because we're flawed creation, and it's a very difficult sell. But an easy sell is to make someone love Allah, because He's beyond any imperfection.

So قُمْ فَأَنذِرْ happens. The third one was oil. What happens with oil? You throw it in the harshest waves, and the oil will never lose its properties. It will stay within the body of water, keeping its properties, and not flow away, but still exist. That's us. That's our iman. That's our قُمْ فَأَنذِرْ.

We don't simply stand in the streets and say that we're activists without Allah's isolation. And we don't simply stand at night with isolation and not stand in the streets to help people that need help. That help is only impactful through our relationship with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

So insan is a mixture of these three things. And once we have this, we become human beings and we can connect.

The Human Need for Relationships

Therefore, when the first human being was created in Adam, he was created simultaneously with Hawwah. Because in order for us to survive as humans, we need relationships. You remove the beloved relationship from our life, it does create anxiety. It does create sadness. It creates remorse. And that's the nature of a human being. To hope that a person doesn't become sad when a human is taken away from them is illogical.

Even Ya'qub alayhis salam cried till his eyes went white, meaning he went blind. The Prophet of Allah ﷺ, years later, passes by the grave of his mother in Abwa. And he slips away from the sahabas. And he goes to the grave of his mother who had passed more than 40 years ago. And he finds her grave. And he sits there.

And Umar r.a says that they start getting a little concerned that so much time has passed by and the Prophet isn't amongst them. And it wasn't a concern that was "Where's the Prophet at?" — it was more so, "I hope he's okay." The mother isn't concerned about you as a son or daughter because she's worried about you having fun or not having fun. She's worried about making sure you're okay. And a lot of the time us as children are like, "Why do you always care where I am?" — it's not that they don't care whether or not we're having fun. They care to make sure that we're okay.

So — where's the Prophet? And they hear a noise, someone just crying. And the word that is used in the hadith is like a boiling pot. And they hear this and they follow the noise. And as they come close, they see the Prophet ﷺ sitting with his head in his lap — like when a person puts his knees up and you put your head in your lap — and he's just crying. And the sahabas come from behind and say, "Ya Rasulallah, what's going on?" He said, "You guys — it's not for you." They asked, "What's making you cry so much?" And he responded by saying, "This is the grave of my mother, Aminah. And as I'm coming back from Hudaybiyyah, I'm remembering my mother. And I wish she was with me today so she could see what we've done together. I wish she could see it."

Crying is okay. And it's very normal that when a relationship is removed from us, it does bring remorse. But imagine if we're allowed to cultivate relationships in this world to an extent that even when they leave, we have a connection with them. That is a relationship. And that relationship can only be found in our religion. That even when a person leaves, you can send them reward. Even when a person leaves, that person thinks of them. Because our souls never die — our bodies just transition. The soul is something that never dies. It transitions from one realm to the next.

So Adam was created with Hawwah. Therefore, of course, there's a reality of our relationships — we do care about them. We're not amongst those people that say, "I'll survive by myself." Because if we try, most probably our iman will be like that milk, and it will get flushed away.

The Prophet ﷺ Enters Madinah: Building a Community

The Prophet ﷺ enters into the city of Madinah. The city of Madinah was an empty land known for its sickness. It was called Yathrib. What does Yathrib mean? Sickness, disease. Anyone that could avoid the path of Yathrib would avoid the path of Yathrib. The Prophet's father passed away in Yathrib. The Prophet's mother passed away on her journey back from Yathrib. People would avoid the journey through Yathrib when they would go to Syria, because they would get sick.

And the Prophet ﷺ enters the city, and the moment he enters, the name of the city shifts to Al-Madinah al-Tayyibah, Al-Madinah al-Munawwarah. He could have kept the city's name Yathrib. He changed the city to create a sense of realization — now this city will bring happiness. Tayyibah — it's a sanctified city. An illuminated city. The name change had nothing to do with the landscape changing. Same city. Had nothing to do with the infrastructure changing. Same city. Economical opportunities changing. Same city. All that changed in the city was the person who was able to connect the hearts.

