Special Event | Mufti Azeemuddin Ahmed | Gender Roles

Opening & Intention

Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim. Respected elders and brothers, mothers and sisters, dear young friends and guests of the house of Allah, as-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. I thank Almighty Allah who has blessed me with this opportunity after some time to be visiting this community and getting a chance to share some words about Allah and His Rasul صلى الله عليه وسلم.

And I thank Allah who has brought all of you here and given us the tawfiq to sit together for some time between two salats and to hear some words hopefully that will be of benefit to myself and all of those who are present. At the very beginning, I would request everyone to make du'a to Allah. Ya Allah, we've come here to this program, we're sitting between Maghrib and Isha, our goal is to get close to You.

Our goal is to get ourselves rectified. We have no other intention but our own islah and our own rectification. Ya Allah, since we are talib — we are the seekers — You are matloob, You are the one who is sought out after.

We ask Ya Allah that whatever our needs are, whatever our issues are, we ask Ya Allah to allow this gathering here to be able to address those issues. And Ya Allah, whatever difficulty we are going through, whatever questions we have, whatever doubts we may have, Ya Allah, we ask You to allow this reminder to be addressing those issues. And through the blessing of this gathering and majlis, when we stand up, I ask Allah and I want all of you to make this du'a — that we not only stand up in a state that our sins have been forgiven, but also in a state that our iman has been rejuvenated and we leave this gathering in a far better state than we entered.

And intentionally, every one of you, make this du'a in your heart: Ya Allah, You know what I'm going through. Regardless of what the topic is, regardless of what's advertised, Ya Allah, allow me to walk away with immense benefit based on what I am facing. Because everyone here — different age groups, different genders, different backgrounds — so many various issues everyone is going through. One topic, one talk, cannot possibly address everyone's issues.

But Allah is qadir — Allah is all-powerful. Allah is mu'ti — Allah is the one who gives. Allah is hadi — He is the one who guides. So if we sit with talab and desire, Allah will allow us to benefit wherever we are, whenever we are, whichever talk we're attending.

The Era We Live In: A World Turned Upside Down

This topic — gender roles — was not my choice. This is something that was recommended by someone from the masjid. It is definitely an interesting topic, and we hope that we can address it in the most beneficial manner.

Boys will ask me: I'm getting married — what type of questions should I ask? What should I be looking for in a spouse? Naturally, girls are going to be wondering the same thing. My female students at the seminary sometimes ask these types of questions as well. So we need to understand, from the very beginning, that lots of issues today are new issues — and they're new not only for Muslims. They're new for Christians, new for Jews, new for Hindus, new for Buddhists, new for everyone.

For example, transgenderism is something new. The entire massive movement across the globe of LGBTQ — what are their rights, what's acceptable, what's not acceptable — this is not a Muslim issue. This is a world issue. These are challenges to Muslim, human practices, accepted norms in society for thousands of years. You're seeing a massive upheaval in everything.

One of my students said he was taking a college class. Some parents might say, "Why are you saying this in the masjid?" Guess what — your son and daughter is listening to this all day. So you might as well hear it from me, in the masjid. Because your kids listen to this every day, all day.

In college, a professor — on the first day of an ethics class — asked: "How many of you would agree that marrying your siblings should be legalized?" What we call incest. From that class, two or three students raised their hand. The vast majority said no — it doesn't make sense. Then she began to teach her class. In a nutshell, she said: we live in a new era, what we call the post-modernity era. In this era, everything that happened previously is abrogated — including ethics, values, and morals. All the previous social constructs must be broken down, and we must build new ones from the bottom.

By the end of the class, she did a vote. And what happened? Besides two students, everyone raised their hand to say they were okay with it. I said, SubhanAllah — how long was this class? 16 weeks? 8 weeks? No — the entire change happened within 45 minutes. Within one class period. These are not foolish kids. A very good university. Smart, intelligent people. But this is the era we live in, where every single thing has been thrown into a blender. Everything is mixed. You can't separate it. People don't know where to start.

We are living in a blended era where all the things we are accustomed to — which our elders were accustomed to — have been mixed beyond recognition. The elders sitting here are shocked. Most of them have no idea what is going on today. They wouldn't even be able to understand or believe what's happening.