The Prophet ﷺ — one of the narrations in Shama'il, when Hind ibn Abi Halah is asked about how the Prophet was, by Hasan r.a, his grandson, he responds by saying:

(Shama'il al-Muhammadiyyah of Imam al-Tirmidhi)

The Prophet ﷺ was a person who was honorable within himself, naturally. There was no sense of formality in his honor. He didn't need to walk a certain way for people to honor him. He was an honorable person. Therefore, he was very secure. He didn't mind if people walked in front of him. He didn't mind if someone stood in front of him and said something. Because he was naturally very honorable.

And number two, مُفَخَّمًا — he was able to create a sense of honor within people. Prophetic connections isn't building relationships with people yourself. Prophetic connections is that you can build relationships within people for themselves. You have no benefit from it. But you're just happy to see these people get along now. You're just happy to see that husband and wife are not arguing anymore. It's not about yourself. You remove yourself from the equation and see that people can benefit from this relationship.

The First Hadith Spoken in Madinah

The Prophet of Allah ﷺ, as he enters the city, the name has changed to طَيِّبَة because of his presence, because of his ability of building relationships. And the first hadith that he says — Abu Mas'ud al-Badri r.a says, when the Prophet entered Madinah, the first thing that he said — imagine, you've just entered a new home, and you're still a stranger, people don't know you — and he says:

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 2485; also recorded in Musnad Ahmad)

"Spread Salam." Now people translate this as "Say As-Salamu Alaykum," which is accurate. But أَفْشُوا السَّلَامَ also means spread a sense of peace in our community. Why? Because all of us are coming from different backgrounds. Regardless of how different our backgrounds are, the moment we connect under a banner, we become united. So for example, in sports — players don't like each other when they're on different teams. And the moment they come onto one team, it's as if they never had a problem. Because now you're under one banner, and that banner was large enough that it could encompass all of that which you care for, and could attract you to work together.

Aws and Khazraj were two tribes in Madinah that were at each other's necks for more than 50 years, going from one war to the next. The Prophet enters Madinah, and he says, أَفْشُوا السَّلَامَ — "Guys, I'm only gonna stay here if you guys love each other. And I'll help you. Your hearts have to be open to it."

And Allah says:

Allah brought ulfah — love and unity — within their hearts for each other. Not for the Prophet only, but also for each other. If a system or even a company can only exist because people love the leader, it will soon fail. A system and a company will continue to thrive and survive because people believe in its vision. That's the only way it survives. Therefore, even when the Prophet left this world, we grew, we prospered. Because the system was not necessarily limited to a personality, though he was a nucleus of it. It continued to thrive because they all loved each other, even though they had different backgrounds from all the different countries.

The Prophet's classroom was like no other classroom. Today they don't let students go from one school district to another school district simply because the teachers will have a hard time managing students from different counties. "You're from that area, I can't teach you, because the students that I have fit a certain fabric. You come from a different place, I won't be able to connect with you." Imagine the Prophet's classroom where there's everyone there, and no person feels like they don't belong.

Character Is Cultivated, Not Natural

That doesn't happen naturally. Someone could say, "Well, I'm naturally very harsh. I'm naturally not personable. I'm naturally not a person that speaks to people." This has very little to do with how much you speak to someone. A person can tell if you're sad without you speaking. A person can tell if you're happy without you speaking. A person can tell that you have a sense of kindness and love for them without you speaking. That concept of "I don't speak much" is a straight-up khafa. Because they can tell.

This is why when Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala speaks about the worst type of backbiting, it has nothing to do with speaking:

Allah is saying, the harshest punishment in Jahannam is for these two people. And it's not even ghibah. The way Ibn Abbas explains it — the harshest punishment in Jahannam is wayl. The deepest valley of Jahannam is wayl. And who is wayl reserved for? هُمَزَة is a person who looks down upon people simply by their facial expressions. Someone walks in — that person, this person — just by a look. That is هُمَزَة. And that person felt a certain way without you speaking. "It was just natural, what can I do?"

Look — intention is the key element in every worship. But it's not the key element in every interaction.

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 1; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1907)

Worship is based upon intention. But when you interact with someone, your intention takes a back seat. We are not judged by what our intention was — we're judged by how that person took it. So we say something, and that person feels a little hurt by it, and you say, "That wasn't my intention." It doesn't matter if it was your intention. How that person took it is what defines your reward or sin. This is why when it comes to transactions in deen, you can be joking, lying, or playing games, but it will still count. Because your intention doesn't really matter as much. What matters is how that person received it.