To the extent that when a female judge was being appointed to the Supreme Court a few years ago, during her Senate confirmation hearing, she was asked: "How do you define a female?" You're going to become a Supreme Court Justice. You're supposed to be at the top of intelligence and analytical reasoning. You're going to make judgments that affect the future of this country. And her answer was: "I'm going to have to leave that to the biologist to explain." I told this to my Ustad, Hazrat Mufti Alaa al-Haq, and he was just shocked. He said, "I cannot believe this is your country, America — the land of the free, the most educated, the superpower of the world — and people sitting at the highest levels of the judiciary system refuse to define what is a female, what constitutes a male."

We are living in that era where whatever was expected to be normal is now up for debate. Where truth is no longer objective — it has become subjective. This introduction is very important. If you understand it, everything else will be easy to understand and answer.

The Prophetic Warning: Following the Previous Nations

An entire generation is now being taught not only about the permissibility of changing gender, but of LGBTQ. And next on the horizon is the legalization of relationships with one's own mahram relatives. And what I have read is that where this whole movement is going, ultimately, is to legalize the abuse of minors. We don't want to use the platform of the masjid to spread all the dirty laundry of the world, but it is important for us to not be foolish, stupid, and naive. We have to be well-read. As a dad and mom, you need to know what your kids are going through.

This is where the fuhsh movement is headed. Where is it going to end? It is going to end where Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم said: before the end of times, people will be fulfilling their lustful desires openly on the street, the way animals do. And at that time, the most honorable, God-fearing person will be the one who merely says, "Can you please do what you're doing a little off to the side of the road, because we're walking here." That will be the most morally conscious person at that time.

Who said this? The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم already prophesied this. He prophesied and told us that this ummah will blindly follow all other previous nations:

"You will certainly follow the ways of those who came before you, step by step, handspan by handspan." (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 7320; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2669)

Footstep by footstep. That's what Muslims are doing — completely absorbing the kufr culture. All across the globe, not just America. Everyone is not proud of Islamic culture, not proud of Islamic traditional values, and are excited to take on the values of others. And to what degree is this going to go? It's not about dressing only, it's not about food, it's not just cultural — it goes beyond that. It's not about gender roles only. We're just getting started.

The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said: to the extent that if one of them were to go into a lizard hole, you will do the same. A full-grown man going into a lizard hole — what are you doing? "I saw the kufr doing it, I gotta do the same thing. That must be the road to success." That makes no sense. But that's the mentality: because they're doing it, I have to do it.

And the second example — and understand, the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم is definitely the most bashful, most haya-filled person. If his son-in-law Uthman ibn Affan was such that the angels themselves have haya from him, imagine the father-in-law, that Nabi who was the means of that hayaa. If someone said something inappropriate, the Prophet's face would turn red like a pomegranate had been squeezed on his cheeks — out of anger. He wouldn't even say "how dare you" — his face alone would say it all. So imagine how difficult it must have been for the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم to say what he said — and not to us, but to the greatest generation of human beings who ever walked this earth after the Prophets: the noble companions.

He said: "O Muslims, you will follow the previous generations, footstep by footstep. Everything they do, you will do. And if one of them were to fulfill his lustful desire with his own mother, you will do the same." Approximately 1,500 years ago, for Nabi صلى الله عليه وسلم to say this to his Sahaba — understand how challenging and difficult that was. But he had to say it. It was not shock and awe. The purpose was to warn us of where this ummah was going to be headed. And that's exactly where, at the speed of a fast train, we are headed — because we have become blind followers of others.

Instead of standing up and saying, "The world is going in this direction, but we are going to present the proper moral code that you have forgotten" — instead of that, we are racing to reach the bottom first.

The Disease of Fuhsh and Its Consequences

When you look at all the filth and the haram that's going on, if you look at online search engines, they will tell you that from the 10 countries that search for haram the most, Muslim countries are at the top. Here is one statistic from Ramadan 2014: on the first day of Ramadan, there was a 50% drop worldwide in such searches. Yes, there is one explanation — people say, "At least there's no open zina taking place," so this is where people are resorting to. But understand that this is a very huge problem. We cannot underestimate the power of watching fuhsh. This is honestly one of the biggest reasons we are destroyed — not just spiritually, but why our families are falling apart, why so much mental illness has come about, why depression has come about.

This is a serious disease that has spread like wildfire across the globe, across men and women of all walks of life — and of course, Muslim men and women. It is a horrible thing. And until we do not address the white elephant in the room, we will continue to go towards our destruction.

A young man — about 24 years old — came to me for help last year. He was going through mental issues, academic issues, failing, not able to keep a job, not able to study, not able to do anything. One of my first questions when I meet people like this is always: are you an addict? And 9 out of 10 times, they are addicts of watching haram. He said yes. I said: for how long? He said for about 8 to 10 years — since 9th grade in high school. How much? From an hour all the way up to 8 hours a day.

That Muslim brother told me — and Allah is a witness of what he told me — he said: "I don't feel that my mother is safe around me at home anymore." When he told me that, I said, Wallahi, if you were to tell this to another scholar, he'd have to call in sick and go home. But I've heard so much, I can take it. I looked at him with a straight face and said: okay, you need some serious help, my friend. But the fact that you've come for help — my job is not to make him feel guilty and bad. My job is to give him hope that he can get out of this mess. Which I did. And Alhamdulillah, to a good extent, we helped him quite a bit. May Allah make it easy for him and all others who have fallen into this unbelievable trap.

You wonder: where is this LGBTQ movement coming from? Where is this transgenderism coming from? Where did all of this come from? It comes from the same serious disease. This is a small glimpse of what the Muslim Ummah is going through when we forget our own selves and our own systems, and simply say: if everyone else is doing it, we can do it as well.

The Gold Standard: Returning to the Sunnah

I was at a bakery once, picking something up for our masjid. A man came next to me, a Jewish person, and started talking. He said he hadn't been to a mosque. Then he said something that struck me: "I appreciate the way you're dressed and the things you're doing, because the world's gone to a crazy place. It's left everything that was normal and traditional amongst all faiths, all cultures, and has come up with a brand new, what I would call a shaitani, iblisi, dajjali lifestyle." So many non-Muslims honestly appreciate traditional Muslim values and roles.

I remember once I was stopped at Homeland Security on the way back from overseas. After all the questioning, one of the officers — handing me my passport back — said: "We really appreciate and look up to your culture. The value your culture places on the respect of mothers — this is something we really appreciate." These were ladies probably in their mid-to-late fifties, who themselves could have had their children caring for them. This is something non-Muslims also look at us and appreciate.

Now, tying this in with our general topic: today you're asking about gender roles. Tomorrow it's going to be about gender itself. The third day, it's going to be about who you can sleep with and who you can marry. The fourth day, it's going to be about what the attributes of God are, because everyone else is throwing God out of the textbooks and out of the schools. So we have to train ourselves, our siblings, our children, and our spouses: we cannot compare ourselves with the rest of the world. We have our own system.

"That's weird." Yes — having a heterosexual marriage, living as husband and wife with children — this is slowly becoming what the minority does. Single-parent households and having children out of wedlock are slowly becoming more popular. Every single thing your parents and grandparents used to do is being erased from society, one by one.

That is why we have to do a master reset in our minds. As a practicing Muslim, Islam does not just teach me to pray Maghrib salah. Islam wants me to think in an Islamic manner. I have to have a mindset and a frame of mind that is according to the sunnah of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم. I have to shift my paradigm from an era of post-modernism to the sunnah of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم. Where what I think is right and wrong is based on what Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم said.

For example, the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said a time will come when a man will be sitting on his cushion and someone will say, "Allah created this," and someone will ask:

"Then who created Allah?" (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 3276; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 134)

I heard this myself. I remember going with my father on jawlah in dawah when I was seven years old, and we went to some brother's house. My father was giving him dawah and the man — a physician — said, "Okay, Allah created the heavens and the earth, fine. Who created Allah?" I still remember my dad loudly saying, "A'udhu billahi minash shaytanir rajim, Astaghfirullah." That memory stuck with me from seven years old. What kind of question is that?

The Nabi صلى الله عليه وسلم mentioned this and told us: if this thought comes to you, falyasta'idh billahi minash shaytanir rajim — seek protection from Allah from the accursed shaitan. He didn't say, "Go take an aqeedah class." He didn't say, "Go take a philosophy class." He said: first, seek refuge in Allah. Because this is a waswasah — a whisper from shaitan.

One college student told me: the professor asked the class, "How many of you believe in God?" A few raised their hands. "How many of you believe in Satan?" Maybe one or two. The whole class laughed. And that's why I love this statement: the biggest trick that Satan played on us is to make us believe he doesn't exist. Because shaitan will come in and say, "Allah doesn't exist," and then he walks away — and no one even suspects him because they don't believe he exists.