The word تَخَلُّق — which means أَخْلَاق — comes from the same root word of خَلَقَ, which means to create. Because the concept of character is the same as creating something. A person must work on it in order for it to become second nature to them. It's not supposed to be natural — it's supposed to be cultivated. And hence it becomes أَخْلَاق, like خَلَقَ — just like how a person can tell that your eyes look a certain way, and your ears are a certain way, they know for sure that your response will be this way. It takes time for it to be worked on. A person must cultivate it. The idea that it's not there is simply because we never worked on it.

And لُمَزَة is frowning upon people by using your fingers or your hands — like this person, that person. That's لُمَزَة.

So the Prophet entered the city and he said, spread love, spread peace. And it can only happen if a person truly wishes it.

Open Your Homes: اطعموا الطعام

And number two he says, in order to spread love and peace, وَأَطْعِمُوا الطَّعَامَ — open your homes. أَطْعِمُوا الطَّعَامَ doesn't simply mean "give people food." أَطْعَمَ means to present people with food. One is to give someone money to go buy something from the restaurant — that's not أَطْعِمُوا الطَّعَامَ. أَطْعِمُوا الطَّعَامَ is to present it to them, to give it to them in a manner in which they still feel respected. It's not okay to simply give — it's important to give and have that person feel like their honor is not being diminished.

Hasan al-Basri rahimahullah, when he would give people charity, he would give it with his hand like this — with his hand lower. Normally you give charity like this, but he would give it with his hand beneath. And people would ask him, "Why do you put your hand lower?" And he would respond by saying that the Prophet has told us:

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 1427; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1033)

"The hand that is above is better than the hand that is below. I don't want that person who is taking from me to think that I'm better than him." This is an art. Character is also an art. Our voice is an art. Allowing people to feel comfortable and be loved in a community — it's an art. It takes time, and it can only happen if you truly care.

Three Things That Will Save a Person Near the Day of Judgment

The Prophet ﷺ says, at the time near the Day of Judgment, when there is nothing but fitna around us — difficulties and calamities — three things will save a person. This narration was where Uqbah ibn Amir asked the Prophet, "Ya Rasulallah, you're talking about all these difficulties, hard times — what can protect us?"

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 2406; graded Hasan)

Number one: ابْكِ عَلَى خَطِيئَتِكَ — cry over your sins. Meaning spend time with Allah.

Number two: وَلْيَسَعْكَ بَيْتُكَ — be a person that you can make your home, you can grow your home not by the square footage, but by its barakah. People can come in and benefit from your talents and skills. Ibn al-Qayyim rahimahullah says under the ayah:

That if you and your family are the only ones benefiting from your talents and skills, then it's not really a talent. So Allah says, وَأَمَّا بِنِعْمَةِ رَبِّكَ فَحَدِّثْ — if you have a blessing, people should be able to benefit from it. People should be able to take from it. Generosity is not just through wealth — it's through psychological reserve. Allowing people to benefit simply by your presence, and being almost a sponge that people can share things about their lives, and you remain completely unaffected. Not because you don't care, but because you wish for them to benefit more from your presence, like a mother does.

And why is it so that we are ultra sensitive for ourselves and our families, and somehow ultra tolerant for others? That I say something to someone and they get hurt — "Man, he's too sensitive." But when someone says that same thing to my son, "I can't believe they said that." We've become tolerant for how others should feel and sensitive towards how we feel. We should be the opposite. When someone does something to me — tolerance. But if someone else is being affected around me, I'm very sensitive for them. As the Prophet was.

When someone says something to Abu Bakr, the Prophet was sensitive. When Abu Dharr says something to Bilal and called him a name, the Prophet was sensitive. His sensitivities weren't for himself — they were for people. And that's how people knew that they were loved by the Prophet. And that's the way that people feel love in our time. That when someone talks about someone else, we stand up and say, "That's not okay for you to say." That person knows that they are beloved. And when you stay quiet, that means no one really cares about that person.

Hence Allah says:

You can never become foul in your language or harsh — except when you are helping and supporting an oppressed person. Then you speak up. Then you help that person.