But shaitan is real. By the permission of Allah, by the will of Allah, he has been created. And Allah has put him as a test. So what we need to understand is that our measure of what's right and wrong has to go back all the way to the original recipe: the sunnah of Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم and the explanation of that sunnah through the lives of the Sahaba. That is the gold standard. Stories of the Sahaba, stories from the seerah of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم, with the proper understanding.

Going back to the Quran alone is not sufficient. Because the Quran can be misunderstood in many ways. Allah Himself says:

"Many are misled through it, and many are guided through it." He actually mentioned the misled first. So if a person divorces the Quran from the sunnah, it's going to be a big problem. And if a person understands hadith on his own, also misguidance. Instead, we have to understand the hadith from the experience and explanation of those who lived it themselves — the Sahaba and companions of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم. And then the statements of the Sahaba need to be understood in the light of the fuqaha and jurists who were given unbelievable levels of depth of knowledge and spirituality.

Knowledge Is Not Enough: The Need for Nur in the Heart

Understand this point clearly. Physical sciences — if you've got IQ, you can understand them. If you listen attentively, you can grasp them. But Quran and Sunnah are not based on IQ alone. They require a rightly guided heart. There is no one amongst us who knows Allah better than Iblis. He's been in existence for hundreds of millions of years — way before Adam عليه السلام. He saw the malakut, the hidden workings of the world. He has unbelievable intelligence. But it did not protect him from misguidance — because he had a crooked heart.

The ulema say that when Allah said to Iblis, "Get out, you are cursed," Iblis asked for respite until the Day of Judgment — which means he knew Allah would grant it to him. The ulema say that is the degree to which he knew Allah. And yet in one place he says to Allah: "I take an oath in Your honor — I will definitely mislead all of humanity." His intelligence made him the biggest kafir.

So for us, all of our value systems of what's right and wrong need to go back towards the sunnah. When a person understands that, the rest becomes easy. If we don't understand that or don't agree with it, then we're going to have a very hard time. Today, you have a hard time understanding the role of a man and woman. Tomorrow, you're going to have a hard time with men leading the salah.

How long are we going to last with men leading the salah? The way things are headed. When I was still studying overseas, we already had the incident of a woman leading a mixed salah — in New York, in Cape Town. And there are LGBTQ masajid in Chicago and other places. Small now, but slowly becoming a trend — where everything must be equal. If men give the khutbah, women must give the khutbah. If men give the adhan, women must give the adhan. Where does it stop? It doesn't stop anywhere.

And now you understand, when you read all the signs of the hour. I encourage every one of you — at least once a month — to listen to a good scholar's talk on the signs of the hour. Read from the chapters of Kitab al-Fitan and Kitab Ashrat al-Sa'ah — the signs of the trials and tribulations before the end of times. If you have an unadulterated mind still on fitrah, you will connect the dots and say: "This is exactly what our Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was warning us about."

And why did he warn us so much about it? Because in the end of times — what we call the era of Dajjal — most people will fall into the deception. Most people will be so hypnotized they won't know right from wrong. That spiritual light — I told you — IQ is not sufficient. You have to have that Noor in the heart. What does Allah say?

"If Allah does not give you Noor, no one can give you Noor."

A Story of Lost and Renewed Faith

I had a student who was honestly one of the brightest students of that class and many other classes. Very well-mannered, very studious, top-notch. After a few years, he had to return to his own state and started going to college. One day, before Fajr, he texted me: "Sheikh, I'm having faith issues. I'm suffering from doubts." I was shocked. From all of the people I could have expected, I would never expect this from him. He said: "I'm having a hard time believing in Prophet Muhammad, I'm having a hard time believing in the existence of Allah."

I immediately realized: the light inside the heart had been extinguished. I knew him and his abilities — two years ago, if an atheist came in front of him, he could logically tear him apart. He was so strong in kalam, so grounded in his aqeedah. And now the same person was saying he doesn't believe in Allah. This is not an academic problem. This is not a problem of intelligence. This is a problem of pure spirituality.

His classmates spoke to him for six hours at a time, trying to convince him. I said: after six hours, he's exactly where he was — no change. When a person is in that state, you're not going to change him through argumentation. Until the Noor comes back to the heart. That is why I said: come meet me in the masjid. Not on the beach or at a bar. The environment of the masjid itself will be conducive to, inshallah, reigniting the Noor.

It took about a year to a year and a half. When we finally sat together in one gathering, I said to him: "Your example is like a stadium — a big football stadium — with the bright lights on, 60,000 people inside. And someone goes to the breaker room and turns off the electricity. Instantaneously, the entire stadium goes pitch dark. Did the 60,000 people disappear? The football is there, the players are there — but you just can't see it. That's the example of your heart. The light has been switched off. All the proofs of how to debate an atheist are in your mind — but the light is off, and it seems like you have nothing." He said: "Sheikh, you are 100% right. That's exactly how I feel."

I told him: even though you feel like you're not a Muslim anymore, even though you feel you don't believe Allah exists — still force yourself to ask Allah every day: "Ya Allah, if You exist, guide me." Just do that. Show your humility to Allah. You're not proud of where you are. You're simply confused, and you can't find your way out. So ask Allah for guidance. SubhanAllah — he did that. About a year to a year and a half later, Alhamdulillah, 100% out of that mess. I just met him two weeks ago and he was in such a strong spiritual state. He told me: "I have some money saved up — I want to go for four months in jama'at, in khuruj." He's married with two or three kids.

The key lesson: education and ilm and IQ are not sufficient for guidance. You need the Noor of Allah in your heart. If you have that, the Quran and hadith will make sense to you. If you don't have it, you'll be reading the Quran and misunderstanding it. And there are too many examples of that in the world today.

Gender Roles: The Islamic Understanding

Now, specifically on the topic of gender roles. Allah has created men and women differently. Their anatomy is different. Their biology is different. Just like in your cutlery cabinet, you have a fork, a spoon, a spatula, a knife — each one has a different purpose. You don't eat cereal with a fork. You don't cut onions with a spoon. There is a place for every single thing. You are not diminishing the role of one by using different things for different purposes. Allah has created us all in different ways — our temperaments are different, our emotions are different, the way we make decisions is different.

When it comes to giving birth to children, Allah has chosen women for that. Now even that is contested. They say: "It's not women who give birth — it's people who menstruate." This is already happening and some of you already know what I'm talking about. In my local school district, a Muslim woman who had taken 10 years off from teaching went back to an elementary school, and on the first day of orientation, she was told: "We have a special student who identifies as both human and as a cat. Hence, we have to make arrangements of a litter box for them in the school building." One of the best-rated schools in the entire state. She ran out. She said: "I cannot spend a single hour here." That's the kind of thing.

Allah has created people differently, and each one of His rules exists for wisdom. When it comes to giving birth to children, Allah has given the mother the ability to handle what a man simply cannot. And Allah Himself says in the Quran:

"His mother bore him with difficulty upon difficulty." Even the word wahn — you can feel pain when you say it. It means she bore the baby with difficulty upon difficulty. Allah is calling it difficult.

That is why the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was asked: who has the most right upon you? He said:

"Your mother. Then who? Your mother. Then who? Your mother. Then who? Your father." (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5971; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2548)

He didn't say Jannah lies under the feet of your dad. The mother, the mother, the mother — because of everything she does for her children, starting from giving birth, to nursing them, to raising them. A man cannot nurse a child. That connection between a child and a mother, at that age, is something only the mother can provide.

Soft skin of a woman, rough hands of a man — that roughness is what you need to be able to give your life to protect your wife and kids, to spend 12 or 18 hours working for them, to travel away and work for a month and come back. That same toughness means you will not necessarily be the most easygoing parent for a little one. When you come home after 18 hours and a child is crying — that responsibility goes to the mom. She has the sabr and patience that a dad simply won't have in that moment. And the first madrasa of a child is the mother's lap. As she nurses him, she is teaching him.

As the child gets older, the father's role becomes more apparent. Teaching them how to be successful outside the house, teaching them survival skills — that toughness has to come from the father. The gentleness from the mother. There are different things that each one has that the other one does not have. And hence, Allah did not make it so that a child comes from one parent alone. He made two individuals necessary for bringing a child into this world, because it literally requires two people to have a successful life together. They complement each other — each one can provide what the other cannot.