And the third one was: وَأَمْسِكْ عَلَيْكَ لِسَانَكَ — hold your tongue. Take care of your tongue. Don't let your tongue own you. Be careful with your words and with your fingers at this time.

The Five Rights of a Believer Upon Another Believer

And I'll end with the rights of a believer — this is where the bare minimum connection needs to be. And if this bare minimum connection is happening, that means we are insan. And if this bare minimum connection is not happening, then the word insan isn't fully being amplified in our life.

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 1240; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2162)

There are five rights that every person has upon another person.

1. Radd al-Salam — Returning the Greeting

The first one is رَدُّ السَّلَامِ — when a person says salam to you, you should reply to that salam in a way that they can actually hear you.

At the time of the Prophet's demise, people came and they saw Uthman r.a sitting, and he was in complete shock — he couldn't even fathom, he couldn't process what had just happened. And if anyone has dealt with trauma, this is the first thing that happens: denial. And as he's dealing with this, people come by and say salam to him, and he never responded because he couldn't even hear them. Later on, those companions came to him and said, "You know, we said salam to you and you never responded." That's how serious it was seen — not responding to a salam. That no matter what had happened, even though the Prophet ﷺ had just passed away — the greatest tragedy the ummah will ever face — if I say salam, you have to say salam back. In other words, it doesn't matter what you're dealing with.

When our brother rahimahullah left this world, one of the things that my older brother said to us is: "When people meet you, you should still be able to bring a smile to their face regardless of what you're dealing with." Because that's love for people. Still respond to their salam. Still pick up their call. When you don't want to pick up the person's call — that's radd al-salam.

And you know the hadith that says a person who has more iman is a person who says salam first? The beautiful narration of Sahih Muslim — that whoever says salam first has more iman. That hadith is not for friends. It has absolutely no implication or application when you say salam to those who you already know. Because if you already know the person, the salam is inevitable — it's gonna happen anyways. But when you don't know a person and you put yourself out and say salam, that means you have more iman.

2. Ijabat al-Da'wah — Responding to Invitations

Number two: إِجَابَةُ الدَّعْوَةِ. When someone calls you for an invitation, respond. Ijabah doesn't necessarily mean that you show up, because we can't show up to everything — it's nearly impossible. إِجَابَةُ الدَّعْوَةِ means that you respond to the invitation. Why do we have to create 17, 20 different types of apps to simply ask us to respond? They don't even want us to say yes — just respond. It takes 20 seconds to say, "I can't come," or to click "No" at the RSVP link. But we won't do it. Why not? Because our time is more valuable than theirs.

And the Prophet is telling us this 1,440 years ago — إِجَابَةُ الدَّعْوَةِ. When someone calls you, respond to them. You don't have to go. Simply respond so they know that you've seen it. Why does Apple and WhatsApp have to create systems for us to show that the message has been seen? Because we don't know how to respond to people's invitations. And all of this is created for a simple rule of life that the Prophet taught us: respond. You hear someone calling you — respond, yes or no, respectfully. And if they say no, don't get hurt about it, because they responded.

3. Tashmit al-'Atish — Responding to a Sneeze

Number three: تَشْمِيتُ الْعَاطِسِ. When someone sneezes, you say يَرْحَمُكَ اللَّهُ. Ibn Hajar rahimahullah says, yes, saying alhamdulillah is the key — but more important than that, a right of a believer is that you make dua for them. Because يَرْحَمُكَ اللَّهُ is a dua — "May Allah's mercy be upon you." That is a sign — and Ibn Hajar rahimahullah says in this hadith — this is a sign that you truly love someone: that you're able to make dua for them. When was the last time we did that for somebody? We struggle to do that for our own parents, for our own children.

One of the biggest differences between our parents and us — and we always like to speak down upon our parents who came from back home: just relax, we just started, we don't know where our children are going to go. The biggest difference is that our parents actually made dua for us in tahajjud. They cried for us, they made dua for us, they cared for us. Our names were very commonly found on their tongues in tahajjud. You could hear them saying your names. And us as parents — we have every resource — yet we rarely make dua for our own children, because we think we've got it. And that feeling of "we already got it" is what will cause a challenge for us later on.

So تَشْمِيتُ الْعَاطِسِ is an encouragement to make dua for your loved ones.