And that is why you will find hadith about how we must take care of aramil — widows, women who have lost their husbands. It is incumbent upon society and upon men as a community to take care of them. Allah has made her a queen at every stage, and has made the responsibility upon the man to take care of the needs of his spouse — financially and emotionally.

When men understand their role — that I need to be earning, spending, and taking care of the financial as well as emotional needs of my wife — and when a wife understands her role in the education and care of the children and in supporting her husband, it is not competition. Rather, we are complementing each other. The goal is to have a happy life in which the sunnah of Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم is being practiced, the commands of Allah are being fulfilled, and we raise God-fearing, righteous, pious young men and women in our home.

The Purpose of Marriage

A successful marriage is when each spouse is trying to make the other one happy — to say: "I want to do more for my spouse than he or she has done for me." And each one of us has this yaqeen that on the Day of Judgment, our wife or husband will be one of the best witnesses on our behalf. Every man, every woman, wants their spouse to be able to stand up for them on that Day and say: "Ya Allah, You gave me such an amazing partner." That is the desire every one of us should have. Not making fun of our spouses and saying, "You can't live with her, you can't live without her." Allah never made marriage for that purpose.

Allah made marriage for:

"That you may find contentment and peace in your marriages, and He has placed between you mawaddah — a passionate love — and rahmah — a compassionate love. Indeed, in that are great signs for people who ponder." First comes passionate love, then over time it matures into compassionate love. But that passionate love is important. And then it matures into compassionate love. Indeed, there are great signs in marriage for those who reflect.

The gist of this is: traditional gender roles are something I would encourage people to follow, because they are something that has worked for thousands of years. I am myself a product of that. My mother is a physician — she came to America in the early 1970s, did medical school in India, did her residency and fellowship here, and became a board-certified pediatrician. But she gave that up to raise me — I'm the youngest of four. And SubhanAllah, what she did, my dad would never ever be able to do. And I can never imagine being raised by my mother alone either. Allah has made a man and a woman, a husband and a wife, for a reason — each one can provide what the other cannot.

Now, these traditional gender roles should work with people who willingly embrace them. If someone says, "I'm totally against traditional gender roles," and you are for them — don't marry each other. Simple as that. For every person who prefers a different arrangement, there's someone who agrees with them. What I'm speaking to is those who say: "Traditional gender roles work for me." Then find someone who agrees with you. Don't find someone who doesn't agree and then force them into it. That's why this needs to be discussed right from the very beginning of marriage conversations.

And by no means am I saying that traditional gender roles means dhulm or oppression. That is absolutely wrong. Find one incident where Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم raised his hand against his wife. Find one incident where the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم screamed at his wives. You won't find it. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم would come home and:

"He used to be occupied in the service of his family." (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 676)

He used to be busy in the work of his family. It doesn't say it was his primary job — it was the family's responsibility — but he would participate in it. So as men, when you have young kids at home, we need to help. Come participate. Help out with the dishes, with feeding the kids, with bringing peace at home, because the mom has been taking care of things all day. That doesn't mean we sit back and eat potato chips and watch football — that is not the deen. But the deen is that everyone will be super happy in their own role. That's what deen is. Deen is not meant to make you unhappy. If you follow the deen properly, dear husbands, you will be happy. Dear wives, if you follow the deen properly, you should be happy. If husband and wife both are following the sunnah, you're supposed to be happy in your own place.

Questions & Answers

How traditional of a household am I expected to maintain? How much am I expected to cook, clean, and care for the kids?

Honestly, this is something you can discuss with your mom, discuss between yourselves. This is not something I want to dictate and make your life miserable. I'll tell you my story. When I was getting married, one sheikh — one uncle — told me he had a daughter for me. He went on to praise her: no non-mahram has ever seen her face, she is an alimah, her mom has always been by her side, no man has ever heard her voice. I was like, wow, this sounds too good to be true. And then he told me: "But let me let you know right now — for breakfast and lunch, she'll make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." I was like, are you serious? You're telling me this, possibly to a future son-in-law? Not to say she'll be taught, not to say her mom will teach her before she comes — he literally told me that. I was like, what have we become? That a person is so proud of his daughter in every other way, but she doesn't know how to cook an egg, and he's telling me this to my face.

It's like me going to a future father-in-law and saying: "I'm 22, I promise you — not only do I not know how to earn, if you give me $100, by the end of an hour I'll lose it. But can you please give me your daughter?" What are you talking about? Who's going to take care of my daughter? Just as I'm expected as a man to be able to earn and provide, we should expect that a wife should also be able to handle her side of the responsibilities. I'm not going to tell you how many meals to cook — you need to figure that out yourself. Go study the deen, go study the seerah. Understand what is the ideal lifestyle, and say: this is where I am comfortable.

Life is so expensive — almost impossible to take care of family needs on one income. Women want to stay home but reality is pushing them out. Advice?

Life will always be expensive if you follow your desires. You will never have enough money. Find me one guy who earns $400,000 a year and says he has enough. Any man — whatever his business, whatever his income — will tell you, "Sheikh, it's tough these days." The issue is the heart. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said:

"True wealth is the richness of the soul." (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 6446; Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1051)

The true wealth is the wealth of the heart — when a person says, "Alhamdulillah, I'm content." We're never going to have enough if we follow our desires. Not with two incomes, not with three. I would say: start cutting down your desires. You don't need a $5,000 family vacation every year. You don't need a new countertop every two years, new drapery, a new sofa set — if what you have works, why change it? A new phone every year? No. When we follow our desires, we're never going to have enough money. Start with contentment.

Is there a du'a from the Sunnah to make when we get bad thoughts or desires?

أَعُوذُ بِاللَّهِ مِنَ الشَّيْطَانِ الرَّجِيمِ is one du'a. Another du'a that I recommend is from the last ruku' of Surah al-Mu'minoon:

"And say: My Lord, I seek refuge in You from the insinuations of the shayateen. And I seek refuge in You, my Lord, from them being present with me." (Quran 23:97-98) This is a very powerful ayah.

Should a man look for a wife on his own or is it better to leave it to his parents for an arranged marriage?

Go back to traditional values. Many youth will say: "Sheikh, how can I marry without dating? I don't know her." I ask you: go ask your mom and dad today after Isha — how long did they date before they got married? How many FaceTimes, how many dates before they got married? They got married 30 or 40 years ago, Alhamdulillah, and however it happened, they're still married. Today's average youngster who goes for dating — one out of three marriages now ends in divorce in the Muslim community. 33% and increasing. Most of them are not arranged marriages.

You see someone attractive in college, you want to get married — so there's something that worked for thousands of years that is now failing. Why? Because people no longer feel they have to be committed to a marriage. The guy says, "I don't need her — I can find what I want for free on apps, without having to pay mahr, without any commitment." The girl says, "I make as much as you or more than you — I don't need you." When the guy and the girl both say they don't need the other person, why would they stay together? Any little issue, and it's over. In America right now, 70% of divorces are initiated by women. When there's no level of interdependency anymore, things fall apart. So whether you have an arranged marriage or you choose yourself — if you don't feel dependent upon your spouse, the marriage is not going to work out.

Should my wife and I live alone at the beginning, even though it's really expensive? We're moving in with her family since mine are out of state.

Moving in with your wife's family can be quite tricky. A man should be providing for himself, and it affects your own self-esteem when you're taking from your wife's family. That is how men were before — a man would say, "I'll sleep on the street, but I'm not going to take something from my wife's family." That self-esteem was there. Things have changed quite a bit now. So make sure it doesn't affect your relationship. If your wife is saying, "You're staying at my dad's house," that will affect your self-esteem, and you won't be able to openly talk about it. Instead, that frustration will come out somewhere else — you'll get upset about something small, when the real issue is something else entirely. Be careful about that.

What about a couple whose life is controlled by parents and siblings to the point where they are being split apart because of what family members say?

No one's family life should be split because of siblings and parents. If it becomes so toxic, then you must move out — a small apartment, whatever the case may be — and sort it out. Sometimes moving to another part of the country for a few months is necessary. If parents' and siblings' involvement is causing the marriage to fall apart, you have a right — and a responsibility — to protect that marriage. My mom would always give this beautiful advice: you and your wife should never argue because of someone who is not in the room. Whatever issues you have, they are your own issues. Don't fight with each other for the sake of anyone in the world who is not present between you two. Don't argue because of her mom, her dad, your mom, your dad, or anyone else. Our goal should be: I have to keep my spouse happy, I have to keep this marriage intact. And if outside influence is affecting it, we need to move and deal with it together.

JazakAllah khair. SubhanAllahu wa bihamdihi. La ilaha illa Allah. Astaghfirullah. Al-Fatihah.